I know you’re worried. I know it feels impossible and daunting and terrifying. I know you wish someone would make it all better. We’re going to do our best to start getting you there, ok? Promise.

I’m going to talk you through this. I can’t make it all better, but I’m pretty sure I can make the fear you’re feeling a whole lot more bearable, so you can save that important part of your sanity. (The one that lets you do the things that keep food on the table.)

I’m going to take you through three steps to get the panic to go away, and I won’t make it complicated, because your head is likely already swimming.

Before we move on to the three steps, though, I have a question for you.

What is the worst that can happen?

A lot of people ask that question as a trick. What they really mean is, “I, being smarter and calmer and more rational than you, understand that what you’re afraid of is stupid. I’m asking you so you can come to that conclusion on your own, without me having to look rude by telling you.”

They may also mean, “The worst that can happen is not so bad, so could you please stop complaining?”

They could possibly mean, “I’m getting pretty bored of talking about this and would rather move on to talking about me. Making you realize how dumb and irrational you are is probably the most expeditious way of ending this line of conversation.”

Or, “Maybe if I make you feel foolish, I’ll look really smart.”

Or, “Stop it. You’re terrifying me. I don’t want to look terrified, so I’ll bluster with fake confidence and we can forget this ever happened.”

Because, see, when someone normally asks you, “what’s the worst that can happen?”, you are not supposed to answer. You’re supposed to dip your head a few degrees and quietly say, “Yeah. I know. You’re right. I’m just freaking out, I guess.”

So I want you to answer it. Now. Stop dipping your head, and stop saying, “yeah, I know”. (Primarily because I can neither see nor hear you. I wrote this weeks ago and I live in Canada, anyway.)

I am not asking you this so I can convince you that you’re not allowed to be afraid. Hell, yeah, you’re allowed to be afraid. If you’re not afraid, you’re not paying attention.

I’m asking because fear is much easier to deal with when you know exactly what it is you’re afraid of. (It’s a whole lot easier to kill the monster under the bed if you know what kind of monster it is.)

So first, decide what the worst possible outcome of this situation is.

Go ahead. I’ll hang out here.

Make it really bad. Not laughably bad – I’m not trying to force you out of your fear by making you chuckle. That is a delay tactic that doesn’t get us to the root of the problem.

I just want you to really, really look at what it is you’re afraid of.

The biggest fear like this you see in women is “becoming a bag lady,” so we’ll go with that for our example.

You’re afraid of becoming a bag lady. An actual, homeless, bag lady. This is not a euphemism, this is real. You’ve actually defined this as your most feared Worst Case Scenario.

Most of the time, we try to avoid thinking of this scary “end of the world” situation. But let’s not avoid it. Let’s actually work through what the fear means so we can see if it is, indeed, the fear we make it out to be.

We’re going to work through this fear with three lines of questioning. Reflection, logic and empowerment.

Reflection: Why are you afraid? As in, what’s the actual real reason?

Why are you afraid of what you’re afraid of?

Let’s say you’re afraid of your ittybiz failing.

(Well, first, that’s a pretty vague fear, and you’ll probably want to define it a little better. I’ve helped over 1000 people quit their day jobs and I have yet to hear a consistent definition of business failure, so you’ll have to be more specific. Filing for bankruptcy? Needing to take on freelance work? Having to go back to temping for a while? What does “failure” even mean? But that’s another issue for another day.)

So what is scary about your ittybiz failing?

You might lose your house?

You might be unqualified for a job after all this time out of the workforce?

Your husband might think you’re a loser?

You might be really embarrassed in front of all of your friends?

Your life might lose all meaning?

These are all legitimate fears. There’s nothing wrong with them. But you do have to realize that you’re not actually afraid of your ittybiz failing in these instances.

You’re afraid of homelessness, lack of options, shame, embarrassment, and loss of meaning.

Those are very different animals, and they’re a whole lot easier to protect against. Your ittybiz may indeed fail because your ittybiz may be stupid, or badly run, or marketed half-assed. But you can at least do other stuff to keep your house, keep your skills up, keep your husband in love with you, keep your friends thinking you’re cool, and keep meaning in your life.

These are all things you can get some control over regardless of how you earn your income, and just coming to terms with that can take a lot of fear’s power away. You might feel a real sense of personal power return to you after realizing what you’re actually afraid of.

Sometimes this helps. If it does, you win, and the day is saved. But for some fears, the day is not saved, so you’re hardly done yet.

Now. On to question two.

Logic: What would have to happen for your worst fear to come to pass? As in, actually, in detail happen?

Let’s go back to the bag lady.

What would have to actually take place for you to become a bag lady?

Well, first of all, every single compassionate human you know would have to either lose their compassion, or their home.

Upon hearing about your soon-to-be bag lady status, your sister in Poughkeepsie would have to tell you that she can’t put you up.

Your old college roommate would have to be a bag lady herself.

Your mother. Your neighbor. Your best friend. Your daughter’s ballet teacher. Everyone would have to play their “no room at the inn” card.

How likely is that?

Right, you say, but it’s still scary. “Yeah, but what if this happens …”, right? I know.

But if I called you up tomorrow and said I had lost my home and had absolutely nowhere to go, what would you do?

I don’t know what you’d do. But I’m guessing you wouldn’t stick your fingers in your ears, scrunch your eyes shut and shout “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!”

Look at your own worst case scenario. (“There’ll be a massive scandal and I’ll lose all my customers!”)

OK. Let’s do the same exercise. This time’s a little easier.

What would have to happen for you to lose ALL your customers?

How likely is that?

Pretty damned unlikely. You’d probably have some customers who stayed. So you wouldn’t be completely screwed. If you lost 75% of your business today, you’d still have 25% of your business left. You can work with that. It will still pay some of your bills.

That doesn’t make it all better, but it gives you more control than thinking you’ll have nothing.

And that control lets you keep taking action. And sometimes the simple act of realizing how unlikely the total Worst Case Scenario is will bring the fear down to a manageable level.

Now, just like the first question, this does not work without fail every time. Sometimes you still hear the monster under the bed. So now we open door number three for the third question:

Empowerment: How can you get some control back if the worst does happen? Actual, day-to-day control?

What are you likely to do if you become a bag lady?

Are you going to sit there on your bench all day, lamenting your status in life? Are you literally going to sit on a bench, occasionally getting up to shuffle aimlessly through the streets, until your dying day?

Or are you going to take some kind of action to change your status?

“But I don’t know what I would do!” you say. “That’s why it’s so scary!”

Well, you could find out what you would do. Right now. Call your local homeless shelter and say, “I have a friend who just became a bag lady. What should she do?” That’ll take care of it pretty quickly.

Alternatively, consider what you do NOW when things don’t go your way.

Do you just cry about them? Or do you do something to change them?

Let’s make it something small. You are stressed on a Sunday evening because you have not done laundry, you have no laundry soap, and the store is closed.

What is your likely response?

You might do laundry some other way. Bathtub and shampoo, baby.

You might acquire laundry soap some other way. “Knock, knock. Hi. I’m your neighbor. I’ve run out of laundry soap. Can I please borrow a scoop of yours?”

You might send the children to school in something less clean than would otherwise be considered ideal.

You might send the children to school in something seasonally inappropriate, since the off-season clothes are clean in your storage closet.

I can tell you what you almost definitely will not do.

You will almost definitely not sit, defeated and inert, shocked by how this happened and feeling powerless to alter your fate, perpetually keeping your kids home from school out of shame, and feeling completely ignorant about how you could possibly move forward in light of this drastic change in circumstance.

You will not sit and do nothing. You will – smart and lovely person that you are – decide you need to get off your ass and change something. You will borrow the laundry soap. You will call your sister and take advantage of her couch-y hospitality.

“But I don’t want to stay on my sister’s couch! I don’t want to send my children to school in dirty clothes! That would be terrible!”

Nobody’s saying that your “what would I do if worst came to worst?” is going to be FUN. Nobody said it wouldn’t have any downsides. This isn’t exactly your Plan A, here.

Nobody expects you to respond to this exercise by saying, “Well, hell! I could just move to my sister’s right now! AND I could send the kids to school in dirty jeans tomorrow! Now I feel all better!”

But you’re all worked up in a panic attack about your worst case scenario, not random unpleasantness.

When asked, “What is the worst that can happen?”, you replied, “Becoming a bag lady.”

You did not reply, “staying on my sister’s couch.”

Ergo, staying on your sister’s couch is better than being a bag lady.

If you can agree that staying on your sister’s couch is better than being a bag lady, congratulations! Crisis averted. You have avoided your worst case scenario.

