Aug
11
This Just In: Entrepreneurship Makes You Impotent
The new Barn of Bliss – no longer a barn, but just as blissful – is a ground floor (read: glorified basement) apartment in an oh-so-trendy neighbourhood in Toronto. It’s the kind of kid-friendly, dog-friendly, yoga studio rich, fountainous and park-ridden neighbourhood that makes you either swoon or vomit, depending on your proclivities.
The area is under construction. (This is because, if you don’t know, Canada has been said to have two seasons: winter, and construction.) Additionally, they’re redoing our windowsills to restore them to their delightful prewar, white washed, pansy-filled glory. Because of all of this, you can’t move for dust and dirt.
We mop the floor every day around noon and every night before bed, we have to use a potato scrubber to get the grime off the bottoms of our feet. (Not joking.) We don’t have our own furniture yet, and I’m about 8 weeks behind on work in the middle of an August heat wave. But there’s a courtyard with a fountain in it and a fantastic Starbucks and pretty darned adorable hand-painted sign outside our door that says “Tradesmen’s Entrance” that was probably put there in the forties and nobody’s thought to remove it. The front foyer has fancy art and asymmetrical chairs and it’s very hoity toity, but I come in the tradesmen’s entrance. Maybe it reminds me of my roots. Overall, I love this place.
But today, the power went out, and the shit hit the fan. (It was metaphorical shit hitting the metaphorical fan, our fan being out of commission and all.)
We went to our on-site somebody-or-other, asking why the power might be out. “Dunno,” she says, not even looking up from her computer. (As subletters, we are basically negroes as far as she’s concerned.)
“Could it be that the previous tenant didn’t pay their bill?”
“Nope,” she mumbles, still not looking up. “They woulda hadda come see me to get access to the power box.”
“Any thoughts on what else might have happened?”
She lets out a chesty sigh commensurate with her considerable girth and says, “I’ll put a work order in, but it’s the maintenance guy’s day off. Don’t know when somebody’ll come.”
Several hours pass, and we call the power company. Since our home phone comes through our cable, and our cable is powered by electricity, we do this from a pay phone in a thunderstorm. Turns out, yes, the previous tenant has skipped out on their bill. They can’t change the name on the account when there’s a disconnection in place, and they can’t turn the power back on until the balance is paid in full.
The only problem is that because of the privacy laws, they can’t tell us what the balance is, or what account number we should pay it to. So how do we get the power back on? “Don’t know. You might want to check with the management company.”
This was about the time in the day when I started to freak out. I go back to the apartment, and our charming representative is not in the office. Meaning to tear around in a fury trying to find her, I go in the front door for the first time since we’ve moved in. And there, stickied to the glass, is a notice of our pending disconnection. It’s dated the day before we moved in.
Now, with amount due and account number in hand, I haul ass to a pay phone to pay this stupid thing. We are off to the races.
Except we’re not, because the time to get a work order in has passed, and we will have to wait until tomorrow.
Now, I well and truly lose it. The weeks of virtually non-existent internet access, the disappointed customers, no phone, no clean clothes, missing my mother horribly, it all comes crashing in. I am standing on Yonge Street, crying my eyes out. My shoes are soaked from the rain and the dirt that is perpetually coating my skin is mixing with sweat and raindrops and rendering my eyes useless. I am crying so hard I can barely breathe.
“Are you running?”
“What?”
“Ma’am, I can’t hear you. Can you stop running and catch your breath so I can hear you properly?”
I am begging and pleading and imploring. I am telling him that my son has an illness that the heat will make worse and he will scratch himself in his sleep until he bleeds and his skin will get infected. I am telling him I will pay whatever it costs, whatever overtime they have to pay, whatever guy they have to bring in, I will pay it, happily, in cash if he needs it, but I need my power back tonight.
Eventually, he caves and sends a work order. The man is on his way. I tell him to come to the Tradesmen’s Entrance.
And now… the point!
I live a life of relative luxury. I work very little and get paid a lot. My life is pretty close to the one people dream about when they sneak a few stolen pages of the Four Hour Work Week in the bathroom stall before a meeting. But it has its drawbacks. One of them is that you get pretty used to having shit go your way. And when it doesn’t, you are thrown violently back to the way it used to be.
The on-your-knees pleading with God that the sick day you just took to take your kid on a three-bus-long ride to the hospital again is not the one that’ll get you fired and cancel your health insurance.
The deciding between buying food and paying bills.
The knowing that the plastic motorcycle for your little boy is going to be the one purchase that ensures you can’t pay rent this month but you know the look he’s going to give you. It’s not going to be disappointment or anger or pouting – those you could handle. It’s going to be understanding, and resignation, and a brave face, and those are emotions your little people shouldn’t have to know about for a long, long time. The decision to buy it anyway and figure it out later.
