Jun
08
Be Careful What You Rant About: A Story with 4.2 Morals
(Posted while I’m in Cuba, through the magic of the interwebs. Please feel free to talk amongst yourselves.)
To celebrate Victoria Day weekend, Jamie and I took Jack to Niagara Falls. I left my iPhone and my laptop at home and just hung out with my family for a few days.
We tried to make it one of those vacations that kids appreciate while they’re actually experiencing it, as opposed to years later. We splurged on a room with a view of the falls, with floor-to-ceiling windows so we could watch fireworks right from bed. Instead of walking down to the falls, we bought tickets to take an elevator that called itself a railway and tried to get Jack squealing “This is REALLY FUN!” on tape.
We let him get tacky toys and one of those awful light-up blinking necklaces. We stayed up late and ate ice cream. We read a bedtime story from a Thomas magazine Nana sent specially from England. And then we watched fireworks from our bed.
In the morning we bought $19 omelettes at IHOP instead of eating canteloupe like we normally do because IHOP is Jack’s favorite place on earth. We went to the butterfly conservatory. We got a carriage ride around 100 acres of botanical gardens. The horse’s name was Regent. (We could’ve taken Princess, who was faster, but Jack decided “when you go slower, you see more stuff.”)
We had three days with no child care and not a single meltdown. It was 85 degrees all weekend and nobody got a sunburn. Even the traffic was good. It was just that awesome.
Then I came home to this, from a client I’ve worked with before, sent through a series of direct messages on Twitter:
Hey Naomi, we had a phone meeting scheduled for 1 p.m. today. I know you’re super busy, but so am I, and I would have appreciated knowing if you couldn’t make it. I also know $600 probably isn’t a lot of money for you, but it is for me, so it “stings” me a bit more when you don’t show up. I hope to hear something back from you or one of your ninjas later on today. :-(
Jesus. What the hell happened?
I don’t know, exactly, but somewhere along the line, a system broke. I thought I asked the ninjas to make sure our scheduling software marked today as a national holiday, but maybe I didn’t. Maybe they clicked X when they meant to click Y. Maybe it got changed in my personal calendar but not my work one.
Who knows? All I know is that I screwed up BIG TIME.
I called and only got voicemail, so I sent this email back:
Dear [redacted],
I am so incredibly sorry to have missed our consultation today. I had no idea we were scheduled for it. Today’s a holiday here in Canada and I SWORE that was incorporated in the scheduling software so nothing would get booked. I’ve been in Niagara Falls all weekend without a computer and it never even occured to me that something would have been scheduled there.
How can I fix it? We can reschedule ASAP, and we can either use the scheduling link or if that’s too booked, we can sort something out manually outside of the hours that are normally open for consults.
Again, please forgive me. I never meant to screw with your time like that.
Naomi
I felt horrible. Here I was, mooning around in Niagara Falls, and someone was waiting for me. Ick. The $600 comment was a little weird — I’ve worked with this person before and she liked me enough to sign up for more consulting, so I would’ve thought she’d think a little more of me than that. But whatever. She’s disappointed and angry, and hey, I’ve said some dumb stuff when I’ve been disappointed and angry.
Lawyers, Marketers, and Marines
You ever notice how there are certain professions we just love to hate? (Google “lawyer jokes” if you don’t know what I’m talking about.) Lawyers, sure. Apparently shrinks get no love, either. Used car salesmen. Marines. Telemarketers. Parking enforcement. Somehow, it is socially acceptable — even funny sometimes — to take whole groups of human beings and label them negatively and interchangeably. All lawyers are the same, after all.
Being in marketing, I get this a lot.
Usually I understand it. People have preconceptions. They’re hurting. They’re scared. I know that trusting me is a big risk, so I try to make it as non-scary as possible. We have lots of cheap products you can try before you buy the bigger stuff. We have over 400 posts of free advice, plus the free marketing courses. I give interviews and try to keep an active social media presence so that I’m accessible and accountable and reasonably transparent.
Still sometimes people want to hate me because of my job. So it goes, I guess.
After I sent the email, I went onto Twitter and found my client had tweeted this:
I’m done with social media and marketing gurus, shamans, and experts. Just done. Everyone’s a con artist and everyone’s running a scam. :(
Everyone. Chris Brogan? Con artist. Seth Godin? Running a scam. Gwen Bell? Havi Brooks? Jon Jantsch? Scams, scams, scams.
Even the ones you’ve worked with in the past, so successfully that you’re doing well enough that you can drop another 600 bucks on them. Scamming con artists.
I later found out from the ninjas that this woman launched a PayPal dispute within the hour. She still hasn’t resolved it, even four days after we worked it out. Pretty quick on the trigger finger to say I’m a scammer. Not so quick to take it back, I guess.
