Question: What three words let you double your prices?

Answer: It doesn’t matter, as long as they’re adjectives.

Recently, some total genius — um, me — decided that it would be a good idea to go into London to do some Christmas shopping. (Note: Never do this.) We got to Euston Station and decided we’d try to grab something to eat before facing the throngs of vicious Londoners itching for a deal.

In Euston Station, there is a slightly nicer looking version of what we in North America would call a food court. Burger King, fish and chips, sandwiches, paninis, that sort of thing. (UK residents, can you please explain this country’s obsession with paninis? I mean, seriously. I like paninis as much as the next girl but this is over the top.)

We decide to get sandwiches. We both get pork. As we are starving, we pay no attention to the price because it will be too depressing to contemplate anyway.

As we’re eating, though, I realize I’m in full view of the menu for that particular establishment. I notice two things. One, the prices are exorbitant, but that’s hardly unusual in this country. Two is the alarming profusion of adjectives.

I only had a little scrap of paper with me so I wrote down the two shortest examples:

Wiltshire Ham and Taw Valley Cheddar Cheese, £3.85

Free Range Egg and Country Tomato, £2.75

WILTSHIRE ham. TAW VALLEY cheddar cheese. FREE RANGE egg. COUNTRY tomato.

“Hmm. I was thinking of getting the sandwich, but what kind of ham is it? Oh, Wiltshire ham. And the cheese? What kind of cheese is it? Oh, Taw Valley? Well, in that case, I’ll take two.”

What it all works out to is spending eight bucks for a ham and cheese sandwich and an additional six if you want, you know, a warm Coke and some chips.

So all you need to do is shove in some adjectives and you’re laughing your way to the bank, yeah?

Well, no. Not quite. As much easier as my life would be if all I had to do was tell my clients to add a few adjectives, that’s not quite the case. In fact, most adjectives that people use in their copy are totally ridiculous and hurt your cause more than help it.

Professional web design, for example. Unlike your competition who are all still, what? In high school? Millwrights by day?

Service oriented is another great one. As is committed. (“Committed” is especially bad when associated with a meaningless noun. “Committed to quality” and “committed to excellence”, for example. This obviously differentiates you from your competition because on THEIR websites, they say they try not to commit at all, but if they have to, they only commit to mediocrity?)

So what kind of adjectives should you use so that you too can charge eight bucks for a lukewarm baguette?

Two things:

Your adjectives need to be objective. A Wiltshire ham is a Wiltshire ham, no two ways about it. A tasty ham, on the other hand, is debatable.

Your adjectives need to differentiate. The objective here is to show how you’re different from your competition. Free range eggs are different. White and yellow eggs are not.

Bonus for the slow learners: Your adjectives cannot be cliches or words so time-worn that they’ve lost all meaning.

So what have we learned today?

Use adjectives and eat before you leave home.