Feedback Wanted: The No Asshole Rule
Hey, y’all. IttyBiz need your help.
There is a commentator who comes to this blog a couple of times a week seemingly just to be an asshole. This individual stops by every now and again ostensibly joining the community but only has one topic to discuss: why I am dumb and they are not dumb. It seems like everything I do inspires this individual to tell me how retarded I am. If they cannot find anything to act superior about they generally remain silent.
I have seen this person on other blogs doing the same thing. I was on the phone with a particularly prominent blog consultant a while back and he told me that the pain in the ass factor of this individual made him not want to leave comments on my blog anymore. Nobody wants to come just to be argued with.
I read a book one time — shocker — something pathetic like Chicken Soup for the Soul, version 143. There was a story about a grandma who had a rule.
Let nothing pass your lips that is not true, kind, and necessary.
Now, if I only ever said things that were true, kind, and necessary I would be out of a job. But I try to follow at least two of them at any given time.
This commentator tends to err on the side of truth with a fairly casual disregard for kindness and necessity.
Here’s the thing. I don’t mind general assholes. Remember Tomato Guy? He follows me on Twitter and stops by every now and again to let me know how much he hates me, which is cool. I’m down with that. He doesn’t pretend to be anything other than a hater and I respect him for his honesty.
But this commentator is pretending to be a part of the home business community here and on other blogs and it’s really fucking pissing me off.
So I want your thoughts on what I should do. I’ve thought of a few options:
1. Email the commentator politely but firmly. Something along the lines of “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
2. Email the commentator with “Get out of my fucking shop”.
3. Call the commentator out on the blog and we can all beat them up. (Did you see what happened to Oscar?)
4. Delete the comments on an ad hoc basis.
5. Do nothing.
As you can tell from the content of this website I don’t dig censorship, but I also don’t want readers making other readers uncomfortable. It’s my party and I don’t want everybody to leave.
So what’s your vote? I would especially like to hear from you lurkers who don’t normally comment. What do you think?
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I suppose I’d try #1 first, but #2 is certainly more satisfying. It’s a shame that some people have nothing better to do than to crap in the collective punchbowl.
Personally, I’d like to perform a little microsurgery and fit these kinds of people with receivers that, when the signal is activated, gives them immediate explosive diarrhea.
Nothing fatal, but just so they know what it’s like to deal with unexpected shit when you don’t want it.
I think I would handle it in a private e-mail
Hard to know without the context. With your open language policy it may make this individual more gutsy to be brash. On the other hand if this person is like that everywhere…
Do you think this person is aware of this charactor trait or is it one of those general glass half empty people that doesn’t even realize they are doing it.
Probably wondering…I wonder if she is talking about me?
I vote for #1 or #4. Of course, you might enjoy #2 or #3 more, but you have to be careful of making public enemies with people like that.
But even though you don’t censor stuff here, I certainly think that it’s your blog– so if people aren’t adding value, their voice doesn’t need to be welcomed.
Good luck….
This guy sounds like he is extremely jealous of you probably because a. You are a strong woman who speaks her mind and some guys just can’t handle that or b. He is just an asshole or c. Both. I would choose c.
I like to argue, but there is a polite way to do it before it gets out of hand and people start flaming eachother. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with someone in an appropriate way. In fact, I kinda like it.
If it was me I would politely say look, I’m giving you a warning. Say your piece in a nice way, or if you don’t I’m deleting you.
And I thought the tomatoe guy was legit, and I even added him on Twitter! And I don’t even like tomatoes!
I suppose this is the price of fame, Naomi. Well, you have people that will stick by you.
Alrighty…here’s the requisite. I’m a first time poster but long time lurker.
In reading the post, the immediate thought was of the Oscar Incident. While I don’t think that blogger meant to beat him up, the effect drove the dude of the Interweb.
There’s an ebook by Ken Evoy called “Why People Fail.” He doesn’t sell it. Heck, he doesn’t even often mention it. That is until the Get the —- Out of My Shop moment when he fires a customer.
Not only will he fire you but he’ll do it for all to see (if it’s someone transgressing in his forums) AND tell you which personality you are in Why People Fail.
Sigh, good times.