Ouch.
What do we learn from this?
I’m not angry at this woman. I’m frankly glad I didn’t spend an hour of my life talking to someone who hates marketers. What concerns me is that we are teaching our clients and raising our children to believe that what this woman did is acceptable.
Let’s take what her friends and colleagues publicly replied to her and apply them to a less Fun To Hate demographic.
Me: “I’m done with Jewish people. Just done. Everyone’s a con artist and everyone’s running a scam. :(”
You: “I totally agree! They are out to make money for themselves, not you.”
Me: “I’m done with black people. Just done. Everyone’s a con artist and everyone’s running a scam. :(”
You: “Hey babe. Why so blue?”
Me: “I’m done with lesbians. Just done. Everyone’s a con artist and everyone’s running a scam. :(”
You: “Don’t get your pretty little panties in a bunch, my dear. Just keep on being the bright and shiny you! You rock.”
Me: “I’m done with women. Just done. Everyone’s a con artist and everyone’s running a scam. :(”
You: “Sounds like a rough day – sorry to hear it :(”
Nobody said “Goodness, gracious! What an incredibly prejudiced, stereotyping, bigoted thing to say!” Nope. “You rock.”
Some thoughts before I go back to doing things far more fun than writing about this:
Sweeping generalizations make you look melodramatic at best and completely out of control of your emotions at worst.
When you say “all men are pigs”, you’re the one who looks like a pig.
Your gurus, shamans and experts make mistakes.
Acknowledging this possibility with grace might not be a bad idea. Like, when a big shot doesn’t show up for your interview? Maybe it’s because he’s an arrogant jerk who let his popularity go to head. Or maybe he’s lost on the side of a highway with two carsick kids and a wife nagging that he should’ve brought a map but he’d sworn he didn’t NEED a map because they’ve got GPS but then he forgot to charge the battery.
(Jamie’s take on this: “Never attribute to malice that which can be equally explained by stupidity.”)
You can never take back the stuff you say when you’re mad. Never.
Never, ever, ever. You never could before social media and you certainly can’t now. (See how to avoid running your mouth off online for more on this.)
After I wrote this post but before I published it, this woman wrote me back and said “Thank you for apologizing. Just hearing you say that makes me feel sooo much better.” Well, I’m glad she feels better.
Maybe if SHE apologized, I’d accept that. Probably not, though. I’ve never been into the “sorry I hit you… I just got so mad cuz you were hugging that guy and I didn’t know he was your brother and I have a hard time trusting because I’ve been hurt before” line.
Most important: You are under no obligation to accept money from people who treat you badly.
This woman called me a con artist and my life’s work a scam. I’m sure as hell not going to spend hours of my life dreaming up ways to make her lots and lots of money. No, thank you.
You are not a prostitute. You are under no obligation to accept people being prejudiced or mean to you, just because you’re getting paid. (Scratch that. Prostitutes shouldn’t have to put up with it either.)
We sometimes have this belief that we have to tolerate anything a client puts out. No. You don’t. Be understanding if you want to be understanding and forgive if you want to forgive. But don’t squash down that part of yourself that says, “HELL NO I’m not going to get treated like that” because you’re afraid of losing clients.
You are worth far more than that. Please remember this.
Bonus tack-on 0.2 point moral:
Walking around assuming the whole world is just waiting to screw you over is probably not very good for your health.
I think that woman could take a few lessons in grace and manners from Armando Gallaraga. He’s a major league pitcher who got robbed of a perfect game (a very rare thing, it would have been only the 21st perfect game ever). However, the pitcher wasn’t mad. He just smiled, shook the umpire’s hand the next day, and kept going.
That’s really a great analogy, Jodi. The umpire even admitted that he’d made the wrong call. (I’m still baffled that Bud Selig refused to overturn it.) But Gallaraga just kept smiling. :)
It costs nothing to withhold this kind of judgment until you see what’s actually going on, and costs you a lot to jump to conclusions. Keep a cool head on and make sure that the world you’ve created in your head actually meshes with reality before you proceed, and you’ll be happier and – probably – more successful.
(See also Pace and Kyeli’s The Usual Error, which is a great resource for this sort of interaction.)
Thanks Chris. :-)
Pace and Kylie rock!
As for Bud Selig… well, he DOESN’T rock.
Man, that must have sucked. (And thank you for reminding me that I need to double-check my own calendar’s availability before I send out a round of emails…)
If this had happened to me – I don’t know if you have the same issues – the worst part would be that it would be REALLY hard for me to go on a vacation peacefully again. What if I hadn’t turned off appointments properly? What if someone somehow signed up anyway? What if… It would always be lurking in the back of my head.