Your life isn’t exactly a bed of roses, no. Her couch smells, kind of. And she’s a chain smoker. And she keeps doing her psychic readings in the kitchen while you’re trying to make your toast.

BUT YOU’RE NOT A BAG LADY.

And I’ll tell you, the day to day fear of staying on your sister’s couch is a hell of a lot less damaging than the fear of becoming a bag lady.

Remember when I didn’t promise to make you feel better? Here’s why.

If you go through all three of these steps, you will still be scared. But you’ll be scared about the right things, and they will be much, much smaller and more manageable fears.

“I’m afraid my business will fail and I’ll become a bag lady” is a vague, out-of-your-control fear that will keep you not only scared, but terrified. It feels potentially unavoidable.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to sleep on my sister’s stinky couch” is a very specific, much-more-in-your-control fear that will make you so uncomfortable that you’ll actually want to do something to prevent it from happening. It feels potentially avoidable.

Out of your control? Terror. Blind, helpless panic. Sleepless nights worrying nothing will work.

Even slightly in your control? Severe discomfort. Motivation to act. Long nights of hard work.

When you’re well and truly scared, it’s no fun at all. But at least now you can do something about it.

The close! And the pitch!

The reason I’m writing this today is that for some of you, the worst is happening. Right now. The wolf is at the door. In fact, there is no door. The wolf is inside. Eating you.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that you cannot run a business while being eaten by a wolf.

Our new class is called the Emergency Turnaround Clinic, and is for you if you are currently being eaten by a wolf, or you can see it happening in the very near future.

It’s still pay what you can, and you are still encouraged to pay what you actually can, even if it feels embarrassingly small. You don’t have to be embarrassed. I’m not doing this for the big payday. If you’ve got four bucks, send four bucks. Lots of other people are doing it. (Don’t believe me? Ask the ninjas for a PayPal screenshot. I’m not kidding. If you’re freaking out and feeling angst-y, we’ll take care of you.)

Pay what you can now, even if it’s four bucks. Then do what I tell you to do in the course and YOU MIGHT NEVER HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY AGAIN.

Doesn’t that sound nice?

Register here. It’s good stuff, love.

In this series, we’ve been addressing some of the more common roadblocks that stop potentially fabulous ittybiz owners from being, well, fabulous. Today we’re talking about a big one.

How to communicate with the people with the money in a way that does not turn you into:

a.) an irritating pest,
b.) a marketing skeezy pants, or
c.) someone they hear from so infrequently, they don’t remember your name.

I think we can both agree that those are bad things you do not want.

But! Problems! Danger!

If you avoid C, you might end up being A or B. Everyone will hate you and mark you as spam.

If you avoid A and B, you’ll probably end up being C. Everyone will forget you and mark you as spam.

Fun, right?

Hello, rock. And hard place! What a surprise! We really must stop meeting in such close quarters like this. People will talk.

OK. Let’s get on to the good stuff.

How often can I email my list?

You may email your list as often as you have something valuable to communicate to at least 20% of them.

So if you have 500 people on your list, and it’s not unreasonable to assume that 100 of those people will gain some potential value from hearing what you have to say today, feel free to email them. Even if you emailed them yesterday.

Now, if your potential financial payoff is particularly high and you can limit the irritating or skeezy quotient, you can email when you have something to say that would be potentially valuable to 5% of your list.

For example, if you are opening up private coaching and there’s a good chance you’ll make $10,000, annoy whoever you need to annoy. You’ve got ten grand worth of skin in the game.

But won’t they unsubscribe/unfollow/de-friend/shoot me?

Definitely. It’s part of the game. You really need to try and get over that. It’s hard as hell, I know, and you’ll never fully succeed. But you have to try.

Try to remember that people sign up for mailing lists or blog feeds or social media updates for some VERY bizarre reasons.

I received a nastygram from someone once who told me they were annoyed I kept selling things. They were only subscribed because they thought I might actually show screenshots of a topless Skype call.

I have heard from someone who was upset that I kept telling personal stories since they’d only subscribed so they could put me in their swipe file of subject lines to steal.

I have been told on more than one occasion that the only reason they signed up was because they were drunk and bored.

Weird, anomalous subscribers become weird, anomalous unsubscribers. IT’S FINE.

Your list is NOT a list of hot leads. Your list is a motley crew of random internet strangers, some of whom are hot leads. If non-hot leads unsubscribe, you MUST STOP CARING.

No, but seriously! Every time I mail, I get unsubscribes! Every time!

Yes. So do I. And it’s hard to click “send” when you know it’s going to make certain people click “spam”. I know that.

But let’s look at some math.

If you email 200 people and 4 of them unsubscribe, you lose 4 people.

If you DON’T email 200 people, you lose 200 people.

And the 196 people who LIKE hearing from you get totally screwed out of the kind of stuff they signed up for because you’re freaking out about the four.

That’s really dumb and you have to stop doing it.

OK, but how do I know what’s “potentially valuable”?

Well, think of the things you’re a relatively active fan of. What do YOU find valuable?

I’m subscribed to six blogs. One I read religiously. I click refresh to see if it’s come in yet. The second, I read maybe half the articles. The rest I read about one in five of their posts, generally based on the compellingness of the title, but sometimes if I’m trying to avoid work I’ll read all of them at one time, plus back posts.

(This means include links to your other, or recent content. I’m bored! Give me something fun to do!)

I probably open 3 out of 5 emails from Sunwing Vacations. They have sort of a “deals of the week” newsletter that they send out, and I read it more often than I don’t. (It should be noted that the last time Jamie and I took a vacation through Sunwing was when we went to Cuba two years ago. We’re still reading.)

Norwegian Cruise Lines sends me probably four emails a week and I at least glance at about half of them, even though their “sales” are hardly sales at all. (Norwegian: I adore you. More than you could possibly know. But onboard credit is not a sale, it’s a bonus. I like both, but one is not the other. A dog is not a cat, and you can’t say it’s a cat just because cats get a higher open rate. It’s cheating.)

I’ve emailed three times this week to say “No. Seriously. Pay What You Can means pay what you can. Send $7.24 if that’s what you can afford. That’s why I’m DOING this, for God’s sake.” I will keep sending that email until I am thoroughly convinced that everybody who needs to hear that has heard it. I don’t care how many unsubscribes I get. As long as I keep getting, “OMG, thank you thank you thank you” emails right after I mail, I’m going to keep mailing. End of story.

Given that the average launch gets 50-60% of its sales on the last day, and 50-60% of THAT in the last hour, I mail twice on the last day. So should you. You think everybody’s heard about it, and you may, theoretically, be right. (You’re not actually right, but you could be in theoretical alternate universe land.)

Just because they’ve heard about it doesn’t mean they haven’t forgotten about it. You know, maybe I’ll say that again in bold. Just because they’ve heard about it doesn’t mean they haven’t forgotten about it. People are busy. They don’t spend their entire day thinking about you and your fantastic offerings. You MUST tell them again. And again. And again.

OK, I get that I have to mail. But what should I say?

Start with the simplest possible version of the truth you can think of. Get fancier as you get better at it.

If you don’t know what to put in your subject line that’s introducing your new line of jewelry, start with “We’re introducing a new line of jewelry”.

As you get better, start throwing “limited edition” or “get it while it’s hot” or “sale ends Tuesday” in there.

For most people, that’s really all you need to do if the communication is primarily commercial.

If the communication is pure content, or more content than commerce, lead with the title. If your ittybiz is at the point where you already have serious fans, put the title in sentence case. It makes you look friendlier. (This means capitalize the first letter, but not the first letter of every word.)

If you don’t have serious fans yet and you’re still proving yourself, leave it in title case. It makes you look smarter. (This means capitalize the first letter of every word, or the major words.)

Don’t put “newsletter” in your subject line. It’s a waste of ten characters, eleven if you include a colon, or twelve if you include square brackets. That’s just wasteful. This also applies to your name or your business name, unless it’s contextually relevant and necessary. They know who’s sending the email. That’s what the Sender field is there for. (Example: “IttyBiz is having a sale!” is fine. “IttyBiz: How To Sell To Damn Near Anybody” is not.)

Whatever. I’m still freaked out and confused.

OK, if you take nothing else from this article, take this:

The purpose of your list is to give people who like you the opportunity to hear what you say and buy what you sell.

Therefore, you must say it. And sell it.

It’s like reruns. People will watch their favorite TV show every day of the week, no matter how many times they’ve seen the episode. And if they don’t watch it, they still want to know it’s on. They might want to watch it, and if it went away, they’d be sad.

Your job is to become their favorite TV show.

You’re not going to do that by airing an episode once every five months.

