Ask IttyBiz: When Others Rain on Your Home Business Parade
Somebody I know who has a highly cool blog and home business in-the-making emailed me with a totally heartbreaking question. They emailed in response to When Your Loved Ones Want You To Fail. I thought the question (and hopefully answer) would help you guys, and the sender graciously allowed me to use the question anonymously in Ask IttyBiz.
“In short: it’s not about my little blog, it’s about the home business. You wrote a post about it - how to deal with uncooperative “loved ones”. But it is SO hard. I need help from people, b/c it’s a new biz, but sometimes it feels like strangers are a lot more helpful than friends are. Some people, whom I considered as friends, tend to disappear as soon as I ask them for something, even though I would have helped them if they had asked me for help.
My business partner tells me not to take it personally. That a big part of starting any biz is to receive a lot of “no’s” from people whom you expected a “yes”. My spouse tells me not to take it personally. To just re-categorize these people as “acquaintances” and move on. But I DO take it personally. How do you deal with it? Do you just re-categorize and move on? Do you remove these people from your life? How do you avoid feeling disappointed and hurt?”
My woefully inadequate answer:
“Oh, you poor thing. That sucks. It sucks rocks. I have been there. (To a degree I’m still there but I’m making enough money that I can console myself somewhat.)
My story, if it helps at all, is this one. Both of my parents (long divorced and hate each other) have always known I’d do great. No problem there. Total and unlimited source of support. My husbands (I’m on number 2), not as much. Jamie’s great now but there were times in the beginning when he thought I was totally mental. My in-laws were BRUTAL. And my friends? Don’t even get me started. I had to fire my friends and get new ones.
Here’s my theory:
The world of human relationships operates on a pecking order principal. Like dogs in packs. Somebody’s on top, somebody’s next, and so on. Except we’re more complex than dogs, so we have dozens and hundreds and thousands of arenas in which we subconsciously compete.
(The media example is where one sister is the “pretty” one and the other is the “smart” one. When one of the sisters upsets the balance of who is pretty and who is smart, you’ve got a shit storm on your hands.)
Both of my husbands, and both of their sets of parents, have deep down operated with the mindset that the man makes the real money. Yes, the woman is expected to contribute financially, but the man is the real earner. The thing is, I have a skill that pays me three figures an hour in some cases. You just can’t make that kind of money where I live. It throws people off and people hate what they don’t know. It fucks them up.
The real truth of the matter is that the vast majority of the people on this planet are incredibly cynical. In your case (or my case, or the case of pretty much any IttyBiz owner) is that they very strongly think you will fail. They probably don’t WANT you to fail, but deep down, they think you will.
What does that do to them? It makes THEM look like an idiot if they “went along with it”. If they were involved in the process, they were involved in a FAILING process. That is bad for their ego, so they don’t bother.
The what-to-do-about-it part of the email:
If they’re really unhelpful, recategorize as acquaintances and never do them a favor again. If asked why, your answer is that you’re too busy with your business.
If they’re only mildly uncooperative, just don’t ask for help.
Especially when it comes to online biz, they don’t get it. They think of it as a slightly dirtier version of Amway.
As far as how I dealt with the hurt, frankly, I wasn’t hurt. I took the abject failure route through life, so everyone thought I was a complete fuck up. Dropped out of high school, married someone inappropriate, pregnant by 17. If I worked at McDonald’s people would have been impressed. It was no real surprise that they thought I’d fuck this up too. I just don’t talk to them about it any more. I’m also buying a Mercedes to shut them all up (no joke), but that’s just the revenge talking.
Get as much as you can out of your online peeps, and don’t discuss a damn word about your biz with offline peeps unless they ask. If they ask, your answer is, “It’s going great!” You may substitute “awesome” or “never better” if you wish.
Put in 20 hour days if you have to but do not put yourself in the position where you could get hurt any more than absolutely necessary. Sometimes it’s necessary. Most times it isn’t. It’s exhausting and scary and you’ll think you’ll never sleep again, but it’s worth it in the end.”
Do you guys have any advice?
