Nov
11
Everything You Need To Know About SEO. Or Not.
Every now and again at IttyBiz, when we get big surges in traffic or subscribers, we run a little system to separate the wheat from the chaff. We write something potentially inflammatory, like yesterday, and then we run something ridiculous, like today.
We figure if you stay, we can officially count you. Before you’ve been around for the offensive and the ludicrous, you might just think this is a nice, sensible blog and be in for a massive shock later. We wouldn’t want that.
Yesterday, it was brought to my attention that we hadn’t done a Stupid Search Terms piece since March of last year. I apologize for this grievous error. (If you missed it and hate your job today, read last year’s 12 Stupid Search Terms and 1 Very Important Lesson here.)
Since then, we’ve written a book on search engine optimization, and have thus had an unseemly increase in relevant search traffic. I was a little concerned that there wouldn’t be anything good to pick from.
Let’s just say I worried needlessly, shall we?
Therefore, for your education and entertainment, here are some of the completely unedited search terms that people have used to find this very website. (If you’re new to the internet, it would be helpful for you to know that real human people typed these things, verbatim, into Google. Just know that going in, ok?)
+”whipped cream” +”ass”
Do you know what this means? This means somebody went to the trouble of going into the advanced search function for this. It means that “whipped cream ass” wasn’t giving them specific enough results.
“be nice to everyone or just family”
Neither? Is neither an option?
“demographic of shoes”
Hmm. I wonder what kind of a person would buy shoes? Maybe I should ask someone. Hmm. Who should I ask? I know. GOOGLE.
“gettysburg what should have been done differently”
Oh, honey. Don’t even get me STARTED.
“hijack steve pavlina”
Dammit. I knew I should never have published my sinister plan on the internet.
“im drunk can i have a neo citran”
I can’t help but wonder if this person was wondering if it was OK to take Neo Citran when drunk, or if they were actually hoping Google would go and make them one and they could download it.
“starfuck tutorial”
Please, people? Please? We went through this last year! Can somebody just write a fucking book on this already so I stop getting the traffic?
“twitter is scary”
Yes. Yes, it is.
“what is vegas in two words”
Ooh, pick me! I know this one! I know this one! LAS Vegas.
“two business marketing ideas”
Because it’s always wise to have a backup plan.
“how to tell if a guy is good in bed by the way he walks”
If you have the answer to this, please leave it in the comments, along with the email address associated with your PayPal account, so I can send you $47 along with my heartfelt gratitude.
my husband is spying on me i can’t figure out how
He probably started by checking your search history.
you damn cheerleader bitches listen to the coach. this is a man that launches careers
Well, exactly. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
A few more, just for fun:
“anti social we’re anti social don’t give a fuck what we say or do”
“charlie gilkey wife”
“i hate this anxiety i feel when im not with you i hate feeling so hollow without having you for me to breath in its times like these that i feel as though i truly love you and i cant be without you”
“poem about dumb ex husbands”
“las vegas hooker trading cards”
See? Isn’t your day better now?
One more thing and you can go back to work
Marketing School went up for sale yesterday. Like pretty much everything else on this website — as clearly evidenced by our exemplary search traffic — the sales page isn’t really safe for work. Also, obviously, there are ninjas. Check it out here.
My day is much better. I wish I had some like that on my site!
Mine are all boring.
Andrew
My search terms are so boring compared to yours. I have been getting a lot of traffic for “voice testimonials” and “good is the enemy of great.” Maybe I need to write more posts about naked mole rats. That would get some interesting search traffic . . . albeit useless for my business.
So like the last search term post, are you going to let us know what articles those search terms landed on? That was half the humor in the last search post.
Good of you to ask about where they landed, and if I had any sense I would put them up because it would make a great sneeze page for the newbies. But it’s a surprising amount of work, hooking up those pages, and I just did the SpeakEasy call today and feel like doing nothing but answering blog comments and daydreaming about naps.
But yes. Perhaps in future.
HA! I love finding good search terms. I wrote a post called “Naked Face” late this summer, and LOVE the hits I’m getting for people searching for Naked + YouNameIt. Also? I’ve so gotten that Vegas hooker trading cards one, but that’s probably because I have a picture of me rummaging through some posted.
So, speaking of Marketing School — I bought it yesterday and am about 1/2 way through. It’s EXCELLENT!
