12 Stupid Search Terms and 1 Very Important Lesson
First of all, you’ll be happy to know that the top search term entered into Google which results in an IttyBiz visit is “naked firemen”. Not home business. Not small business. Not entrepreneurship. More people enter naked firemen and arrive here than those who enter IttyBiz and Itty Biz combined. Oh, the glorious power of Page Rank.
Other search engine highlights:
“At what point do you think you can be an entrepreneurship”
When I was in high school, there was a grade eleven course called Entrepreneurship — which, for the record, I did not take — and the teacher had a running joke that if you could spell “entrepreneur”, you would pass. Let’s make a new rule, shall we? If you don’t know that “being an entrepreneurship” is not the correct word usage, you’re not ready.
Where they ended up:
Entrepreneurship — What To Do When You’re Scared Shitless
“Big pootang”
I have a feeling that IttyBiz was somewhat of a disappointment for this particular reader, don’t you?
Where they ended up:
Go Big Or Suck: A Guide To Being Unforgettable
“Breasts like mangoes”
If you knew me in person, you’d know exactly how disappointed this poor bastard was.
Where they ended up:
Duct-Taped Breasts, Hairy Mangoes, and New Kids On The Block
“Cattle branding kids”
What the fuck was this person searching for? Yes, we all think of doing it, but who searches for it in Google?
Where they ended up:
Brand Vs. Image: What’s The Difference, Anyway?
“Does my ass look good in a thong?”
Honey, if you’re asking, the answer ain’t yes.
Where they ended up:
Bikini Vs. Thong: My Response To The Challenge
“Had to pee in the sink desperate”
Has Google become a confessional? Is it no longer for searching but for admitting stuff? Is it just one big ass PostSecret?
Where they ended up:
Moral of the Story: Violent Snuggling Edition
“Im brand new at my job and i fucken get the flu”
See previous entry. Um, sorry?
Where they ended up:
What To Do When You Hate Your Job
“Morals in marketing”
Honey, there are no morals in marketing.
Where they ended up:
Moral of the Story: Marketing to Alcoholics Edition
“How can I be the ultimate starfucker?”
Somebody, there is an ebook begging to be written here.
Where they ended up:
The 6 Types Of Blog Commentors — Do You Know Them?
“What does Gen Y eat for breakfast?”
Gen X, baby. Gen X.
Where they ended up:
Penelope Trunk Says I Am Older Than My Mother
“Women Painted To Look Like Tigers”
I liked this one so much I Googled it myself. Not nearly as interesting as you’d think.
Where they ended up:
What Tiger Woods Can Teach You About Marketing
Now for the lesson. Seriously, this is important.
Somebody reached my blog using this search term:
“How do I know my mummy and daddy love eachother?”
All joking aside, some poor kid out there is up in his room, searching for this in Google. Remember this when you’re bitching at your spouse for not cleaning up the toothpaste. Do you want that to be your kid?
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Oh man.
Here I was, laughing my ass off and getting ready to share my own recent search-term landings (Come on. Men with Pens? We have some rich ones, let me tell you.), and then you drop that bomb.
I need to go be with my kids tonight.
“How can I be the ultimate starfucker?”
Isn’t the first hit on Google a picture of me? :)
(writing the ebook now)
And yes, my ass does look good in a thong. That’s why I never asked the question.
So where did the kid end up?
Just curious. Perhaps a sociology study on Google search phrases can teach us more about the state of the world and our lives than interviews, since people Google the things they’d never admit in an interview. One that comes up all the time at my blog (not surprising since I once did a post on it) is: “can music change the way we act” (or feel for that matter). The one that got me thinking though is “How can music change the way I act”.
Thought provoking as always, Naomi
(note to self: put cap on toothpaste anyway)
That made my stomach twist. Poor kid…. : (
I never post comments (and I read a lot of blogs) but I love your writing style and the way you convey such great messages through your work and needed to tell you. You inspire me! I am going to kiss my husband in front of my kid now!!
Some of those are pretty funny. Some of them are a bit…freaky. And disturbing. You’re right: cattle branding kids? That is messed up.
The last one is just heartbreaking.
@ James — Please let me onto your Analytics one day… Please? You can change the password right after, I just would really, really, really love to read your search terms.
@ Brett — Of that, there was never any doubt.
@ Ray — They got to When A Mummy And Daddy Love Eachother Very Much. Interesting, about the music. It’s true how we act differently depending on the music. I’m a very different person listening to Andrea Boccelli than I am listening to Shakira.
@ Carole — I know! It totally stopped me in my tracks, too.
@ Sharon — Thank you! That’s such a nice thing to hear! Good for you on kissing your hubby in front of the little one. Give them both one for me.
@ Matt — Look at your tagline — that’s awesome! I can tell you’re doing the right thing for a living. Wish I’d thought of that one.
Absolutely adore this post! If content is king, then this post is queen!
Brilliant! Thanks for sharing.
Joanna
Naomi - these are hilarious. The last one is sad though. I was going to say that I hope my kids never feel the need to look up anything like that. But I’m divorced from the prick so I guess they already know the truth.
These are great! Call me a novice, but how do you find out how people are finding you? I’ve seen other bloggers post their leads, but yours are the best!
Okay, you guys are sick.
Cattle branding kids is most likely NOT about branding children like cattle. It’s probably about the activity of cattle branding and either teaching kids about it (if they live on a farm) or something like that.
At least, that’s the way MY mind works.
What? You mean?
(*hides cattle brand, and hugs his four children*)
I sit around far to much looking at stats and I have seen a ton of crazy stuff like this. It makes me laugh, but at the same time - some of it is quite disturbing. haha
The “cattle branding kids” is likely about branding “kids” or “baby goats”. Sorry, was raised around farms… guess it finally came in handy.