Before he goes there, however, he’ll point out why the behaviour is unacceptable (your #1). If they continue, they get fired in public (#3). For those that are not up to the point of being fired, he may do a Street Fighter style combo similar to #1 and #4. Comments won’t be deleted but the person gets a “time out.”
Hey, what else can you do when grown folks act like they didn’t graduate kindergarten?
I would just quietly delete his comments. There’s no need to email him as I’m sure he read this post. People on the internet are always screaming about CENSORSHIP but it’s your space to do with as you please. Of course people don’t want to read blogs that delete every negative comment because that is boring, but that’s clearly not what’s going on here.
If it’s not useful and it’s not even entertaining then it’s adding nothing to this blog. Just delete and move on.
The latest bitch magazine had a really good article about dealing with attacks online (they were talking about shut down your website, death-threat attacks but same principles apply).
Maybe a combo of #2 and an IP block. I love IP blocks, its like they don’t even exist. :)
I agree with Laura - quietly delete, or better yet, block that person completely (surely your blogging platform gives you that capability?).
As you said, it’s your party. No point in trying to have any type of conversation b/c the other side is uninterested in a real discussion.
I’d agree with Laura, and just delete his comments, honestly, for the same reason she said - he probably has already read this post, and unless he’s incredibly dense, knows that it was about HIM.
Otherwise, I would say do #1 first, and then a varation on #3 - maybe a simple ‘Here are my roolz for comment conduct’ comment back to the comment poster.
Or you could flame him all up one side and down the other. ;) I’m sure you’ll do the smartest thing, even if it’s not what you’d LIKE to do.
That’s just wrong.
Maybe we can *all* email him and tell him to stop.
Your comment space is a big deal. I promise I won’t use any squiffly web 2.0 feelgood language to describe it, but it’s your hangout and I think it provides a lot of important energy to what you’re doing. I wouldn’t let anyone piss in it.
I don’t think it’s possible to quietly delete them. Probably some form of, “Dude/gal, it’s a free internet but you are harshing the mellow of my people, and my people are important. So you have to be nice or I will delete you, and I am the sole queen and arbiter of what is nice. Life is not fair.”
I would not be surprised at all if it was one of those tone things. It’s snarky here, the person thinks s/he is being snarky and fitting in, instead of coming across as mean and shitty. Just a wild ass guess based on a complete inability to figure out who you are talking about.
To which I can just add, “gaaaaaaah” because I would absolutely literally rather have a root canal than do this myself.
(Of course I think the asshole is me. Don’t we all?)
Another lurker - although I think I may have left a comment some time back :-)
Have you contacted the other blogs where you’ve seen this guy’s commenting activity, to ask a) if they or their readers find him a problem; and b) what, if anything, have they done about it?
I’m all for letting someone know gently (in an email) that their manner is starting to grate on others — an understatement maybe — and letting them know that their contributions are welcome in future so long as they are constructive and fair. You’re likely to get one of the following responses: a) no response - the guy never comes back (and not a bad thing from the sound of it); b) positive response - he mends his ways and is constructive, not to mention witty and erudite and a model commenter from now on; c) negative response - he starts angrily flaming you with **expletive deleted** abuse, which you can censor with a clear conscience. Whether you choose to go down this path depends on the likelihood you think his response will be hostile, and whether you’re prepared to wear that.
Two words: ignore him.
And that goes for everyone who comments here. Surely, we all remember the world of online discussion forums — those cesspools of Web 1.0, havens for anonymous bullies to inflate their meager senses of self-worth. Yes, I’m talking about trolls.
Same rules apply in Web 2.0.
Since I loved your “Get out of my fucking shop” post, I’m tempted (very tempted!) to vote for it, but if it happened on my blog, I’d probably block his IP without notice. Perhaps you could write general “comment rules” (”If you’re an a, b or c, I’ll kick you out of my shop”).
If this person wasn’t aware of what he was doing, he probably is now, so if the behavior doesn’t change chances are he’ll never get it, so why expend energy on an asshole?
Is this the guy you mentioned in a comment on RogueInk about his proximity and industry?
If you WILL need a pro in his field, it’s a trickier matter. The globe shrinks as this picket fence called the internet encircles us… this post might be all that’s needed.
