Nov
05
Anti-Social Media: The Dark Side of Authenticity
A couple of hours ago – it’s 2 am right now — as I was getting ready to close up shop for the night, I went onto Twitter one last time before heading for bath and bed. I tweeted this.
For those of you whose bosses don’t let you on Twitter, it read:
Getting ready for a hot bath and glass of wine with @chrisbrogan and @julien. Well, their book, anyway. #illtakewhaticanget
I went. I had my bath. As I was getting ready to go to bed, I remembered I was waiting on something, so I logged back on. I had a handful of DMs from someone I know who didn’t like what I said. Not a troll. Someone I know.
I’m not going to tell you what was said because my mother reads this blog and we’ll leave it at that.
Anti-Social Media
The Social Media Big Shots are out there talking about how fantastic it is to get out there and be social. To connect. To be authentic. To be yourself. To show a human face. And I’m on board. Social media is cool and has real benefits and can connect your business with customers in a way people five years ago couldn’t have dreamed of. Awesome.
But here’s the problem. When the Social Media Big Shots talk about showing the human side of business, what often fails to get translated is that they’re really speaking to Big Business. They’re speaking to businesses that previously did not have a human face.
As an ittybiz owner, you’re all human face. Your human face is all you’ve got.
When Ford gets in the social media game, they meet some of their potential customers on the customers’ home turf, and it’s great. They have very little to lose. Brandon the Intern chills out on Twitter all day, liaising with people, handling customer service issues, maybe messing around with the search function to see who’s talking. He gets to listen in when people say “I love my new F-150” and he gets to murmer sympathetically when they say, “Man, the F-150 is overpriced.”
But if somebody says something really, really awful to Brandon, they’re not saying it to Brandon. They’re saying it to Ford. Brandon is not the business. Brandon gets to go home.
You are your business. You can’t go home from being yourself.
When you get involved in social media, if you do it right, you open up a vein. You become vulnerable. To be authentic, you have to be really authentic.
In this example, I was being exactly who I would be in person. A little silly. Mildly flirtatious. Not quite appropriate. Authentic.
The Big Shots are so busy telling people like you and me about all of the people who are going to love us for being ourselves that they neglect to mention the people who are going to hate us for being ourselves.
When Penelope Trunk tweeted, from a meeting, that she was in the middle of miscarrying an unwanted baby, there was a public outcry. I guess that was a little too authentic.
No time to reflect
With in-person relationships, there’s time to reflect. When people aren’t your Right People, you have the time and the space and the power to get them out of your circle before they can do much damage. Usually, they don’t want to be in your circle in the first place, so you don’t even have to deal with it at all.
Online, where we reply to emails from strangers in a heartbeat and send @ replies on Twitter and “friend” people we couldn’t pick out of a police line-up, there is no time to think. There isn’t enough information to evaluate whether this person is nice or not nice. You can’t do any due diligence. You can’t even read body language.
We have to let people in before we know if it’s safe.
Having people say nasty shit to you sucks. Human psychology does not change just because we’ve found a shiny new medium. It doesn’t matter how much nice stuff people say about you, the bad stuff still really smarts. It’s damn hard to let it roll off my back when someone says something mean in person, and the invention of the internet doesn’t make it any easier.
So what’s the solution?
I don’t know if there is one. Now it’s 305 am. I’m guessing Jack will be up in about half an hour for his standard middle of the night “where the fuck is my mother?” I can’t sleep. I’m not tired. I’m confused. I’m hurt. I’m upset that I’m not saying all this right. But I don’t want to put it off until tomorrow because by tomorrow, I’ll be back to wearing my business hat. I’ll be back to saying don’t feed the trolls and telling myself to keep a tight budget on my emotional currency.
But right now, I’m feeling like I’m standing here shouting all alone.
I feel like our colleagues have abandoned us. (Not Scott and Elizabeth, from above. At least they’re talking about it.) I feel like, in order to look strong, they’re not telling the whole truth. I feel like the Big Shots stop listening when it stops being Kumbaya and unicorns. I feel like my fellow bloggers aren’t talking because they don’t want to appear weak.
The public rule for the nasty comment or wall post or tweet or DM is “don’t get riled up” and “don’t let it bother you”. OK. I’m okay with that. It’s good advice, as far as it goes. But it’s in line with the weight loss article that says, “to lose weight, eat less food”. Gee. Thanks.
Basically, I think there’s something missing in this whole authenticity thing.
If we were REALLY being authentic, we’d admit it hurts like hell.
I tend to err on the side of authenticity simply because I refuse to produce a twitter feed that I would be too bored to follow. Even if it means I lose a few followers when I mention “sinkfuls of vomit”. (Not my OWN vomit.)
But for what it’s worth, I respect anyone else who keeps their tweets “authentic” rather than treating it as some kind of networking tool. Life is too short and Twitter is too banal, in my opinion. Especially as it means that person has accepted dealing with the Dark Side you mention, rather than deciding its too big a risk and hiding from it.
If you happen to follow Nick on twitter, it’s probably best not to ask what his #tfts hashtag stands for.
Nick is stunningly authentic.
Ha! What a tremendous point. A lot of people SAY that if you’re not offending somebody, you’re boring everybody. Rare is the person with the chops to tweet about sinkfuls of vomit.
Thank you. I’m sure there are ways to tweet interestingly without describing bodily fluids, I hasten to add. (and one day I will work out what they are…)
I have nothing of substance to add to the authenticity debate. I’m just sitting here contemplating the monumental nobheadedness required (a) to take umbrage at your tweet, or (b) having taken umbrage, to address it by means of a DM, for the love of jayzuz.
Yeah. I think I’ve led a sheltered online life so far. What is UP with some people?
The beautiful phrase “monumental nobheadedness” was substance enough. Thank you.
Naomi, that is an AWESOME tweet. Hilarious. A little flirty maybe, but isn’t that what the internet’s for? And anyone who’s an IttyBiz reader would hardly be shocked by it.
Whoever DM-ed you has issues of their own. But that doesn’t make it hurt less. When someone reacts to YOU, nastily, it’s painful. It’s like an attack. And all the “just ignore it” advice in the world isn’t going to make it stop hurting.
(Side point, but for some people who aren’t quite with the line between humour and … not, it might be worth not saying what’s on your mind. Someone emailed me recently to thank me for a blog post, and mentioned that – since his surname was Ali – “if we got married, you’d be Ali Ali”. It was supposed to be funny not somewhat creepy, but… mmhm.)
Anyway. Hope you got some good sleep. Hope you’re feeling better.
And I really really sure as hell hope you’ll still be tweeting as *you*. Cos we (like, me and your other thousands of fans) love it.
If we got married, you’d be Ali Dunford. Or I’d be Naomi Hale. I’d also be a bigamist, and maybe you too, but you know. You do what you gotta do.
(I think we should go with Naomi Hale. It sounds vaguely porn starry.)
Y’know, it does sound good. We should totally do that.
Hey, can Charlie and his (*ahem*) “surprisingly big stick” join us, too?
xx
*virtual hug, reaching across cyberspace*
Yep, this blows.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and the fact that yeah, no one talks about how much it sucks when people say nasty things about you. Being authentic is great, but what do you do when people decide to crap all over your authenticity parade?
It’s so easy to say “Don’t let it get to you.” But if humans were any good at that at all, we probably could have avoided countless petty wars.
This just sucks. And I don’t know what the solution is. But we should probably all be talking about it a lot more.
“But if humans were any good at that at all, we probably could have avoided countless petty wars.”
That’s gorgeous. And you’re right, it seems like such an elephant in the room. (Or, as Sonia would call it, a sea lion in the room. Because she’s adorably bizarre like that.) Have we every been good at letting stuff roll off our backs before? What makes us think we’re going to be able to start now?
Dude, that’s what Israel and Palestine should do. Just let stuff roll off their backs.
I think, Sarah, that today we have created world peace. Right on. Now let’s get margaritas.
Naomi – you are one of the awesomest people in the world and I feel like going Scrappy-Doo on anyone who is shitty to you.
I don’t know how to get past the fact that some people, even ostensibly nice people, can behave like total jerks. The best I have is Eddie Izzard’s brilliant put-down: “No, you fuck off. I’m the queen.” It helps, but it still hurts.
*hugs*
The list of awesome things about what you just said:
1. Scrappy Doo.
2. The idea of YOU going Scrappy Doo.
3. The phrase that will shortly be immortalized on Sonia’s throw cushions.
You might want to get in on the money for that, though. She’s going to sell fucktons.
Fucktons? Oh! “Fuck Tons”
I swear that my brain went right to some sort of new pervert furniture.
But, we digress…
Cheers!
Toby Martini
I will just be happy to have unleashed Eddie Izzard cushions on the world!