The truth is, if you email your list frequently, whether it’s once a week, twice a week, or hell, even five times a week, EVERYONE will unsubscribe except for the people who love what you say and what you sell.

But here’s the secret…

They’ll bring their friends.

My point here is not that you should overwhelm your list with emails, especially if you don’t have anything valuable to say. My point is that you should write to the people who love what you say and what you sell, and give them as much good stuff to love as you can.

That is the only sustainable way.

And… one more time with feeling!

We talk a LOT more about these tactics and how to implement them in the Emergency Turnaround Clinic. Did you hear? It’s pay what you can. [oh my god, she's winking again]

Seriously. Check it out. Good things happen when you click this link.

If people aren’t buying from you at the level you need them to, you may feel like you’re simply not good enough. That’s pretty unlikely (as we talked about yesterday in the Confessional).

What’s probably really happening – and pay close attention to this because it matters – is that you’re not doing enough to get your prospects comfortable enough to buy from you.  They see your website, they look at your promotional materials, and they just don’t give them that “I’m ready to buy” feeling.

Fortunately for you, my lovely, that’s completely fixable.  And that’s what we’re going to talk about today.  Let’s start getting your shit together.

Let’s talk about what your customers are really looking for when they come to you.

People come to your business because they want you to improve their quality of life.

Maybe you’re improving it by helping them gain a healthier relationship with food. Maybe you’re improving it by taking beautiful photographs of their babies. Maybe you’re improving it by giving them a nice, pretty necklace to wear. Whatever. They’re come to you for an improvement or an upgrade.

But what they’re looking for when they come to your business is a business that has its shit together.

They’re not looking for stunning web design.  They’re not looking for impressive credentials.  Sure, those may be really nice things that make them feel like you have magic powers, and they may help sway a buying decision.  But it doesn’t lay the foundation for a buying decision.

What does lay that foundation, and what makes them a hell of a lot more comfortable buying your jewelry or your life coaching or your photography, is that you have the markers of a competent, established business.  And these markers are what make them buy from you instead of saying “Hmm. Neat.” and wandering off to rustle up a latte.

In other words, these markers let them see that whatever it is you do, you do it all the time and you have a process for doing it that proves this.

When you have these markers of an established business, assumption of competency goes way up.  The cash register rings.  They get what they want.  Everyone wins.

Now let’s talk about what you need to do to make that happen.

Think about the purchases you make every day – online, in-person, over the phone, whatever.  Think of what you see that makes you feel like the people you are buying from well and truly have their shit together.

If it’s a retail location, maybe they have their hours clearly posted on the door.  Or their telephone number on their window so you can see it when you drive by.  Or even a clearly lit sign that says “Open.”  You know this business is ready to take your money and give you things you want.

If it’s online, maybe the top of the jewelery website says “Orders shipped in 48 hours.”  Maybe the photography site says “Check out our packages.” Maybe the coaching site has a big link that says “Click here to get started.”  You know these businesses are ready to take your money and give you the things you want.

You want to start developing an eye for this when you go out to shop or go online to look at things you want to buy.  Look for these markers that say “We do this every day.  We know how to get what you want into your hands, and our process is a well-oiled machine.”

The reason you want to do this, of course, is to make the machine that is your ittybiz a well-oiled one as well.

Here are some ideas to get you started.

Basically, your prospects are looking for two things – process and options.

Process is what makes established businesses seem so established. It basically means that it’s glaringly obvious how customers can do the things they need to do, like:

• Paying you!  Is it easy and simple for them to place their orders?  Do they have to search around for a way to give you money?  Is your shopping cart or PayPal account set up so that ordering from you is as easy as it would be from a bigger company?  (You know, the ones you already shop from?)
• Getting their stuff!  If you ship something physical, do they know how long it will take to get to them?  Do they know what the shipping costs will be?  Do they know what business name will appear on the package?
• Keeping in contact!  Is it easy for them to contact customer service?  To check on their order or service status?  (If it is, they’ll know that you have a process set up for this that they can trust even after their order).

Process is all about you.  It means that you make it easy for them to do the customer-y activities that customers do.  This shows you do it every day.

Note, however, that your process does not have to be perfect, it just has to be there.  It’s great if you can show shipping costs to the major countries you ship to, but if you can’t swing that you can always say “Call us for details at this number.”  It’s not perfect, but they know that they can at least get the information if they need it.

Same thing for customer service.  If you’re a tiny business who can only answer customer support via phone from 10am-1pm Monday and Friday, but you answer email each day, then you say that.  It’s not perfect, but they know there’s a process in place that they can depend on.

People will trust your process. They don’t much care what your process is. They just take comfort and security knowing you have one.

Options, though, are all about them. You want them to have appropriate options. (Note: that’s not necessarily LOTS of options. It’s the RIGHT options.) Setting up your options tends to be daunting, so you avoid committing to any. This is an area in which you have to fix the plane while it’s flying. My consulting page looks very different today than it did a year ago, and next year, it will be wildly different again. This is an organic process.

But that organic process needs to at least be in place now to help customers understand that you do the things you do often enough that it merits having options in the first place.  Options like:

• Delivery methods!  If you’re shipping things, offering overnight shipping, priority mail or standard mail as options says you have some customers that want their things fast.  If you offer gift wrapping, that says you have customers that buy your things as gifts.  If you have volume discounts, that says you can handle customers who want a lot of the things you sell.
• Different packages/products! If you offer coaching in single hour, four-hour and twelve-hour chunks, that says you have different types of clients who make good use of your time.  If you have targeted packages, like weight loss, nutrition and fitness coaching, that says that you can (and do) handle a variety of different things for your clients.
• Different payment options! If you take credit cards, PayPal or checks, it says that you’re serious about making sure your customers can pay you easily.  If you offer single-pay and payment plans, it shows you can accommodate customers with different cash flow situations.  The more options, the more together you show yourself to be.

You don’t have to have a million options for everything, but having options in general shows your prospects that you are similar to the established businesses they already trust and buy from on a daily basis.

That trust means that you’ll get more sales, because if you have your shit together before they’ve paid, it’s a sign that you’ll have your shit together after they’ve paid.

What to do next

Here’s what you can do to start adding the “established business” markers your customers are looking for.

Make a list of three markers you can work on in the coming weeks.  Use examples from above, or just keep your eyes open for markers in the businesses you already buy from.  If you look, you’ll find a few that make you say “I should be doing that.”  Put those three on your list.

(If you’re stuck here, upgrade your payment buttons. The default PayPal or E-Junkie ones look like e-commerce for kindergarteners. Yes, I know half of mine are like that. That’s why I’m fixing mine next. You should probably consider doing the same thing.)

These three things don’t have to be perfect – they just have to be better than they are now.  Remember, your ittybiz is a living organism.  Evolution does not come in dramatic bursts.  Just do a little change every week, and you’ll get there.

We’ll be covering this topic and more in the Emergency Turnaround Clinic …

If you haven’t heard of the Emergency Turnaround Clinic, here’s what you need to know:

• This is a 4-week class that’s for businesses that are hurting, and need to get money coming in fast.
• Since we know that you’re hurting, the class is pay-what-you-can.
  (Seriously. If you only have $6.23 in your PayPal account, don’t think “I couldn’t pay that little – that’s not nice.” Plenty of people have paid what they found in the cushions of their couch, and that’s kind of the point.  If you need this class, you’re in good company.)
• You can get all the details about the Emergency Turnaround Clinic here. We hope to see you there.

Every week, we get letters from readers about problems they can’t tell anyone else about.  We’re answering these in the IttyBiz Confessional column on Wednesdays.

Dear Naomi,

I’m scared.  I’ve been trying to build my freelancing business for about a year and a half now, and I’m intimidated by the competition.  They all seem to be larger than life and doing these amazing things, and when I look in my inbox, twitter and facebook all I see is products and events and such that are way bigger than anything I think I can ever do.

When it comes to the “awesome” factor that I keep hearing is so critical, I’m pretty boring.  I don’t have the money for flashy web design, and I don’t have the resources to be all over social media getting constant attention and promotion from other people in my niche.  I’m good at what I do but I’m not an exhibitionist at heart.  I just can’t seem to bring myself to do all the things everyone else is doing to get attention.

I’m not Gary V.  I’m not a rockstar.  I’m not famous, and I’m not a “brand.”  I’m just a graphic designer who does good work for good clients and I could sure use a lot more of them.  I just can’t put myself on stage and yell “look at me” like so many others do to get them, though. (Not that my stage is very big anyway, with my 153 Twitter followers!)

I keep hearing that I need to be awesome to get attention in my crowded market, and I’m scared I won’t be able to keep up.  I’m scared I’ll never be awesome.  What do I do?