If you’ve got any advice or commiseration to share, bring it on! If you don’t want to identify yourself, just go with “Anonymous” in the comments so you don’t have to publicly mention that your wife was a total bitch and wouldn’t help you with a damn thing.
I like the Mercedes idea. (Mine is 20 years old, but still classy as hell. Nothing says “kiss my ass, world” like a Mercedes. IMO.)
My only tiny bit of advice is that you *don’t* avoid feeling disappointed and hurt. You can’t get away with pretending it doesn’t hurt like hell. Yes, you can be very tra-la-la in public, and whether or not you let your friend know is up to you & how much energy you want to put into that relationship, but don’t tell *yourself* “I shouldn’t take it personally, it’s not really that bad.”
That’s what I’ve found, anyway. If I try not to be a crybaby about things like this, I get so mental I cannot function (as opposed to the day-to-day reasonably functional level of mental).
I also cut the ears off of anyone who tells me “don’t take it personally.” OK, not really, but I wish I did.
It’s both personal and not personal. Relationships are microsystems that operate by largely unspoken (okay a few have been known to be signed in blood, but anyway) agreements and covenants designed to maintain the status quo. When something or somebody starts unsettling the way things are other things or people in the system spring into action to reinstate the status quo.
The critical issue is not whether you take it personally or whether “they” mean it personally (warning semicolon coming); the issue is knowing, understanding, and accepting yourself, your feelings and your perceptions so that you can craft a way to release the hurt or the grieving and not become paralyzed by it. The worst thing that can happen is to become paralyzed and do nothing. Either quit, or work harder, find new friends, move, whatever is well-reasoned and appropriate but don’t let it paralyze you indefinitely. And don’t assume that an opinion that’s popular is correct, just remember that popular opinion once declared it was heresy to think the world was round. And somebody took it personally.
Okay, I feel like I’m shouting, but it would be aimed at myself so no one should take it personally. Good night all.
I think there’s a difference between an opinion based on faith versus experience. Here are three situations for you:
a) your friend doesn’t know your business and has little faith in it
b) your friend knows your business and has little faith in you
c) your friend knows your business and has little faith in it
When your friend doesn’t know your business and has little faith in it, it should be easy to not take it personally because they don’t know any better. I’ve been out on my own for a long time and my mother, though she had faith in me, wanted me to have a bit more security at one point. That’s just how she’s wired. Other friends were like that. If people have your interests in mind but don’t know what you have at stake, don’t take that negatively or too personally.
When your friend knows your business and has little faith in you then that can hurt. Take at least one moment to think critically whether it really is the job for you (there are people I LOVE but who I feel are not cut out for certain things, and I try to be helpful in my explanations why…but I recognize I’m being the problem, as per this example). Then, move on. Distance yourself from them as much as possible. It’ll hurt, but you can do your damnedest to prove them wrong.
When your friend knows your business and has little faith in it then listen to any constructive advice or ask for it: “if you were in my shoes and you had to do this, what you suggest I do to improve my chances of succeeding?” But yeah, otherwise just step away.
Personally I think a lot of people will fit into the first camp, since most of our friends care for us but just don’t get it. It’s a bitch to prove them wrong, but man is it worth it in the end–and not just for the sake of being right but to prove to them you’re a lot more than they thought. At that point you get to decide if you still want them in your life…
On another note–you’ll find some people who believe in you even when you don’t necessarily believe in yourself. They’ll tell you they have so much faith in you and they may even know your business idea is sound, too. Hold onto those people. Whether or not you succeed, those are friends you want.
Been there and have the (lack of) friends to prove it. Sometimes it’s just lonely at the top.
*shines my Mercedes*
[it's my 3rd Mercedes by the way - not new, but still a big :p]
Part of the issue also is that entrepreneurs have a very unique mindset. Our family members do not share that mindset, so they think we are flakes and dreamers.
Well, when they get laid off of the job they were at for 28 years, you can send them a greeting card offering your condolences.
I can relate to the “sometimes it feels likes strangers are a lot more helpful than friends”.
It’s not that my friends and family are particularly discouraging, but I was really surprised by the response from a few casual acquaintances when my new biz came up in conversation - they offered help before I asked.
