Here it is, folks: The IttyBiz Gift Guide 2009. It is enormous. You have no excuse not to find something simply brilliant for your aunt’s sister’s boyfriend’s dog trainer. Or your mom, for that matter. Happy browsing!

A Gift For Your IttyBiz

How’s your holiday season looking this year? I’m sure you’ve got presents lined up for your friends, family, loved ones, pets… but aren’t you forgetting someone? What do you mean, who?

Hello! Your ittybiz. That’s right: shouldn’t you do something nice for your small business this year? It’s been working so hard for you — the long hours, plowing through breaks & weekends. Your business is probably feeling a bit like Bob Cratchit right about now. However… Martin Whitmore has a way you can help Bob bring home the biggest Christmas ham. Without breaking Tiny Tim’s piggy bank.

On December 18th, Marty’s throwing a live internet drawing party co-hosted by yours truly. (Well, who else?) We’re going to hang out on a live broadcast, in real time, and watch Marty make great small business illustrations. This is your opportunity to get your ittybiz a little something special for all its hard work and dedication. Marty will draw live blog post doodles, Twitter-style avatars, and header illustrations for your websites — all of which he’ll lay out on camera while we watch, and (in the case of avatars and headers) finish in color to be delivered digitally. If you’ve been waiting for a chance to get great original graphics for your website, this is it. The prices he’s set for the live drawings are killer.

We’ll shoot you more information as it gets closer — but in the meantime, you can check out his IttyBiz Illustration Party page right here.

Now that you have your ittybiz squared away, let’s look at the people presents!

Normal Presents, Like the Ones You Buy For Your Mother

In the category of shwag you can call yourself a good person for buying: Check out Citara‘s jewelry from Turkey. Pretty handmade bracelets and earrings and such, with 30% of your purchase going to businesses that give out microloans and lift people out of poverty. You’d buy this bracelet even if that weren’t true, but it’s nice to know.

Turtle Love Committee sounds like an orgy for reptiles, but it turns out they’re a bunch of local artists making intricate, pretty jewelry, much of it for weddings. They’re a socially conscious company and I think their shop runs on the goodwill of angels or at least biofuel. All their metal and stones is carefully vetted to make sure it doesn’t kill rainforests or endangered tree frogs, and some of their wedding stuff makes me want to divorce Jamie just so he can ask me to marry him again with one of these engagement bands. In case none of that convinces you to check them out, they also make necklaces with T-Rex pendants. Rawr.

Blend Creations makes silver jewelry inlaid with beautiful textured things like Japanese paper and engraved wood and abalone – I bought one for my mom last year and she kind of lost her shit — but what you really need to know is that they also make the Fart Monster, and other Metal for Monsters necklaces that are so damn cute they make your eyes hurt. Also, all the proceeds go to UNICEF, so your Fart Monster (or Zombi, or Sock Monster) has a worthy purpose.

Enchanted Hen, Example Exchange:

“Hey, what kind of stone is that in your necklace?”

“Oh, it’s just a piece of quartz. What’s yours made of?”

“Ostrich eggshell.”

” . . . I hate you.”

One day I woke up and decided my hair wasn’t cool enough, so I buzzed it all off. If I’d known about Pretty Good Things, I might not have had to do that. She’s got fancy bobby pins, hats, headbands, clips, and fascinators to make your hair snazzy. I don’t even know what the hell a fascinator is, but I think Audrey Hepburn used to wear them.

Moving on to art you can’t wear: Laura Tetrault makes really beautiful 5×7 paintings. Like, really beautiful. Stop and look at it and think philosophical bohemian thoughts and feel really profound. This one called The Meeting is worth a look. It’s not often you find original art this pretty for twenty-five bucks. I already own one of Laura’s works and I just bought another one while proofreading this post.

More lovely abstract art, this time from Gallery 523 and the talented Robin Maria Pedrero. Apparently the artists are out this year for the holidays. She’s only got four of these tote bags with her original art on them, but whoever gets them is going to be the coolest reusable bag owner at the natural foods store, which gives them the right to throw hemp seeds down everyone else’s shirts.

Ever afraid to get someone a piece of art because you’re not sure it’s really their style, maybe they’ll hate it, yada ya ya? No one could hate these photographs by Tricia McKellar. They’re just too damn pretty. You can also get prints and postcards if you’d rather have cool stuff to send people than wall art.

Wallets for the blind, distracted, or infirm

OK, when Suzanne sent me an origami wallet, I pretty much thought it was going to be one of those Asian knock off look-how-cool-it-is-because- it’s-Japanese-see? things. You know the ones I mean? For people with cherry blossom lust? I do not have cherry blossom lust, possibly because of that tattoo incident about which I don’t like to speak and to which I am not going to link.