Your take-aways are good ones, though. Sadly, there’s a whole subculture – in the US, at least – dedicated to both The Customer Is Always Right (there’s a post in that, too, unless you’ve already written it and I’ve forgotten) and The Vendor Is Always Trying To Fuck Me Over. They’re the ones who haggle in chain bookstores and who wield coupon books like machine guns. Every single interaction is a battle, and these folks won’t be satisfied unless they’ve “won”.
(This is not to say that you shouldn’t try to gain somehow from your interactions, even if it’s not financially. But there’s a difference between “I want to gain from this transaction” and “I want to defeat the other person“.)
I hope you have a good time in Cuba, though!
I am not the woman in this post.
But Naomi, I said mean things to you in email a month or so ago (though not in public) and I am very sorry. I sincerely apologize. You more than made it right and I personally think you are the greatest thing since FloNase.
(“FloNase?” Strange analogy? You try living through spring in the South without it and tell me what you think. FloNase can save your life. And so can Naomi.)
Hmmm… Grace and humility, patients and understanding… In a world where instant gratification and an every ones out to get me mentality these are hard attributes to find…
Once upon a time if some one didn’t turn up for a meeting or lunch or whatever we would have wondered where they were and worried if they were ok… not instantly playing the victim card…and screaming bloody murder.
Chill pill anyone?
Urban myth: The customer is always right
Fact: no one is always right
Ps: Yay for rockin holidays! Sounds like it was a lot of fun…there should be more of that
Two things. First, there’s a difference between being black/Jewish/lesbian and being a marketer. Unless you think that you were born as a marketer and had no choice in the matter. No, all markers are not the same. (Nor all lawyers, used car salesmen, etc.) But they are a self-selected group, so they have something in common, and it’s not completely out of the question to generalize to an extent.
Second, I don’t see how Marines are in your list. I know we’re not known for brains — you should see people’s faces when I say the phrase “Marine Corps reading list” — but are Marines disliked the way the rest of that list is?
“are Marines disliked the way the rest of that list is?”
Ask the Army. ;)
In all seriousness, though – I don’t think the objective was to single out groups that were disliked (or ones that were opt-in) so much as just to single out obvious, easily-identifiable groups. The example would have worked just as well with “philanthropists”, “charity workers”, and “Buddhists”. It’s not really about whether people do dislike those groups so much as whether it’s just to tar the entire group with the same brush based on the actions of a few members. Universally, the answer is that it’s not just. (It may, on occasion, happen to be true, but it’s never just.)
I appreciated this post. It’s so easy to let your emotions get the best of you when your mad. We’ve all been there.
It is a little hurtful to see that dis on the marketing community.
Thanks for venting, its always good to be reminded.
–
Lori Taylor
facebook.com/loriraylenetaylor
The benefit of the doubt should be called the luxury of doubt.
If you don’t get what you expect from a person remind yourself that there are a million things that could be happening in their lives. It’s not a personal attack on you.
If it is a personal attack on you then cut loose and walk away.
Sitting, stewing and generalising is only going to piss you off (and someone else might just get an awesome blog post out of it – that’s going to sting.)
Hope you’re enjoying Cuba Naomi!
I think when something like this happens, people just need to step away from the computer and take a walk. I know it’s easy to get hot headed when you’re charged twice for something or someone didn’t show up for a call or meeting, but there’s another human being on the other side of the interaction, and you have to think about how your viciousness will affect them.
Something similar happened to me a few weeks ago. I was really ticked off because someone charged me for a service I didn’t use and I felt like telling them off via email but I thankfully held back the urge. Once I cooled down, I realized how embarrassing and silly it would have been to freak out. It took them a few hours to fix the problem, but then everything was fine.
People make mistakes and can be forgetful. That’s no reason to treat them like scum. And what’s up with all the hate for marketers? I mean, if this person is running a business, she is also a marketer, whether she likes it or not.
Naomi, sweetie, I’m so sorry about the hate mail that landed on your doorstep. You’ve turned a painful experience into a righteous story that’s helpful, generous and honest.
You’re you–big, loving heart, marketing and life smarts, mom to Jack, and so much else. Labels like “marketer” create a scrim of distance through which we squint at each other without recognition of our common humanity. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
that stinks. i’m glad i read it today though because i’ve had a similar problem this week that has really been getting to me.
“you are under no obligation to accept money from people who treat you badly.” exactly what i needed to hear.
I know she went too far when she publicly denounced all marketers scam artists, but I understand this hurt. I follow lots and lots and lots of blogs that sell things and have for a very long time before ever buying anything. Part of it was being scared to spend the money, but there was also a very big fear of getting screwed over.