Well personally I can’t see what about that comment would provoke an attack – but each to their own… unless someone is going to get hurt. Offering an opinion about how they believe it to be inappropriate is one thing, but rudeness and offence is inexcusable. I guess when we open ourselves up publicly, we open ourselves up to attack too. The only solution is not to go public. I’m not sure that being authentic requires revealing private info online if one doesn’t want to – and you can bet everyone else being ‘authentic’ only reveals what they’re happy for others to see… to create a desired impression. I don’t know, but to the best of my knowledge you’ve always been yourself and you’ve done very well because of that. Try to focus on the 1000s of positive feedback and realise that if you’ve only got 1 detractor, you’re doing pretty well and don’t need to worry yourself with their ‘valuable’ opinion.
Yeah. I stand amazed that anyone could be offended by that statement. Have they read this blog? It can’t be the language. I understand people getting offended about the miscarriage tweet, but not about wine, a bathtub and a book.
Ahhhh, internet drama. The drama is there offline too, people just have better filters.
HA! THat kind of makes me think of those receipts that say “we value your feedback”. And you’re like, the hell you do!
Perhaps I need to start making receipts that tell the truth. “Madam, I couldn’t value your feedback less if you were speaking Aramaic. Good day.”
How about “I value your opinion. Exactly as much as it is worth.” or, alternatively “If you can read this, please send margaritas and batteries care of @IttyBiz…”
Anybody having to state “We value your feedback.” has already lost a round or two, if not the whole game.
I tweeted this once, and it got passed around quite a bit:
“Transparency is the new risk – Authenticity is the new currency –
Trust is the new reward.”
Sadly, the risk is downplayed a lot – though it is considerable.
Especially for certain kinds of people.
Yet, often, the pay-off in terms of trust is worth taking that
risk – but within limits that differ for different people.
In the blog post that expanded on my tweet, I said this:
“…it is scary to invite the world at large to peer into your
life, peek inside your mind – which is what social networking
does. It’s like living inside the ‘Big Brother’ glass house
– but virtually.
Yes, you can – and should – draw strict boundaries as to how
many facets of it you allow to be transparent online.
But within those limits, there’s little you can effectively
hide – least of all, those most sacrosanct ones like attitude
and bias, prejudice and ethics, neuroses and genius.”
http://moneypowerwisdom.com/index.php/2009/10/05/transparency-authenticity-trust/
It’s sad to hear about instances like yours where the hurt was
real and deep thanks to engagement in social media. But then,
“anything that doesn’t kill me leaves me stronger”, right? :)
All success
Dr.Mani
Like Lean (hi Lean!) I’m kinda struggling to get what was so offensive about that tweet that it needed a handful of responses to tell you about it. But, y’know, we all have our own stuff, and I guess that person got triggered big time.
I used to run a message board for years and was always rather astonished at how some folks just refuse to acknowledge that there are real people at the other end of the keyboard. It’s like they simply don’t believe that you really ARE being authentic; maybe because they never would themselves, so they figure if they can treat it all like a big game, you should too.
But, when you actually are being ‘just yourself’ and nastiness comes directed at you, particularly out of the blue like that, it hurts all the more. Nothing like being blind-sided by a flying shoe to knock you sideways in a spin.
At the risk of sounding bossy (I’m not, I just have better ideas), when I got hit like that on Facebook this year (http://www.fibowman.com/2009/story/danger-low-flying-shoes-ahead/) I found Havi’s advice – linked to in that post – helped me a lot to break it down.
And funnily enough, that post itself – which was pretty damn authentic, I thought – led to more shoes, when some folks advised that I “drop the cursing as it didn’t add interest and offended people”!
Sometimes you can’t win, with some folks, and all you can do is shrug and know that others love you just the same. Like me, sweetie!
Yep, it’s amazing how rabid people can get (cf. xkcd 386).
To paraphrase a friend of mine, either nobody you meet online is really “real” (i.e. we’re all to some extent rocking a persona), in which case there’s no point in going nuts about something someone said, or everybody you meet online is just as real as you, in which case TREAT THEM DECENTLY, for goodness sake.
I must say I’m still struggling to imagine what exactly in that tweet could have triggered a response so urgent that it had to be conveyed in a series of DMs. Classy.
Naomi, I hope it hurts less this morning. Please keep delivering those not quite appropriate pearls of wit and wisdom, OK?
OMG, I had totally forgotten about that cartoon. Every one of us should have that printed out and hung in our office. And bathroom. And car…
Thanks for reminding me.
You do indeed have better ideas.
I like what you said about the game. I’ve never really been able to put my finger on it, but yes. They treat it like a nasty game.
Kind of like, what’s acceptable in hockey is not acceptable in life. If you have the puck and I want it, I get to hit you with the full force of my power. Nobody bats an eye. But we don’t get to do that with life. I don’t get to body slam you when I want you to pass the salt.
But yeah, that makes a lot of sense. They think it’s a game.
C’mere, sweetie – lemme give you a hug.
This is kinda the social media equivalent of hearing someone talking about you from around the corner or over the cube wall – which sucks bad enough – but the really bad kind where you know they went out of their way to make SURE you “overheard” them because they think they are the morality police and have the right. Too many people today in this world of instant reaction/communication forget what Mom said, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
(Of course, knowing this doesn’t make it any better at 2:00am when all you have is quiet time alone to stew about meanness that you could have brushed off better at 2:00pm surrounded by daytime busyness and peeps.)
And that’s the key – remembering YOUR peeps love you and some of us got a little giggle when they read that tweet (I did) because it is EXACTLY the same thing they could imagine themselves thinking. Luv ya – MWAH!
OMG, that’s the worst, isn’t it? The casual mention that they know you’re going to hear. What I always want to know about the person doing that is, what does the person you’re speaking TO think about that? Do they respect you for not having the balls to say something? Or are they just as catty as you?
Thanks for coming, sweetie.
Thanks for this. I’ve been really talking to myself about BEING authentic, because I get all dried-up in the ideas department when I start trying to Be A Business Owner and whatever the fuck.
And ironically, this is helping me be even more committed to authenticity online — because it’s really real, even in the shitty parts, and that’s helpful. Too much is Kumbaya and rainbows, as you said.
I’m sorry you got hit with shoes. Smelly ones. May tweets like this bring your Right People (like me! I adore you) to you.
First off, what a lovely comment. Thank you.
Second off, what a FANTASTIC domain name! It’s not often that you see something that so perfectly defines what it is, without you even needing to think about it. Well done, my dear.
I’m not only astonished that your innocuous remark generated not one, not two, but several retorts, but that they came from a friend.
But I’ve also learned that when people react badly to us being our authentic selves, it’s almost always about THEM, not us. I think most of my worst hits in life have come from “friends”. (Now “former friends”.)
A true friend finds a way to disagree with you in a way that still respects who you are, and how much you mean to THEM. A “friend with issues” will go for the jugular. The only good thing that comes out when THAT happens is, you find out who your real friends are.
Well, ANOTHER good thing is, you got a great article out of the experience! :^) Thank you for sharing, it’s obviously hit a chord.
Hi Luann! Yeah, it’s weird, isn’t it? And it changes where the bar sits. Because, for the people who have enough [whatever it is that people have that makes them not feel the need to lash out] to not lash out, we kind of just sit there. Very much like turning the other cheek. And how hard was THAT lesson to learn, the first time we heard about it? And the other guy feels like they got their jibe in. Icky all around.
(Note: I tried to write something about innocuousness and then was worried that it couldn’t possibly be a word. And then I loved how it looked so much that I put it in there anyway. Innocuousness innocuousness innocuousness innocuousness innocuousness.)
This is what I get for sleeping at night — late to the conversation with nothing new to add.
I’m sorry it hurt, Naomi. I’m sorry it happened. Your Right People love you, and if I were your mom I wouldn’t be offended at the words no matter what they were and I would hug you and remind you that you are absolutely right to be authentically yourself. Because, really… who else could you be?
F*** ‘em (because being me, I have a really hard time writing “fuck” in public.)
HA! And this is what I get for NOT sleeping at night. Oh, the irony. :)
My mom actually wrote me a really lovely note this morning. (MOM! If you’re reading this, I’ll call you when I’m done, I swear.) And you’re right. She was awesome.
And GOOD FOR YOU for having the… wait for it!… AUTHENTICITY to say “I don’t say fuck and you’re not going to make me.” Right on. That takes stones on this blog. :)
The random DM’er can rot.
I too have wondered where the “dealing with random assholes who have too much time on their hands” tutorials were amidst all the happy clappy “Be Yourself!” pep talks.
The truth is, some people’s authentic selves are assholes. And if we’re authentic, we get to deal not only with the authentic assholes, but the people who are assholes because they’re scared of any authenticity.
Eventually, the internet is going to change people. All people – not just the ones who participate. Eventually people are going to lose their fear of being authentic and come out of the mother-lovin’ closet as the freakazoids they really are. (Hey, everyone’s a freakazoid in some way.)
The random asshole who DM’ed you is not there yet.
It seems like you got caught in the crossfire of someone taking their Stuff (anger, frustration, fear) out on you.