* Edited to remove identifying details

Honey, I hear you.  These days you can’t move for “awesome.”  Every few years some catchword makes its way into the business lexicon, and people go off the deep end trying to play it out to the maximum expression.  First you had to be “transparent” on your blog.  Then you had to start “engaging the customer” on social media.  Now, it seems to be “awesome.”

(“Excited” seems to be back in vogue now, as well. I toyed around with the idea of creating a drinking game for every time I heard “I’m so excited” used to describe a new product or service on social media, but I realized that the there wasn’t enough gin in the world for that one.)

But back to you.  When you don’t feel awesome in an awesome world, the future can seem kind of scary.  Let’s talk about making that scary go away and getting some more clients in the door.

First of all, “awesome” is not the primary thing paying customers look for, period.

Think like a client. We’ll call him Julian.

Julian has a problem.  He wants something to be done for him, say, his books.  Julian is looking for an accountant.  So he does a quick search for “accountants in Des Moines” and comes up with 56 different accountants.

He starts looking at a few of their websites (and quite frankly, they’re a little bit boring), but he sees the words he needs on one of them: “10 years experience” and “we’ll come to you”.

Julian calls up the accountant, likes what he hears, and hires her.  A check for $1,000 is sent off.  Julian is happy.  The CPA is happy.  End of story.

Jennifer also has a problem.  She wants an accountant, but she only wants “the best.”  She wants an accountant that’s cool. She lives across town from Julian, so when she does the same search for accountants, she sees the same results – but she’s looking for a rockstar accountant to impress her friends with (because Jennifer always hires “the best.”).

She looks for the flashiest website she can find, which naturally, features an accounting firm with all of the “awesome” you can eat.  This firm hosts CPA conferences and events, has won 20 awards and has personally sent a manned space mission to the moon (and written the whole damned thing off, to boot).  Their CEO has a best-selling book, “By The Numbers,” and has been featured on Oprah at least once a year.  This is the rockstar accountant to end all rockstar accountants. Who knew Des Moines was so hip?

Jennifer hires the Awesome Accounting Firm and sends off a check for $8,000.  Jennifer is happy.  The CEO is pretty damned happy himself.

That’s the kind of story that makes you think you need to “crank up the awesomesauce” all the way to 11.  And sure, you can do that, but you need to remember something very, very important.

For every Jennifer out there, there are about 50 to 100 Julians.  You may wear yourself out and go broke fighting for the Jennifers, but going after the Julians will keep you in house and home a lot more easily.

Don’t forget this.  You don’t have to be awesome to be competitive.  There’s plenty of money out there for people who provide non-awesome products and services.

Stop thinking awesome, and start thinking hireable.  Think like a client.  They want the job done a hell of a lot more than they want you to be awesome.

Next: Don’t assume clients want to pay for “awesome.”

I want you to go through the next few weeks taking a look at your buying decisions and the companies you buy from.  Chances are, you’re not as swayed by the “wow” factor or the “buy only the best” attitude when it comes to what you buy.

When you get an oil change, are you going to the swankiest car shop in town to get their Platinum Premium Package (where every service is personally performed by the Royal Couple in 30 minutes or less)?  Or do you go to a “good” place that does the things you want them to do at a decent price?

When you go out to dinner and order a bottle of wine, do you automatically look for the coolest, trendiest vintage? Do you drop $400 on a bottle of Veuve Cliquot Demi-Sec served by a caravan of nymphs?  Or do you say, “Let’s find a nice Pinot somewhere around $40.  I like that kind of thing.”

You don’t require the best of the best in everything.  You don’t even want the best of everything.  Jesus himself could be offering miracle 30-second oil changes at the corner garage, and you don’t care.

Like most of your customers, you’re thinking of two things, and two things only:

• You want to find someone who can get the damned job done well.
• You want that person to fit your budget.

End of story.

It’s easy to assume that customers are looking for the best of the best – and some will – but the truth is the vast majority of your customers are thinking only of the thing they want to happen and their budget.  Because of that, they’re not looking for someone “awesome,” they’re looking for someone competent.  Someone who they can trust to get the job done.

You don’t have to show the world you’re awesome to get more clients.  You just have to show them you’re good at what you do, and that you have an easily discernible price range.  You don’t have to be flashy.  You have to be real.

Take a look at your website, your promotional materials, and all such client-facing stuff, and put yourself in your client’s shoes.  What do they need to see in them to feel like you can get the job done?  What do they need to see to communicate your price effectively? Make sure that stuff is easy to find, and more customers will find you.

(Don’t let this overwhelm you. Pick one change you can make this week and do that. You know what you should be doing. Just do it and try to stop hyperventilating. Every bite counts.)

Sure, you won’t get the Jennifers if you’re not a rockstar.  But her absence will make room for all those Julians, even if you don’t live in Des Moines.

And speaking of not awesome…

If the wolf is at the door and your business isn’t exactly doing what you want it to be doing, go sign up for our Emergency Turnaround Clinic. It’s a clinic. For emergencies. And turning things around. It makes no claims of being awesome. It might, however, allow you to keep your house. It’s also on Sliding Scale Pricing (also known as Pay What You Can), which I guess is kind of awesome.

John’s getting about as much sleep as he is new money – not much. The fear of where “new money” is going to come from is driving him crazy. His business isn’t in outright free-fall – it’s a good business, it’s bringing in decent money – it’s just not bringing in enough. And the stress is killing him.  He needs something to change, and change fast.

And that’s what we’re going to talk about today.

The fastest way to bring in more money via your business is to stop leaving it on the table.

Yes, we’re going to talk about “the table.”  The one that everybody and their mother is leaving money on.

This table is full of customers who want to buy something – and are ready to buy right now – but they can’t find what they need.  This table is full of clients who got good service from a business, still need a little bit more, but keep forgetting to get around to it.  This table is full of people who read your website regularly, find your content interesting, but don’t see something compelling enough to merit joining your list for.

These customers, clients and people have money to spend. (If you need confirmation of this, please get in your car, go to the mall, and stand outside the AT&T store for a while. Notice how few of the people whipping out their Visas for brand new iPhones to replace their perfectly good existing iPhones appear to be starving to death.)

• When they open their mail and find a coupon for that restaurant they like, they say “Oh, I’ve been meaning to go there again.  I think I’ll do that tonight since it’s 10% off.”  (They’re not being “hit over the head” by the ad.  They’ve been thinking about that 12-ounce ribeye.)
• When they get an email from their coach or service provider asking if they want to purchase more services, they say “Dude, I’ve been meaning to get around to that – I’ll do it now.” (They’re not feeling harassed by the provider, they’re happy for the reminder.)
• When they visit a website regularly and see a clearly compelling reason to get on a list they say “Yes, that’s what I’m looking for.”  (Sometimes they didn’t even know they were looking for it, either, but it looks like the content could solve one of their persistent problems.)

The point here is that “new money” doesn’t have to come from new people.

When you need to start making more money, you have two options:

• Do a bunch of stuff – probably resource prohibitive stuff – to get new people in the door, or
• Start making the most of the people and resources you already have.

 Time for a tasty example!

You run an ittybiz.  But imagine for a moment you didn’t.  Imagine you ran a decent-sized retail location, smack in the middle of a lively little suburban mall. Let’s say you run a shoe store.

Despite the considerable amount of retail space you have at your disposal, your store contains three small tables full of shoes in the back left corner and a six-inch by six-inch sign on the window. Occasionally people buy your shoes, but you and I both know you’re selling them in spite of yourself.

Now, if you would like to increase revenue, do you think the most resource efficient way to do that is spend six months answering shoe related questions on Twitter?

To buy ads?

To pay an SEO consultant?

To work really hard on getting your Google Places page just right?

To tweak your Facebook fan page? (Too bad you haven’t gotten around to putting that Facebook fan page on your six-inch sign yet.)

Or do you think maybe you should just put some goddamn shoes in the window and buy a big sign that says “We Sell Shoes”?

After you did that, you could write – (Personally! Stop relying on Aweber to do your dirty work! There is much to be learned about your customers by copy-and-pasting by hand!) – to your 86 newsletter subscribers and invite each one, and up to two guests each, to a Cupcakes and Stilettos party where there will be music and confections and the opportunity to hang out with your fellow shoe lovers.

And when they and their charming guests were at your Cupcakes and Stilettos party, you could have something wonderful to send the guests by email, and you could have a Real Live Human Being use a Real Pen With Actual Ink to write down their email address on Honest To God Paper That Was At One Time A Tree.

Congratulations, you now have 124 people on your newsletter, and within 24 hours, they’re all going to have some darling incentive in their inbox to come back and buy shoes.

