Jan
06
Goal Setting Accountability: Is It For Losers?
Listen very carefully. I shall say this only once. (Those of you who have watched ‘Allo ‘Allo will find that a whole lot funnier than those who have not.)
There is a lot of talk in goal setting circles about creating a public accountability plan. As in, if I tell other people about my goal, I’m more likely to reach it. Telling other people can mean quietly telling your boyfriend that you want to get your website started before your birthday. It can also mean telling 20,000 blog readers that you will donate the entire contents of your checking account to the National Rifle Association if you ever have another cigarette.
It’s a range, see?
I’m all for accountability. Honestly, I am. And I’ve spent many hours of my life (hours I’m never getting back, I’ll add) talking to my esteemed life coach Tim Brownson about its benefits. But it’s not a one size fits all equation, and if you don’t have the time, money or inclination to spend 20 hours with Tim, I’ll just give you my theory instead. (Sorry, Tim.)
There’s a place for accountability.
If you’ve set a goal that has something to do with willpower, you might want a public accountability plan. Make this plan palatable for your personality. If you dig supportive, womb-like environments full of people who will love you no matter what, announce your goal at Havi’s Kitchen Table. If you know that soul-crushing embarrassment is more motivating for you, promise to admit your defeat as a guest post on Tim’s blog and let the vultures eat you.
You know what works better for you.
And there’s a place for privacy.
I have big goals for this year. You don’t know about them yet. Hell, Jamie doesn’t even know about some of them yet. Why? Because they’re private. They’re in a private space right now.
Let’s say I wanted to have another baby. (I don’t, by the way. So Mom? Chill the fuck out, OK? It’s an example.) And let’s say I didn’t want every goddamn conversation with everyone from my pastor to my mailman to my mother to be about how well my husband scores on a breakaway. Maybe I might want to shut my pie-hole for a while. Maybe I don’t need all of my Twitter followers and the ladies at the hair salon to remind me to go to bed early and open a bottle of wine. (If I followed yesterday’s lesson about making unstupid goals, it’s not like I’m going to forget to have sex.)
You know when you first start dating someone really, really special? Sometimes you don’t want to tell anybody. You want to keep this special time YOURS, and everybody can mind their own business. Because once your special goal or special someone becomes public information, the dynamic changes immeasurably. That might be good. It might be horrific. You might want that. You might not. And no-one here is going to blame you one damn bit for either.
Some people are party poopers. Some people think they’re nice when they’re actually crushing your dreams. Some people are stark, raving assholes.
And some goals are special. Incubate the special ones for a while before you set the wolves on them.
And there’s a place for marketing.
There is little I like more in the world than shocking the living bejeezus out of somebody. It makes my heart go pitter patter. I love me some “HOLY FUCK!!!”
Some goals are best left private because, from a marketing angle, their impact will be greater if they’ve been kept a secret.
It’s kind of fun to be working away at something amazing and unleashing it to great fanfare. Losing weight can be like that. So can starting a business. Or launching a product or redecorating your house or turning vegan.
Consider the possibility of not telling anybody because it’ll be cooler if it’s a surprise.
There is one person who knows if you need accountability, and that person, sadly, is you.
If you feel the need to be publicly accountable, be publicly accountable. You go with our blessing. If you’re confident that you don’t need accountability, feel free to keep your mouth shut.
(Also, don’t confuse sharing with public accountability. There’s a difference between letting people into your world and forcing them to be your police. Try not to bore your unsuspecting public with your goals. Odds are, they don’t care.)
The bottom line, and if you’ve had your coffee already you’ll start to see this as a theme this week, is that YOU are the one who dictates what your goals are and whether or not you are obligated to meet them. Not your mom. Not me. Not Tim. And certainly not some fucking sidebar article in a weekly magazine you bought standing in line at Walmart.
Others in this series, to which you could subscribe if you were that way inclined:
Day One: How to Make Unstupid Goals
Day Three: Batshit Crazy: Creative Ways To Meet Your Goals
Day Four: Disheartenment, Disillusionment, and Other D Words
Day Five: Reevaluation: What To Do If Your Goals Were Stupid After All
Some friends and I have a little group we call “the nucleus.” We’re accountable to each other. Everyone else can bite it.
It works for us.
All of us are so busy, this structure ensures that we stay on track. Keeps us from going down the rabbit hole on stupid stuff.
Ooh. The nucleus. I like it. Sometimes the name totally makes it.
C’mon Dave! The nucleus?!? Geek is chic but that’s almost too geek.
Anyway, I totally agree. Having blog buddies is definitely a great way to keep each other on their toes. Being accountable for not only yourself but also for others from falling flat on their faces. Perfecto!
“You know when you first start dating someone really, really special? Sometimes you don’t want to tell anybody. You want to keep this special time YOURS, and everybody can mind their own business.”
No. I don’t. :-/
There are times when I don’t want to broadcast certain things to 20,000 people on Twitter, or write about something on my blog, but there’s very little I won’t talk about to my closest friends.
I’m pretty sure I’ve never had that moment you describe, but it’s okay. Different strokes and all that. ;)
-Erica
EXACTLY!
Some people tell the world. Some people tell nobody. Some people tell the world everything except this. Some people tell the world nothing except that. My husband would tell a random stranger anything — as long as the thing he was telling didn’t involve risk. I hate the random stranger on the road, but I’d tell you guys a lot. More than I’d tell my mother, sometimes. (Although, since my mother reads the blog, the point is moot and I have to tell my newsletter readers instead.)
HURRAY FOR DIFFERENTIATION IN THE GENE POOL!!! :)
(Thanks for coming, sweetie.)