If it’s only bothered you and MM, maybe the quiet delete (or a set-it-and-forget-it IP block, per Jon, so you don’t even have to see the junk) will prevent it from bugging anyone else.
But I read the comments to all your posts (so much edutainment) and hadn’t noticed anything off-putting… that’s what I’d like to hear from your readers: “anyone else holding back or irked by this person’s comments?” — I’d have thought that any writing that doesn’t really ADD VALUE (as many of your commentators do) just fades as non-existent, in the life’s too short department.
Too bad this stuff comes up, but you’re handling it perfectly — professionally out in the open. Actions have consequences, as most of us kindergarteners have learned.
And forgotten.
And relearn all the time…
At the risk of saying something nice about Tim Ferris (whoops, I’m doing it right now), the guy has a very clear, very fair comments policy posted right above the comments field. And I quote:
“Comment Zen: Remember what Fonzie was like? Cool. That’s how we’re gonna be — cool. If you’re not, we’ll delete your stuff. Also, please use cursing artfully if you must, and put your URL in the “website” field and not in the comment box. Danke and have fun! (Thanks to Brian Oberkirch for the inspiration)”
The nice thing about an open policy like that is no one thinks you’re a fascist if you follow it. It’s part of your whole “making this a comfortable space for the people who love you” job to keep a few haters out.
Or at least the incoherent obnoxious ones.
It’s your living room and you’re not a wacko for to not letting people pee in it. And everyone else will respect and love you madly for doing it.
Don’t the Brits spell tomato with an e? I keep mispelling it and it’s driving me nuts. I am an American tomato.
There is the slightly more sinister problem of vindictive stalkers. I wonder about what mentally imbalanced people are capable of. You never know. Do you think he/she is that type of person?
I don’t think it’s a good idea to gang up on anybody. Even assholes. People like to play the superior game because they feel insecure and small and they feel it makes them larger.
Now I’m going to have to go through all your comments!
I’m sorry I’m babbling on here.
I love option #2. Really enjoying your posts lately. :)
Notified said troll that he is being a troll, and if he decides not to amend his trollish ways, delete the comments. Generally trying to add value is one thing; being a complete ass is another. Then again, I think calling him out so we can all beat him up may be immensely gratifying, in a perverse “Charlie shouldn’t be thinking and saying it” kind of way.
Asking this turkey to stop will only feed his ego and give him an excuss to respond. To borrow from Forest Gump — Asshole is as asshole does. I hear what you’re saying about censorship but, this is your blog and you have a right to moderate. I would do as follows:
1. Create rules or guidance for what you consider fair game on your blog. “No personal attacks” is a good one. “Truthful” is another.
2. Moderate according to the rules you made — this of course means you dare not break any of your own rules or suffer the concequences.
You won’t be blacklisting individuals or subjects — just behavior. Assholes are an unfortunate fact of life but you don’t have to permit them to misbehave on your forum.
I like options 2 and 3 but in reverse order.
What would be really interesting is if you had a follow up post asking readers if they can guess who the asshole commentator is…
@Michael Martine: You once made a comment about creative ways to get people to check out your old posts. How about “guess the asshole”?. Then everyone would go through your old posts to check out the comments :)
my 2c:
I would definitely try to stop the comments coming in in the first place, either by blocking or confronting - you don’t want to dread reading your blog comments all the time because there’s a chance mr nasty trashmouth has made an appearance.
@ Ellen - I have to say I totally agree with you here. No one likes to see someone being ganged up on, even if they are being an asshole.
To many others: Thanks for the idea of a “comment rules”. I’m not sure how we missed that (perhaps we thought they were unnecessary?) but it’s a very good idea. I’m going to work on getting something out soon. No one likes to see someone punished for something they didn’t realize was unacceptable either.
I’d do both #1 and #4.
I agree with the rules idea. That way you know (and we know) that when you’re deleting a post, it’s not a whimsical decision by a comments tyrant, but a particular boundary that you’ve set and that you take responsibility for. It’s still an “assailable” position - someone can cry “unfair” - but if we all know the rules, then it will be obvious who the asshole is, and we’ll have your back. Or something.
