For reasons that will soon become evident, I have chosen not to run a photo with this post.

a. arrogant; pertly self-assertive; conceited

Balls, Slang: Vulgar.
a. boldness, courage, brassness

Time for a quick self-assessment quiz.

Please answer the following multiple-choice question, identifying the letter that most accurately represents your response.

Someone calls you cocky.

A.) I’m not cocky, I’m confident.
B.) Anything else, including, but not limited to: blushing, lame and self-deprecating jokes, stunned silence, and wild laughter at the sheer ridiculousness of the implication.

If you answered A, yes, you are cocky. I can’t help you. Find another blog. Good night and good luck.

If you answered B, you are a part of the 97.4% of the population who think they suck. Welcome. Enjoy your stay.

Thank you, Naomi. That was very funny and succinct. Why do I care?

Uncocky people don’t like cocky people. This is likely because you are both jealous of them and repulsed by them at the same time. They represent both what you hate and what you aspire to be and have. You want their confidence, their swagger. You also want their jobs. But how do you get what they have without turning the asses that they are?

You need balls.

Having balls is an unappreciated strength. Having balls can open doors and create opportunities like you could never imagine. Having balls will change your life.

There is a person I know very well. He looks a lot like my husband. He is taking something related to computers in school. The school sucks. They are not providing the education he paid for. This is a concern.

One of the classes he’s taking has to do with databases. His teacher, hereafter referred to as “Database Dude”, is not actually a teacher but a database administrator at a very big company nearby. He didn’t think it was necessary to provide his students with a textbook or tutoring or even open office hours. He comes, he babbles, he leaves.

This person who looks like my husband is concerned because many people are failing this class and he doesn’t want to be one of them. Database Dude is being unhelpful, as is the college’s administration. The person who looks like my husband does not know what to do.

His class is divided into three types of people.

Group One does not worry because they are certain they will be fine. They are smart and if they fail this course, f*ck the college, they don’t care.

Group Two is generally hysterical. “OhmygodwhatamIgoingtodo?” whines Group Two. “I’mgoingtofailandIwon’tgetmydegree! ThenI’llnevergetajob! I’llnevergetlaidagain!”

Group Three consists of one man, the one who looks like my husband. He’s calling in favors from every nerd he knows. He’s asking his brother-in-law, his neighbor, some guy his wife met on the internet – everybody. He’s going to figure this out if it kills him. He’s close to knowing more about databases than Database Dude.

Pretend you’re in this situation. You want to be in Group Three.

Cocky people are in Group One. Wimpy people are in Group Two. People with balls are in Group Three.

I’m not going to give you a nice, handy list of ways to get balls, but you need them to run a home business. Balls is not something you can Google. (Well, you could, but I’m guessing you wouldn’t get the kind of results you were looking for.) You just need to be conscious of balls. You need to channel balls. You need to look your life in the eye and say, “I have balls.” (This is very different from looking your life in the balls and saying, “I have eyes.”)

When you’re done, can someone figure out how to get a keyword density on how many times I’ve said “sucks,” “cocky”, “balls”, and “ass” in this post?

And they ask me why I didn’t run a picture.