And the very first time I bought anything it was a yoga DVD from Havi that she super highly recommended and I love yoga so I was so excited. And I hated it. Like could not get through 5 minutes of it, hated it. I was so disappointed. And the monsters in my head were going “SEE?!? You knew you were going to get screwed over and you DID and that’s why you’re STUPID.” I did sent an email to Havi (actually her assistant) and let her know I was disappointed, and hopefully wasn’t too offensive about it but I was upset and I wanted to know if she would even care. (She did, by the way, and sent a totally different DVD at no-cost to make up for it).
Anyways I think it’s so easy to go out there online and say things that we would never think to say to someone in person. That part is certainly on her, but in another way, I think this does expose why there are so many lurkers around these places…
Thank God your a normal person like the rest of us and not a “guru”.
It would suck to have to be right all the time :-)
I’m curious. Is this particular lady trying to be the best in her field or scene as an expert or possibly even a “guru” in the future? Man, I hope she doesn’t mess up her calendar because apparently that’s the ultimate sin.
Man, I hate it when this happens, but I’m human and it does. I’m feeling very fortunate that I’ve never received that kind of email when I’ve screwed up, but still I feel all kinds of terrible when I do. Also, whomever said they’d have a hard time going on vacation again? Right there with you. I think the hardest part of being a consultant is the number of chainsaws you’re juggling at any one time. And does it smart when one falls on your head!
I hope the person learned that perhaps not everyone is out to get her. Probably not, but here’s to hoping. :-)
I guess I would have felt that she went too far if she had specifically named IttyBiz in her grumpy tweet. Since she didn’t, to me it just seems a bit like generalized ranting.
I’m not trying to defend her – I just feel like just like she should have given Naomi the benefit of the doubt when she missed the appointment, we should cut her a smidge of slack too. I mean – maybe there was some other stuff in her life that really sucked that day.
But of course Naomi doesn’t have to work with anyone she doesn’t want to, and I can understand why she took it so personally.
As I’m always telling my kids: the internet has a long, long memory.
That’s a good point. We don’t know what else could have set her off. There could have been some other programs that scammed her. It could have been the final straw. It may be jumping the gun a bit to assume that *this* was the only reason for her Tweet.
It feels good to read this and know i’m not the only one who feels this way – about not being treated poorly by a client and having to suck it up cause they’re always right.
Performing a client enema feels pretty good sometimes and it’s healthy too.
“You can never take back the stuff you say when you’re mad. Never”
So true. It’s bad enough when you yell at your kid or your significant other… so much worse when your rant is out there for all to see.
So sorry this happened to you Naomi!
i feel so not alone with you in the world naomi. not alone in the “suck” parts of being an entrepreneur. and not alone in the feeling hurt about the suck parts.
this landed big time: You are under no obligation to accept money from people who treat you badly.
And for that matter, feeling coerced into believing that we need to do “certain” clients favors (like NOT charging them). anyways, my stuff.
*my* ideal clients will not ask me to compromise or bargain. and they prefer presuming innocence or giving the benefit of the doubt, which goes much further and yields greater peace of mind.
i think you’re wonderful. and your perspectives always help me get into the space of being FINE FINE FINE with being me. a real gift.
as always, thanks for sharing your stuff with us & i’m sorry for your hurt but it seems you’ve landed on your feet and then turned it into something good :) that’s real success in my book!
Ah, I needed a “stand up for yourself” kick in the pants today! Thank you N.
Dude, mistakes happen. It’s what makes us human. We also generalize and get hurt and react a lot. This is obviously not ideal when you’ve got the ability to push a button and blast your reactions to the world.
Naomi, you just rock for how you handle these things. I honestly I admire you and how well you go with the flow. I can just imagine how tough these situations are, and you are totally able to come through the fog and speak to us with a clear vision.
We loves you! :)
That last bit reminds me of a Robin Williams joke: “I suffer from Pronoia: that suspicious feeling everyone is secretly out to help me.”
We could do a whole post on the nasty shit people say in their unsubscribe emails, too, but let’s not.
This was a great post. It reminded me again, that its important to keep perspective.
If you have a great perspective, that anchors you and allows you to recognize what is important to you and where your ethics are. You gain perspective by taking the time to define who you are and what your business is.
It keeps you from pandering to an abusive person. It keeps you from abusing other people. It allows you to think before you act and to know how to act after you think.
Be careful what you rant about indeed. Personally I have a policy of never badmouthing clients no matter what.
“I’m frankly glad I didn’t spend an hour of my life talking to someone who hates marketers.”
Um, did you consider that maybe this client was mad about the fact that you missed your $600 appointment and posted this before you got back to them? That perhaps this isn’t the first time they’ve been burned?
While it’s great that you’ve apologized both directly and publicly, I don’t get the point of ripping your client a new one here.
This one hits home. Way back in a former life, while working as a private consultant, I agreed to fix a sucky project for a client, because his former consultant couldn’t. I didn’t create the problem, but I agreed to fix it.