In the meantime, when other people wander down to your neck of the mall, they will see your new sign, as well as indicators that you actually have shoes for sale. They will, perhaps, purchase shoes. You will, at that time, invite them – actually invite them, not have a clipboard with a chewed-on pen attached hanging around the checkout area – to join your newsletter to find out about events like your Cupcakes and Stilettos parties.

Then you will email your list of now 209 people to stop by your Facebook page to see your compilation of the top 10 music videos with stilettos in them. While they’re there, they can Like your page and get exclusive Facebook fan offers.

Some of them WILL click Like, and their friends will see it. Some of their friends will stop by, where they, too, will be given the opportunity to get on your newsletter.

And the cycle continues.

To make money in a turnaround situation, there are only four activities you can afford to be engaged in at any given time.

1. You can be selling something.
2. You can be providing the things that you have already sold.
3. You can be promoting things that you have for sale.
4. You can be creating something that will soon be available for sale.

Given that your business sucks right now, you’re unlikely to be engaged in the first or second categories for any prolonged period of time.

It’s time to work on the other two.

Money makes you crazy? This is how you stop the crazy.

In turnaround, the only thing that matters is money. More money, less crazy, more happy, less working at Starbucks.

You now have two choices.

Option one: Go figure out how to make some money.

Option two: If you can’t figure that out right now, register for our Emergency Turnaround Clinic. We will teach you. We will also let you set your own price in case the money situation is very dire indeed.

Now. Go do one of those things.

It’s a special clinic for rushes, turnaround situations, emergencies and near-emergencies called… wait for it!… The Emergency Turnaround Clinic. (In more corporate-sized businesses, a turnaround expert or consultant is someone you call in when a situation becomes dire and outside of normal Business As Usual. They show up, get you profitable, and leave.)

The clinic is for you if you’re in one (or, let’s face it, more than one) of the following situations:

• You’re screwed.
• You’re stagnant, and soon to be screwed.
• You don’t just hate your day job, you HATE your day job. You need traction NOW.

When we realized how enormously popular our Turnaround Consulting Package was becoming, we wanted to make a version you could use at home.

Like its older cousin, the Emergency Turnaround Clinic is a bit pricey. Unlike its cousin, it’s priced with sliding scale tuition — and you get to slide the scale.

Maybe read that last bit again.

The Emergency Turnaround clinic supports you in gently but ruthlessly attacking the five core issues you face when trying to get traction in a hurry.

As usual, we’ll spend the next several days talking about the issues the clinic addresses to get you warmed up, taking some action, and (naturally) reminding you how much you like us and enjoy taking our training. [there's that wink again]

Tomorrow, we’re going to talk about money and how to get a handle on things, IttyBiz style. (Warn your spouse. You might just get a peaceful night’s sleep tomorrow night. Who knew?)

Wednesday, we’re tackling a Confessional question, helping a very frightened ittybiz owner find out if she’ll ever be “awesome” enough, and figuring out how to move forward when feeling decidedly unawesome indeed.

Thursday, we’re delving into seeing what your prospect sees, and customizing a plan for your ittybiz to make what they see a whole lot nicer to look at. [like you. you're nice to look at. wink wink.*]

Friday, we’re talking about how often (and how) you can communicate with your buyers and network in a way that maximizes revenue but minimizes looking (or feeling) like a sleaze.

And Monday we’re going to talk about how to stop feeling so goddamn scared all the time.

Emergency Turnaround Clinic registration is open now.

More details are on the Emergency Turnaround Clinic page, as well as an explanation of sliding scale pricing.

We want this training to be available to anybody who’s ready to learn, regardless of their available resources. If you’re ready, we’re here for you. And if you have any colleagues or friends who would benefit from this clinic, I would love it if you would pass this on to them with my gratitude.

I hope you love this clinic. I sure loved making it.

*[note to self: must stop winking so much. starting to get funny looks.]

Dear Naomi,

“A while back, I started using social media – Twitter, Facebook, a little bit of LinkedIn. Everybody told me it was really good for building a fan base, building loyalty, and getting traffic. The problem is, I’m spending a lot of time on it, and not getting a lot of results.

I’m surrounded by people who don’t seem to do anything but promote themselves and make inside jokes. It’s not that fun anymore but I’m scared that if I back out I’m going to get a lot of backlash from people thinking I’m too good for them.

The truth is, I’m starting to think I AM too good for them. The support network used to be really nice, but it’s changed. It feels like chatter, and I’m really not getting anything out of it anymore.

Everybody’s talking about how important it is to stay social, and I’ve seen what can happen to other people when they cut back their social media presence. (Naomi’s note: Here, the writer referred back to a series of tweets by a person in my social circle who harshly – and obviously, publicly – criticized one of my colleagues and me for not spending so much time on Twitter anymore.)

My social media activity IS getting me a few leads, but all the people talking to me or about me are people in my industry. I guess them linking to me or saying nice things about me theoretically gets the word out about me to THEIR fan bases, but I’m beginning to wonder if that’s really true.

It’s not like I think I’m a better person, but maybe I might have more important things to be doing with my time. It’s not that I don’t like these people, but I’m starting to think we’re spending far too much time doing something that isn’t helping our ittybiz, and it’s starting to feel irresponsible. I don’t want to stay in that trap.

How do I back out without the backlash?”

* Edited to remove identifying details

If I had a nickel for every time somebody privately asked me a question like this, consulting would be free.

Standard capitalist theory suggests that in business, the people you are supposed to focus on are your customers and clients. (Also, your shareholders. In your case, in case you forgot, your shareholder is you.) Social media theory says that since the whole world is your potential customer or client, you should just be social instead. Go “be your awesome self” in public and the rest will fall into place, so the thinking seems to go.

You did it. It was okay for a while.

But now you’re noticing that your social media return on investment is getting low enough that you can’t ignore it anymore. All your gurus are telling you that social media is even more Super Awesome than it ever was, but it’s not working. I mean, it’s working, kind of. But it’s not working.

Not like they say it does. Not like it used to.

But if you bail, you’re going to look like you’re not a team player. You’re going to look like you’re abandoning the people who got you here. You’re going to look too big for your britches.

You have a business to run, but you don’t want to desert your “friends”.

That’s understandable. Your peers were your support network getting to this point. They helped you through some tough times. They gave you someone to talk to on those nights when you’re so excited about business that you’re bursting, but your spouse gives you blank (or disgusted) looks whenever you bring it up.

First, please know that you’re probably doing the right thing by quitting.

I say this not because I think social media is a total waste of time – I don’t think that, at least not every day – but because historically, not following your gut because you don’t want to make someone mad at you is generally a very bad idea.

Think you’re too young to be having sex? What’s your problem? You think you’re too good for it?

Rather study than sit around getting stoned all the time? Don’t be a prude! It’ll all work out!

Serious doubts about marrying that guy? Do it anyway! Your brother flew in all the way from Wisconsin for the ceremony!

Second, if you decide to quit, it’s going to feel really icky.

There’s really no way around that. Social media may have been a part of your life for a long time now, and a big part, too. You’re getting rid of a multiple-times-a-day habit, AND a hangout, AND a social group, all at the same time.

It is going to suck. You’re going to wonder what the hell to do with your days. You’re going to think in tweets and Facebook updates for at least a month, probably longer, although it will start to dwindle. For the first while, you’ll spend huge chunks of every day thinking of something that would be FANTASTIC to tweet.

It will end. Take the time between now and then to catch up on some lost sleep. Detox goes faster when you’re unconscious.

As for what to actually do to get out of your oh-so-social bankruptcy-in-progress, you’ve got two options.

Option One: Go cold turkey.

If you want to quit, you can quit. There’s no law in any land that forces you to be on Twitter any longer than you want to be. Some people may bitch about it, yes, but they are not your friends, and they never were. Friends say they miss you – they don’t publicly criticize you for not being around to hang out.

True, a decreased presence in social media can impact how much your “friends” tweet or like or whatever your content, your services, or your products. That can seem a little scary. But check your stats. Even with a lot of social media promotion, you’re probably not getting THAT much more traffic.

(I have 10,000 Twitter followers. When I post something to Twitter, I average around 50 retweets and 30 clicks. More people are retweeting it than are actually reading it. Hmm.)

So if you want to get out now, by all means, get out now. You won’t die.

Option Two: Slowly creep towards the door and hope nobody notices.

The alternative is to slowly ease your way out. If you don’t outright hate what social media has become and your husband hasn’t already joined a Twitter Widower support group (they have t-shirts!) this isn’t a bad option. You probably won’t get yelled at, which is nice.