It’s totally not you. It’s got nothing to do with you. It’s them. and how do we know this? Because your tweet was perfectly authentic.
Random Stuart Smiley affirmations:
“This person simply wasn’t one of my Right People.”
“I’m glad I found this out now rather than later.”
“Piss off, random internet assole.”
The last is probably going to be the more effective. ;)
Or, “I’m sorry. You appear to think I care. Well now, that’s cleared up.”
1. I love the affirmations. Yes, especially the third one.
2. I like your point about the whole world changing. I wonder if the Facebook/Twitters are going to be the reason? I wonder if we will, eventually, cut the pretense that our lives are private and just accept that there’s absolutely zero point trying to pretend we’re something we’re not.
I also wonder what has to happen to how many people to reach that point.
Again, another excellent post Naomi!
Obviously you have the support, these comments back that up (but here’s another virtual hug to throw on the Hug Pile. *grin*)
Yet another area where the only teacher is that fat bastard Experience….but I’m still trying to figure out the “lesson” in this case:
-no hot baths before bed?
-beware of drinking and reading?
-books are E-VIL
-sometimes your friends, really *aren’t* your friends
Sorry…I’m being silly. Just trying to help you giggle a bit through the pain.
I’m pretty sure the takeaway here is “don’t read books or people will be mean to you.”
Thanks for the hug pile, sweetie.
wow, i cannot imagine anything horrible from that cute funny tweet – but people say dumb stupid things. and it DOES need to be addressed, not ignored.
As much as you think it doesn’t happen to the big businesses too, it does. They get personally attacked too because people start to identify with the PERSON as an extension of the brand and take out their frustrations on the person, saying horrible mean things to them online.
It does suck that even though you KNOW 7548197038940712398812972 people love you (totally underestimated number!), when one person that you sorta know (not a random spam troll) pushes your buttons seems to undo all of that for a minute. happening at 3am doesn’t help. :(
It’s a new day, feel the love of all these virtual hugs!
It’s a pretty awesome day at that.
You raise a good point abou the big biz thing. When I worked in customer service, it was amazing how much the company was referred to as “you”. “You fucked up my bill like this last year!” Actually, sir, I was in high school last year. But we have to personify, because the concept of these things that exist with human parts but that aren’t human… too much for the brain to take in. So we turn them into people and often treat them like people we really don’t like.
First off, I’m sorry you had such a sucky, sucky night. Whether we’re NYT best-selling authors with disappointed-but-mouthy readers or everyday people with snarky MILs, those hurtful words DO hurt, despite our best intentions to brace ourselves.
We may put on a public stone face and remain steadfast about starving those trolls but that doesn’t stop how we feel.
This is tough to accept and keep in mind when you’re an author trying to nurture your own authentic voice. Especially when you were encouraged to conform all your life (as most women are.)
And I can only imagine what it must be like for you, choosing fiction as your path. That must be pretty hellish. I mean, that’s your art, dude! And people stomp.
xx
I like your blog, it’s on my Google home page! I love to read the real you! That’s I look for in a blog! I’m not sure what I look for in Twitter yet.
What I think is sadder than random mean- and dumb-ness is someone who makes it a point to go out and spend their life’s energy deliberately hurting others. That really does make me want to hurl. It seems as if Twitter and blogs have opened up a new venue for these pathetic people.
Keep being real! (said in the high yearbook voice)
I love your yearbook voice.
I think part of the problem with blogs and especially Twitter and Facebook is that we don’t really have a collective way of dealing with it. When the internet was a bunch of geeks with dial up modums, messing around on bulletin boards, there was a common and accepted code. Now EVERYBODY is online, so there’s no real way to decide on an etiquette. When 12 year olds and grandmothers and geeks and everybody in between are online, there can’t be anything collective. So we flounder.
I really thank you for being authentic and vulnerable. I’m one of those that avoided social networking because I didn’t want to reveal too much of myself. I wanted to stay anti-social. But once I joined i was very grateful because it helped me grow and get out of my comfort zone.
For what it’s worth, I’m a born again Christian, a church lady my most standards. And I still found your post tongue-in-cheek funny. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite bloggers to read is Johnny B. Truant (that’s how i found you). And he’s got a potty mouth!
But his honest, vulnerable posts have helped me when I was feeling vulnerable too. So, I’m sorry to hear that someone hurt you. And I hope you don’t let it stop you.
Thank you for your open-mindedness. I really love it when serious Christians come. Because the serious Christian acts from a place of love. Too many people get a bad rap because of some loud pulpit screamers, and I think that’s sad.
So, seriously. Thanks for coming.
Well, shit, fuck, damn and boogers. This is what I get for only checking my email when I’m supposed to, everybody else gets to be all nicey and sympathetic and supportive and shit.
Anyway, in no particular order:
1) I *love* your borderline (and sometimes not so borderline) offensiveness. It’s what makes you charming, fun, and what’s that word?… Oh, yeah “INTERESTING”. That’s it. Obviously I’m not alone in this, based on the comments by those fuckers who got here before me.
B) Fer crap’s sake, they were offended by *that* tweet? You and I (and Havi) have exchanged much worse on Twitter. I found it only moderately flirtatious and somewhat ironic. (It might could have used more salt too.) I suspect they were part of the Politically Correct Police (PCP) and just a little full of self-righteousness.
*) Umm… Were any of these people experts on “authenticity”? Because the delicious irony of attacking you for being authentic using hidden communications that protected them from criticism themselves would be just too much fun for me not to enjoy, if I were you.
+ – You’re absolutely right about one thing. Being authentic means opening up yourself so some of the criticism can get in. But, it also means that you’re going to have to allow some of the compliments in too. It’s just that as human beings we’re programmed to hold onto the bad things, trying to see if there are lessons to be learned, while the good things start fading almost immediately.
In closing, let’s just rape their nostrils with angry ferrets then go get a bottle or five of good wine, shall we?
If I was the type of person who typed LMAO, I would totally type LMAO right now. Loved the irony. HAdn’t thought of that. Also love the ferrets.
Because, really, how could one not?
Hey, that’s what (virtual) bodyguards are for.
Well, that and occasional things that are never mentioned again, particularly to policemen, officers of the court, people with tape recorders, or Mom. Especially the people with tape recorders cuz those fuckers will hold onto that shit and blackmail your ass for years and years. Or so I’ve heard.
Anyway, it’s about time for wine. (Actually it’s Guinness time, but I’m easy. And I drink wine too.)
Nice of them to DM so the rest of twitter doesn’t see the asshattery. Well done.
I really like Colin’s Eddie Izzard retort. I am totally cross-stitching that and putting it in my living room. It’s suitable for all occasions, really.
It is funny, isn’t it, how nobody says, “Ouch, fuck, you tool, that realy fucking hurt.” We’re supposed to be so grown-up and thick-skinned. I don’t know anyone who actually is, once you start really talking. We’re all the four-year old who doesn’t get why the five year olds are so freaking mean on the playground.
“No you fuck off. I’m the queen.” It’s a motto to live by.
I want one. I hope it will have a picture of Naomi wearing her rightful crown.
I did something similar for a friend on his way to anew city: http://www.flickr.com/photos/catcom/42130888/
OH MY GOD!!! That is fucking FANTASTIC!!!
Hee. *blush* *tinyvoice* Fanks. *kickyfeet*
/me runs off to tell Twitter that Naomi likes something I did.
You know, I’ve often felt there needs to be, like, an understanding among people who use social media and step into that zone of making themselves vulnerable. Something like, “You are allowed to see my thoughts and opinions, and in return you agree to not be a judgmental fucktard.”
I feel like that kind of contract shouldn’t even have to exist, but I’ve had a few incidents like what you’re describing: I refer to the phenomenon as “social media landmines.”
Just remember, for every shitbag DM you get, you have thousands of other people who smile at the exact same message. Majority wins.
Dude. We could get one of those little terms of service things where you have to click in the box to say you accept.
And put some really vile consequences (like Gilbert’s ferret solution) in the fine print.
Also, Gilbert’s Ferret Solution sounds really, really funny.
I’m so down with that. We should sell a do-it-yourself package, where the owners build the consequences from a list. Ferret option on there, of course.
Someone said something vicious to me on twitter awhile ago and I totally cried. Like, middle of the afternoon on a Friday, beaucoup tears. It happened right before a call with two friends, one of which said “don’t get riled up” and the other said “oh honey, that sucks.” Guess which one I like better. Anyway, for me, the crying had to come before the getting over it.
So… Oh honey, that sucks. Being vulnerable sucks most of the time. But I appreciate you for doing it.
Shit, dude. I like your second friend better too. Thanks for being like them and not the first one.
I love what you’ve said here, Naomi. It is frightening and sometimes painful to be authentic. On the other hand, sometimes people, in a bullshit quest to be authentic, use “authenticity,” as a weapon, like others use honesty like a baseball bat.
Some things are honest and authentic, some comments are venomous just for the sake of being so.