Anyway, the wallet is really cool. I would very strongly recommend it for mothers of young children who do not have the time or hands to root around for stuff, and people with failing eyesight or arthritic hands. If she wasn’t so mean to me, I would get my mother one of these. If you have a mother or grandmother on your list and you have to give them something more expensive than a basket of body washes, get them this. It will look like you love them and understand their needs.

Amy Crook has two ittybizzes: Not Dead Yet Studios and Antemortem Arts. This would reasonably scare you, since she sounds obsessed with death. And yet? No. She does not paint paintings of dead rabbits. (To my knowledge, she has also never boiled a rabbit, which is nice.) Anyway, Amy’s in the SpeakEasy and she was talking about her stuff on a call one time and I begged her to sell me something and she did and it was lovely, so when she suggested being in the gift guide I was like, DUDE. Totally. She can be found in many places, but here’s a link to one of my favourites of hers called Year of the Water Horse. She also has a cool one with a dandelion, although she seems to think it’s a thistle. We will argue about this later.

I sent you over to GlueAndGlitter last year to check out their awesome lunch boxes for grown-ups, but this time I’m sending you over to check out their cupcake aprons. It says right on the description that the cupcake pocket can be used to hold a recipe card, a kitchen utensil, or a beer. Anyone who advocates drinking while playing with a lighted stove is okay by me.

Speaking of cooks. There’s always some aunt or someone who’s a major gourmet and owns all the copper pans in the world and all she does is cook but she owns everything you could possibly give a cook already. Get her something from the Perfect Pear. They have obscure shmancy tapenades and mustards and olive oils and she’ll wet herself with excitement thinking of recipes she can make with them. If she makes something with the White Chocolate Pear Chardonnay Sauce, send it to me by express.

Kim and Jason: If You Don’t Shop Here, You Hate Your Friends

Kim and Jason are among my favourite people in the world. Their aim is to cure adultitis, that thing that makes you turn boring as fuck when you turn 25 or have your first child, whichever comes first. Their store is full of unending delights. Among them? Cookie cutters that make cookies with bites already taken out of them, barbecue forks shaped like swords and, my personal favourite, the welcome mat that reads “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit, LOOK WHO’S HERE!”

Bailey Doesn’t Bark makes really beautiful, strangely elegant stuff for the home, and they’ve got this thing with ants. Don’t ask, just go look. One of the most awesome things they have is the Useful Towel, which is basically like a giant cheat sheet for when your mom’s in town and you want to show her up by knowing how many ounces are in a pound.

Twig makes cushions. Not boring needlepoint cushions. Handmade silk cushions from Scotland with embroidered flowers on them. They’ll make someone you know’s couch very happy one day. I hung out with the Twig lady herself last year and when she said she didn’t have any of her pieces with her we all kind of beat her up. But in a nice way.

We’ve got a few businesses here that want you to know your home is a death trap, but thankfully they can fix that. For example, apparently regular old candles from the dollar store give off toxic fumes, and toxic fumes suck. Sally Lee soy candles come in scents that make me hungry, like Deep Fried Ice Cream and Warm Sugar Cookies, and they won’t kill your family by degrees as they burn. Bonus.

Don’t you hate it when it turns out there’s lead in your noodle bowl? So does Mary Anne Davis. She makes handmade pottery for your table with organic porcelain and all-natural glazes, and her Udon Bowl looks like you could slurp some pretty tasty noodles outta there.

Blushie makes bath and skin care products that look delicious. Like, I kind of want to get a spoon and dig into the winter fig and apple sugar scrub, sort of thing. Also, they do the sustainable-organic thing, and their products are guaranteed to “do the orangutan habitat no harm”. Good to know.

Koru Street says they want to “prove that eco-friendly can be fun, colorful, and even silly sometimes.” I think that’s just their excuse for making pretty stationary out of elephant poop. If that’s not your thing, you should still check out their messenger bags, which are made from vinyl banners that used to be up around Barcelona announcing exhibits and cultural events. They’re pretty rad.

Busy Boomers has a brilliant idea here. You know how your grandma used to make you stuff like hand-knit sweaters and journals covered in pretty paper she’d picked out? Yeah, neither did mine, but if she’d known about these guys, she could have faked it. Really cheap, too.

Knitting lessons you don’t need to leave your house to get

The charming and beautiful Tara Swiger (who, it should be noted, was one of the first members of the IttyBiz 1000 and who also got her own sidebar in Gary Vaynerchuk’s book, Crush It!) makes yarn. If you’ve ever heard me give any kind of a class at all, you’ve heard me refer to her. Repeatedly. To the point of being a teensy bit annoying.

Anyway, now she’s teaching us how to knit. This is good news because I only know how to crochet, and I learned THAT because my ex-mother-in-law thought I was up to no good when I was pregnant with my oldest son and thought it might be a good idea to give me something to do. Therefore… Knitting lessons! On the internets! (Note to my family members reading this and wondering what to get the pottymouth who has everything… I want it in pink.)