It was made very plain to me in short order that I was paying for the former consultant’s mistakes. I ended up firing my client, handing his project back, and refunding his billing. He threatened lawsuits and name-smearing and “You’ll never work in this town again.”
Best decision I ever made. I felt better, more confident, and in control of my own shit.
I applaud your decision Naomi.
I’m with @Kristin Brown on this one: “you are under no obligation to accept money from people who treat you badly.” is exactly what I needed right now! This post was actually perfect for me today. I’m still mulling over an experience from last week where I was reamed out by a client for not replying to them immediately. They accused me of a lot of things when I got back to them 6 hours later. I’d been driving to a wedding and not online during the day. Though I bit my retort and apologized, and they replied with a sorry as well for the rant, it left a bitter taste in my mouth about our continued relationship and my weekend was spent mulling over new clients to pursue to replace them.
I’m just a little chicken on ditching a client, because as several people have pointed out, Americans are trained on a “the client is always right” framework, and this is not always healthy. But then again, I was a profitable content creator before I had this client who has me all anxious and upset about being offline for any period of time, and dammit, I will be again.
“Walking around assuming the whole world is just waiting to screw you over is probably not very good for your health.”
No, and it’s not good for her business or her love life, either.
Sorry it happened to you, Naomi. Everybody slips up now and then (I sure have). It’s a shame she didn’t give you the benefit of the doubt — and revealed her very deep insecurities.
At least you got a great post out of it. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Oh, and @ Jen Adams: We Americans are trained that the customer is always right, but it doesn’t give anybody holding a dollar bill the right to be paranoid, rude, or accusational (as in the case of your badly behaved client). I hope you have sensational luck replacing them with people who pay quickly and treat you like gold.
Thanks for the well wishes Terry – I appreciate it!
“Don’t get your pretty little panties in a bunch, my dear. Just keep on being the bright and shiny you! You rock.”
I swear, if I had a friend who said something that stupid to me, I’d punch them in the head.
Beyond that, why would anyone assume they were being scammed within the first hour? Shit happens and sometimes the things we plan don’t pan out exactly as we planned them. For all she knew, you were in the emergency room, or at an unforeseen funeral.
I think that kind of conclusion jumping says a lot about the person doing it, but it sure doesn’t say anything good.
Naomi. I’m literally smack dab in the middle of a similar situation. As a writer, I went from being so dead-on and brilliant to being bitch slapped to next Tuesday because there were some typos and words the client didn’t like in my copy – in the blink of an eye. I was told that ‘professionals should not make mistakes.’
I’m not going to lie. I don’t like being wrong and I don’t like making mistakes. And I don’t like being ‘released from my duties’ – except when it’s clear that this is not a match made in heaven and that the release is, indeed, a blessing. (Still, hard to swallow)
Thanks so much for writing this post. Thank you for pulling the high lessons out of the low shit. It’s brilliant. You are brilliant. And valuable.
Thanks for the excellent post Naomi. It can be quite upsetting when you have tried to do your best for a client and they launch a full-on attack when something unintentionally goes wrong. I have had a few clients from Hell – every time they had a problem they acted as though I had deliberately and maliciously created the problem for them.
We’re better off without clients like that because they end up being high maintenance in the long run.
Steve
Naomi I know this sucks but this is about her stuff. Note comment about shamans, gurus,etc. This is about someone expecting you to do something she needs to be doing for herself. She should know you well enough to know it was an honest mistake. I think you rock! Cuba! Claro que si!
Another piece of this problem as I see it is the idea that because someone works via the internet, this means they should be available at all hours. As though these people don’t deserve a free weekend or an uninterrupted meal once in a while. This unhappy person direct Tweeted you. The decent thing is to WAIT for a reply before escalating the issue! We as a society are getting too instant gratification dependent.
Sorry this happened to you – I hope you get a satisfactory resolution!
My favorite part of all of this is the realization that it’s a good thing you didn’t waste anymore of your time with someone like this client. I’m not saying mistakes like missing an appointment don’t matter but $600 (or $6000 for that matter) isn’t worth the time spent with someone who doesn’t appreciate your work.
And that right there is why retail customer service and I just didn’t work out.
Ok, thinking this one over a bit.
First of all, I totally understand why you got upset. You felt disrespected and your work got crapped on. I’d be upset too.
However, I don’t think posting the private dialog was the most tactful thing to do. I know you didn’t name this person publicly, but it’s possible to search for Twitter updates, so she’s not exactly anonymous although she didn’t name you in her tweets herself.
I personally feel you could have stated your discontent to this person in private before airing it publicly or perhaps said what you wanted to say in a different way without sharing the details of a particular client situation.