You said…
“The public rule for the nasty comment or wall post or tweet or DM is “don’t get riled up” and “don’t let it bother you”. OK. I’m okay with that. It’s good advice, as far as it goes. But it’s in line with the weight loss article that says, “to lose weight, eat less food”. Gee. Thanks.”
I don’t have an answer for that one. Getting riled up and being bothered by some of the bs is that absolute normal thing to be. As I see it, one answer might be, go ahead and feel what you feel, and then follow the other cliched aphorism, “Never let them see you sweat.” Instead, write a post about it and don’t give then the pleasure of a direct response.
I’m also with Charlotte –
“I too have wondered where the “dealing with random assholes who have too much time on their hands” tutorials were amidst all the happy clappy “Be Yourself!” pep talks.”
I think “Honesty Like A Baseball Bat” might have to be the new IttyBiz tagline. That’s fantastic.
First, ouch.
Second, I’m sorry. Because the mean DM was unfair. And lame.
Third, non-hippie hugs, if you want them.
I say word to everything Colin said. This kind of meanness makes me want to dispatch the ninjas.
(And “No you fuck off. I’m the queen.” is going to be my official response to nonsensical internet asshattery. Which will, henceforth, be known as NIA.)
Sorry this happened. Because it sucks. When someone throws their crap in your lap (and by DM, no less)… yeah, total suck.
And the don’t let it bother you stuff? Pretty ridiculous. And unrealistic.
It hurts. Because we’re, uh, people.
NIA indeed.
Have the ninjas bring fudge. I’ll get over it a lot faster with fudge.
I totally adore you. Have I mentioned that lateley?
Great post, Naomi – and spot on. I still can’t believe how some people will flip out over a blog or a tweet. Hope you’re okay!
Sonia,
I would LOVE to see a pic of that cross stitch.
Good to see you posting more, too, Naomi. We miss your day-to-day thoughts, b/c we share them too. :-)
And I totally want that cross-stitch pattern when you design it!
I think it has basically been decided that Sonia is wasted in marketing and is now in the cross stich business.
Ouch. Ouch.
One thing I’d like to point out is that it wasn’t a random DM- it was someone Naomi knows.
Someone once predicted that, with the invention of the crossbow, the world would end in violence because you would no longer have to face your foe. You would no longer need to be close enough to potentially get their blood on you when you killed them.
Of course, plenty of people killed each other before the crossbow, so the point doesn’t hold completely.
But, after serving jury duty yesterday, and needing to sit in judgment of the facts of a case that would affect someone’s real life in very, very real ways, I am reminded that there is something incredibly wise about having us in the same room, needing to look the person in the face, and understanding the profound implications of judgment.
Social media doesn’t really provide that. For all of the “connectivity” we can still “ding and ditch” and not face the consequences of our communication actions.
Remember, with judgment, it’s all done with mirrors. Oy. And ouch.
Jesus. I just thought for a moment what jury duty would be like in social media. I know that sounds absurd, but… wow. It just makes you realize how critical the real, human, cellular kind of connection really is.
Amazing example, Mark.
Ree-DICK-ulous. Don’t let the shitters get you down. They were probably just jealous they weren’t in the tub with you.
But I’ve been here, and know how much one asinine comment can get under your skin when it really shouldn’t. And how much tonic it can take from friends to make it go away. So just me reminding you that you’re awesome – which I know you know – and to keep on keeping on.
From the person who gives, quite simply, the best hugs on the planet, that means much. I accept your tonic. I will take the hugging later, perhaps when Fabeku brings fudge.
What do you think, Dave, cross stitch sampler or needlepoint pillow? Both have their appeal.
I discovered a while back that being transparent and authentic all the time opens me up to more easily being abused – because I’m TRUSTING people to take me as I am and not trash me for it.
It’s so hard to be yourself and also wear a thick enough skin that you don’t die of the crushing awful hurtyness when things like this happen.
*hugs* for you, and fuck ‘em!
That makes me think… I was on the subway platform the other day, and there’s this guy leaning way over the edge to see if the train is coming. Verge of death level leaning. And nobody bats an eye.
And I got to thinking, of course you trust yourself. It’s probably stupid that you trust that you won’t lose your balance, but I understand it. But how can you trust a subway platform full of strangers? Not that I’m saying they’re going to push you. But what if someone’s pushing a stroller while talking on a cell phone and veers? What if someone’s dizzy and hasn’t had lunch yet? Blammo, you’re on the track.
I’m blown away by the amount of trust we put in other people. Sometimes touched, sometimes disgusted, always amazed.
I know exactly what you mean.
Artists (like myself) are told constantly that we need to just make what we make, say what we have to say, and put it out there. Be real. Be yourself.
And then your parents decide that because your religious opinions are different from theirs, they need to help keep your daughter away from you and very nearly disown you.
It’s not ok to behave like that.
Sometimes people are assholes. Sometimes it’s the people we love most. Always, that sucks.
Still, you’ve chosen the high road. Others will lash out. Their fear of what you-being-you means for them-being-afraid-of-themselves leaves them no choice but to be rude.
My advice: find a good hug somewhere. Always helps me. Let me know if you need any help with that…
God, it’s the worst for artists, isn’t it? This whole just-put-it-out-there thing coming from people who lose nothing if you starve, emotionally or physically.
Thanks for coming and being nice. :)
Ouch. Hugs. We hear you.
And, though you can fight your own fights, the Guardian came up in me on this one. You know I carry a surprisingly big stick when I want to…
I’m sorry dude. I’m trying to say something deep and insightful and appreciative, but all I can think about is Sonia talking about your big stick.
What can I say? It’s been a long day. I’ll email something nice later.
@ everybody else — Do you have anything insightful I can borrow to say to Charlie?
You are brave, Naomi. Running an ittybiz requires courage (which I haven’t quite mustered up yet) and being authentic and vulnerable requires courage. It’s not for us skeerdy-cats.
One of the reasons so many people love reading your blog is that we want to be as brave as you are. So, thank you for saying all the stuff the rest of us are afraid to say. Thank you for being on the front lines, taking all the shit, and thanks for telling us the shit sucks.
OK, wait one cotton pickin’ minute here, lady. You don’t get to call yourself a skeerdycat. I just read your most recent blog post and nobody who can write that kinda stuff on their blog qualifies.
Maybe you’re not ready to start an ittybiz yet, but courage is one thing you’re not lacking.
I loved that tweet!
When you write posts that are a little provocative, you know 2 kinds of people are going to get angry:
1) Sensitive Prudes
2) Angry People
Of course, any Sensitive Prude who follows you is naturally an Angry Person. Those are Angry Prudes. They go trolling for salty, salacious things to get them mad.
You are an Angry Prude magnet.
Don’t be too bummed, because those nasty DMs mean you’re giving them exactly what they want.
Oh – don’t be surprised if you get from Angry Book Lovers, too. For them, holding a book with wet hands is a heinous crime against nature.
See, now the sting has worn off and I’ve been going a long time on not enough sleep, I’m getting the worst parts of my sense of humor back. You’re being all nice and all I can think is what combination of your words would make the best band name. Angry Prudes? Angry Prude Brigade? Angry Prude Magnet? (That one’s probably better as a t-shirt.)
Seriously, though, thinking of them as angry prudes actually helps a lot.
I like AngryPrude Magnet. Needs the right spacing or a hyphen so it’s clear you’re not just a Prude Magnet who’s angry.
You know people who want to attract AngryPrudes are going to put you on a leash and take you to the AngryPrudeMagnet run.
What they said. And I would be happy to lead the deviled egg brigade. DD had some huge shoes thrown at her yesterday and called me in tears and we determined that we needed someone who would go with us to deviled egg the person’s car rather than give us the “don’t get riled up” comments that we usually get. So yeah. Deviled Egg Brigade FTW
(It’s a Gilmore Girls reference. Lorelai and Rory are driving home from a baby shower and were forced to take home deviled eggs. They stopped at the resident bad boy’s car and threw the deviled eggs at it then squealed off into the night).
OK, I need advice. Do you think I’d like the Gilmore Girls? I’ve never seen it and I’d love to start watching, but I have the habit of buying the box set of an entire series and disappearing for months. (Note the dramatic decrease in the quality of the content on this blog between January and March of 2009. That would be the quarter I spent watching West Wing.)
So… thoughts?
Don’t know if you want thoughts from everyone or just the OP. But I’ll risk giving unsolicited TV advice and say no, no Gilmore Girls for you. The “rapid-fire witty banter” is so annoying. If you like teen stuff like I like teen stuff, get the Veronica Mars box set. And Friday Night Lights.
Or maybe you don’t like teen stuff. In which case, don’t judge. Liking teen stuff is totally normal and natural. Right?
I love Gilmore Girls because some of it is like my life (surprise baby, wealthy inlaws, quirky life) and the banter and pop culture references are really good. I also loved Veronica Mars too. And Pushing Daisies. But Gilmore has a special place in my heart. YMMV. :)
Hmmmmmm. I see the whole thing as all about choices. You choose to be authentic. In doing so you choose to accept that not everyone will agree with you all the time. And the DMr chooses to follow you. And he chooses to say something hurtful, consequences and all.
