3 Simple Tips for Being Married to a Home Business Owner
OK, so I’m going to let you in on a little secret. When Naomi first mentioned that she wanted to start a home buziness, I thought she was crazy. This was a little more than just beyond anything I was used to. But she talked a good game and convinced me (maybe a sure sign she should be in marketing?), and what follows are some things I’ve had to learn while I got used to the whole fluctuating income thing.
Get ready to talk about it. A lot.
If your spouse is thinking about quitting the day job and working from home instead, it better be because they love what they are going to be doing. And what do we as humans do with the things we love? We talk about them constantly. If your partner doesn’t want to talk about their business constantly, this may be a sign that they are not into it enough. Either that or the business isn’t going as well as they’d hoped. When Naomi started talking to me about marketing (not exactly my favourite subject) I quickly realized that she didn’t necessarily need marketing to become my passion too, she just needed me to listen.
Prepare to be educated.
Having just made point number one, it’s time to add a caveat. Just listening is good, but if this is going to be a long term thing and you would like for you and your spouse to be able to continue speaking to each other, then at some point you are going to have to learn about the business your partner is running. Having an understanding spouse is key; one who doesn’t mind explaining things to you like you are a three year old, and can overlook the occasional use of a semi-colon. Because of Naomi, I (somewhat) understand things like A/B splits, press releases, target demographics, and unique sales propositions (USP’s). Just remember, he or she managed to be able to speak coherently about World of Warcraft, kite flying, or whatever your little obsession is, so the least you can do is return the favour.
Find a way to be helpful.
So now not only can you listen, but you’ve learned a few things too. Why not take these skills and apply it to the business? (Under careful supervision, of course.) Find some ways to help out with the new business. It’s fun, it can be a challenge, and you can suck up and put in some good quality time with your partner at the same time. I help Naomi out with some of the technical issues she’s had, mostly with her computer, and from time to time she’ll even allow me to post or leave comments. You may even find yourselves working together at 3 a.m. discussing the relative merits of a fictitious McFatty burger (or Burgher).
So that’s about it, really. So far so good, but if anyone has any other suggestions from their own experiences, please feel free to mention them in the comments. If you’re the work-from-home spouse, what do you want from your partner? If you’re the significant other, what do you do to make it work?
(Seriously. Comment. I have a feeling she’s thinking about revoking my blogging privileges.)
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Alright, I’ll bite. If you can stand the sight of your spouse, then yes, there is really nothing better than working with them. When Jamie and I started working together we had a lot of what felt like hiccups, but when I thought about it, I realized that they were nothing compared to having another business partner.
Yes, Jamie is far, far, far more conservative than I am, but if I were exclusively in charge we’d be living off nothing but pineapple on a dirt floor in Bali with no retirement fund. So I guess it’s for the best.
Your reminders to listen, learn and discuss are great Jaimie — and I’d add “understand your differences in working style.” Just because a couple both work under the same roof doesn’t mean they have the same work cycles or styles.
The BoyPie is a morning person from years at the big firms;
the Girl’s industry lets her roll in at 10, and she really rocks after dark…
He’s a focused sort, with many serious details in his head;
she’s a multitasker that can pitch a solution while opening mail or loading the dishwasher.
She’s chatty and can take interjections while reading/writing; he can NOT.
Luckily, they both have doors that close, with sweet post-its that remind: “focusing in, not closing you out” or “deadlining - I’ll come out for kisses –”
Ah, similarities are wonderful, but it’s the differences we celebrate as they build our bond and are especially fun in the afternoon-we-can-nap-whenever-we-want-to-horizontal-boogie that we’ve worked hard to earn. Differences — or “diverse strengths” as a biggieBiz might call them — are great. Just make sure you’re aware of them as you share your work life, your work space, and (most importantly) your playtime.
Learn to separate business from relationships. Harry and I share the business, but we also know when to turn off the tap on business conversation to be friends, and we know when to stop being friends for a minute so we can talk business.
