Jul
28
Copywriting and Upselling, Brought To You By Your Friendly Ottawa Tattoo Parlour
It’s been a while since we’ve talked about tattoo parlours here at IttyBiz, and it’s about time we revisit them. (If you haven’t read the other times we’ve talked about my escapades in tattoo parlours and what they have to do with your marketing, try Moral of the Story: Topless Edition and Get Out Of My Fucking Shop. Not your mother’s marketing blog, dahlings.)
So I’m in Ottawa with the Canadian contingent of Men With Pens. I’m getting my nose pierced and Jamie is getting a pretty seriously badass tattoo. Now, it should be noted that I’ve spent more than my fair share of time in tattoo shops and have given them money to shove needles into my body on more than one occasion. I have spent a lot of hours thinking about marketing for tattoo shops because in my dream life, all I ever do is create marketing strategies for tattoo shops.
Generally speaking, tattoo shops suck rocks at marketing. They seem to have accidental word of mouth down to a science, but other than that, they’re worse than life coaches. (Hi, life coaches. We love you. Thank you for sending us your money.)
No referral program. No advertising. No loyalty program. No upselling. And the hours? Jesus, my bank is open later.
The dude asks me if I’ve ever had a body piercing before, whether I’m pregnant or drunk, whether I’m doing this against my will. He goes through the standard spiel, and then asks me if I still have the disinfectant-y stuff from when I got my ears done. Since I got my ears done 15 years ago, I do not.
He suggests H2Ocean, a “piercing aftercare spray”. He also suggests the companion product for Jamie, the “tattoo aftercare cream”. (The last time I was in one of these places on piercing related business was when my ex-boyfriend was getting his lip done. Kevin asked if they sold disinfectant-y stuff, and the dude tells him he can “go to Wal-mart and buy Bactine like everybody else” and then gets into a big kerfuffle with him about whether Bactine is a “cleaner” or a “healer”. So this whole H2Ocean thing was a pleasant surprise.)
I ask how much, he tells me, I buy both, and we’re off to the races.
Scanners, this is where it gets important.
Next time you’re all [insert whiney voice here] “EEEW, but I feel GROSS when I upsell and it just makes me feel all FUNNY inside and won’t people be MAD AT ME?” I want you to remember this:
I knowingly and happily paid $17 for salt water. And I would’ve paid double that because at that moment in my life, I would’ve done pretty much anything to insure against the possibility of hauling my bleeding face all through Ottawa trying to find an open drugstore on a Sunday. And I would do it again. So would most people.
Lesson: For fuck’s sakes, UPSELL.
Which brings us to copywriting.
Yesterday, we talked about what not to say on the back of a coffee cup. Today, we’ll talk about what you SHOULD say on the back of piercing aftercare spray. (If I’m honest, I didn’t even read the damn container when he was selling it to me. I just listened to what he said and then bought the stuff. But if I had, I would have read this:
“H2Ocean Piercing Aftercare Spray is the most effective way to cleanse new body piercings. This patented formula is enhanced with natural enzymes and over 82 trace elements and minerals essential for living cells…”
Why is this good?
Cleanse instead of clean. “Clean” says “you’re a dirty girl”. “Cleanse” says “we can help every cell of your body be as pure as your sweet and giving heart”.
“… over 82 trace elements and minerals”. I don’t know what that means, but it sure sounds good. The scientifically minded among you could probably tell me that there are more than 82 trace elements and minerals in tap water and double that in cat litter, but you weren’t there when I was buying the stuff, were you? NUMBERS MATTER.
“… essential for living cells.” This one was my favourite. As a prospective customer, I think, “Well, fuck. I don’t want DEAD cells. What kind of an irresponsible asshole DOESN’T buy this stuff? Jesus!”
Oh, and since you were wondering…
Yes. You’re right. This article really IS just a way for me to tell my mother I got my nose pierced without actually having to tell her I got my nose pierced. She can’t kill me in public. Hi, Mom!
Hi Naomi,
I got annoucement on my own to make and I’m thinking of stealing your method. Did it work – I mean, can Moms really not kill in public?
Hmmm…
Naomi, are you still alive?
You just now got your nose pierced? In 2009, for fuck’s sake? Pretty damn cutting edge, I must say.
My 62-year-old wife had her nipples done 13 years ago. You’re gonna have to work a little bit harder to shock us, Sunbeam. Or are you aiming for a more “corporate” crowd now that you’ve gone mainstream and are writing posts without the f-word in them?
It might be time for an intervention — anybody want to drive up to Toronto with me, kidnap Naomi and head to this place to get her mind right?
http://www.goodhandys.com/
So when is the new photo going up on the site Naomi? And thanks for the dirt on James….. Or was it your Jamie who got the tattoo?
If you are heading back down the 7 to get back to Burlington (it’s scenic, really, and doesn’t take any longer than 416, 401 most of hte time), drop in for coffee/cocktails.
My phone number might be in an e-mail somewhere but e-mail and I’ll give it to you. We have pigs and chickens. I bet Jack would like that. :-)
JoVE
No tattoos here, man. I’m all… ow. Just ow. But I would’ve happily watched and asked the guy tons of questions!
On a side note, while Naomi was off having stuff stuck up her nose, I listened to the guy do some customer service with another person. Some woman wanted a blob with a halo put on her arm. And the guy was…
Yes. Knowledgeable. “That won’t work very well and you’re not going to be satisfied.” Firm. “We really don’t want to do that. It’s important to us that we work with a design that we can detail properly.” Helpful. “What I suggest is doing this, this and that, which would really look much better on you.”
And most of all, he wasn’t condescending. “There really is no gold for the halo, because that would mean putting metal in your body. And you’re a smart woman, so I’m sure you really don’t want to do that.”
Could’ve just said “No” and “Duh”. But he didn’t. Nice work.
And the upsell was very smooth (see Naomi? I DO read your posts all the way!) and your nose looks very nice.
Glad to hear that Jamie is finally getting that “badass” tattoo. I know that it is very rare to find a tattoo artist that can do Hello Kitty just right.
My daughter just moved on from her pierced nose to having her lip pierced. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 giving the most pain, the lip piercing gets a 10 and the nose a 1. Sorry but whining about nose piercings labels one as a nose pierced wuss.
Now that I know Men with Pens are Naomi groupies, I’m unsure whether or not to hire them as instead of getting a semi-cool website, I might be financing the entire Canadian tattoo and piercings parlor industy.
@ Mike — Did I whine? No, I did not. There was no whining. The only thing that smacked of whining was my very real concern that my mother might refuse to ever babysit again. And unless you’re offering to take over Jack detail, I have every right to be concerned. :-)
And, no. Don’t hire Men with Pens. They’re afraid of tattoos, for God’s sake. Nice enough web design, sure. But do you want to support that kind of wussery?
I’m not offering to take over Jack detail unless I get it in writing that the electric cattle prod is fully charged and that there is a backup cattle prod available. I’m just that kind of a wuss.
Um, I’m also backing out if diapers are involved, as I am like 20+ years out of practice in that area.
Hmm…you’re correct. There was no whining. Uh, are we supposed to have already had our coffee and other stims prior to reading your blog? All those requirements are so confusing…
By the way, I got a laugh from your pal “The Carrier” the other day.
OK, now resuming radio silence….
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