If your grandma actually does knit you stuff and she also happens to be seriously old-school about it, Midnightsky Fibers lets you spin your own yarn. And dye it with all-natural dyes. And please the vegan knitters in your life with bamboo fiber instead of goat wool or whatever the hell yarn is usually made out of. For nitpicking picky knitters.

Zombies, Motorcycle Helmets, and Other Random Goodies

That last section was the normal section. This is the random section, the one that’s going to save your ass when you get to that one particular person on your list who’s mad about reading, or convention badges, or gardening. Or puppet theaters. Or undead hordes. You know. That guy.

For example, the history buff: All you can ever think to get him is another book on World War I, right? This time, get him one of these instead. It’s historically accurate and you can threaten the kids with it if they won’t eat their greens. Everyone wins.

Successful Garden Design shows you, and this is going to sound crazy, how to design your garden. This seems stupid unless you know someone who’s just starting to get into gardening, which is when you realize that figuring out how much room tulips need to breathe will slowly drive any sane person mad. She’s got beginners, intermediate, and advanced courses for that wannabe gardener in your life. Tell them they owe you free flowers forever. Please, somebody, buy me this because I just got a house and let me tell you, I am fucked.

Speaking of teaching people how to do things, MCP Actions will show that budding photographer you know how to quit fucking up Photoshop and get good-looking pictures already. Because people tend to get cameras for Christmas and then they like to take pictures with them. You look like the good guy. Nice, huh?

If you’ve ever had a job where you had to wear an ID on a shoelace around your neck, you know it makes you feel like a complete tool. They’re ugly and they’re stupid-looking. BooJeeBeads are neither. They also do badge clips and eyeglass holders and other stuff that always used to be idiotic, and now isn’t. Also, eyeglass holders make a really great gift when you want someone to think you know them better than you really do.

Book Bouquet makes gift baskets with books in them, so you have something to do while you nosh on things like shortbread, dark chocolate, gourmet popcorn, and other delicious fattening stuff. The best part is that the books aren’t stupid – there’s everything from award-winning literature to crime thrillers to sappy romance stuff. Check out the Shop by Person section and you’ll find ones designed for kids, for men, for people overseas in the military, and for your dog. Okay, not your dog. But everyone else.

11:11 makes cardholders and passport cases and other kinds of coverings that make your stuff stand out from everyone else’s because it’s got a really awesome artsy Tyrannosaurus Rex or cool photograph on it. Go look, it’s pretty neat. Oh, and they also make condom cases. For the man who has everything, but still doesn’t want to get an STD.

Brains Vs. Coffee: The Daily Debate of the Urban Undead

“Have you ever risen from slumber, shuffled into the kitchen and found yourself craving something more taboo than breakfast cereal? Have you ever accidentally asked for brains when you meant to say coffee? You’re not alone.”

I can’t exactly say it any better than that, now, can I? Check out a little sample here.

Also: Don’t blink. The zombie sheep will eat you. (This one speaks for itself.)

Speaking of zombies, I can’t bear to leave out Marty’s twisted side. If you’re looking for weird gifts, his work runs the gamut from punk fairy canvas prints to custom zombie sculptures (of you). Even weirder, he’s got this huge set of classy custom flower illustrations in his portfolio. (You can’t buy those, but it’s pretty clear: The man’s art is downright double-jointed.) If his usage of blood spatters is any indication, he spends a fortune on red markers.

And while we’re on the subject of blood spatters… Guys who ride motorcycles often think they’re too badass to wear helmets. Hells Bells Customs basically decided to make it more badass to wear one than to not wear one. My favorite one is the Barbarian, mostly because I can’t tell if the fake blood is part of the design or something they just did to make the picture even more hardcore. Because spikes sticking up everywhere wasn’t enough. If my mother wouldn’t kill me, I would buy one of these for my stepdad. But then she would kill me and the blood would be mine.

No Weirder Possible Segue

Sorry, guys. There is just no good way to transition from spiked motorcycle helmets to puppet theatres. And this one’s back by popular demand:

Got smart kids? Maybe homeschooling? This one’s a must have.

We talked about this last year and the people went crazy. Amy makes puppet theatres that go in doorways. They also go OUT of doorways. So you know how your kid sees one of those wooden get ups and says they’re going to do puppet shows and you’re all, bullshit, you are and you just KNOW they’re going to end up collecting dust in the basement? Not so with these.

Anyway, people liked these so much last year that WE got email about it, so we figured we’d give her a comeback. Go buy a theatre for your kid. Your neighbours will be embarrassed that all they got their kid was yet another video game console while you are spending quality time with little Dakota and encouraging her interest in the arts. See? I always knew you were a good parent.

(Also, even if you don’t have children, you should probably send Amy thirty bucks simply out of guilt because she is homeschooling two sets of twin boys and you are not. Just saying.)

So yeah. We’re done. I don’t think there’s anything left to say; go shop.