I don’t get how your tweet was offensive. But it doesn’t matter what I think. It only matters what you think. If you think it is appropriate to your followers and appropriate to your authentic self then you need to proceed.
When I first started my business 8 years ago I was so affected anything said something marginally bad about our service. I was so outraged. I couldn’t believe how someone who didn’t really know me could assume such a thing. Eight years later when the same thing happens I just figure it’s on less dumbass I have to deal with! If doesn’t know how great our service is then he doesn’t deserve our service. AND if it is an existing customer, they are immediately removed from the mailing list. Done, finished, out.
Gotta have a good day everyday and I won’t deal with difficult people anymore. Retorting… sometimes just wasted energy. And… sometimes you’ll feel better. Either way remove the negative energy from your world when you can. Those that don’t ‘get you’ don’t deserve you.
Dude, “one less dumbass” is such a perfect way to look at it. And it’s funny, because I hadn’t thought of it like I do with sales. If I get refund requests, I don’t care. No big deal. Some things aren’t for everyone.
Maybe that’s part of the trick — framing stuff like the stuff you don’t care about.
Sweet Naomi, I’m so sorry this happened to you, and so glad you’re talking about it.
Surrounding you with love and appreciation for your own salty, lovely, feisty self.
Hugs and love,
Hiro
Wanna hear a secret? I actually contemplated calling you. You’ll be happy to know I thought better of it.
You know what the world needs? You, Mark and Havi on call. You guys could rotate, like ER doctors.
Dear Queen -
Geez!
This reaction does not seem like you. Think you should not tweet too late when you are tired and vulnerable.
We all love you. Your outrageous comments make us laugh every day.
Stay as sweet as you are.
This is a great idea. One that not enough people consider.
Although I think that if I were to avoid potentially hurtful communications media whenever I was tired or vulnerable, I’d only answer the phone on full moons and would look into my email on my birthday in leap years. :)
Yes! I love Elizabeth & Scott for their honesty, and you for yours as well. It’s something that seems to be lacking. I think all of us are dealing with it. Or them.
It’s different when it’s just a simple “unsubscribe” or “unfollow” but when they start writing you private messages that aren’t exactly nice, it’s painful.
One thing I’ve noticed, the more authentic you are the more you push people’s buttons… the more of “their stuff” that you’re bringing up. Like maybe they wish they could be so authentic or witty, so they need to bring you down to make themselves feel better?
Oh, and generally speaking the negatives are smaller than the positives… they just hurt more.
You’re always so sweet. SUPER glad you’re coming to the tweetup.
Yknow, my mother had a saying for times like this:
“Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke”
I’m told this was a fairly common phrase in the seventies, so I’ve updated it to read “Fuck ‘em.” Works for everything.
Sorry this happened to you; for the record, I’m a big believer in name-and-shame. I say you RT their misery for all its worth – you trusted them by following them, and they’ve got no right to abuse that to keep their misbehavior private.
DUDE! That’s EXACTLY what my mother said! I’m so glad you said it’s a common expression. I kinda just thought she was more vulgar than I was.
Of course, that’s the first thing everyone thinks about your mother: “More vulgar than Naomi.” There must be a vast swathe of Buckinghamshire rated R-17 for language.
You know what also sucked about it–being ambushed. If it were a total stranger, it probably would have still hurt, but not as bad.
The internet is the perfect setup for the nasty-note-leaving-personality–back in the day, they had to write you an actual note they they mailed or stuck on your desk or something where they get to make you feel bad without having to face you. Now, that personality has it even easier. True cowardice.
You made my husband’s day with this one, Sarah. He echoes your sentiments exactly.
xx
Hi Sweet girl,
I’m so sorry to hear that someone reached out through the world wide interwebs just so that they could give you a slap! That is so mean! And stupid! And lame. And you so don’t deserve that.
I also know how much stuff like that hurts. And it makes me so mad and sad to know that YOU were hurt.
I completely adore your authentic self and am sending you lots of love and ( to quote fabeku “hippie-cuddles” and whatever else you need right now.
And I also appreciate your ongoing willingness and the amazing courage it takes to talk about and name the hard, scary things that no one else wants to talk about. Thank you for holding the bar so high on truth and integrity.
You are just the best!!
I think we’re going to add you to the ER rotation with Mark, Hiro and Havi. There might be some issues with y’all being on the west coast, but you can duke it out among yourselves.
Thank you, darling. As always.
naomi,
thanks for always keeping it real. i love you for that. i love it that you let your pain show because i relate to you EVEN MORE than I already do.
i think it hurts more when it’s someone who is a supposed “friend.” a random shit-throw we can talk ourselves out of the pain, or at least try to. but when it’s a friend or even someone deeper, where we have agreements in place (unspoken, which is dangerous and another topic altogether) it just f’in hurts. badly.
and then there is all my stuff that comes up that says if I’m authentic and let you see my hurt, you’ll put a knife in there and wiggle it around. cuz now you know exactly where to aim.
eventually i move over to the cost of not being myself, or pretending it doesn’t hurt and it’s way too high. even if it means more shoes being thrown and knives being wiggled.
i have a very personal “hurt” confession to make which i’ll do in my own blog post. it’s about why it hurts more when you know the person, or “think” you know them. very personal. i’ve been wanting to write it but afraid to be that vulnerable and talk about the messy shit. but life *is* messy. we get shit thrown at us, we have miscarriages in board rooms, and nasty DMs sent to us while relaxing in the bath tub.
and sometimes, there is nothing else to do but move on from it. i learned that it really helps though to have friends who aren’t afraid to see/hear you cry and offer multitudes of hugs. the hugs do really help. alot.
oh & because i’m a coach and go all woo-woo and stuff, the big thing that’s up for me is that when people like you, when you are someone who others respect and admire and look up to and all that pedestal shit, and you actually say what you need/want to say and others have not yet found their own voice to do it in, it pisses them off. they think, you have no right because I can’t or wouldn’t. you take them out of their comfort zone and because we’re human, we freak-the-fuck out about it.
here’s another big hug.
Thanks for the hugs and woowoo thoughts. Yeah, coming out and saying something is tough. After the Penelope Trunk trainwreck, it came out that she has Aspbergers and didn’t have any idea that people would freak out so much. True or not, spun or not, it just goes to show that our perceptions are so different from person to person.
Hug gratefully accepted.
The urge to write something inappropriate about Charlie’s surprisingly big stick is nearly overwhelming. Must. Find. Superego.
I know, I’m 9. Must be a good day, usually I’m 4.
@Sarah, I agree, that feeling of being ambushed is really hard to manage. Random strangers I can actually usually laugh off. When someone is closer, my “uh, am I actually a total loser and this was the only person brave enough to tell me?” bells start to ring.
YES! What if everybody else was too busy to notice the total loser factor? Major possibility, or at least major enough to be aware of.
Then you have @chrisbrogan’s faux pas tonight where he said he’d trade 10,000 followers for @ed. And the crowd goes wild, but not in a good way.
We all screw up. Even the gurus.
Authenticity is being forgotten in favor of being big. Life is not a popularity contest…or so I’ve been told. Social media, while a helpful tool, seems to artificially inflate popularity. I don’t want to be artificially popular. Followers aren’t worth a hill of beans, unless you have something truthful and useful to say to them. Start a revolution baby!
So true. How many people feel big and authentic are one and the same when it comes to social media? Sometimes big means unemployed and living in your mother’s basement with lots and lots and lots of time on your hands.
Know what? I’m here for you, anytime. You’re not alone. Just ten numbers away. I’ve got your back.
Now, for the post… stop writing these fucking tear-jerkers, jeez, would you?
The point is, you’re dead on right. We’re the ones standing up there baring ourselves and taking the hits without being allowed to react so that we can continue to feed our kids. One misplaced emotion at the wrong time, and it’s Kraft Dinner all around.
Frankly, that sucks.
The big boys have it easy. They have a company that takes the hits for them. They don’t have to be personal and take risks and get hurt before they can earn a bit of money. They go home feeling good about themselves. They don’t go home and suddenly their smile slips when they cross the threshold because they’re in a safe place where they can hurt.
What’s a little bit worse is not just that we have to hold our smiles until it’s safe, and whisper about it between ourselves, but we also have to come back to our blogs the next day and tell other people, “Don’t worry about what others say. Just be yourself. Let it roll off your back.”
Truth is, while I may be able to take more hits than some people, those hits still hurt, and I still have my threshold. You’re right. None of us are telling the truth.
Because we’d have to admit it hurts like hell. And risk that Kraft Dinner meal.
God, that’s such an important point. When the pressure is on you to not screw up anything ever, it becomes almost impossible to be truly authentic. Because you feel like if you’d just followed the rules, [insert horrible thing here] never would’ve happened.
OMG! a human being caught in the act of being human? whoda thunk it?
