Let’s define marketing, shall we? We talk about it a lot here, this being a marketing blog and all, so maybe it’s time for a common terminology.

The Definition of Marketing

Marketing is the shit you do that makes people buy your shit.

Please note that our above definition does not refer to split testing or copywriting or ad campaigns or going viral or word of mouth or any other specific shit.

It is simply the shit you do that makes people buy your shit.

It’s time for a story, don’t you think?

Harvey’s is a fast food restaurant. Long ago and far away, before free soft drink refills were an industry standard, Harvey’s execs were trying to figure out how to sell more drinks.

Selling more drinks is good for two reasons. First, selling more of anything is generally considered to be a good thing. Secondly, selling more of something with a 2000% markup is an even better thing.

Anyway, the Harvey’s people decided to hold a contest for their employees. They created an almost criminally low budget — fifty grand rings a bell — and spread the word. Whoever comes up with the best way to sell more soft drinks wins.

Harvey’s keeners went to work thinking up new and creative ways to sell more watered down high fructose corn syrup to the unsuspecting masses. Middle management had a field day trying to out-creative and out-suck-up each other with exciting, dramatic and convoluted tricks and general marketing shenanigans.

The problem was, the ideas sucked.

Well, the ideas either sucked or the employees who came up with them knew fuck all about finance and were trying to do three million dollars worth of marketing for fifty grand. The contest was looking like it was going to flop.

Eventually they awarded the prize to a high school aged burger flipper from one of the highway truck stop locations. His idea was the simplest, the easiest, the cheapest and the one that was bound to succeed.

The idea?

Make the holes bigger in the salt shakers.

More salt. More thirst. More drinks. More money for Harvey’s.

This, my fellow IttyBizzers, is marketing.