I’ve had a few serious issues with clients over the years, but never aired anything publicly even if I wanted to really really badly.
I think in this case, you were both in the wrong.
But hey, it’s your blog/party and you can do what you want. And… we’re all human. Who knew? :)
It’s the sense of entitlement that I find interesting. Why is it that we all somehow feel ENTITLED to whatever it is that our little hearts desire? And at the expense of whatever may or may not be going on in the other person’s life — what’s with that? As one of those most detested of people, a lawyer, I am familiar with the hatefulness — “low-life bottom-feeding scum” said with a laugh and a smile, like I’m supposed to think it’s cute….HUH??? Many people who know me will find this hard to believe, but I’ve learned how to swallow stuff that’s really offside and just get on and do what I have to, but that doesn’t make me like it. Other times, though, my inner bitch comes to the fore, and I have been known to tear a strip off someone. Gotta admit, there’s sometimes nothing more satisfying.
Caronline, I’m not sure what this has to do with entitlement. Money exchanged hands, thus it’s a business transaction. That changes the score.
I’m not going to comment on either stance, but just wanted to comment that the term “bottom-feeding scum” is going a little overboard here.
In the medical, professional ethics dictates, “The patient is always RIGHT”. No matter what. No negotiation, no debate, no arguing. Of course, they’re not always right and, sometimes, not by a long shot!
Thank goodness we have choices as small business owners and internet marketers. You should absolutely dismiss clients when the situation warrants a dismissal.
Melanie
Argh, if only I had read this this morning. I was guilty of running my mouth, then had to eat crow today and it sucked.
We had our car worked on a few weeks ago, the dealer that worked on it wasn’t our usual one, there were tons of issues that I won’t get into, but basically we weren’t satisfied, and once we paid our insurance deductible, were happy to be rid of them. So when I got a call saying they hadn’t received our payment yet, and to let them know how I was going to make it, I was pissed and left a very passive aggressive voicemail saying in no uncertain terms would they get another red cent from me.
Turns out that the insurance company changed their policies and no longer sends the check directly to the dealer, and the check they had sent us had gotten lost in the mail. Calling back and leaving the “Sorry I screwed up” message sucked. Those people are going to talk about me, and how obnoxious I was over dinner, and I can guarantee you that I won’t get any business from their circle of friends.
I think next time I want to be all indignant and self righteous I’m going to buy some bubble wrap to pop. Bubble wrap makes everything better…
what i say here is because that woman doesnot matter – to me, and most of your readers, fans and friends here.
but you do.
and, reading what you wrote made me uncomfortable. it took me a while to understand why.
the woman had so got to you, that the words you spoke/wrote seemed more like coming from her, than you.
it was clear you were feeling angry and hurt. and this post would have turned into a gift for all of us if you could have found that out, and said it first simply: ‘i am feeling hurt. and angry.’
it would have turned all this brilliant observation into what it truly could be.
learning from my own experience (here), and my words that popped out because of it… here it is… simply.
i am disappointed. i expected a lot more. i expected to see and feel the true naomi – who she is in each moment, truly revealed in all glory… or gory detail.
and just as it was not about that woman… this is not about me…
it is about you… and ‘we’ here.
Thank you for this kick in the ass post. I’m glad that you enjoyed your time at the falls, but sorry that you had to come home to that.
I’ve worked in retail most of my adult life, and find it truly hard to always be the one who has to turn the other cheek, because some self-righteous ass thinks that because I am behind the cash register they are the ones who are right and will try anything to get what they think they deserve.
You did, in my opinion, more than you needed to do to rectify the situation and you apologized.
You rock Naomi, and don’t let anyone tell you differently!
This happened to me recently and I’ll name the person involved, Karen Paritee. We moved our session as she had an appointment and I forgot to shift it in my calendar.
I was in the store when I got an e-mail from her asking if I was testing her? Er, no I was buying a cauliflower actually.
I felt terrible and it’s only the 2nd time it’s happened in almost 6 years of coaching. I mentioned her name because she was brilliant, understanding and laughed about it and deserves kudos imho.
We all have choices in how we react.
I thought this post was brilliant. We all need to think more before we run our mouth while angry.
I’m not sure why anyone thought it uncomfortable to read. I thought you were as transparent as always.
Sorry the end of your terrific trip ended like this. I will take to heart the part about not having to accept every PITA client who comes my way.
The lady who jumped to conclusion could gain from reading the Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz, especially Agreement 3:
“Don’t make assumptions” – Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.
For you Naomi, it’s clear by the way you responded to her that you practice them, especially Agreement 4: Always do your best – Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
@ Linda – Possibly the best book written about self-development ever. After How To Be Rich and Happy of course ;-)
Love that book!