On the one hand, I’m from the Richie Cunningham school of thought on this: real friends are willing to forgive, or at least overlook, one bad day (or tweet). If not, it says more about them than it does about you.
On the other hand, my lizard-brain is ready to jump through the internet to deliver an itty-bizzy ass kicking to the miscreant. Just say the word.
Mark
What a bold move, sending a DM attack. And what maturity, attacking you instead of taking issue with what you said (I don’t get what was so offensive, but whatever).
Strong personalities provoke strong reactions. Walk into a room full of people, and a troll will spot you in half a second and start sharpening their daggers (I speak with great sympathy from experience).
Being an adult means taking responsibility for your actions. The Internet seems to have unleashed the barbarian hordes who are thrilled at the chance to say things online they would never dare utter face to face.
Sure it hurts. Being smart and mouthy doesn’t coat your psyche in Kevlar. It doesn’t make you less human. If we were all eight years old, it would be fine to call foul on the bully. But when we’re (allegedly) adults, we’re supposed to ignore it, or pretend it doesn’t matter. “Bully” is a child’s word, so we’re reluctant to use it. “Social aggression” is so sanitized it barely means anything. I call it psychological abuse. I don’t care if that sounds extreme – if it feels like abusive, it’s bloody well abusive.
Sonia, can you get a cross stitch pillow production line going? I’d like to order one.
Thanks, Naomi, for hitting the floodlights. You’ve got good people here and you’re smart to lean on them when you need to (and bravo to the peeps for the great comments!). Get some good sleep. Sleep helps.
Rock on, lady.
You know, it’s interesting that you mention the Kevlar thing. We had a shitstorm on our hands when we took comments off IttyBiz, and a bigger one when we went out and asked if we should put them back on. There was a lot of drama at the time, and we had a lot of people saying, “Look at you! YOU of all people shouldn’t be bothered by mean comments!”
So, because I say fuck a lot I have no feelings? I don’t quite get the argument. It seems like, by saying fuck, people think I’m launching vicious attacks and should be ok with them being launched at me?
It’s kind of like how we think it’s weird when big tough bikers cry. Because wearing a leather jacket means you can’t be sad when someone dies in a movie? WTF?
Yeah, stuff can hurt sometimes. That sucks. Move power to the front shields? I dunno. Easier said than done.
Dude! I need shields! Do you think they sell those at thinkgeek.com?
N,
Authenticity and Transparency are the keys to human interaction, trust, and communications. And, like in real life, sometimes people will be jerks, be reactive, be pushy, or overtly sexual in their communications.
And like in life, you can’t please all the people all of the time. Do what you do as loudly and as boldly as you can and don’t worry about the shitters!
Exorcise them whenever possible. Unfollow, block, delete, whaatever it takes to remove any offenders and bask in the love of those that appreciate your candor and your words.
I know it can be annoying, hurtful, and rude… and you deal with it just like you do in the 3D world: vent, scream, retort or ignore.
But either way, don’t let it impact the way you handle yourself!
Cheers!
Toby Martini
Ooh. That’s interesting, about dealing with it just like you do in the real world. I wonder why we seem to think that THE way to deal with trolls (or whatever) is X, but in real life, we’re allowed to experience and display a whole range of emotion.
Someone slaps you and you might turn the other cheek or you might slap back or you might bitch to your friends for hours, and all of those are on the spectrum of normal. Online, though, it’s like we’re supposed to shut it off. Interesting.
Thanks for coming, Toby. It’s nice to see you.
God, I love when people tell the complete truth of things while speaking their heart, not just their mind.
It’s a freak-show up in the old noodle sometimes (as evidenced by your friend): I don’t care who you are. But the heart will always find a way to say what the mind wants just to spew if you learn to let it take the lead. Takes practice, discipline and commitment – all that behind-the-scenes stuff that can easily go unnoticed (or just plain ignored), even by friends.
I love your raw, gutsy, quirky realness, Naomi. And I can tell you’re committed to speaking from the heart. Both helps me hold onto myself when someone says something hurtful that makes me want to STFU or spew. Wanna know a secret? Whenever I ‘open a vein’ (brilliantly said, BTW), or prepare to ask for something big, I usually touch-in to a couple of my fave Ittybiz posts, breath deep, gulp and hit the button. In fact, your example helped me finally put out a long overdue shingle last week – one I was playing pretty close to the chest for fear of seeming way-out-whackadoodle and getting hurt. But what’s whackadoodle to some is life-changing and liberating to others, and who the hell am I to stand in the way of that?
You help me remember that no matter how lonely it might feel sometimes, I’m never alone out here in the dark, standing for what’s weirdly mine. Especially when it hurts at 2am. I hope this helps you know you aren’t either.
P.S. If the soft self-help stuff doesn’t turn you off, Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford does a great job of explaining the whole freak-out projection phenom. A little understanding sometimes helps soften the sting when a dart comes your way.
God, I love when people tell the complete truth of things while speaking their heart, not just their mind.
It’s a freak-show up in the old noodle sometimes (as evidenced by your friend): I don’t care who you are. But the heart will always find a way to say what the mind wants just to spew if you learn to let it take the lead. Takes practice, discipline and commitment – all that behind-the-scenes stuff that can easily go unnoticed (or just plain ignored), even by friends.
I love your raw, gutsy, quirky realness, Naomi. And I can tell you’re committed to speaking from the heart. Both helps me hold onto myself when someone says something hurtful that makes me want to STFU or spew. Wanna know a secret? Whenever I ‘open a vein’ (brilliantly said, BTW), or prepare to ask for something big, I usually touch-in to a couple of my fave Ittybiz posts, breath deep, gulp and hit the button. In fact, your example helped me finally put out a long overdue shingle last week – one I was playing pretty close to the chest for fear of seeming way-out-whackadoodle and getting hurt. But what’s whackadoodle to some is life-changing and liberating to others, and who the hell am I to stand in the way of that?
You help me remember that no matter how lonely it might feel sometimes, I’m never alone out here in the dark, standing for what’s weirdly mine. Especially when it hurts at 2am. I hope this helps you know you aren’t either.
P.S. If the soft self-help stuff doesn’t turn you off, Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford does a great job of explaining the whole freak-out projection phenom. A little understanding sometimes helps soften the sting when a dart comes your way.
Oops…forgot to say great post! Looking forward to your next one.
Um, first of all, I’m surprised someone would attack you for that if they know you already. Why were they following you in the first place?
Secondly, I’m sorry. Hugs!!
Hard enough coming from a stranger. Devastating from someone you know.
Jerk. Jerk. Jerk.
Rude, stupid cowardly jerk.
Did I mention STUPID? Because if you follow Jeff’s advice and RT…well, duh?
But you won’t RT. Because you are above that.
You risked by being authentic. Lost a little on the Jerk. But gained more by continuing your authenticity with this post.
Block the jerk and keep on writing!
It’s true – my advice is a little petty and you’re totally above it.
On the other hand, I’d love for all the silent nasties on Twitter to know that they won’t get away with it, yknow? What seems so unfair is that they KNOW that sort of talk risks their own Kraft dinners, as James put it, so they DM.
It’s like they know what they’re doing is mean and wrong and that’s the part that bugs me.
This post really hits me.
I am a typical “silent” blog reader who’s been on this blog for like YEARS and never posted any comments or did any form of interaction.
But I feel that I absolutely must share my feelings.
It’s 1am at my time now and reading this post kind of… makes me feel empty?
It makes me question about “authenticity”, “truth”, “who are we really?” and those mumbo jumbo philosophical stuff.
Yeah, something is missing.
Thanks for sharing your feelings. And continue to do great work, Naomi :)
This post hits “that” spot with me. Naomi, you’re a master at drawing out the real stuff.
IMHO, I think we have to define what is considered “transparent” in the social media…as there are most certainly friends in our circles on Twitter, Facebook, etc… but there are also “strangers”, and other levels of relationship in the same group.
We have to write to the whole group, so the level of transparency we portray has to reflect that to some degree I guess (pushing the envelope is always good so you know where you can “push”).
We just don’t have the “big corporate Fortune 500 shield” protecting us from insults and those people who like to hide behind their computer screens.
I’m so sorry that happened to you! Your tweet added lightness to my morning and made me smile…it’s wrong that it came at some cost to you. I hope you can let the tide of support and good wishes carry you forward today.
Dude.
Here’s the thing: people like that are looking to be offended. They’re actually seeking it out. Anyone who’s been on your blog for more than, oh, two seconds, knows what they’re in for when they follow you. And if they choose to follow you anyway, then THEY are responsible for whatever their sensitive little virgin eyes see when you tweet.
I cannot for the life of me conceive of what was so offensive about that tweet. You’ve done worse, babe.
Sympathy aside, I would just like to remind you that no matter what happens, no matter who is a dick to you, no matter shitty you feel, you are and always will be the fattest whale of a woman I know. So fat objects around you naturally lean in because they cannot resist your gravitational pull.