I’m at a point where I really need to know what to do next and MS and the exercises (yes, the exercises!) are forcing me to think about my goals and how I can get my stuff out there.
Great product, Naomi. Thanks.
Aww! Thank you! I’m so glad you like it!
Most of mine are really boring, but I just looked and found three that weren’t.
1) emails from the dead
2) how to fix a broken bra strap
3) jodi rules web.com
OMG, I love this. I have so much to learn about SEO (yup, I have the book, I’m just implementation-challenged), and sometimes (okay, all the time) I feel ridiculous about the search terms that get people to my site. Totally irrelevant. For awhile I have been page one of “Seinfeld Pilot.” And that’s just weird. And awesome.
I got “using dogs for shark bait” recently. Made my week :)
You totally missed a great “real lesson” opportunity.
“im drunk can i have a neo citran” Assuming this person was interested in alcohol / neo citran interaction and safety, it’s an odd way to search for it. I would have searched for “alcohol neo citran interaction and safety” Because I’m a computer geek and I understand about search algorithms.
But this guy, some drug company’s potential customer, isn’t thinking about Google. He’s thinking about himself, and asking the question as though he’s talking to a human. The lesson: Don’t write about your solution, write about the problem it solves. That’s what people are searching for.
And by the way: “how to tell if a guy is good in bed by the way he walks” Simple. Look at how I walk. Does he walk exactly like that? Then he’s good in bed. You’re welcome, you can send the payment to the tip jar on my site.
Hmm, I thought I posted a reply, but maybe not.
I checked my keywords and I had:
* emails from the dead
* how to fix a broken bra strap, and
* jodi rules web.com
Maybe somewhere in all of this is an explanation for why the post I wrote on my blog about baking a purple wedding cake for a friend’s wedding is the post that gets ALL (and I do mean like 99.9%) of the spam comments?
No, probably not. But I do have a sense that there’s some sort of weird correlation. Somewhere.
See, if you write about sex, drugs, hookers, and marketing, you get all sorts of weird but funny crap.
There are a surprising amount of people that find my site because of the terms “leech” and “leeches.” Some poor person probably has a leech attached to their bits and show up to hear me ramble about metaphorical leeches. Needless to say, they don’t stay long.
And something’s wrong when people type in “charlie gilkey wife” and wind up here. Aside from the obvious question of “WTF?” for the phrase, there’s the whole problem of why they didn’t end up on my blog.
My day is better, except for the nagging questions in the last paragraph. :p
Thanks for this. Good laughs.
OMG is all I can say! Too funny – thanks for sharing;)
I can also tell you how to tell if a man is good in bed by the way he walks: His walk is kind, gentle and attentive, yet animalistic, powerful and commanding. Also he has a taut bum, apparently the power of a man’s hips is relevant. I’d recommend watching Steve McQueen. Or Drew. I’ll take my $47 in sexual innuendo, thanks.
As for the meat of the article, for a while there in 2002-2003, one of my websites was the only (ONLY!) result on Yahoo! search for “flashing sorority girls”, but only if you used the quotes. Those were the best of times. Since it was a literary journal, our bounce rate was pretty high for this search.
Epic. I think my favorite has to be the gettysburg one. IttyBiz is definitely the most fun marketing blog I’ve read in a long time (and I’ve read a LOT). So keep up the good work!
If you use enough ludicrously overblown metaphors or dubious references in your blogging, you’ll probably eventually attract sufficiently unsettling search keywords. I take great pride in mine.
Am kinda jealous of “im drunk can i have a neo citran” though.
I have some interesting ones:
“giant cock paper” – (blame that one on Merlin Mann)
what to do when your in love with your brother in law – ?
the inlaw problems is it solvable – ??
i’m scared to be me – oo, girl. I’m sorry :(
and last but not lease:
“ittybiz features vs benefits” – !
Judging by my Google keywords, I’m apparently a life coach who deals with self esteem and in-law issues.
Which is kinda like fixing people’s tech problems, I guess.
Also, bugger. I can’t type on this darn macbook keyboard. :|
I feel kind of dirty for how long I spent staring at that first one and imagining all the non-ideal results they could be getting. I am a bad, bad person.
Which is, of course, why I adore you!
Brilliant!
Questions to which my readers are no closer to having answers:
how do you turn your self into a fairy princess?
how do you say ‘say hello to my little friend’ in Japanese?
how many cells do crows have?