Love the site & good day.
My number one search term is GTD, my number two is Anika Sander. Weird. And I got three visits from people searching for “pumadine”.
???
Really, I don’t know if you can top that post. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. It is AMAZING what some people look for in the privacy of their own home.
Tad
http://growingintoyou.com/
[...] post (or any of my regular ones). Thanks for visiting! On her blog, IttyBiz.com, Naomi Dunford recently covered some highlights of the surprising Google search terms that bring bring traffic to h… It’s an interesting snapshot of some of the amusing, weird, and sometimes sad, things people [...]
@Naomi Thanks, Naomi. I’m kind of proud of myself for that one, too. Came up with it when I was trying to name my new blog (ahem). I’m actually thinking of changing the name of my business to This Laptop For Hire. My jaw about hit the floor when I saw that domain was available.
@James(es) Your interpretations clearly illustrate the need for (at least making an effort at) being aware of the variety of backgrounds and experiences that one’s potential audience can bring to the work we create. I was going to expand on this more, but it struck as great idea for my new blog (ahem).
Did I mention I have a new blog?
Upwardly Mobile Starf*cker Count for this Comment: +3
Naomi,
Ouch! My ribs hurt!
Oh my goodness. I was in tears, laughing so loud I was wondering if neighbors would be knocking, when I got to the last one. :(
Thank you, Cath, for saying what I could have said, and for picking me back up while I was reading the comments and thinking about that poor little guy. ME TOO. ;)
Enough emoticons for now. Some of my search terms are very stupid, some are annoying (if I told you how high I rank for McDonald’s 90 second guarantee you wouldn’t believe it, and McDonald’s isn’t ahead of me, either), but none are so unbelievably funny. Thanks!
Regards,
Kelly
Naomi,
This is absolutely hilarious. You are awesome writer, I have to admit. Hands down. I mean it.
Thanks
Shilpan
How jealous am I? You get people find you through google?!
Maybe I’ll have to up my game and start to take it a little bit seriously just so I can enjoy seeing which search terms find my little blog. I just am in the middle of another REALLY good book at the moment, and I’m a bit all-consumed by it.
Thanks for the giggles though, and thanks to the other James’s for restoring our faith in humanity of that kid branding fiasco! :)
P.S. You’re all writers - what is the plural for more than one James? And can you have a group noun for them, like a gaggle of James’s?
Hmm… not a gaggle. A flock, perhaps?
The plural for more than one James is James’ (you pronounce the “ez” but it ain’t there folks. How’s that for invisible ink?)
Let’s just call it the James Gang…. cowboy that I am.
Although that last one broke my heart, this was one of the cleverest ways of getting people to visit old posts I’ve ever seen. Sending a wink your way. :)
@James Chartrand - James’ is a possessive, which won’t always be the case. I’d write the plural of James as Jameses. As in, “keeping up with the Jameses.”
Yeah, James Gang is probably a better solution.
@Naomi-”naked nun”- that search still finds me, mostly South African and British searchers… so what’s up with that? I was “exposing ” the under drawing on a painting of a chocolate nun… not sure that disappointed them cause they keep coming back.
@matt-what a kick ass re-design of your blog!!
@the Quebecois-got your email, back to you soon.
Don’t we all want to hug that little kid? I agree, sociologists could have a field day with these searches, but I believe Annie Lennox pretty much covered it. Sweet Dreams to all of you.
No apostrophes are needed or desired for the plural of James. I’m with Matt T., Jameses, or rephrase as the James bunch/gang/throng/horde.
Holy crap Naomi, I almost peed my pants! Cattle branding kids?!! Wow. This is hysterical!
I was drinking. Sue me. It’s still the James Gang as far as I’m concerned.
Naomi, where’s that post about all fuck-ups being eternally set in print for all to see and that one should never get caught with pants down in public? This would apply right now.
Ok, Ok, now I can understand the “cattle branding kids,” everyone has explained that to my liking. But “naked firemen?” Is Jamie doing something on the sly we should be aware of? And, if so, can we hire him? E
OMG had to tweet this one….
@Janice Thanks! I used one of those free themes Naomi frowns upon, but I think I customized it enough to make it stand on its own. It’ll do until I can afford to have pro put something together (or, more likely, tweak that one some more–it’s a pretty nice theme as freebies go).
This is my first time to your blog (thanks for tweeting it, Dana). I am laughing so hard that I can’t catch my breath. I’m going to calm myself down, apologize to my husband and kiss my kids…
Thanks for the laugh and the lesson.
Jen
@ Matt: (in spite of you using a free template) I checked out your blog and it is really great - subscribed!
Woot - I get to be part of a gang!
I don’t think Jameses is very pretty though, I may stick with James’s for plural and James’ for possessive and go with form over function. Maybe I could claim it’s the British way of writing it?
@ JamesB - I’m blaming wine and French-Canadian roots. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to let the Brits have their share of blame, too.
It’ll probably show on your stats, but I just wanted to let you know that Dana’s tweet worked for at least one visitor!
This list totally puts my search result for “pigslap” to shame.
Maybe it’s because it’s late, but you had me rofl…literally, rolling on the floor laughing! Right up until the last line…that stopped me dead in my tracks. Poor kid!!!
I was impressed with the creativity and the imagination behind “breasts like mangoes”.
I tried googling it and the top results, apart from your blog, are mostly recipes. I guess it was a disappointing search all around.
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Oh Naomi….you make me laughed at the end of a warm, humid working day. That’s something. Either that or I’ll be a grouch the whole time while watching CSI New York tonight. Or shall I watch Pushing Daisies? Love that one on breasts like mangoes. The thing is, mangoes over here in Asia come in all shapes and sizes. What type of mangoes preferably? >*< LOL.
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