Take comfort in that.
’sensitive virgin eyes’– delicious turn of phrase, Tei.
Someone gave you shit for writing that tweet! Really?! How could that have offended anyone?! Other things you write – maybe, but not that! ;o)
No matter how accomplished we are in our life, I think there is always that nagging doubt that we are ‘wrong’ or not doing ‘it’ right & it just takes one person to tell us we are wrong/bad/etc and our whole house of cards can come crashing down.
How did we get so programmed to accept negative stuff and dismiss the positives people give us? It’s very screwy but we all do it.
I’m only just starting out on my blog and I’m dreading my first negative response – I suspect I’m no where near as tough as you… so heaven help!
I think the thing to try and remember is it’s never about you – it’s about them – their problem, their reaction. The person had probably caught their other half in the bath with both the authors and was just taking it out on you!
Keep up the tweets, maybe make them REALLY bad, so at least you’ll have ‘earned’ the flak! ;o)
R x
Thank you for being real. And for speaking to ALL of it. Giving a few woohoos over here for you and for all of us in your corner.
To: Naomi (someone I don’t know other than here)
From: Annie (someone you don’t know other than here – hello.)
Re: message in a bottle, sent along the cyberspace sea
[Walk along beach, see bottle, pick up bottle, fish out paper inside, unroll paper, and read message & enjoy simple way of communicating.
]
Message, part A: What I know is that, what I know of you (aka groovenanemousness-working-hard-to-be-an-ittybiz-and-a-real-person), I appreciate.
Message, part B: Thanks to the tweet twerp for her/his actions. ‘Cause they are witnessing the manifestation of the “I’m rubber and you’re glue”. Enjoy the love stickin’ all over you!
Hey, good for you for thinking this through in an intelligent and insightful way. I am always wondering “how much is too much?” when it comes to putting myself out there through social media. I guess it comes down to the fact that people out there can be a lot less playful than we want to believe. Better to be yourself, I think.
People say they want authenticity, but they really don’t. They want you to be authentically the way they want you to be.
They want a story they want to hear. Never forget that, and you don’t get hurt.
I’m emailing you now, and you better well tell me who sent the DM. ;-)
Brian,
I wanna pull this out and tweet it. I think it’s a spot-on statement that needs to be heard – may I?
Hi! I’m pretty new to the whole blogging and Twitter thing. But as a freelance writer, I’m giving it all a try. I’ll admit it, while I’m not a boring person, I know my online work comes across as boring because I’m so afraid of what people will think of me if I say what is really on my mind. That being said, I am trying to come out of my shell and I admire people like you who will say what is really on your mind. I see nothing wrong at all with your tweet. Speak your mind and be proud of it, you inspire people like me who hang back in the shadows. Thanks!
I always think that if I’m not offending some of the ‘wrong’ people, I’m just not trying hard enough.
Heya Naomi!
With everyone else I have to say, “Dude, someone has ISSUES”. Also, a bath would be a horrible place for a threeway. I mean, Chris and Julien are big guys! Soap will get in someone’s eyes and you know you’ll end up with a bruise from the tap!
Ahem. Actually also, this comment thread is strongly demonstrating the flip side of social media:
One Issue Dude Can Slam You, But a Metric Fuckton of Peeps That Love You Will Be All, “Dude, What? Back Off With That ‘Tude”. We Love Her and You Are Wrong.”
Catherine
Catherine makes the critically important point. Sex in the bath: most overrated thing ever.
You’re one of the few blogs I come back to read over and over again. I LOVE your authenticity and boldness…. you’re frickin’ over the top, fun to read, informative, hilarious, and indeed ballsy! Whoo ha and a Rebel Belle Yell!
Okay, so Naomi you’re probably so over reading these comments. But I just have to say, having never posted on your blog before, that this post is my favorite of all time, and so it gets a comment. (I’m also being bossed around a LOT right now by this dictatorial shrew who sends me these GOYA e-mails like all day and tell me to post on people’s blog, but that’s like less than 1% of why I’m posting. Seriously)
I’m really commenting because I now like you more than I have ever liked you before. Because, underneath that crispy bitchy scary profane shell, you are like me, and you can get hurt.
Other people have said much more profound words of encouragement or inspiration. All I want to say is that I like you more. So thanks for putting it out there.
Go watch some “West Wing” already.
I think you should build a bigger bathtub…ask Gary V what wine would really crush it with the Trust Agents. Invite us all over. I’ll bring big fluffy towels and some candles.
We can lounge on the fucktons of friendship you engender as you read aloud.
Hugs.
Gah, now envisioning taking a bath with Gary Vee, must bleach brain.
My. God.
*keels over*
Sonia,
*Spit take* ….better call NancyBoy..we need more bubbles…
Bathyfying with Itty Biz…soaking in the good stuff…
I am somehow speechless on my own blog.
You know, that makes me think of a book that has to be written: Wash It!: Why NOW Is the Time to Clean Up with Your Passion.
I have no idea what it would be about. Well a vague idea. I have a hunch it would not be stocked with the biz books at my local B&N, but, rather, one aisle over with all the how-to books with the red and pink covers.
Okay, just rereading this on a fine Saturday morning and thinking huh? I meant CALL Gary V ..not …LOL…. And that we would eagerly listen to you reading from Trust Agents to us. Ah well…
Silly person from the tweet who doesn’t know how to play, you love to play.
But it is funny how we all respond to the words put out there…every one brings a mirror and a projector don’t they? And everyone here brought you lovely presents so that has to feel wonderful.
This morning@Art_News tweeted this from Jung which I had forgotten until now about our shadow selves: “re: insults: Jung called it “shadow” – what we deny in ourselves gets projected onto others”
So somebody splatted their shadow self all over you. Their discomfort, their conflict…a denied part of themselves.
Apparently it is insult season…it doesn’t change the hurt from an ambush, I was ambushed myself this week from a very close source. It stings. A wise man once told me that whenever someone hurls a criticism, or an insult, they are really revealing themselves. So I try to take a deep breath first, and remember that. It doesn’t stop the hurt, just stops me from believing the insult. ( Eventually :) )
And shame on them. Glad you turned it into this open discussion.
And who knows? Maybe Gary V is a lovely man… :)
Hugs.
Hey, Naomi.
Yes, it does hurt like hell… and that’s okay. It’s also okay – and perhaps ‘good’ for you – to remember that crap says way more about that person, than it does about you. And it’s still okay for it to hurt like hell.
The things about this social, online world is the anonymity of the whole thing – even if you do know the person’s name. Not having the face-face, even voice-voice, connection seems to encourage checking manners at the door. Perhaps it’s not manners – perhaps it’s something else.
I don’t know – I just know the virtual distance thing often supports less than thoughtful, less than kind behavior. It’s okay to speak your mind. It’s not okay to cause harm.
And it’s okay for it to hurt like hell.. and it will pass.
xoxo, Ellen who appreciates what you have to say even when she has trouble with your language :-)
Slight tangent,
But “You are your business. You can’t go home from being yourself.” is a completely fucking genius line.
It’s summed up in 2 sentences what I’ve been struggling to to explain to people for about months.
You don’t half write well when you’re riled ;-)
Regarding the catty DM – perhaps you just uncovered one of their deepest hidden fantasies and they reacted out of embarassment? Maybe their version included a bath full of catfood, or jellied eels? Who knows.
As I’ve said before, I always start with ‘perception is projection’ as my baseline when it comes to handling shit like that.
Iain
i am so ordering a no-you-fuck-off-i’m-the-queen t-shirt BEFORE the cushions show up on sonia’s settee … oh wait, i may be atad off-point :)
more serotonin, less toxic 140’s …
“TheToxic 140s” is my new favorite fake band name.
The Toxic 140s? I hear it’s just one guy.
Oh, sorry, wrong blog. (Hee)
Awesome post. It’s amazing what can set people off – your tweet seems pretty innocuous to me. Said person needs to discover a sense of humor, if I dare say so.
I used to work with someone who I offended almost daily just by being me in the workplace. And I can assure you that’s pretty boring.
I vote for every time for Authenticity w/a capital A. There’s already too much homegeneity in the world between the interstates, strip malls and Marriott Courtyards. We need warmth and color and passion to give us a purpose. We need people who are not afraid to be real. Does anyone really enjoy people filled to the brim w/phony baloney?
Like so many others have said – keep up the authenticity!
I loved that tweet. And I swear I will send you mean DMs all day long if you ever go pablum on us.
You’re right, it does hurt like hell. I’ve been experiencing this a lot, lately, myself.
I don’t see any solution, either. Frankly, I was hoping that it would get better as I got more experience. That maybe I wouldn’t care so much. It sounds like that’s not true.
I don’t think this means that we shouldn’t be authentic. I mean, really, what choice do you have if you’re engaging as an individual? If you’re being inauthentic and someone says you suck it probably still stings. But at least by being authentic you have a better shot at finding your Right People, you know?