Thanks, much needed smiles. Keep up the great stuff!
I think the funniest ones for me are
“Finnish girls”
“will drinking beer give me a beer belly?”
“fat boy syndrome”
“before and after girls on creatine” – wtf???
I forgot how awesome your blog was/is – and I am glad I actually took the time actually view what’s in my reader instead of marking everything read.
Thank you so much for some well-needed laughs. For some reason “what is vegas in two words” really made me laugh out loud.
My own search terms are very pedestrian in comparison. But I had one recently that makes me smile every time – “33rd birthday” socks. I’m not sure why 33rd birthday is in quotes and socks isn’t. And I’m not sure what they are. But I think I really want some.
i have been following your blog for a few weeks now because you have a fuckton of good advice. the only problem is every time i read something that leads me to 5 other posts which each lead me to 5 more and before i know it my kids are starving and my house is trashed. but your posts are so entertaining i just can’t stop, and i am afraid i might miss something really good. so i just thought i would post for the first time ever to tell you that i am one of the ‘new traffic’ who is going to stay.
Every time I see someone say that they spit out their drink over something funny I think it’s a huge exaggeration. So now I’ve had my comeuppance becuase I jsut got cracker crumbs all over my laptop and desk. Thanks (really!)
“completely unedited search terms that people have used to find this very website.”
For me, the funny was in the mis-reading of the syntax or intent or something of that intro sentence, because my brain read it as if they knew they were looking for Itty Biz and that typing in “whipped cream” and “ass” in an advanced search would definitely get them there. Although I have been known to catch on to the oddest parts of things, and could see myself deliberately looking for a blog because of some random phrase that had stuck in my head. But I usually bookmark those blogs :)
Oh to wonder the ins and outs of SEO. I didn’t know what that was a few months ago. Now my goal is to make “leprechaun slavery” bring up my site. “Whipped ass cream” would be a close and nastier second.
Oh my fucking god. I just spat on my laptop.
It’s a sad indictment of my life that this is the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks.
Does it count if I can tell you how a guy will walk by how he is in bed?
LOL! My God, this was freakin’ hilarious …
I didn’t know people typed that kinda stuff into Google …
Awesome blog! I’ve been keeping a notebook full of stupid human searches, and I think you’ve finally inspired me to put them in a blog… ha! I can’t wait! Ugly Moms, here I come…
An article marketing strategy it’s one of the most effective and most targeted methods to bring customers , but if your strategy consists in simply submitting an article or two each week, your results will be probably very poor, that’s why you unquestionably should put some money in automation tools. Article spinner and submitter tools are the most effective ones you can use that are going to massively facilitate your article marketing efforts.
I don’t know how long it will be until Naomi nukes your comment, so I’ll make this quick: You are the scum that makes people hate Internet marketing. You break Google and make the Internet suck.
From your site: “The number one reason for writing articles is to get high quality backlinks and targeted traffic to your site.” No. The number one reason for writing articles is to educate, entertain or inform. If you just want traffic, go into porn and leave the grownups alone.
From the site you’re linking to: “Discover Magic Article Rewriter, The Ultimate Solution That Automatically Produces Up To 1000 Unique High Quality Articles In Less Than 5 Minutes!” BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!!!!! That’s not writing. And that’s not high quality. That’s rehashed garbage that’s not even as good as the original.
You call it “white hat” but article spinning is designed to circumvent Google’s duplicate-content penalty. It litters search results with redundant crap and pushes genuinely useful, unique, original content out of reach behind piles of your crap.
Go away. No one likes you. You are a selfish, amoral person who seeks to profit at the expense of everyone else. Burn your computer and go do something useful for a living, like scraping gum off the bottom of subway seats.
A profitable and effective article marketing strategy has numerous ingredients that all work together to give you a resource called “credibility. If your article marketing strategy provides solution-oriented content, your overall marketing efforts will turn into a strategy for success. The main element of article marketing is to get visitors to your website and create fantastic backinks. Getting backlinks will give you greater rankings on search engine result pages and consenquently more traffic. To accomplish this, you definitely need to use automation tools. Working on article marketing without some tools can get really overwhelming and time consuming.
Damn, dude, again? Piss off, you suck.
I like how you catch the heart and soul of the message, really good writting style, I enojoyed it!