I was slow to talk about my ambitions with people I didn’t know well - thinking I had to get properly ’set up’ before I could start reaching out. But those early positive responses spurred me to be more active and more confident in seeking out help and contacts.
And, funnily enough, it helped me be more assertive (and therefore get a better response) when talking with my family.
So why is it harder for our nearest and dearest to offer the same level of support offered by strangers?
You could give them the benefit of the doubt and say that (particularly if they are not risk-takers themselves) they are afraid we be hurt by the inevitable failure.
As others have said already, it could be because you are upsetting long-held and largely unspoken family/friend beliefs about where everyone fits in and the limits of what can be achieved. If they have slogged hard as cubicle hamsters for xx years to earn their house/car/useful member of society badge, why should be you be allowed to step off the wheel and go for your dreams?
Anyway, I’m losing my way. Take heart in those people that do believe in you. Enjoy what you are doing enough that you can ignore the ones that don’t.
What a great post :)
It has been awhile since I’ve heard any negativity from anyone about my online business but I remember the comments many made in the beginning.
I never took what was said personally. In every case I knew the remarks were cased in a real concern for my financial well being or in a lack of understanding.
Well, there was my mom - but she’s never had anything positive to say about anything ;)
Part of the reasons “strangers” can be more helpful than friends is that friends are less likely to be aligned with your business goals in the first place. It’s easy to find a tight group of focused people online … but locally, you’re limited to who’s around you and what their interests are.
Good post. Damn good post.
Naomi, I agree with your views. Additionally, people with vulnerabilities (i.e. most of us have a few somewhere) can find your success, or your determination and motivation challenges their view of the world in some way. Like you said, some have this old fashioned view that the male brings in the major income to the family. If he doesn’t they struggle to make sense of it in the world that they came from. Trouble is, their world has gone by.
So we all will find people who are not able to deal with their own feelings constructively and work out what is happening for them, and change. They are the ones who will NEED you to fail so that their world is made real again.
Another point, and something I work hard on myself, is that, like Tom Hanks said in ‘You’ve Got Mail’, “It’s not personal, its business” but I know it isn’t as simple as that.
It’s hard to do but when you think that way I have found things work a lot better. I get customers at my music site that say some pretty annoying things sometimes but if I begun an argument with them I would end up being the looser. The best way is to stay professional.
Mixing friends with business is never going to be easy.
I think the biggest problem when we make a huge life change, like start our own business, is that we challenge other people’s beliefs about themselves, how the world works, and what everyone is capable of. You just went and did the impossible by uttering the words, “I’m starting a business.”
Their feigned enthusiam, “Oh how nice.” Or flacid, “Oh, I bet you’ll need help, just let me know.” Is because you just sucker punched their belief system.
They don’t understand on a fundamental level that your success means the likelihood of their success in life, whatever their passions are, is greater. They think it’s a zero sum game. For the same reason blacksmiths hated automobiles, they hate you because they think you are taking away a piece of their opportunity pie. The offended person doesn’t even need to be in a comparable industry, or employable. It could be your 85 year old grandma who thinks back to the pie shop she wished she had. Whatever. They are just scared.
I think, in time, this changes. Or maybe it doesn’t. I don’t think this means you have to ditch your friends and family. Unless they are truly awful. You can always avoid the conversations that make you mad. It is hard. But that’s when you run to the ladies room, cry, pray, swear, and come back to the table refreshed.
I guess I must know how to pick ‘em or have been very lucky because I haven’t had this happen with any friends, everyone has been supportive. The only place I got this attitude was my old job, which I think was a clear straight-up jealousy issue.
I can appreciate this, especially as we approach the in-laws to explain why we’re not making a “career”. Unlike so many online entrepreneurs, we’re going to a more “offline” life: out of the rat race, off of the “career path”, onto the farm. (Literally: a farm. I want to raise sheep!)
My friends are by and large…confused. They’re not negative as much as they are dubious. If there is a pecking order, I’m confusing things because I’m choosing to drop out of it.