I especially appreciate the part about the post-it notes. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that when someone is working from home they are, in fact, working. Just because they’re present doesn’t mean they’re available. The mentioned post-it note idea seems like an excellent way to tactfully remind other people in the house that you can’t be disturbed at the moment.
Great post and great comments!
David
http://www.LivSimpl.com
@GirlPie: This is an excellent point, and one I didn’t think to touch on. I think the reason Naomi and I work well together is becasue of our differences.
@James: Knowing when to take of the business hat is really important, especially when the different styles have been clashing for a while.
@David: Your comment must have posted while I was writing mine. You’re right though, it is so easy to misinterpret someone locking themselves away in a room without appropriate communication. The post-it note idea GirlPie mentioned is a great solution.
I also love the post-it thing. Not only to remind that you’re working, but to remind that working is not shutting the other one out, it’s just working. I especially love the “I’ll come out for kisses” part :)
I work from home too, but my second half works outside (I mean in a real office with other people). So we don’t have to share work space that much, excepted when I work late or on weekend (and I try not to do that too often).
As he has his own projects at home, if I have to work late, he’ll work on his own stuff. That’s when we’re confronted to the differences GirlPie mentioned, like silence vs chatting, or focus vs multitask. It usually goes well, but I’m really not sure we could work together as a team.
The best team partner I’ve had so far is our cat, purring on my knees right now :)
Ahhhh! So nice to read that hubby and I aren’t totally fucking it up :D
We did, at the start. Fuck it up, I mean. I worked in an office for someone else, which I hated. And I was really good at it, and I hated myself for that. I was not-at-all fun to live with. At the same time, he was a full-time student and full-time at home. Which he hated from get up ’til go to bed. Fabulous home life, no?
But the bliss you wrote about is where we are now. I love being home as a blogging student, he loves going out into the world to earn. There’s lots of talking and listening and learning and laughing and loving. Total sap, and I’m grateful for it.
Making it work: I (nearly) always thank him for working when he gets home, and do the chores that ease his working way. He helps me edit all the written bits for school and blog, and corrects my programming logic when I’ve tangled it up :)
Lesson Learned: Wherever you do your happiest work (home, office, for the man, for yourself)…fight like hell to get and stay there because you’re Whole Life may depend on it.
I vote Jamie gets to stay. My wife and I are business partners as well, and I see a lot of us in this post. One thing that’s been indispensable is separate home offices. We keep different hours, like different music, and I curse and swear at my computer constantly.
Without her, I wouldn’t have the time to do what I do. She handles aspects of the business I’m not good at, but she manages a few sites in the “empire” herself. Yes, she did learn about the business, and she decided to apply it and make some money, too. :)
Hmmm. When I was married to media man and he started working from home, somehow the lunch thing became an issue for me. I mean was I supposed to stop in the middle of a painting and fix his lunch? All those romantic dashes down to the French Quarter to meet him at Louis VXI were suddenly replaced with, “Hey hon, what ’s in the fridge?” Adjustments were necessary.
I gave him a GPS to the big white box in the kitchen and he took me sailing on Wedneday afternoons.
All best, Jan
Oh, and also, it’s not because one works from home (either together or separately or only one of the spouses) that they must stay in their pajamas all day long, not brush their teeth and smell like a dead rat.
It may seem stupid to say, but layziness and habit can go a long way and I think it can kill a marriage.
Alright, I’ve just finished washing my hair and hubby is coming home in like 10 minutes. So what, I still did it ! :P
(And I certainly don’t smell like a dead rat, yuk !)
@joohliah- LOL, good tip.
also - while being supportive and listening to your spouse attempt their work-from-home adventure, it’s also good to help them when they realize they really suck at it. Just because someone has a passion and a talent for a particular venture does not necessarily mean they are any good at the actual BUSINESS behind that venture. And also all that time home. alone. with only the dog to talk to. ever. some folks are too social for home life yet claim to hate social activities. Being the supportive spouse one might suggest a job outside the home that allows the same creative freedoms and flexibility.