I vote for Number 2!!! Clearly the guy has a problem and is just trying to stir the pot. If he thinks you’re stupid, why the hell does he keep coming back here? Just to cause problems. There are other websites and blogs that I can’t stand, so I just don’t go there anymore. He’s just here to cause a problem, so I’d tell him to get the hell out, then just block him from posting anything futher. It’s your site, your livelihood and your reputation at stake. Don’t take it.
I used to take the time to write nice long emails to people and explain why their personality trait or behavior or whatever was not acceptable in a given context… I always started with the, “you could improve x with y” type criticism that tried to be positive rather than harsh.
Now, fuck it, three or four strike and I just block the commenter from commenting. It *is* my party (well, when it’s my party) and I will edit the guest list if needed.
I pretty much only do this for spam or extreme haters. I don’t mind a dissenting opinion or healthy discussion. But I don’t have time for people who piss in the soup the rest of the guests are eating. And I don’t feel that I need to explain that most guests prefer their soup without *that kind* of salty seasoning.
I guess I kind of feel that most negativity is an inept form of seeking attention, which I don’t want to validate. A summary ban expresses my displeasure, solves the public problem, and doesn’t require me to get even a little involved with a person who’s already kind of lost my interest.
I’ve been playing ‘guess the asshole’ and I think I may have figured it out…but I shan’t name names. ;)
If it’s who I think it is, I don’t think they’re being a troll so much as just being an arrogant, greater-than-thou type. Tricky. I think having a set of comment rules are a good idea (you should still do that). But I don’t know if they’d really be breaking them, you know?
This is your blog, your ‘living room’, it’s not a big public forum…it’s your personal space (that you pay for) and you can have anyone in it that you please. So I say block the IP if it continues.
Screw ‘em.
I’ve been a lurker for some time. There are some very useful comments here.
The thing that seems to jump out in my mind is the “attention” factor. Most people that are arrogant and condescending do so out of a desire to be recognized. it’s usually because they’re incompetent to begin with, and they know it. They are constantly searching for the “approval” of their peers for their “superior” ideas.
There are two ways to position yourself relative to your peers. 1. Become a better person and elevate yourself, or, 2. Grab hold of everyone that’s above you and drag them down to your level. Your rogue commenter has unfortunately chosen the 2nd.
Also, once you pay attention to the commenter by doing your number 3, you may only encourage him (or her!) to become more of an asshole! Choice 1 or 2 may work but probably won’t, it may only be a short term fix.
I’d deal with him the same way I’d deal with a stalker. I’d ignore them, quietly delete their posts or block their IP, and pay them no attention whatsoever. Any feedback, positive or negative, to a stalker type is just fuel for further action on their part.
Have some rules you can fall back on and blame. “Sorry, it’s the rules! I had no choice!” and then delete, delete, delete. Pay them no attention, give them no feedback, just totally ignore them while doing the above. Eventually, they’ll move on to an easier target.
Hi there, I have been following you from a long time ( well more than three months, that’s a lot for a humble spectator) and I have to admit I have like a fatal attraction, to this site or to you, ( it’s the same right??).
I have not figure out yet what is it, when I’m so far I will let you know. Regarding this nothing-better-to-do-retarded-commentator dilema, my opinion is from the 5 options you have you should do 4 of them, because like Seth Godin said recently “The best choice is to choose”. Well have fun kicking him out of here!!
Hi Naomi, lurker here… What about blocking his IP address? Then you can just forget about him and move on like he never existed. That’s pretty much the worst thing you can do to him. I doubt emailing or any other contact will help. It’s likely he already knows he’s an asshole and simply doesn’t care.
Lurker here. I don’t know if it fits your style, but if it’s possible to resolve privately (via email) shouldn’t that be the first thing to explore? You never know until you at least try.
I would have suggested publicizing a comment policy of “personal attack comments will be deleted” but I’m not sure if that violates your view of non-censorship.
What I find interesting is that you don’t mind attacks from the Tomato Guy, but it’s different with the commenter in question. If non-censorship is pretty important to you, then #3 or #5 would make more sense; again, depending on your style.