My advice: look at your life and your business. Is it truly what you want and need? Is it fulfilling you in ways they can’t understand? Then it’s worth it…console yourself with the knowledge that you know YOU better than anyone!
Family and friends have been my largest obstacle throughout my career as a freelance writer.
They didn’t believe I could do it (they still don’t, even though I pull in a six-figure income.) They disqualified my skills. They pushed me to get a “real” job. They criticize my ideas.
They make faces when they don’t understand and don’t want to hear explanations. They don’t care about what I do. They think it’s strange to work online.
They interrupt me constantly in a work day, they tell me to work less and that I should focus on getting back into the marketplace, and they tell me to drop everything because it’s 7pm. They demand I take weekends off and they blow off my deadlines, saying that all I have to do is send an email saying I’ll be late.
They screw up their faces and ask me what kind of a job has such strange hours as mine. They don’t have faith in my ideas and they crush my excitement.
This has been going on for years - and with no sign of stopping.
Acknowledge that you won’t get the support you need - and find the support from online people who understand. Because that’s all it is, really. People just don’t understand unless they’ve done it themselves.
Stand strong, take heart and know that it’s not you, it’s them.
I went through a similar experience with many transitions in my life. One such transition was losing a lot of weight where I noticed that my parents, relatives, and many close friends opposed my new healthy eating and exercising habits. Many would tell me that I’m getting too thin, when in reality I was still a few pounds overweight. I think the real issue is that subconsciously they didn’t want me to succeed since then they would have to consider their own eating and exercising habits. However as I kept pursuing my weight loss efforts, and became comfortable with my new reality as a thinner healthier individual I noticed a very interesting change. Instead of opposing me my parents and relatives started actually try to lose weight themselves.
Skellie posted a VERY good related post. Read it.
http://www.anywired.com/14-defenses-against-the-anti-entrepreneurial/133/
Aw, James, that’s really the pits, I’m sorry.
Reading the comments here makes me wonder if for many, the loss of a ’successful’ friend that chooses to go off and do something they don’t understand is about their need to surround themselves with ‘important’ ’successful’ people. For instance, a city bunch of suit wearing couples, why would they want to be associated with an aspiring sheep farmer? Perhaps its that it is so out of their understanding as well as almost a rejection of their way of life that insults them.
I left the city and went to the coast to start a range of small businesses. I got a lot of positives when this happened probably because so many people I knew were disillusioned too.
I do recall telling my dad I was in touch with one of my old band members and we were going to collaborate on something. He always thinks music and bands means drugs and so I’ve never had much support from him. My old band mate has made a lot of money with music, doing soundtracks for The Matrix and Laura Croft films for example. Now I have my own small music business he can’t ignore it anymore. But at least he accepts it rather than carries on dis’ing it like James above had experienced.
Strangers are the best! When I want advice or tell them my ideas, I get an objective answer. I also more often than not get the truth. They don’t know me, I don’t know them, so what have they (and I) got to lose? When it comes to business, it’s the strangers I reach out to. My friends and family are just like anyone else’s. It’s very hard to get support. My in-laws are astonishingly quick to shoot down any ideas I have. I’m astounded, actually, by such small thinkers. But how you deal with it, since you asked, might be to change how you think about it. I realize this sounds like another way of saying don’t take it personally, but hear me out. It’s not that. Because it is personal. In every way. However, you try choose to interpret what they’re saying to you by understanding why they’re saying it: PEOPLE ARE SIMPLY CONDITIONED TO THINK LIMITING BELIEFS, or negatively. Some, like you, fight it, most don’t.
Milena said much of what I think on this. When you have the balls to go for your dreams, you make people uncomfortable. Most have long forgotten their dreams as a result of their conditioning. You go to school to get an education to get a good job, ad nauseum. Starting your own business is risky, and risk doesn’t factor in people’s lives when they’re not dreamers. Whereas they’re in the rat race and believe, like my in-laws, that government jobs and the like are the way to go because they’re “good jobs” (but read: slave to someone else in order to advance their wealth and not your own), you are daring to dream and discover your full potential. It’s not as though I’m saying we put people down in order to get over how they hurt us; it’s more that we understand the weaknesses and flaws in people’s thinking. You are ambitious; they are not. You are a believer; they are not. You have dreams; they’ve given up on them. Whereas Naomi knows she’s getting a Mercedes (because she dares to think big), they are happy their Omnis start in the morning.