In this scenario, you pick two or three times a day – pick them ahead of time and don’t leave it to chance! – to log onto your social media website(s) of choice with a decided amount of time to be there. Instead of simply hanging out and seeing what happens, you consciously and deliberately engage with a few people who are important to you, ideally only commenting on conversations that took place at least an hour before.

It doesn’t matter what you say. It can be lame. You’re not trying to impress anybody. You’re just showing your face.

Your friends see that you’ve been around, but they see your responses coming well after the initial conversations took place. You get credit for being there, without actually having to be there.

Soon enough, nobody expects you to reply in real time anymore.

One caveat? While you’re in there?

DO NOT CLICK ON ANYTHING. You’re trying to prove you were there. Clicking on a link does not prove you were there. The objective here is get the hell out of social media without hurting anybody’s feelings, not to be entertained. If you’re going to waste time, at least make it count.

Get in, get out, don’t get distracted.

You can completely ease out over the course of several weeks, or you could stay at this level for the rest of your life. The attachment is broken, and your peak productive time is never interrupted by “just checking real quick” again.

The one thing to never, ever do. Ever.

One thing NOT to do. Do not, ever, under any circumstances, come out and say what you’re doing. Do not go onto Facebook and say you’re spending less time on Facebook. Do not do this. I cannot emphasize this enough.

If you do this, two things are going to happen, and they’re both really bad.

One, no matter how politely you tell people that you’re reprioritizing your time, a certain number of them will take it personally. They’ll either think you don’t want to hang out with them anymore, or they’ll think you’re casting judgment on how they spend THEIR time. You’re trying NOT to hurt people’s feelings, remember?

Two, you’re drawing attention to yourself for no good reason. It’s a bit like people who don’t blog for a while and then write a post about how they haven’t blogged for a while. A small percentage of their readers notice and care. The rest are only reminded of how little they noticed or cared.

Stay tuned!

Next week in the IttyBiz Confessional: “I’m scared I’ll never be awesome.”

In Classic mode, your goal is simply to survive. If you let three pieces of fruit fall without slashing them, or you accidentally hit a flying bomb, you lose. Completely.

To meet the objective of Classic mode, you must play a very conservative game. Don’t get fancy. Don’t drop fruit. Don’t hit bombs. But if you find yourself in an untenable situation and are forced to choose, drop fruit, because you get three strikes with that. One bomb and you’re done.

Don’t start messing around trying to get combos or pretty stuff because they don’t matter. Survival is the only objective. Everything else is a distraction.

In Arcade mode, you can’t lose. You get the cool bonus bananas, and you can make neat combos and stuff. If you hit a bomb, you lose ten points, but it’s not the end of the game. (In fact, if you hit two bombs, you can turn it around to your advantage by deliberately hitting a third, which scores you 50 extra points with the Bomb Lover bonus.)

The objective in Arcade mode is to get as many fancy combos as you can, in as close succession as you can, because the bonus points start to “stack”. It’s almost logarithmic – the better you do, the bigger your bonuses get. Drop fruit as much as you like, try to avoid bombs if you can, but the real objective here is the sexy combos and the bonus bananas.

Don’t get in a panic trying to catch all the fruit. It’s a distraction. A decoy.

The way you play the game is different depending on your objective.

Sometimes, you have to meet Goal A, no matter what. Failing to meet A equals failing outright.

Sometimes A and B.

Sometimes A through E.

Sometimes you’d really like to achieve A through E, but if you had to give up on D, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Sometimes the only one you NEED to accomplish is A, but you’d like to do your damnedest to get B, C, D and E too.

Sometimes you have to accomplish A through E, but C and D are a secret.

Different objectives, different rules.

Imagine you have a small but friendly and loyal client list. You wake up on a Monday morning and say to yourself, “Self, I really must get more clients.”

Well, that’s goal A. Getting more clients.

The simplest way to accomplish this is to bribe new people to hire you. Give them some kind of outrageous discount and make the biggest, unholiest fuss your resources will allow. Excellent.

Except that might be kind of a slap in the face to your current clients, yes?

Well, hello there, Goal B. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Welcome!

You want new clients, and you don’t want to look like a meanie to your existing clients.

Also if you discount outrageously, you’ll probably get too many clients and you don’t want to get burned out.

Goal C! So nice of you to stop by! Come on in, there’s a box of wine on top of the fridge.

You want new clients, you don’t want to be a meanie to your existing clients, and you don’t want to burn out.

And now that you think about it, you realize that taking on a bunch of clients who are shopping for discounts is really not the kind of joint you want to run.

Well, then. Somebody get the door, Goal D is here. This is turning into quite the little soirée, is it not?

Although, when you get right down to it, you’d really rather not work every hour God sends, but Samantha is getting married — she means it this time — and internationally acclaimed harpists don’t pay for themselves. You could burn out for a while if you had to.

Therefore, we determine:

You need new clients,
You can’t piss off your existing clients,
You don’t want discount shoppers,
And you’d rather not work your tits off, but you could if you had to.

Oh, and you can’t work past 4 on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, because that’s when you visit your dad in the hospital.

(And you can’t make too big of a fuss of anything because your mother reads your newsletters, and every time you open up for new clients, she’s convinced you’re broke and harasses you for weeks. You never should have left HR, and you shouldn’t have married your first husband, and you really must do something about the garden. What must the neighbors think?)

Now we’re talking.

The way you play the game is determined EXCLUSIVELY by your objectives.

Everything else is a distraction.

If you want more people coming via search, you don’t give a damn how many retweets or comments or “likes” your article gets. Distraction.

If you want more fan engagement, you don’t care about SEO. Distraction.

If you want more fan engagement AND more search engine traffic, stop trying to schmooze with A Listers. Distraction.

If you need ten grand by Friday or they take the house, now is not the time to start getting precious about what your peers might think of your marketing tactics. Your fellow fine art grads can call you a sell-out until they’re blue in the face. You have a house to save.

If you want ten grand by the 15th, but you could live with $4500, and you just had a big promotion and your list is getting really burnt out, today is not the day for a fire sale. I don’t care how much money your Facebook buddy made with her Pay What You Can, don’t do it. Privately offer upgrades to some existing clients and customers, and have a gentle, quiet plan B for if they don’t buy.

If more money would be nice but you’re planning a huge launch in the fall, lay low and build trust. Send a few low key emails offering something you never intend for anyone to actually buy so your people are gently reminded that you are running a commercial enterprise and they won’t balk when you sell something later. No money gets made, but that wasn’t the point.

People will try to sell you products that meet objectives you don’t have.

People will try to convince you that meeting this or that or the other objective is all the rage and the cure for all that ails you.

Figure out your own objectives. Screw everybody else.

Normally we tell you how to sell to these people and, for the purposes of this (still free!) course, how to upsell, upgrade, and cross-sell to them.

But in Vera’s case, that is the absolute worst thing you can do. Ever.

Vera has a dysfunctional relationship with commerce.

She buys – oh, yes, she buys – but she’s really, really screwed up about it.

Vera feels she has no power. She almost definitely hates her job – she feels it’s beneath her – and the same probably applies to her spouse. Young Veras tend to be furious that their university education didn’t get them the job of their dreams. (Either that or everything would have been rosy if they’d been able to get into the university they SHOULD have gotten into, or they’d gotten that job they SHOULD have got, or… you get the idea.) Older Veras feel disrespected that their tenure or experience are overlooked.

She believes that once a commercial transaction takes place, your relationship becomes personal, and that she wears the pants.

Vera feels marginalized in her daily life, and money buys her power. You HAVE to listen to her because she gave you money. Let me be the first to tell you, honey… hell no, you don’t.

(Note: She probably won’t ask for a refund, at least not right off the bat. She wants to lecture you for a while first. This gives her a tremendous feeling of power, of being listened to. She feels she has a captive audience with you. If she were to ask for her money back right away, she wouldn’t really be able to yell at you anymore, and we can’t have that, now, can we?)

She is angry, bitter, and in pain. She feels owed in some way. She does not believe everyone is out to get her. She believes YOU are out to get her. Either that, or everyone is out to get everyone.

Vera tends to get really mad about advertising. She feels it’s all a scam. If a store she doesn’t shop at – probably one she feels she can’t justify shopping at – is having a sale, she decides marketing is evil. If her favorite store is having a sale, she’ll stock up and brag about the great deals she got.

You’ll hear her say, “You’re only paying for the name” a lot. Only about the names she doesn’t want to pay for, mind you. She’ll rage at you for buying a Mac because you’re only paying for the name, and then she’ll promptly go to Sandals on her honeymoon because it’s better.

All this cognitive dissonance makes her a little crazy, and she handles her hypocritical inner discord by lashing out. Probably at you.