The powerlessness I felt today was like a brick to the face, and who do you tell? Who do you tell that the biggest problem you’ve had this year was going without power for a few hours? Who can understand how hard it was, how it was like a nightmare of going back to an old life? Who gets that?
If you’re reading IttyBiz because you dream of being A Big Deal On The Internet and you’re beating yourself up because you’re not as good as [insert A List blogger here], cut yourself some slack, OK? You want to be like Brian or Leo or Darren or Sonia or Dave or Havi or (God help you) me, I get that. But please understand, we don’t live in perfect little bubbles.
Read about Brian’s emergency brain surgery. Or Havi’s best friend committing suicide. Or Michael getting divorced. You can read about me watching all the bits of sparkle wash down the drain. And know that it’s cool. Nobody’s got it better than you. Maybe we don’t have day jobs, but we’re just as close to losing our shit as you are.
I hear you on that. Man. Do I ever hear you. Thanks for saying that, because… yeah.
Thank you for this, Naomi. It came at just the right time.
News flash for a lot of people – I still have a day job (for now).
It ain’t easy, even when it’s easy, and when it’s hard it’s a freakin’ nightmare.
But it’s worth it, because after a few years of slugging it out the results are finally coming in. But most days I’m still losing my shit, just like everyone else. :-)
So true. We are all vulnerable in the same ways, no matter how stable we may seem otherwise.
What happened to you sucks and I’m sorry that it did. Somehow, tomorrow will be better.
And for the folks who “haven’t made it” in their minds, tomorrow will be better. Much better.
Big hug.
Oh, Naomi, I’m so sorry. You must have felt scared and heartbroken to feel that you were back in that old, painful place. Sending you many blessings for ease, spaciousness, safety, and everything you need to feel truly at home in Toronto.
Love, Hiro
So sorry this happened to you, Naomi. Hope you don’t mind *hugs* from an internet stranger.
This post comes at the perfect time for me. I’ve just (sorta) launched my new business and am in the midst of the “OMGfirstprojectI’mgonnadie-whyamInotasgoodasthem” voices.
It’s got to get better from here.
Yes, yes, yes. I completely know what you mean. I’m coming over there RIGHT NOW with cookies and cold lemonade and hugs.
(((Naomi)))
Fighting like hell to keep the lights (and air conditioning and internet and and and) on is no fun. I can’t tell you how many times the crappy power company we have here in northern California (Hi, PG&E!) has left us scampering for a motel the next town over, baby and dog in tow, fingers crossed for wifi because my husband works from home, and home is where the wireless is, and no wireless = no paycheck.
May you find comfort in your new space soon.
Wow, thanks for that post. I guess it’s easy to forget that we’re all human and have junk that we have to deal with from time to time. I know I often look to people I admire and think that their lives are so blessed, and why can’t my life be more like theirs. Turns out, it sometimes is.
Hope things get a little smoother for ya.
Oh, man. Naomi, I so needed to read this today. I’ve worked my ass off for years to repair my credit – credit that my ex-husband helped destroy. I was doing an excellent job, too, until the credit crunch. Now, suddenly, my credit card companies are increasing my rates and lowing my credit lines. All of which, combined, are tanking my credit again. I have done nothing wrong. Nothing different. Nothing to deserve it. And it yanks me back to that time when I was struggling, no credit, no bank account, and very little hope that it would get better. I still don’t know how to fix it. But I got out of it once and I’ll figure it out again. Thanks for sharing. Really.
Naomi.
My son has similar skin troubles. I have noticed that when ever I think I found THE CURE it doesn”t work anymore but…. what is working for me now is giving my son a spray bottle water and a little lavendar oil. He can spray himself down when he gets to hot and the lavendar helps with any scratches.
Hope this helps. Email me if you would like some more ideas. Would love to hear what has worked for you too.
Janet
Naomi
God, poor you. Big hugs all round.
If you haven’t already tried it, Hope’s Relief (Australian, can be ordered on the ‘net) is wonderful for all sorts of skin troubles.
Last night my cat pee’d on the sofa and when I took the cushion covers off I found a rip in one of the seat cushions, which means that there are now feathers … all … over … everything. I really, really, didn’t need to have to deal with either the cat pee or the feathers today!
What I did need was your post (and the others you mentioned) to remind me that life sucks, in big ways or small, for all of us sometimes. Thank you.
So, SO needed to read this… It is strangely comforting to know the cool kids are just as freaky as the rest of us. ;)
First, big hugs.
Second, I’m really sorry this all happened. Like a lot sorry.
Third, more hugs.
One of the things that consistently wows me about you is how real you are. And you’re not being real as a gimmick. You’re being real because, well, that’s just you.
And a post like this? It’s got the kind of mojo that reaches people to the bones.