People just can’t think past their entrenched limiting beliefs because it’s too scary. Those who question their conditioning, however, like you, go on to do very incredible things, not least of all start their own businesses and eventually gain freedom.
PS. Naomi, if you haven’t yet short-circuited over all the semicolons and are still reading this: I’m sorry!
My desire to start my own biz precipitated my divorce six years ago. My (then) husband simply could not deal with the idea that after years of staying home to care for our boys and our home, I might desire to do something more fulfilling than cleaning toilets (i.e. something that did NOT revolve around him).
Thankfully I’m in a relationship now with an amazing man who really gets the entrepreneurial mindset and is very supportive. Still…the first time he told his mother what I do her response was, “Oh…so she’s broke and works from home.” When he shared his mother’s response with me I burst out laughing. What else can you do? There will always be those who don’t get it, those who are waiting for us to get “real jobs.”
My advice…surround yourself with those who do get it, who are supportive, and be very, very careful who you share your hopes, aspirations and intentions with. Especially in the early stages of a new project or venture, when your own doubts are likely to be rearing their ugly heads, making you more susceptible to the nay-sayers.
Naomi - This is a great post. I’m slowly transitioning from a “regular” day job to full-time freelancing. It’s hardest when the hubby and kids are home, because like others here have said, they don’t get it. They don’t bug me until I sit down to write. Then all of a sudden, I’m the only one on the planet that has what they need.
James, thanks also for that very candid post. I’m thinking that a lot of what you described is in my future.
Lisa
I was wondering how I could mention my relevant guest post on Anywired without sounding spammy. Thanks for doing it for me, James!
@ Hunter - Shit, that was YOU? That’ll teach me to read the author. I assume that whoever owns the blog writes the content. Oops…
It was brilliantly excellent. Well done.
@ Lisa - You’re welcome. It’s unfortunate, but most freelancers will have similar futures ahead of them (or are living them now). You’re not alone.
@ Sonia - You can’t be sorry if you didn’t do it :) But thank you. It *is* the pits, more than you know. On the other hand, I now have a hard shell :)
Naomi - only a really great post, well written, could inspire these smart comments.
Jared’s sorting is so true, so useful.
Brent’s comment is also dead on (although people with this limiting POV will be dying out in the next decade.)
And James’ terrific candor reminds me of what gay couples must (?) face when they try to explain why they want to marry…
Great comments guys! I’ve been there.
I think it’s a little bit due to subconscious jealousy.
I get to do what I want, when I want, with passion, freedom, satisfaction — at way more $$ — and they don’t. It’s like they’re long-married and I’m newly single, and they’re a little jealous. Even though being ’single’ is really hard work! No security! No pension! No paid vacation! The grass is always greener from their POV — I like my grass just fine, thank you.
I HAVE to think of it that way, or I’d be really bummed. So I don’t flaunt the perks, don’t ask for help/referrals (tried, got zip) to avoid disappointment, and figure this is how you know who your real death-bed-invited friends are.
Naomi — this blog of yours is really one of the best things to happen to me in my decade of soloing. I learn from you, from your readers, from myself — many, many thanks for the extra effort it takes you. It’s really making a difference in so many ittyBizzes.
I knew it! You Mercedes owners DID buy them to stick in our faces! Well it works.
People need to remember the difference between getting support (”Hey - how’s the business going?”) and getting “favors”. Remember that even your best friends didn’t sign up (and you’re relatives never even signed up) to buy your stuff just to help you out, or even worse - to talk their other friends into doing it. Maybe you’ll make new friends who ARE signing up to be involved in your business somehow, but keep your other friends for the reasons you got them in the first place (unless they just piss all over your ideas). And back to “favors” - in business (and especially sales) the more favors you GIVE without expecting anything back, the more (sincere) help you’ll get. I know it sounds hokey, but with anybody you think you want to have a business relationship with, first think of what you can do to be of value to them. Then don’t expect reciprocity (my big word for the day) but be prepared to be grateful for it when it comes.