@ Jason K — I can see why the difference between Tomato Guy and this person seems weird to a normal person. For me, the issue is that Tomato Guy hates me and is a pain in MY ass. This person is a pain in other people’s asses. Like, if you’re going to go to a party and talk shit to someone, at least have the decency to do it to the host and not the other guests.
Thanks to everyone so far, especially the lurkers!
Blogs which create communities have a clear and honest voice. Unfortunately there are misfits who can’t make the distinction between conversational posting and doing whatever they want or like in any community there are always assholes who ruin stuff for everyone else.
If you are truly concerned about this person don’t let him get away with it and don’t let him go any further. If community action is needed to flame the person out then don’t hesitate to call on everyone here to support you before things go any further. It would be a shame to be tainted by the type of loser who succeeded in bringing down Kathy Sierra.
Don’t just suck it up and become a victim, if you need help it’s here waiting.
How about using Disquss to power comment management and let your faithful reader bury comments from assholes?
1 and 2 are the obvious choices, but I think 3 would be immensely satisfying. It’s hard to ban people from a site without using ip blocking tools, and to be honest you shouldn’t have to.
I like the idea of calling them out and letting the community eat ‘em alive.
#3 would probably just result in the whole comment community getting nasty…
I’d start with #1, followed by #4, and possibly an ip ban. However, in the current age of dynamic ips and NAT, ip ban can be both non-effective and block innocent people.
My first reaction to this was “it is me?” I’m quite frank and not always that gentle and nothing I have written here, not even this one, has been _really_ necessary. But then I remembered I had not commented for a while and figured it was prolly someone else =)
DNFTT :Stands for Do Not Feed The Trolls.
Trolls are defined by Wikipedia as someone whose comments are made just to piss people off. Confronting a troll is pointless. (Just got off that merry-go-round myself!)
It is your party. The troll wants to make it his/her party… or failing that the troll wants to ruin the party for your guests.
If it were me, I wouldn’t allow his comments to appear and I wouldn’t try to communicate with him.
It helps me to assign the “troll” label to this kind of person. That visual makes it easier to do what needs to be done. For me, that meant I had to LET IT DROP! (So not my style!) His comments won’t appear on my blog anymore AND he won’t get the satisfaction of a reaction from me on ANY level… public or private.
I’ll vote for you to do (1) and then (4).
There is no need for you to go down to his level, which is what (2) and (3) suggest.
He’ll move on and look for someone else to tangle with.
Regards
I have some thoughts. (I always do.)
I have a feeling the person you’re referring to is just a general crank. He’s not flaming you or being abusive, he’s just someone that cranks and grumps, and people don’t find themselves enjoying his company.
Remember that it takes all kinds to make a world. Being rude because someone is a crank, to me, isn’t justifiable behavior. There’s a reason people are cranky and grumpy and being assholes. Maybe it’s something deeper, something that matters - cancer? A bad marriage? A failed business? Low self-esteem?
I think if someone is rude to others on your blog or condescending with his or her comments, it’s your right to publicly jump in and say, “Play nice, please.”
I also think it’s your right to email someone and say, “Hey. I really enjoy that you participate, but your comments are pretty sour and I’m wondering if there’s something up?”
Talk first. Find out what’s going on before you arbitrarily start slicing. It’s just not the Canadian way to censor and use the “my blog, my rules” route. Point in case: You asked the group what they feel. Were you not Canadian, you wouldn’t have taken that route (in my opinion.)
There’s a difference between someone being a rude, flaming, trolling asshole and someone being an ass because he or she is snarky/grumpy. Do the right thing, address the person in private, and if it doesn’t work out, then deal with the matter appropriately.
I can’t imagine how this guy is any different than someone’s opposition you would meet in real life. Your last post about your family wanting you to fail is pretty poignant and realistic.
My mom still asks me if I really wanted to get married. She’s scared my marriage will end up like hers though there is no reason to feel that way.
While I’m not saying this guy is showing cautious concern for you, perhaps he is bringin up legitimate points of discussion. I’m dying to read something he wrote now, by the way, but I think you can do two things:
1. Try to engage w/ him and see what his beef is. Not having read his objections there is no way to know if he is simply hoping for more dialogue or just an asshole.