Vera is hoping for a Messiah, someone she can really believe in. As such, she can be loyal to the point of a weird kind of codependency, which is one of the most dangerous and insidious aspects of a commercial relationship with her. You may not find out you have a Vera on your hands until her fifth purchase, when you inadvertently offend her and she unleashes.

When you have a once-loyal Vera on your hands, she’s not only bitter, she feels betrayed. Not fun.

Once-loyal Veras tend to come out and show their true colors when they’ve decided you’re one of the good guys and spend a lot of money with you. They’ve been going along happily buying your lower level products, and then decide it’s safe to splurge on something big. They realize that doesn’t buy them utopia and they blame you. Ouch.

The upside of Vera is the same as the downside – she is so impossibly angry and unreasonable all the time, she will eventually find someone she hates more than she hates you. Until that day, here’s what to do.

What To Do About Vera:

1. Put a note on every flat surface you can find that reads: “THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!”

The first thing you have to understand is that IT’S NOT YOU. Vera is like that whackjob ex-boyfriend you dated when you were 21. (Hi, Kevin!) Somehow, you done got yourself convinced that you were the crazy one.

You are not the crazy one.

Normal, rational people handle things in normal, rational ways. That’s all there is to it. If someone is dealing with you in a non-normal, non-rational way, you can deduce that they are non-normal and non-rational.

If they look like a duck, they’re a duck. If they look like a cat, they’re a cat. And if they look like a psycho, they’re a psycho.

Trust yourself. If every complaint you’ve ever got isn’t like this one, the common denominator is her, not you.

2. Stop trying to please her. It ain’t gonna work.

Just stop. You’re a nice person, and generally reasonable, yes? Well, acting nice and reasonable will not help you here. Following the rules of engagement doesn’t work when someone is committing acts of guerrilla warfare. Telling yourself that if you just do X or Y or Z, you might be able to achieve some kind of peaceful resolution is a waste of the perfectly good breath you could be using to say, “Barkeep! More wine, please!”

Stop. Trying. To. Please. This. Person.

If your spouse or business partner disagrees, please send them to me. I have much to say on this topic.

3. Get her off your email list. Now.

Next up, do everything in your power to make her forget you ever existed. This will silently encourage her to channel her wrath in some other poor sucker’s direction. It’s kind of like blocking someone from seeing your Facebook updates. If they don’t see you posting the pictures of your cat being adorable, they’re a lot less likely to harass you and call you a crazy cat lady.

If you use Aweber, manually unsubscribe her from everything. If you’re using newsletter software other than Aweber, there’s usually a way to unsubscribe her yourself. A lot of shopping cart software services will let you block certain purchasers by email address, as well.

Go to the help section of your newsletter or shopping cart software – today, BEFORE you need it – and find out if yours will let you do this, and how. If you can’t find it easily, get in touch with their support department. Do everything you can do to make sure you never inadvertently contact this woman again.

(I don’t know if you can manually unsubscribe a blog reader through Feedburner, but it’s worth finding out. If you know, shoot us an email and we’ll update the article.)

This is not a perfect solution, but it’s a hell of a start.

4. Consider giving a refund, even if she doesn’t ask.

Remember, redemption is either impossible, undesirable, or both. If you have admin staff, you’re paying them to pacify somebody who will not be pacified, and by making them deal with her, you’re ruining their day, over and over, for no good reason. If you do your own admin, it’s even worse. You’re trying to be nice to, and reason with, an attacker who’s out for blood.

Screw that.

As previously stated, Vera thinks she has power over you because she has given you money. If you can nullify the financial transaction before she even asks, you may be able to nullify your relationship on your own terms.

Consider sending her money back with a note that says you’re sorry she wasn’t happy with the product or service, and here’s her money back. That can take a lot of the wind out of her sails. (Note: If you do this, you MUST make the note short to the point of terseness, with NO indication that a future relationship exists. No “if there’s anything else I can do, please let me know” at the end. I’m sorry you weren’t happy. Here’s your money. End of story.)

She will generally send some kind of communication after this happens. She may bite your head off and tell you that she didn’t want her money back, she wanted you to give her what she paid for. She may act confused and tell you she never asked for her money back. She may become very contrite, because you sending the money back made her realize what a lunatic she was being.

No matter what she does, it’s no longer your problem, as you no longer have a relationship with her. Put her in your Customers From Hell folder and get on with running your company.

5. Tell your friends.

If you’re in a sphere that shares a lot of the same customers – bloggier-than-thou social media addicts, I’m looking at you – share notes! Warn your fellow ittybiz owners – privately, of course – of the Veras in your midst. Give them a heads up.

I cannot count the number of times I’ve heard some client from hell story that sounded so spookily familiar to me that I had to ask for names. Turns out, it’s the same client that made Julie’s or Angela’s or Mary’s life a living hell eight months ago.

Spread the word so that other ittybiz owners won’t be blindsided by it like you were. Then they’ll tell you their stories and you might not be so blindsided by it next time yourself.

Ahh, community. It warmifies my jaded little heart.

What next?

This concludes the first section of Same People, More Money. Over the next many weeks, we’re going to be releasing the remainder of the course right here on the blog, interspersed with some other stuff so you don’t hang yourself from the boredom. If you’re not already subscribed to the blog, you can do so here.

In other news, the “newsletter” we’ve been talking about for, oh, four years now, is launching tomorrow.

I know, right?

If you don’t know if you’re on the list, here’s a box for you to put your name in.

(If you think you might be on the list but you’re not sure, put your name in the box anyway. If you’re already on the list, it’ll say, “dude, you’re already on the list” and everything will be fine. And if you’re reading this via feed and you don’t see a box, click this link right here. A box will arrive through the magic of the internets.)

Name:

Email:

Now I will go and eat turkey because that’s what we do in Canada when it’s 82 degrees outside.

What is Daniel Like?

Daniel generally has a personality type that borders on depressive. He is Eeyore and he knows it, and though he hates that attitude in himself, being Eeyore, he feels like it’s pretty much out of his control.

Financially, his money is not out of control, but he feels like the power over how much money he has (or will get) is completely out of his control. He is convinced that he has no money, regardless of how much he actually has. His house is very likely a mess, and he is almost definitely overweight.

At any given time, he’s pretty sure things will go badly for him. (He will always have one area of life, maybe two, where this doesn’t apply, but it is unknowable and unpredictable from the outside.) Success terrifies him and he will do anything he can to avoid it.

He will spend a lot to do something right, although it is virtually impossible to predict what “right” means to him or under what circumstances this applies. He is capable of brand loyalty, and is actually primed to be the most loyal type of buyer if he ever gets around to making a purchase, which is unlikely. He is the mopey, initially reluctant Apple fanboy.

Daniel almost never lets himself experience hope – he’s afraid of it – which means whenever he DOES feel hope, it’s a full body experience, a rush of idealism and a near psychotic excitement, loyalty and joy.

Daniel enjoys shopping to a degree – especially if it’s for someone else – but doesn’t feel like money is his to spend on himself (more on that later). He carries a great deal of guilt into the buying process because of his pessimism and fear of the future, and anything that smacks of uncertainty, risk, or surprise tends to send him running.

Daniel doesn’t like surprises. He will buy more at once to avoid coming back later, if the purchase feels right for him, because that saves him from having to spend again later. He harbors so much resistance to purchasing things that he will eventually go on near manic spending sprees after months of denying himself. He will basically snap and binge.

Basically, Daniel feels guilty about spending money, period. He’s somewhat of a martyr when it comes to spending money on himself because he feels guilty that he’s not spending it on other people. He does not buy things for himself as a rule, and he probably blames someone else for that situation. The bulk of his money tends to get diverted to children, a spouse or sometimes a parent.

He often thinks of how much of a relief it would be to have significantly more money, because then he wouldn’t have to justify purchases, worry that he was spending on the wrong things, or see opportunities for a great deal pass him by. (Of course, having more money will not make a blind bit of difference after the initial rush wears off, but that’s pretty much true for everybody.)

Daniel doesn’t love to shop like Carol does, but he still shops, and there are still places where upsells, cross-sells and upgrades can work for him. Let’s discuss.

How Daniel Reacts To An Offer

On any given day, Daniel is about 20% likely to respond to an upgrade or an upsell. (Amy was around 80%, Bob was around 60%, and Carol is around 40%.) So compared to the other archetypes, he’s in the lowest percentage of likelihood.

The key to selling to Daniel lies in understanding what’s going through his mind during a purchase and how that affect his willingness to buy more.

For Daniel, his key spending patterns are related to purchases for others and his personal hobbies.

When it comes to making purchases for other people, he is likely to spend very freely, sparing no expense. He feels guilty about spending money on himself, but at the same time he feels guilty about not spending enough on people he feels a level of responsibility towards.