I know this sounds easy when you’re not just starting out and scared shitless, but when you are gaining momentum and not so scared anymore, you’ll look back and realize that the really profitable relationships you have are the ones where you made an initial investment. Not all of them will work, and you might have to beg on occasion to get through the day, just don’t make a habit of it.
Very interesting post…. but what about the entrepreneurs/freelancers who DO fail? And refuse to listen to those supposed doomsayer friends?
For example: I have a friend who quit his job that was making him miserable and started a life coaching business. Except that was 2 years ago, he has only had one paying client, and he is the absolutely LAST person in the world who should be coaching anyone - he’s been on welfare since quitting the job, refuses to give up his car or cell phone as he “needs” them (despite living in a huge city with an excellent public transportation system) cannot give up his digital cable and has completely maxed out his credit cards. Not to mention the thousands of dollars of debt he was carrying before.
He doesn’t use the library as the catalogue is “too difficult” to navigate, despite my offers to help (I’m a librarian! There are so many books that could help him with his itty biz!) and complains endlessly about how everyone in his life is telling him to get a “real” job. I have offered many suggestions but he shoots them all down “That will NEVER work” and it’s really painful to watch him spiral deeper into denial. He NEEDS a life coach - he shouldn’t be one.
So, there’s the other side: sometimes friends are able to point out what the home business person is oblivious to… just as I wish, whenever American Idol auditions come around, that someone other than Simon could tell these people that they don’t have talent - but when you are focused on a goal, sometimes it’s impossible to take a step back and look at the situation realistically. Some people seriously do NOT have what it takes, and the naysayers aren’t being jerks - they are being realistic.
I’ve had kind of a strange split with my friends. Half of them don’t really understand what I do and think I’ll fail. The other half think I don’t make enough money–because they don’t understand what I do.
If they happen to be reading: I love Problogger too, guys, but I’m not Darren Rowse. Hell, I’m not even much of a blogger.
‘anonymous for now’ makes a good point. Sometimes we all perhaps need a reality check but I guess the difference is when someone’s opinion is derogatory and pidgon holes you like saying “how’s your hobby job?”
One of the top rules of starting your own business is IMO, to downsize your costs and living aspirations. If you can’t do this you make things a whole lot harder for yourself.
Sounds like this guy is living in a dream-world as opposed to the reality of the needs of a new career. I hope it doesn’t destroy them before they realise.
Here’s the thing. What will you let stand in your way? It is so very important to find like minded people who want to inspire and nurture you, share useful knowledge. Why? Because you have a vision for yourself. It is not so much who or what upset occurred , but that it does upset you. Proximity weighs in heavily there. I found a very useful term in Eckhardt Tolle, (his New Earth) , “pain body”. Look that up. It is the most useful tool I have found lately for just this thing. Upsets will occur. Just like obstacles. But it is how you deal with them that will affect the outcome and that eventual success you’re after. And you have a choice. You can lament them( time and energy draining), get tangled up in them( totally counterproductive ) or you can acknowledge them, put them in their proper place for you, and get on with it.
We are wanting you to win. Come on, you can do it. :)
Naomi,
Good post, great thoughts. It’s most important for the friend to know it happens to everybody. Ditch ‘em to the extent you can. Some you can’t, so read on:
I know these two people. Just so you don’t think it’s me, they’re married, which everybody knows I am oh-so-NOT. Anyway, after many years of putting in his dues, one looks at the other and says, I’d like to do something I want with my remaining years. I want to be the boss. She says, okay, you’ve earned it, but I don’t like it.
She gave him fair warning, I suppose.
She proceeds to pummel his choice, daily, for years. Maybe forever but that hasn’t come yet. How the business succeeds and grows each year with that level of negativity is beyond me, but it does.
1. Stiff upper lip. Though I would personally be crushed under that weight, if he is I have never seen it. Either he really brushes it off or he’s a good faker. Both work. Since negativity can be a form of bullying, I think ignoring the bully is your first defense.
