Once again, the handsome and virile Brian Clark from Copyblogger has convinced me not to sell IttyBiz to pursue a career in professional darts.

Anyway, we made a baby. Or maybe a mutant? A bastard love-child, perhaps? We’ll leave that to you, dear reader, to decide. But if you get off your ass soon (and if I may be so bold, you have a very nice ass) you can get in on the love-child action.

Witty, Naomi. But what the fuck are you talking about?

If you’re new, I’ll get you up to speed. Once upon a time, Mr. Clark and the equally charming Chris Pearson created a Wordpress theme called Thesis. Thesis is kind of like other Wordpress themes except, well, it’s not like other Wordpress themes at all. Other Wordpress themes take your incoherent ramblings and put them on the internet. Thesis does a whole bunch of stuff THAT NEITHER YOU NOR I EVEN UNDERSTAND and makes your blog hot like Jon Stewart. Read More

It’s been a while since we’ve talked about tattoo parlours here at IttyBiz, and it’s about time we revisit them. (If you haven’t read the other times we’ve talked about my escapades in tattoo parlours and what they have to do with your marketing, try Moral of the Story: Topless Edition and Get Out Of My Fucking Shop. Not your mother’s marketing blog, dahlings.)

So I’m in Ottawa with the Canadian contingent of Men With Pens. I’m getting my nose pierced and Jamie is getting a pretty seriously badass tattoo. Now, it should be noted that I’ve spent more than my fair share of time in tattoo shops and have given them money to shove needles into my body on more than one occasion. I have spent a lot of hours thinking about marketing for tattoo shops because in my dream life, all I ever do is create marketing strategies for tattoo shops. Read More

“Breathe and savour the pleasure of your favorite European coffee. Personalize your Mocaccino by adding a delicious flavoring or topping it with whipped cream…”

What’s wrong with this copy?

Well, a lot of things. But we’re going to talk about one.

“…Personalize your Mocaccino by adding a delicious flavoring…”

Calling the flavoring “delicious” is subjective. Of course you’re going to call it delicious. You’re looking to fucking upsell me. And maybe it IS delicious. But since you’re the one who said so, my little red bullshit light is flashing.

Subjective copy breeds mistrust.

Call the flavoring organic or all-natural or refer to your 7 different flavors. Tell me that 87,498 people treated themselves to a flavor shot last year. Tell me your vanilla is sourced through a fair trade farming initiative in Madagascar. Those are objective and can be easily proven by the customer. They don’t sound like you’re talking your shit up. They just sound like a reasonable statement of (conveniently flattering) fact. Read More

If you’re on my Advance Discount List (which, by the way, you really should be because it’s awesome and the people on it get access to really cool stuff nobody else gets), you would’ve received the following by email about 10 minutes ago. Because I’m in the middle of trying to vacate a bed and breakfast with a toddler in tow, I decided not to rewrite it for y’all.

***

I’m having a toddler crisis at the moment so I’ll make this one short. (OK, actually JACK is having a toddler crisis, although I wonder if I might take a page from his book and just lay down on the floor and scream “I NOT WANT TO” a few times. I’m not sure WHAT I don’t want to do, but it looks cathartic.) Read More

Right now, I’m staying in a lovely bed and breakfast in the booming metropolis of Burlington, Ontario. When we found it, we figured we’d found a little piece of heaven. (Location independent business challenges notwithstanding.)

I was talking a little bit with Lin, the lady who runs the place, about her business. (You tell somebody you do marketing and business help for small businesses and the floodgates tend to open. Finding out about other people’s businesses is one of the coolest parts of my job.)

Apparently, her husband Steve takes care of all things technical. He did their website and he organizes getting them listed on various listing sites and Burlington tourism sites and so on. Apparently, Steve is a busy little business beaver. (Try saying THAT five times fast. No, seriously, try it. I’ll wait.) Read More