I did something like this last summer. I’d had a VERY expensive time with our vet, taking care of our very sick dog (since deceased) Then our cat got the urinary-tract thing that male cats sometimes get, and we were back in there. Some of my Facebook friends had made enquiries about his progress, and in commenting on that, I said some kind of nasty things about the vet’s overdoing it, and the ridiculous cost of some of the services provided. All true, and I stand by my facts, but the tone was not necessary nor kind, and didn’t help things progress in any kind of positive way. It certainly made for an uncomfortable encounter when I went to pick up the cat and had some of it quoted back at me, with obviously hurt feelings on the vet’s part. Ashamed of this, and will be MUCH more mindful in future. (Plus, wondering why he was creeping me on FB, since I hadn’t “friended” him!?!) Not a happy situation for either of us….
The heart of this post is something that really isn’t said enough; one of the joys of being a business owner is that you really don’t have to work with anyone you hate.
Now, you have to temper this instinct with your need to eat and pay your bills, and the knowledge that sometimes getting rid of clients can be tougher than it first appears, but if you’re willing to go that route you have total freedom.
And here is the second part of this, which is equally important. Like many rights, if we never use it, we’ll lose it. If you really can’t stand someone, or you come to a point where you like them but you just can’t work with them anymore, it’s your duty to do something about it. Especially if they are difficult in general; at some point, someone has to be the one to say no and stick up for fair treatment of business owners and freelancers.
I will do nearly anything to to continue to work with a client, because 99.9% of my clients are interesting, fun, and lovely people. But sometimes, there’s stuff you just can’t take, and you need to stick up for yourself and put an end to it.
Naomi -
I think it is great that you addressed this publicly and without malice. I feel empowered just reading your post. I hate when people decide what I am about based on my background or my employment. I will also think twice about those lawyer jokes – Thank you!
I’m reading a lot of good and thoughtful comments here about the tone of our online words, so I’ll focus on the part that jumped out at me:
“…this woman launched a PayPal dispute within the hour. She still hasn’t resolved it, even four days after we worked it out.”
Opening a PayPal dispute (or a credit card chargeback) is an outright accusation of fraud. It should be a last resort, when every benefit of the doubt has been used up and every attempt at communication has failed.
It’s generally not a (good) way to get someone’s attention. Not something to try when an hour has gone by with no response to an email or DM.
My two cents: Don’t openly accuse someone of fraud unless a) you’re sure there’s no other explanation for their actions and b) you’re willing to trash any possibility of a future good relationship. Because when you cry fraud, it’s game over.
It sounds like there are a lot of hurt feelings in this one. I think it’s important to acknowledge that, and especially to acknowledge that EVERYONE has feelings. Often, we somehow think that ‘gurus’ are immune to human emotion. Not true, and it doesn’t exonerate us from having to behave with basic human decency.
Thank heavens we can choose who to work with.
Naomi, love your stuff, way to go. You’re an ace lemonade maker! What a great object lesson in detachment, owning up, taking responsibility and dealing appropriately with the Reality Impaired.
I had a similar situation while I was in Paris during the month of April, where my shopping cart charged members of a class an extra payment due to errors on the part of the people who run the cart. (*eye-roll*)
My wonderful team did their best to cope with this on my behalf and I even called the cart folks myself at 3:30am Paris time just to resolve it. We went so many go-rounds with them it wasn’t funny.
Most of the people laughed and said they understood and accepted the refund plus fees that we offered them with good grace. Two however were flaming mad and accused us of scamming, one threatened to take it to the PayPal fraud dispute level.
It’s true the event played out over the course of many weeks and I could fully understand their anger, but come on guys, really – the principal is out of the country, has agreed to refund your money plus your card fees, plus the translation from our currency to yours and so on. The team was on it, but there was not much more than that to be done. Cut us a doggone break already.
Solution: We made the refund and deleted the person who threatened legal action out of our database immediately.
Sometimes systems break.
Sometimes your hosting company decides to down your sites for a week with no possibility of getting them back up. Solution: triple redundancy – all our files are copied to three separate hosting companies (and we can change DNS servers on a dime).
Sometimes the shopping cart implements a new upgrade that spams your list, sucks extra payments out or puts your people out in some horrid, godforsaken way. And you have to explain, placate and tap dance all by yourself in front of a dark house with only a weak and wavering penlight as a spot. Or words to that effect.
We’re not perfekt, we do make mistakes, and those of us for whom integrity is important own up and fix what broke, no matter if it’s our fault or someone else’s. I’d a lot rather make it my fault, deal with it, refund money, unfriend/unfollow/delete contacts and get the unhappy out of my energy field and business, than hang on.
You make this point splendidly Naomi, brava. We do NOT have to put up with the Gratitude-Free and Reality Impaired. Nor yet anyone who treats us with disrespect.