2. Living well is the best revenge. Make a go of it, make a great go of it, and feed a little off the negativity. “I’ll show them” is not necessarily bad. It’s sometimes energizing.
3. If part of being hurt by it is feeling there’s an element of truth, then dig in to that element, master it, and make your weakness your strength. Businesses do fail and that stinks; don’t let yours fail because you ignored something preventable or fixable.
Personally, I get family negativity ALL the time. I gave up worrying about that long ago. It gives folks something to say. Then we don’t have to talk about my hair or my love life.
Jared,
Your three camps are perfect. “Most of our friends care for us but just don’t get it.” Yeah, that’s what the stiff upper lip is for. I totally agree.
Andrew,
I went through that years ago. I hadn’t thought about it in that way, but the two types of negativity are VERY similar, you’re right. My family was right at the top of that list of naysayers, too.
Damn. I have a negative family. Hehehe. Good thing we’re Irish, I say “have a drink,” and I make six jokes about how they’re bugging me and we get on with it—until the next time.
4. Your sense of humor is very important in business anyway. Use it with family and friends. :)
James “You Don’t Love Me” Chartrand,
What kind of hard shell is that?
She loves you. Right after she marries me she’s gonna marry you, I’m sure.
Regards,
Kelly
@ Kelly - That, darling, is modern technology at its best. You see, I once made a joke and changed my moniker. It was brilliant - for the moment.
But there’s this little thing called automemory and cookies and crumbs and shit like that on my computer that makes my fucking moniker come up and make me look like an ass at the worst possible moments.
BUT! Only on Naomi’s site.
Hmmm….
Maybe she really doesn’t love me.
@ James — I’m staying out of this shit. :)
@ Naomi - There you go, breaking my heart again. And again. And again.
I think you should just keep with “fucking monikers”. It’s edgy. It has mystique. Just like you.
James, dear,
If we will blame cookies instead of love, then I should tell you that you have written it on my blog as well.
I tell you this not because our great and abiding love is beyond dispute, but because I do not want you to come to MCE and leave “Fucking Monikers” as your tag.
I deleted that three times, because I can’t stand to see (myself) swearing in print. Now the last taboo has been broken. All because of Naomi’s blog.
Deepest and sweetest regards,
Kelly “Typing the F-word Gives Me Hives” Erickson
@ Kelly - Ah, but on your blog, it was intentional. And relevant. And for different reasons.
And it’s okay to say fuck here. This is our curse-word playground.
@ James — THAT’S the tagline!! You have it!!!
“IttyBiz… It’s okay to say “fuck” here”!!! :-)
@ Naomi - No, no no… benefit!
Ittybiz. Where you can say fuck in full comfort - and get business tips, too.
@James - Now that is one helluva tagline! Brilliant!
My dear, I might swear like a sailor in person, if it helped to express my feelings, but typing like a sailor on a blog just doesn’t work for me. Being raw and giddy and full of innuendo, I’m good with.
Naomi’s the Queen anyway… why mess with perfection?
Wow, I’m taken aback by everyone’s stories. I always thought it was just hubby and I with these issues and now I see that a lot of people are facing them. It’s really too bad that the people we love the most can at the same time be the most hurtful.
Fortunately for hubby and I, mostly we get apathy now although we went through some rough stuff over the last few years. The apathy is actually really good for me because I’m too sensitive no matter how much I try to toughen up. It is hard not to take it personally when you live, eat, and breath your work and someone wants to smash it down.
Adversity really can give you a good motivation to succeed though, that’s true. I’m extremely proud of how far we’ve gotten and one day when we consider ourselves truly successful, we’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that we did it all by ourselves. Well, by ourselves and with the support of our lovely clients and online friends who make it possible.
Hey, this is like therapy. We all get to share our stories/feelings and curse freely.
I can totally relate to part of the challenges the emailer is going through. Luckily, my husband and many of my friends support and get behind me. One of my closest friends (and some of the inlaws) just don’t get what I do so there’s not much support there.