2. If he is truly a troll, ignoring him is the best policy.
I’d contact them by email first. He probably knows exactly what he’s doing, but there’s an off chance he’s completely socially clueless. He might appreciate a quick note and a second chance. If his just being a jerk, tell him to GTFOOMS and block his IP.
Okay - I thought I’d fess up that I’ve been known to be an asshole as a commentator, but more out of utter desperation than anything else.
Here is a post I wrote after a series of angry rants on one of my favorite blogger’s sites. Rebecca Thorman of Modite treated me with the patience of a little old nun. And she’s a young hip awesome writer…go figure. While I’m not proud of my craziness, her willingness to engage in dialogue helped foster understanding and new conclusions.
Maybe we can all get along. Maybe this guy could use a little TLC. Or maybe he’s just an asshole.
Just my 2-cents.
Just because you host a house party does not mean it’s an open house free-for-all. If one of the guests has too much to drink, or starts hitting on your spouse, or kicking your dog, or swiping your prescription for your migraines you wouldn’t paste on a grimace and hiss through gritted teeth “what a character, really hacks me off, but I did put out the welcome mat” and blah, blah, blah.
No. You would go and state the guidelines for civilized house partying directly in case they just crawled from under a rock. If it continued you would call a taxi for the drunk or a police escort for the sociopath and close the door firmly behind them on their way out.
Your “real” guests want to know you will look out for their well-being when they are partying at your house.
Naomi,
There are SO many comments here that I agree with in part. My thoughts:
1. Clear comment policy. A lot of people have a variant on the “pretend you’re in my living room” policy, which I think is about it.
2. I, too, have not noticed anybody being horrendous here, and certainly nothing that has given me pause as to whether to hang out in said living room. I am guessing who we are discussing, based on his behavior elsewhere. Naturally, I am guessing Mr. Chartrand. ;) (Kisses, darling…)
3. You could email your thoughts, but if it is the person I assume it is, I doubt the person sees it the way you do. I believe the words “helpful contributor” might even cross that person’s lips. Clear comment policy, then ignore the person.
4. If you have friends who love you here, which you DO, we will beat up a true troll for you, or you will hear a deafening silence regarding his comments. I have seen this happen at many other blogs when a real attention-grabbing jerk hung out for a brief but painful time. It can actually be kind of beautiful to see your community tar and feather your assailant. That’s where the ignoring comes in handy. You know we’ll defend ya with broadswords if we need to, right?
5. If that fails, email Brett. That’s what I do.
Regards,
Kelly
P.S. Wow did you get the lurkers to come out! Cool!
P.P.S. “Squiffly” is my utterly fabulous word of the week. Wow do I love that. Sonia, you are an awesome wordsmith.
When I was doing my Hollywood thing (former failed actress-thank you) I had a female stalker. Talking to them didn’t work, it only made their sociopathic behavior worse and ganging up on them didn’t work it only inflamed their psychosis (and it got BAD!) It was only when I completely cut them off that they went away for good. Now I don’t know if you can use real world tactics in cyberspace but it seems to me this person knows exactly what they are doing and this person will not just politely go away with a nice little chat they have such low self esteem and loathing they resort to attacking other successful people to make them feel superior. Block ‘em, move on and set up some “posting” rules for the psycho’s out there.
The first thing that came to my mind when reading this post was the old story about the Buddhist monk, whom when accused of crimes he was not responsible for, always responded only with, “Is that so?”
I think that the majority of your readers are conscious enough to fully see this individual for what they are, which is unconscious, to say the least. Actually, by not censoring but consistently ignoring negative posts, you present the opportunity for your readers to view the duality which is universally present in all things. In being exposed to the negative we are given the opportunity to appreciate the positive.
Keep on blogging (and shining !)
(Wow! Second comment from a lurker! Which begs the question, “How many comments does a person submit before coming off ‘lurker’ status?”)
I agree with Tammy 100%!
I don’t usually recommend books but one that I give to most of my friends is a book called “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker. Tammy’s approach (and mine!) are consistent with the principles in this book.