The customer needs to get a clue and get past their past with others who have screwed them. We need to get a clue and boot clueless chumps to the curb.
I agree with Wendy above, when the customer cries fraud, it’s SO “game over”. Done, deleted, outta here.
And put all the systems in place we can to prevent disaster, but also vote with our feet on systems that repeatedly let us down as professional solutions.
Thanks again for a lovely post. I so look forward to reading your brilliance. ;-)
Thanks for putting this into alternate wording and for sharing your experience. This helps me to feel more solid about my stance with my business that sometimes it’s best to fire customers early rather than drag out rude comments from them. (I’m amazed when they go from 0 to 60 in their first email to me about a problem!) This also solidified action that I need to take (or not take) about a university student who lied in an attempt to change a grade, but wouldn’t own up to it, but rather ran and hid. Now this person has to come back to try to find a way to fix the mess, but you’re helping me to realize that I don’t have to fix it for them. I can let them deal with the consequences of their actions both in the deception and in not fixing it or owning up to it after the fact.
You did a great job of making me see the broader scope of these moments of “bridge burning.” Thanks also for sharing your own shame. We all fuck up. Even you, as an expert, have a right to drop the ball on occasion.
I fully agree with firing some customers but this is a weird situation now. Obviously there are going to be a camp of people that will fight back with you here. We’ve seen it in a majority of the comments. I feel as if this situation could have been handled very differently. The person went off their rocker too fast, and I think you went off yours too fast as well – via this post. I’m just not sure what this say about where you come from in business. I don’t think it explained what you’re going to do from this point. Perhaps this is a person that was never going to become the loyal customer, and I agree to not spend time, energy and money on trying to win them over. However I can’t agree with fully burning them as well. I think the story could have been spun in a much different light. I don’t know, maybe there is something more to it – either way – I agree be careful what you rant about.
I’ve recently started to subscribe here, and am reading the backlog I’ve missed! In the UK we have a saying – ‘you can please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can’t please all of the people al of the time’ I think it’s really important to keep this in mind, whether you run a business or are the client of one!
If you get paid for something, it’s the product you’re selling, whether that be skills or something more tangible – you’re not selling your very self! If you feel you have to accept every client that offers themselves, then you are undervaluing yourself – and so will your customers. The customer ISN’T always right, except in knowing what they want – that doesn’t mean they’re entitled to it, or to treat whoever is attempting to meet those needs like a slave.
A little more respect all round? For ourselves, as well as those we deal with ;o)
Hi Naomi!
Thanks so much for the “behind the curtain” view of this fascinating topic – and your business.
I was one of the people who tried to use the discount code while you were in Cuba and it didn’t work. Every time you sent an email announcing the offer I tried it again, never with any luck.
Each time I replied to your email and mentioned the problem. I didn’t expect you to get back to me then – you were in Cuba! – but I did think you might have an assistant who would field my query.
And then I did hope (but not expect) that you would get back to me when you were settled back at home.
I don’t know whether to be pleased or chagrined to know that a business can be run successfully (as yours surely is) when it doesn’t respond to (potential) customer queries.
The response that “I’m bad at email.” is a curious one.
Again, this subject has given me a lot to think about and only time will tell if I end up being pleased or chagrined that basic customer service can be dealt with in such an unexpected (to me) manner.
Thanks again and take wonderful care, Stacey
I wondered about that too. And I also wondered about all the comments that got deleted here last week.
I was still wondering the same thing, was hoping some sort of explanation would come after Naomi’s return…. I guess not.
I have said this here in the comments, and they were deleted, but I really think that just because some of us disagreed the discussion could have been educational to many on both sides.
I may not be so big in the pants as some others, but the way this was handled just stinks all the way around.
I would have thought someone of your stature would have at least given an explanation to why comments got deleted just because they disagreed, or maybe you are too good to explain your actions (or those of your “ninjas”)….
Shame….
I can really relate to all sides of this.
Accidentally spacing or forgetting about something that was scheduled. It sucks. And I feel super guilty.
Being the person who someone forgot about, even though I set aside time and put a LOT of money into something. That also sucks. And I feel super hurt.
Saying stuff I didn’t mean because I was so hurt–check.
Having stuff said about me (directly or indirectly) when I screwed up–been there, too.
I think giving a client an extra ‘something’ rather than just rescheduling can at least earn someone some good will, if that’s what they choose to do.
I don’t think labeling all marketers as scam artists is okay, but I also think handling mistakes (etc.) with grace goes both ways. “HELL NO, I’m not going to get treated like that” and “you are worth more than that” could just as easily be advice for the person who spent $600 on a missed appointment–even if they don’t have as big of a reach.
The truth depends on who’s telling it.
An article about the deleted comments–
http://keithbloemendaal.com/must-be-kidding-me