No shame in trying and deciding it’s not for you! Just really hard to admit you aren’t a work from home type ;)
What a great post and something I’ve been struggling with every since my fiance, Mason, and I started our business a few years back. I completely agree that you must be a little educated and a little bit involved. I’ve noticed that since Mason is working at home and on his own business, it is all that he thinks/cares about most of the time. If I weren’t involved, I wouldn’t be involved in his life, and I want to be involved in his life.
@Kate - the whole social workplace thing is also a big deal. Working from home means that some days you’ll never see a single soul besides your pets and your significant other. Where as I have a 9-5 job besides SmallFuel, Mason does not and it sure can get lonely - lunches out help!
And finally - I LOVE the fact that Mason works from home. Not only does it mean he’s self-motivated, but the possibilities are endless when you’re running your own show - My 9-5 will only bring in the exact same paycheck. I try to keep that in mind when I ask him to do errands (he hates that and he should - he’s working too!).
My wife and I have been side by side for many years now.
When I freak, she tells me there’s nothing to worry about. I do the same for her. When we both freak, we go out for pizza.
@ Tony - That’s a great system! I like the emergency plan.
What a great post. My husband almost works from home - spends a full day at the office and then a full night and full weekend working from home. Thanks to my husband’s job, I’ve been able to work from home and am now starting up a consulting business. Lucky for us, our work styles are pretty compatible. Then again, when I know he has an important deadline, I tend to leave the house to give him his own space.
@everyone: Thanks everybody for coming by and checking out the post, looks like Naomi will be keeping me around for a little while longer.
When my wife asks me what I did today, I will tell her: “I saved a relationship. What did YOU do?”
@Michael Martine - time for your own reality series, no?
Jamie,
It’s all true. My live-in love has his own business.
But sometimes when I hear him complain about an annoying customer or being stuck in traffic I can’t help but want to throw a book at him and scream “Hey you insensitive prick, I still work for corporate, nothing sucks more then that!”
The other area that is really important is that when your spouse/partner doesn’t work from home , that they understand working from home doesn’t mean you are free to drop everything and run errands or go have a crazy schedule. Staying on an even, consistant schedule is the best way to be productive at home just as much as a Cube job, but that’s often a hard concept to get through. That needs to be set up in the groundwork right away.
My husband and I have been working side-by-side every day for the last 6 years and I have to say these are very fine tips. Thanks for sharing, Jamie! Naomi should let you post more often.
I agree with James. Another thing to know is when to turn it off. When we first started, we would talk business during lunch, during dinner, while laying in bed, etc. Sometimes it’s important to take a break from that and spend time doing regular couple things.
@nicole: Sometimes it’s hard for us work at home types to remember what it was like in Cubeland. I promise we’re not trying to be insensitive :)
@wendi kelly: I know exactly what you mean. Naomi and I live in a small apartment building where everyone pretty much knows each other. Becasue everyone knows we work at home, we are always getting requests from the 9-5′ers to babysit, or hang around and wait for packages, etc. We often have to tell them that we can’t becasue we are working.
@some other naomi: So true. You can’t talk about business all the time, some well-roundedness is nice.
Awesome article, and I dig the fact that you left out all the little things like how to deal with the way your partner clips their toenails or other such things that can really be left for relationship advice.
Not that it doesn’t have its place, but having a partner stop racing the other rats and start pacing the kitchen on their billion-dollar-idea phone call is its own animal, and you covered it nicely. Briefly, but nicely.
I’ve just forwarded the link to this column across the room to wife at her compy and told her I was going to comment with “I told her she had to do the dishes or go out and get a job… she starts work on Monday.” HaHA!
I’m loving being Mr. Mom, for the record, it’s just the dishes that I hate.