Eventually, Naomi, you’ll be so famous and sought after that you’ll have to deal with the stalkers. Consider this a “training event”. :-)
@”cranky pants “- get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?
or
@ Mr. Crankiest of Pants- Thank you for pointing that out. ( Liz Strauss)
Here’s my favorite advice from one of my male friends. I use it in difficult situations when there is no good solution. Because it is the truth.
When someone puts you in an awkward position. Tell them, ” You’ve put me in an awkward position here.” It immediately puts the resolution of said awkwardness on them as well.
This Harry is a gentleman. I asked him, “What happens if they do not rise to the occasion.”
He says, “Well, that’s when you know you’re looking at an ass.”
Eh. Almost everything I was going to say has been said.
Block the IP.
Then grab his e-mail address and sign him up for a bunch of porn subscriptions!
Your dilemma is a challenge but, and I haven’t found a glass that I can’t make half full, there are at least two positives here.
First, you have many people reading and interacting with your blog. This suggests you are doing a fantastic job of providing stimulating content for a large number of people. The fact that you have over 50 very interesting and supportive comments on this post attests to this. But, the price for success is the occasional jerk. Bound to happen. They are out there so statistics alone mean you will get some. The comment rule will give you options to clean things up as necessary.
Second, you have invented a new type of post :-) We know what link bait is. You have invented Lurker Bait. I don’t think I have ever seen so many lurkers come forth on one post and actively identify themselves. This is testimony to the passion and loyalty your readers have for the value you provide. Well done and please keep going.
I vote for 1, then 3 then 4 and an IP ban.
Comment policies are nice and all, but seriously - do we really need to tell grownups to play nice and use their grown-up words?
And how come every time I click on Micheal Martine’s site it appears to be down? :-/
Yo, Naomi.
Here’s the problem with ALL your options: the best solution is mine. I know that you spent some time and energy on this post, and that you are theoretically an expert in your field and all, but I just need you to understand that you are wrong. You are wrong because I am right. That’s how this works.
Gods, it’s a bitch.
All right, serious take on this: I have found that if you just point a finger at an asshole and say, “You, Sir or Madam, appear to be an asshole,” they will immediately deny their assholishness, vehemently and without regard for the facts. However, if you can diagram their assholishness and show it to them - “Look, you are nestled between two fluffy mounds of self-contentment, have a small puckered opening and shit comes out of you,” they will not be able to deny it.
So email the asshole. Send the asshole a little catalog of all the comments he (I need a pronoun, I’m going to assume it’s a guy just because I feel like it) left over the last few weeks. Don’t bother to analyze each individual one, but you can say something like, “Every single one of the comments listed below contributed nothing to the discussion, insulted the intelligence of me and my readers, and was generally just NOT COOL,” he’s not going to be able to email you back and say, “No they didn’t.”
Actually, he will. That seems to be his m.o. But he will have a harder time about it, and if he wants to get all up in the blogosphere about it, you can PUBLISH the comments and say to everyone, “SEE?”
My Daddy used to tell me I didn’t have to be louder than the stupid guy, I just had to be smarter.
And you, Nemesis Mine, are pretty freakin’ smart.
::sigh:: I just read James’ post and I really want to agree with James, because it is good to be the bigger person, it is good to have patience, it is good to be understanding of someone’s social ineptitude.
All of these things are good, and I hope that I perform them in my life.
I still think talking to him is a good idea. Maybe a friendly “hey I feel like you’re being an ass in my posts” email first, and then when he denies it, a ‘demonstration-of-your-ass-posts’ email. I don’t know. But I don’t feel like you should have to indulge his behavior over a long period of time just because you’re a better person. Especially when it’s making some of your readers uncomfortable, and it’s lowering your quality of life.
There comes a time, even way back on the playground, when one kid has to look at another and say, “I don’t want you coming over to my house to play anymore.”
In work, “Get out of my fucking shop.”
In colleagues, “I don’t think you and I work very well together, and we should stop trying.”
In the blogosphere, “Hey. You’re making my blog piss ME off, and I don’t want you coming over here to play anymore.”
Tei has just slain me dead with “Look, you are nestled between two fluffy mounds of self-contentment, have a small puckered opening and shit comes out of you.” There is nothing more to be said.