My suggestion, find some networking groups. I recently took my business in a new direction through the Ladies Who Launch group and let me tell you, I’ve made some great friends and a killer support/cheerleading team. So find that group that allows you to toot your horn, as well as support you when you need it. It’s made a world of difference.
Good luck.
I think the “but what if they’re really clueless” point is a good one, but I don’t think you really know that for another person. (OK, anonymous’s friend is clueless, but he is also not going to go out and get a big ole clue because someone tells him, Uh, dude, you suck pretty bad at this.)
And sometimes the people you think will never make it *do*.
As to the support/help thing, my husband is excellent in many ways, but asking him to give me meaningful help in what I do is like asking the cat to do my taxes. If by some miracle they got done, I wouldn’t exactly trust the outcome. He’s nice and makes nodding motions, which works great for me. If I need help, though, he’s not the person I turn to.
Then again, I am unbelievably bad at asking for help, so my advice on that is probably pretty useless.
Former “Lurker” to this site. Been working for myself pretty much my whole life, 50+ years, started in my early teens. Found out then in teen-hood that most folks are envious, mentally thick as a brick, and even good friends DO NOT want to see you succeed too much.
My view:
“Can’t Help About The Shape I’m In,
Can’t Sing, I Ain’t Pretty, & MY Legs Are Thin,
But Don’t Ask Me What I Think Of You,
I Might Not Give The Answer That You Want Me To.
OH WELL”
Lyrics From The ORIGINAL FLEETWOOD MAC w/Peter Green
Toughen up there “Sparky” and get skin like a Rhino. That’ll put a smile on your mug and a spring in your step. SUCCESS IS THE BEST PAYBACK!! Friends can’t/won’t back you up, just tell ‘em this.
“I got 2 words for you, one of them is “YOU” and the other ain’t “THANK”. Oh Well!
Mitch Dominguez
[...] Why Mom Was Right About Success Is Social Networking Overrated? Ask IttyBiz: When Others Rain on Your Home Business Parade Strategic Withdrawal: Quitting for the Rest of Us And the RANDOM LINK of the day goes to: Lost [...]
The more sucessful I get the more I understand my best friends and family will never be in my “fan database”. Yes, it’s curious to know how people you don’t know can be the most suportive in your life. I wrote about it in this post:
http://www.koldobarroso.com/thanks-designer-women/
I often think they’re missing an important part of my life, and I don’t expect aplauses from them but the trouble starts when I just can’t share the most important thoughts, feelings and events in my life with any of them just because they don’t give a damn about it, and I think this is very sad.
Koldo:
Bingo! Every time I try to talk to my one friend about the business, his eyes glaze over. Not only does he not understand, but he doesn’t even seem to want to understand. It pisses me off at times because this is a part of my life and he doesn’t care.
When you get excited about life it is your friends and family you want to share it with most, and when they don’t want to reciprocate it can get pretty frustrating.
when I attempt to play my music (that I sell) to friends I risk my ego being smashed by throwaway comments like, “that sounds like that song from the 80’s” or, shock/horror, talking over my music!!
There’s me, deep in analysis of each component of the composition and they are asking if I want a cup of coffee and walking into the kitchen.
Its wasted on them!
Similarly I have a local mate who we only talk about his wood joinery business because we could never strike up a conversation about selling music online or blogging because he has no interest in learning about it. So we just talk about wood which gets a bit boring after a while.
Maybe Naomi should write an article on finding the right friends to match your business…
..in fact…. maybe I should.
[...] After so many years where you have been there to demonstrate how successful they are, there is a serious risk that they will begin to feel inferior to you. Naomi’s article is here. [...]
I have been experiencing all of this. I JUST got started, and am going mostly off of what I can find on the internet, buy at the bookstore, and invent as I go. When friends found out that I cut my work week down to a couple of days a week so that I could work on my site full time, I got all sorts of pissy responses about how hard they work and ‘good luck, champ’ -responses. Now? I realize my friends are assholes. Especially when I ask them for help, they turn up useless or ‘busy.’ That’s fine. I will put in twenty hour weeks. And, when I’m sitting at a conference in Canada, negotiating 55K a month deals, they can have fun working at Walgreens.