If he’s buying school pictures for his kids, he will almost always buy at a higher level than the minimum (though he’ll likely choose the lowest price “upgrade” package). If he’s buying gifts for relatives or friends, the final total at checkout will be high. And if there’s any way he can score a great deal, he will be over the moon about it, because he will be tallying up the “ordinary,” non-sale price and feel like he’s doing right by other people.

If you’re personally selling to a Daniel who is buying for others, be gentle. You are almost guaranteed more sales, but don’t be pushy or try to take advantage of him or he’ll abandon the transaction completely. Give him exceptionally good offers he can feel good about, and don’t add any pressure.

Daniel will also spend on hobbies, and tends to be a little obsessed with the hobbies he picks. If Daniel were a woman of child-bearing age, he would almost definitely be a scrapbooker (unless he was convinced he’d only screw it up anyway).

Hobby purchases tend to be either extremely minimal (“This paintbrush set is on sale – the responsible thing would be to pick it up”) or they are substantial and far-between (“This video game console is expensive, but it will last me for years.”). It takes a lot for a Daniel to spend, and he waits for something or someone to make the purchase a “responsible” one before he’s willing to do it.

One other thing to be aware of is that Daniel can’t stand unnecessary offers. He hates it when he’s buying a computer from Dell online and they keep trying to offer him digital cameras or printers, because that’s not the primary thing he set out to purchase. These upsells aren’t relevant enough to fit the purpose of his original purchase. (“A monitor? Fine. But a camera? Come on.”)

Daniel also cannot resist a deal. There’s a lot he wants to buy but can’t talk himself into buying it. A special offer on something he can see himself needing or using can be irresistible. He, like Carol, will deliberately space out purchases. He gets nervous spending a lot of money at once, even if the amount is inconsequential. “I can’t justify spending more money now because …” is a constant litany in Daniel’s head.

Interestingly, he will say “I can’t justify spending more money” – notice the “more” — even when he has not actually spent any money. He’s thinking about his cable bill, or that new drill he bought two months ago.

He will say “I don’t need it” on an upsell to a product he ALREADY doesn’t need but simply wants, such as a DVD, video game, or gadget. He feels he must earn or deserve the right to purchase things for himself that are not necessities.

Because of this, Daniel actually responds very well to offers much later. He thinks, “I’ve said no to the last ten… I deserve this.” Because he’s put off that purchase he’s wanted to make for long enough, all the guilt is gone. “I’ve been good” is something you hear from him every now and again.

If he wants or needs something, he doesn’t say “No,” he says “Not yet.” And he LIKES the offer, even the 15 times he doesn’t take it, because it reminds him that one day he will get it. This is a little piece of hope for him, one he will allow himself to hold on to. The Amazon Wish List was made for Daniel.

What Offers Work For Daniel

Point of purchase:
(This is an offer that takes place before any money changes hands.)

This will almost never work for Daniel. He won’t be mad at the offer, but he will almost never buy. If he does, he will always buy the smallest/least expensive package (unless it’s something that contributes to a higher value or is a purchase for someone else).

Too many choices tends to remind him of all the things he can’t have. Just about the only thing they’ll add at the point of purchase is a gift. If you’re a massage therapist, here’s where you could offer him a discounted session or gift certificate for a friend.

Immediately post-purchase:
(This is an offer made right after the initial purchase takes place, often but not always in the same session.)

Again, this is a good place to offer a deal that rewards someone else and can be given as a gift. It’s not a sure thing by any stretch, but you have a decent shot with Daniel. You could also offer a great deal on a very necessary accessory. If Daniel just bought a digital camera for a vacation trip, a larger memory card could work here.

Play it soft and gentle here with Daniel. It was hard enough for him to pull out his credit card the first time and he knows it’s going to be hard to do it again. Make your deal here especially sweet, and make sure it’s for something of genuine relevance. Any offer that’s unnecessary or trivial will annoy Daniel here.

Between purchase and consumption:
(This is an offer made after buying but before receiving or using.)

This is actually a good place to sell again to Daniel. He has fully justified the first purchase and therefore a second, highly specific and related upsell can be seen as “just and fair” by association with the first. (But it MUST be related. A totally random thing is a guaranteed no-go.)

If Daniel books a 60-minute massage and the day before his session, he receives an upgrade email to extend it to 90 minutes, he’s likely to buy. (He wishes he bought 90 minutes in the first place, but it seemed out of reach until he received a great upsell offer.)

At the point of consumption:
(This is an offer made while your buyer is using or consuming whatever they bought first.)

This is also a good place to sell to Daniel. Like Bob, he’s denied himself so long to justify the original purchase that he can’t help making it “even better.” He has finally let herself do something and damnit, he’s going to enjoy it.

If he’s bought a video game and some in-game add-on is 50% off, he’ll be likely to buy it because it feels connected to the first, “safe” purchase. It’s responsible (“If I bought it later, it would be full price.”). If he’s picking up his car from the oil change shop and when paying is offered a discount for booking his next oil change, he’s likely to take it. Everything gets tied in his mind to that first purchase.

Later:
(As the name implies, this is an offer that is made after the rest of the stages, from a few days to a few years.)

As we said earlier, Daniel denies himself purchases, but is always on the lookout for a deal. Keep him regularly informed of all your special offers and he’ll eventually take some of them. He will wait, and wait, and wait, until he’s denied himself so long he’ll make a purchase simply to break the tension.

Keep your offers to Daniel here time-sensitive but not pressured. If you’re offering him a 50% discount for 3 days only, make it a discount you give periodically, like twice a year, so he knows that if he can’t buy now, his turn will come around again.

Examples by Learning Track

(This content is part of the (free!) Same People, More Money course. The course has custom learning tracks for different types of businesses, so let’s take a look at some examples for each.)

Track 1 – Repeat service providers:

These are businesses that have customers who buy from them fairly frequently, like massage therapists, manicurists, and most coaches.  Here’s specific advice on how to get Daniel to make more (or larger) purchases from you.

You probably don’t have a lot of Daniels because he doesn’t like spending on himself, least of all repeatedly. If you do have him, help him keep his costs down with bundles. Offer more than once – he’ll probably buy one day. He takes comfort knowing the bundles exist, even if it takes him a long time to buy one.

He will buy for his spouse, and if your Daniel is a female, she’ll buy for her kids at pretty much any point in the process.

You’ll be at an advantage if you’re following up with Daniel regularly with things like physical catalogs or brochures reminding him of what you’re selling. He may not buy today, but he’ll buy one day and doesn’t feel negatively towards the reminders. Flipping through catalogs and thinking “Someday …” is a recreational pastime for him.

Track 2 – Infrequent or one-time service providers:

These are businesses that have customers who buy from them infrequently, such as wedding photographers, astrologers, web designers.  Here’s specific advice on how to get Daniel to make more (or larger) purchases from you.

Follow-up is critical with Daniel – remember, the likelihood of point of purchase upsells is low. Contact Daniel every way you can – mail, email, and phone (if appropriate), keeping it all very low-key and low-pressure. You’re not trying to convince, you’re just putting your offers out and waiting for the right time to arrive.

Send Daniel frequent upgrade options and make sure he knows about them at the point of purchase – he won’t buy then, but the seed will be planted in his mind and your future contact with him will make more sense. Daniel needs a lot of exposure.

Because you’re an infrequent service provider your service probably holds a lot of gravitas for them (wedding photos, web design, etc.) – so keep in mind that Daniel wants to “do it right” when he makes a future purchase. You have a good opportunity here to sell him an upgrade that he couldn’t quite bring himself to buy during te original transaction.

Track 3 – Products:

These are businesses that have customers who buy specific items – we’re talking about Etsy crafters, information marketers and catalog sellers for example.  Here’s specific advice on how to get Daniel to make more (or larger) purchases from you.

Here you’ll want to promote gifts or special offers for friends (coupons, gift certificates, gifts, etc.). Always offer these to Daniel because today might be his “binge day” and he’s going to spend a lot of money somewhere, so it may as well be on you.

Pack coupons or references to other products into your existing products. Remember that Daniel needs a lot of exposure to your message before he’s ready to buy. He’s used to wanting things, so he’s used to commerce – you can stay in contact a lot.

Now that you know what makes Daniel buy, let’s talk about Vera.

We’ll be talking about Crazy Auntie Vera next – what she’s like, what she’s thinking and what makes her such a psycho. We’ll also talk about what to do when Crazy Auntie Vera (also known as Your Nightmare Customer From Hell) gets her crazy on in your direction. Stay tuned, and start thinking about how you’re going to sell to Daniel in the meantime.