The weird backside to all this is that if you HAD posted the twitter account holder’s name, most people here wouldn’t “do” anything (you hang with a pretty mature crowd, N, despite the buttock- and coitus-related portmanteaus). Instead, they’d get a lot of looks at their feed and maybe even their website. A few clicks here and there, and their windfall could’ve ended up being a new client. How preposterous would that be?
Therefore, nice job refusing to not only feed the trolls, but to pay them.
Naiomi,
I’ve only recently found your blog…followed Sonia in the door one night. But I have so enjoyed reading your posts.
In addition to echoing the comments of all those above who are far more qualified to speak having known you longer, I have only this to add.
People read your blog and follow your virtual avatar across the social media net because of your honesty–and more importantly, because you are simply a damn fine writer. I don’t agree with those who claim that writing is a solitary occupation. The task of writing is solitary, but the object is communication and that takes multiples. Keep on sharing yourself with us through your writing. It energizes and emboldens those of us who lurk in your shadow, wishing we had the wit and bravery you have.
Shit, 125 comments, nothing like being on the ball and dropping #126!
This is the internet ffs, people can click ‘unfollow’ just as easily as they click ‘follow’. If someone was offended by what you said, firstly they probably shouldn’t be on twitter, there’s way more offensive shite being said, second, they can just click ‘unfollow’?
Vote #1 Authenticity.
P.S. An old rather rotund boss of mine checked out my site, and read “Obesity and Executive Management”, asked if it was about him!
You’ve got everyone’s support Naomi.
So now you have to offer to release the DM if we will all pony up a total of $50,000 to go to charity. I’m in for at least 5 bucks.
First, I have to ask if I sent it. I was very drunk that night and have been having jealousy problems. And my wife said I mumbled something in my sleep like, “Who cares ’bout her anyway – bald head prob’ly getsh all shlipp’ry in th’ bath tub.”
So – if it was me, I didn’t mean it. ;}
You being you drew me to this blog. Keep doing it. :)
Ditto.
I wish I had something witty / clever to say. All I can say is that really sucks.
And I want one of those pillows *and* a T-shirt.
Hugs!
My issue is… how do I in 140 characters summise:
Dude, Please Take Your Unwanted and Unwarranted Opinions And Fuck Off To Donkey Town Where All The Lame People Go.
Did I do it?
(Copy & paste into Tweetdeck)
Holy shit! I did it! I now intuitively speak in Twitter!
*high five self*
Please feel to Copy & Paste my Twitter-Pulitzer-prize-winner anytime you need.
;)
love,
the goddess who doesn’t like meanies.
A link to this article was posted on my Guppies newsgroup. I’m so glad it was and that I took the time to read it. You wrote an excellent heartfelt response.
I found absolutely nothing wrong with your twitter post and I’m shocked anyone else did. You’re right, it is very hard to ignore the mean and nasty cuts, but please try to rise above. You’re worth it.
In my own experience, I can tell you that I don’t use twitter as frequently as a lot of my peers. I try to limit my posts to my work progress (getting my book published) and to my ongoing health concerns (what prompted me to write my book).
I wanted people to get to know me, but the me that I felt comfortable revealing. It’s a fine line between tweeting about minutia and having actual content – my advice to everyone is to limit yourself to two to three tweets per day maximum. It means when you do tweet, people will listen.
Wishing you the strength to rise above this pettiness, the grace to do so like our mothers would and sleep sometime today so you can care for your baby the next time he wakes up in the middle of the night (tonight ;-),
C.J.
Even /b/ hates trolls. Being your wacky self may hurt, but it can be the best thing in the world sometimes.
Toe-licking trolls and haters aside, being you attracts more crazy people, and I think it’s so worth it. As unhappy as these idiots can make us {and that is very}, i think it’s totally paid for by how awesome everyone else can be.
There’s absolutely NOTHING offensive about that tweet. And if this person is truly your friend, do they not GET your writing style? You are the epitome of authentic in my eyes. No real filter, but raw + real. They can choose to read your posts, tweets, whatever. Or not.
Sounds like a classic case of ‘projection’ to me. Who made them the Twitter Rule keeper?
Besides, everybody who reads this blog will know that that’s how your style is, right? Ergo, if that person does KNOW you, wouldn’t they also understand?
Cheers and don’t change – because we all need someone who’s brave enough to explain all this to us in plain “French”.
Naomi –
I’m so glad that you are joining this conversation. And that’s the thing, trolls and the fact that this stuff hurts & people are mean (and it DOES hurt us!!!) need to be said.
Because (1) it is the truth god damnit and (2) there are people who think that once you have a bestselling book or huge seminar or a million dollars then magically everything is perfect and no one is mean and your feelings don’t get hurt and you have a million dollars net (ahem) and every email brings $100K and magical fairies come down to save you. And that is all such bullsh*t.
The hard part is for everyone who is stepping up to take on this conversation, it is really freaking scary & opens us up to even more of this crap. BUT …. (and here’s the thing), it also opens us up to connecting with the most amazing people that have ever been. Since I pretty much just stopped filtering my videos/twitter this summer, my life completely transformed and I now have people in my IRL & virtual life who I really didn’t believe were possible to exist.
On a side note, the people who are the most funny are also the people who are the most sensitive & the people who tell the most truth.
~ ElizabethPW
P.S. I am still stalking you. Well, until I find you at a tweetup.
Wow. That’s a pretty tame comment (I laughed), I’m surprised anyone would take offense at it. Surprised more that they would DM about it. Words still do hurt (so I can actually see both sides, perhaps you hit some personal nerve of the offended person that they weren’t even aware of).
But that being said, they pussed out by DM’ing instead of an open @ reply and letting the world authentically weigh in on your cute comment.
I definitely get hurt when folks leave nasty comments, whether it’s on Twitter or other places like Digg and Reddit. It stings every time, but I’ve gotten better at reminding myself that folks are mean on the internet more because they can be than because of whatever I posted that they’re being mean about. If they weren’t leaving a nasty comment on my post, they’d be leaving it elsewhere.
It hurts more when it’s someone you know for sure. It’s hard to tell from the post how closely you knew the person who DMed you, but I’ve definitely had folks I know both irl and online be pretty rude via social media. I tend to vent to my (very level-headed) husband, and it usually helps a lot. That’s what we pay them for, right?
Naomi,
*hugs* because you deserve them for being the slice of awesome pie that you are.
Maybe we could make a button/widget thingie to go on your homepage that say’s “Click here if you think I’m full of shit…” and then when they click, it opens onto a page of snarling, barking dogs and a big, red graphic that reads “I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!! I will not waste one more minute of my life thinking about you. Now Fuck Off, I’m the Queen!”
xoxoxo Pam
P.S. Tell Sonia to put me down for 4 pillows! ;P
I’m all about honesty. In fact, here’s a little snippet from the front page of my web site…
“It’s not a gimmick. It’s real. It’s honest. It’s me and you working together towards a common goal—making your dream a reality. Drawing out some logo or graphic is easy, but I want to do more than that. I want to collaborate with you. I want to realize your hopes and ambitions and have us both get excited about bringing those concepts alive.”
I like to be honest about everything I do. I may not tweet about what I had for breakfast, but then that’s only because I feel those type of things aren’t really profiting anybody. I mean, I could see it in a phone conversation, but it has no real application on a social media site.
I like to reserve my honesty to speaking about who I am and what I do and the things that led me to where I am today. These things matter in the business world more than what I did when I went to bed.
I agree that it is important to be authentic. I have a site devoted to the topic of authenticity…our names. I’m passionate about the topic of names and think we should choose our names (if we’re not happy with the ones we have). I changed my name several years ago and some people were very offended about that. Some still are! I don’t want to walk around looking for ways to offend people, but sometimes, in being yourself, there are just going to be people who get offended. I wonder if its because they’ve been held back in their life and are angered that you’re moving forward? Great post – I know I will be thinking about this topic for awhile.
As much as I love Gary Vaynerchuck, I admit he went down a few points when he did a video blog while literally taking a shit on the toilet.
Yes Gary, it was probably a good exercise for you to realize the hype of social media is just that: hype.
What we are really dealing with are tools. Human psychology hasn’t changed much. We want to know what we want to know, and these tools enable us to do so.
The rest? Just make sure you close the damn bathroom door and flush your authenticity down the toilet…and don’t forget to jiggle the chain while you’re at it.
Hey, really it’s all about making sure things don’t get out of hand. Social media is dangerous, very dangerous, and don’t kid yourself otherwise. I speak from personal experience from a time before most everyone reading this knew much more about the Internet than you needed something called a modem for it.
Social media in a lot of cases is relinked, rebuilt, and reused ideas about communications that we mostly have already had in forms that were less known, or less useful.
So, when thinking about it, one of the most useful things to do is compare the activities of people with what they would be doing if this were not communication via a keyboard. It’s easier to know what to say to discourage bad behavior that way too. In some cases, taking the communication ‘offline’ & to voice or a personal meeting can solve problems better than continuing down a road of online flaming…