For me it’s coming down to, “you know what? I don’t like having you around. Bye.” Comment policies are certainly good things, but I don’t think they apply here. Basically, this person is just a drag to be around. I don’t know if it’s productive to second guess or wonder why or ascribe it to cancer or childhood issues or a personality disorder. Doesn’t really matter. The person is a drag to be around.
If you absolutely must be saintly & Canadian, I suppose a variant would be, “I don’t like having you around. Let me know if you’d like to do something about that, otherwise bye.” I don’t think the person will actually have any interest in doing that.
@Naomi,
As Kelly says, if nothing else works, email me… I know some people, who know some people, who know a guy named Tony :)
I recommend the Bannage plugin for WordPress. It’s the online equivalent of get out of my fucking shop.
[...] off, thank you everyone for stopping by with your thoughts on yesterday’s No Asshole Rule post. Big supersized lilac colored thank yous to the lurkers — commenting here is not for the [...]
I know it might be hard to do, but ignore him from now on if you can. The twat’s had far more attention than he deserves.
Your blog.
Your rules.
Delete. Block. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
And not even just “your rules,” but it’s your joint and your job to keep the conversation engaging.
It’s possible you are making a mountain out of a molehill. I read your blog pretty regularly and that includes the comments, and I can’t figure out who you’d be talking about. I notice a few other people have the same wonderment, which might mean that however grating this particular pimple is to you, other people may not be noticing it at all?
But on the larger question, absolutely you should block anything you don’t like.
Monday AM…just read your Friday post
I haven’t read all 63 comments, don’t have enough time
Tell assholes to F-off - especially if they are just hanging around to be assholes and have nothing productive and relevant to add. I appreciate an asshole who has either of the above, but if they are just there to be a little shitty person then F-them!
Lastly, as a “lurker” - I’m outted! But let me explain…I’m lurking b/c I’m not ready to reveal my itty biz to the world…I’m getting close and when I am ready… I’ll show my face I promise. I love what you do - you have insipired me in ways that I will forever be grateful. Thank you for saying it like it is and letting me lurk for a little bit longer!
lol, i’d definetly suggest telling him to get out of your f-ing shop, but it make him get worse in defiance, lol. so i’d go with option 1 first, then if that fails maybe option 2.
lol, lmao.
Glad to see that I am still alive and well on this site. However I am more then a little annoyed to see that I’ve been continuously slandered.
So you know, I’ve never been back to this site, never read anything you’ve posted or commented on any posts.
So why do I arrive to claims that I “follow [you] on Twitter and stop by every now and again to let [you] know how much [I] hate [you]”
Obviously you’re not a real journalist, that much is obvious by your style of writing and lack of research. But the least you could do was get some of your facts straight before you slander.
I didn’t finish reading this post any of the comments, I don’t really care about what you have to say, or what you think of me. But if you want to be taken seriously by more people then just your friends, start acting like a mature adult.
I feel pretty safe that I’m not “troll feeding” by posting this comment, since the presumed troll said he/she doesn’t read all the comments. Now that there is a concrete example in this comments thread, I think I understand the dilemma a little better.
Tomatoguy, if he/she is the commenter in question, isn’t contributing to the discussion, but is sticking in judgmental barbs that, at best, muddle the discussion.
Naomi, I don’t know you and can’t claim to be your friend, but I recognize that what you present in this blog, and the effective way in which you present it, has great value, which is why I subscribe.
Beats me, whether it’s good in the long run to let folks like tomatoguy keep hanging around. I don’t like being around people like that, which is why I couldn’t wait to get out of high school.
I re-read the original post. Tomatoguy is referenced as just a “general asshole” which Naomi is “down with…”. The featured character I read as someone else.
However, I do see what you mean about Tomatoguy… :-) (nice post buddy…) By him stopping by, he fulfilled his pre-ordained destiny.
Oop. My bad. Carry on, my wayward Tomatoguy - thanks Rob.
Naomi,
God created the Delete key especially for assholes such as this. Then, block his ISP.
Emails and warnings of any kind won’t work because if he had sense he wouldn’t be shitting on your parade in the first place.
This is your space. You have every right to decide what goes in it.