So thanks for being real. Thanks for being you.
Now, shall I pour the gin?
Hey Naomi
Challenges and upsets come our way when we’re most equipped to deal with them (although it may not feel like that at the time.)
But you got through it. And you’ll really appreciate that power now!
Poor Jack. I’ve always been sensitive to heat, but I just started a similar summer itching thing myself. (I know, I know – probably TMI.) But a toddler must feel miserable.
I’m so sorry you’ve been through the mill lately. But I know I’m not the only one who appreciates your honesty about life with an online business. That it’s not trips around the world or shopping on Rodeo Drive. Some days, it’s just as sucky as regular life can be.
Naomi
My heart leaps out to you.. what a day!
Thanks for sharing this.
Amanda x
I do. And anyone else who’s moved even an inch beyond that fucked up life wherein their kid looks at them with understanding and resignation over a plastic motorcycle, that’s who. We understand it’s not you being the suddenly spoiled, pampered, Internet star. We get that it feels like a perverse reminder that the forward progress you’ve made is just as subject to life throwing curve balls as the life you had before was.
As I find myself somewhere between no-plastic-motorcycle-for-you-son and my-biggest-problem-has-been-no-power-for-a-few-hours, not wanting ever again to see that look on my kids’ faces keeps me going on the days I’d rather just tell the world to piss off, and the success I’ve achieved reminds me that money doesn’t buy happiness, it buys better choices.
Happiness is up to me.
Hey Naomi, you’ve got nothing but hugs and support from me. And since I’m moving to Toronto in September, you can come bum internet & showers at my place too. ;) (Though I figure it should be fixed by now.) I’ll even feed you with lots of delicious green smoothies if you need a little pick me up. Maybe not the same effect as alcohol, but still.
Though on a more serious note, I get the whole craziness of these situations. When money is tight, the pressure is on, nothing is going your way. It sucks. *lots of hugs*
I feel like I was standing there on the sidewalk with you. For some reason I can’t stop crying today – no good reason, I assure you – but this switched me over to more of a sisterly cry than a poor pitiful me cry. So thanks for turning the tide. Time for a cocktail.
A good friend once said, “Life’s a bitch, but the puppy’s are great”. Always look at the bright side of life, it’s much more fun anyway.
Naomi,
I so enjoy your willingness to be you. You inspire me to just be more me. I have a big ol’ heart boner for you right now. :)
“(As subletters, we are basically negroes as far as she’s concerned.)”
Naomi, that’s fucked up. (Not the sentence, that you were treated that way). Most folks don’t know what inconsideration (is that a word?) feels like until they themselves have experience it.
I pray you, Jack and your hubbie feel better all the way around.
Wow. Yuck. ((Hugs))
Janet’s suggestion with the lavender oil is good (lavender essential oil aids healing).
You may also want to take a look at this: http://drfuhrman.com/disease/ChildrensHealth.aspx
Just remember to feel sorry for those folks who don’t know how to be decent. You only have to put up with them for an hour or two. They have to live with themselves all the time. That’s true poverty.
Welcome to T.O. I hope this strange ‘ol city isn’t treating you too badly. It seems like a grouchy town, but when push comes to shove we show our true colours, and when it comes to colours, it’s hard to beat this place. We’ve mixed every culture from all over the world into one city. Sure, we’re not quite sure what to make of ourselves, but hey, we haven’t had a war in almost 200 years! Toss out a few smiles, and you’ll get some back!
Oh my gosh. I can totally relate! What a great post to remind all of us we are not immune to the happenings of life. Hope you get some maintenance help soon.
I’m still thinking about your chair post too! :-)
Naomi: I’m so sorry for your incredibly shitty day, and I’m so grateful that what came out of it was this amazing post. This just really spoke to me, I was so there with you on your journey, feeling all the same feelings, and then the perspective at the end — whoosh! That it’s always going to be a roller coaster, even when you’re doing the work you’re meant to do in the world. Somehow, knowing that seems to help me move forward with my own itty biz. Thank you for that, and a big hug to you for less agita in the days ahead.
I’ve been looking for this exact info on this subject for a while.
A link to your site was given on a topic on a garden networking site that I belong to. You write in a way that totally engages the reader, what I have read is gold standard.
This incident says it all, it picks up the mindless obstruction of the indifferent and those who couldn’t care less.
Thank you for the wakeup call! I have eaten up 4 years of my life online in hopes that I can start earning big and be done with all of that…but I see that you’re never really done with it because life is unpredictable and really, we only have what God gives us in the end.
Course I’ll still keep trying because we need to survive :) but it’s a good reminder for me to make time for what’s really important because the rest is only temporary.
oh and btw be careful with the lavender oil suggestion it can be bad for you I wouldn’t put it on a baby!