@Judd Exley: Being Mr. Mom rules! As a complete aside, why are all Australians funny? We’ve had a few at this blog, and they always make us laugh. Not that I’m sterotyping or anything bad like that :)
Oh, and btw- there IS something about dishes, Naomi does them in our house. I absolutely refuse. You have to have standards.
Working from home certainly has it’s challenges. The last time I tried it my wife wasn’t quite ready. When my current employer approached me with an offer to come join them my wife’s council was simple, “Short of us paying them you will accept their offer.”
I’m thinking about doing it again so a link to your post is on its way to her.
Man, I have been dealing with that same stuff since I began talking about starting my new business. My girlfriend gets all kinds of upset when I begin talking about my offer and sales letter and everything else. I think that you have to have passion to go into business and one way to keep that passion going is to talk about it all the time because it consumes your every thought.
If I could get her to read this post then…yeah right. She doesn’t listen to me even if I am screaming the house is on fire. Ahhhh, don’t you love relationships.
I disagree with the fact that if you’re going to set up a business then you’ll talk about it all the time. Quite the opposite for me, I’m making head way in setting up a business but hardly mention anything about it to anyone until I’m ready to launch.
I want to be properly ready and also don’t like people who talk about things and then never go through with them, so don’t want to be seen in this light if things take longer than they might do.
Hey! I also believe that these tips certainly do help in getting along with friends who are business owners (especially passionate in growing the business) too. :)
I trailed over here for the first time thanks to ‘Comment Luv’ :)
Great post! I’m not married, but I sure do hope to attract a great guy someday who would love to chat up my business and understand what I do.
I’ve been working exclusively from home for some 14 months now. My husband has retired and we’re sharing a large open room as the office. My main client is on the other side of the country, and I have a few ad hoc clients on the other side of the world as well as a couple of locals.
Some things that have worked for us:
* We have slightly different sleep schedules, which means I’m up around 6:00am and checking emails etc. I ‘officially’ start billable work around 8:00am (10:00am in my client’s time zone). He doesn’t usually rise until around 8:30am and by then I’m well and truly ‘at work’. I’ve usually finished at least one conference call by then. I work through until 4:00 or 5:00pm, and then I stop my billable work unless there’s something urgent that HAS to be attended to (rare). I find that having set work hours works really well for me, for my client (they know when I’m on deck and when I’m not), and for my husband.
* He respects my ‘work time’ and rarely talks to me throughout the day even though we sit about four feet apart all day. He also knows not to ask me house and life things while I’m working. There’s an unwritten post-it note that says “I’m not ignoring you - I’m working right now!”
* He rarely turns on any music until 3:00pm, which is the latest I would have my last client call. This must be hard for him as he’s spending his retirement researching a BIG music project, but if he really needs to listen to something, he’ll put on his headphones. He always asks if it’s OK to turn on the music, and checks if the volume level is OK for what I’m doing at the time.
* He picks up a lot about my work just listening to my side of the conversations I have with clients, and has gained a huge appreciation for my knowledge and for what I do. This is A Good Thing(TM), and he’s been much more encouraging of my speaking at overseas conferences than when he and I both worked in cubicle nation at quite different jobs.
* I take a little time out each day to have lunch and pop into our small country town to get groceries, pick up mail from the Post Office etc. While my husband could do it, I enjoy getting out of the office and away from the computer for a short time each day. When the weather is good, I also have lunch outside in the fresh air looking out over the fruit trees and native birds in our backyard. That recharges my batteries.
The hardest people to ‘train’ have been my parents, though they are much better now. We only live some 75 minutes away (it used to be 3 hours away), and initially they wanted to ‘drop in’ any day or suggested we meet them half way for lunch. I had to be firm and tell them that certain days and times were my work days, and that I was NOT available on those days - ever. It took a while; they’re good with it now.
Ultimately, it’s all about respect for the other person and what they do.