Looking forward to those D-words.
Daisy. Dahlia. Delphinium.
We could do the whole post and only talk about flowers. OH THE POSSIBILITY!
I definitely get the thing about keeping stuff secret till it’s ready to share. When I finally lost the 30 or so extra pounds I’d had all through my teens, I didn’t want anyone making a big deal about it, or hassling me about how I was getting on.
Thanks for bringing up secrecy for marketing purposes, too; I’ve got some big plans for Aliventures this year, and I felt a little bad not sharing them with my readers — but I had a gut feeling that “Hey, guys, here’s how I plan to make MONEY outta you all this year!” might not go down so well. ;-)
Oh my God, yes. The “Look at you! You’re doing SO well!” is enough to make you want to vomit in the nearest planter, isn’t it? Like, yes, we all know I was fat. Can we move on to talking about how I’m also poor and stupid now?
Re: marketing. Indeed.
Wa-hey, I agree!
It’s definitely a personal thing like hanging upside down in a broom closet with a plastic bag on your head sucking an orange.
For some people accountability spurs them on, for others they slide into their shell and do nothing because they become overwhelmed.
So, you’re having another kid, huh?
I hate you. Never come to my blog again.
And taking a brief break from accountability, let’s move on to personal responsibility.
Me getting a puppy was ALL YOUR FAULT.
I hate you. Never come to my blog again.
I know, but equally I know I have to have the last word and spite you by popping back to tell you I’ll never pop back again. Until that is, the day when I do. It maybe later today, tomorrow or next year, you’ll never ever know. Er, that is until you do.
I demand photos of the puppy terrorizing you.
That was a disturbingly… graphic image, there.
Well fucking said.
There’s a lot of people who seem to feel that I’m less of a person because I’m private. There are very few people who know my true dreams and goals, and I feel no need to share those with anyone.
They are MINE. And mine alone. And the person that I’m accountable to for reaching those dreams is ME.
So I don’t feel the need to tell the world and then end up disappointing thousands of people I don’t know personally when I’m three days late on this goal or end up changing my mind about pursuing that goal. What IS it with people creating more pressure to perform on themselves than they have to?
We have enough damned pressure to perform in this world. We don’t need to stir up more to make our dreams heavy on our shoulders.
Some people like it. They probably wouldn’t like our quarterly Sit In The Corner Nursing A Gentleman Jack On The Rocks And Not Speaking To Anybody parties, though.
Well said, James.
It seems to me that there’s a bit of a bias towards the folks who spill their guts, reveal their process, hang their dirty laundry out, whatever you want to call it.
They’re called “transparent” and lauded for being so “open and honest.”
But not everyone’s like that. It doesn’t mean we’re opaque, closed, or dishonest (dammit!). It just means we’re a bit more private, as you say.
Hmm. You seem to have hit a hot button for me this morning!
here…here…privately agreeing
I agree with you. Some things should be kept to yourself if you know certain people won’t be supportive.
I’ve learned not to give all of my goals out to my readers as I have missed the mark once or twice by changing my mind in the middle. Sometimes you find out a goal isn’t that great and you have to shift it a bit. It confuses the people who are following you.
Anyway, I like the Mastermind Group that I’m working in. It’s a great place to share goals and visions. It helps with connection and accountability.
– Amy
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our parents taught us that there was nothing wrong with changing our minds?
I know a lot of people who would enjoy a lot of stuff a hell of a lot more if their parents hadn’t done the “you started it and you have to learn to finish what you start” thing. Since fucking when?
Oh, Jesus, the “A” word-accountability-which induces extreme bouts of nausea (having worked in government a long time). Rather than talk about goals, resolutions, promises, and and that BS, each of us just needs to f&*%^$# do it! As Larry the Cable Guy says: “Git ‘er done!”
@jim
Nike made a fortune with that very slogan…
As Tom Peters says
‘Too much talk, too little do’.
Amen Jim
there’s also the danger you become the Talker. Happy hours and coffees and walks are prime time to discuss the book you’re writing – which you never actually spend time writing.
too much broadcasting can drain the magic and the mojo
that said — been trying to find a small mastermind/nucleus crew to help myself get thru blocks and knowledge gaps and general ” can I really do this?not sure how”
@ Jim – I wish that were true, my job would be a doddle.
You’re probably a get it done kind of guy and kudos to you for that. I see people every day that aren’t and many are successful entrepreneurs that still need somebody behind them.
I had one client that ran several multi-million dollar businesses that wanted a coach to “Kick my ass when I start slacking”
Unfortunately big business turns a lot of people off to the benefits of accountability by ramming it down their employees throats to their advantage.
It has some MASSIVE upsides for a lot of people and there’s a danger of throwing the baby out with the bath water when we dismiss it.
Speaking of babies, did you see Naomi’s having another?
hi naomi–
i’m new here, and rather addicted to your blog.
at the risk of sounding sound shallow, what really drew me in was the abundant swearing…not to discredit your obvious writing gifts, authenticity, and honesty, though. i realized that every year i vow to cut back on the profanity. this year i just said “oh, fuck it–this is just who i am.” so thank you!
one question: why a life coach?
Hi Linda,
Why a Life Coach? I can’t speak for Naomi’s reasons.
I can speak for myself. Turning the idea upside down for a moment, suppose the person holding you accountable (at your own request) holds a vision of your possibilities and power that is bigger than the one you hold when you get mired down in doubt. You asked them in advance to remind you of your own goal or vision at a time when you may lose touch temporarily in a weak moment. Would you find it valuable to have a believing and supportive pair of eyes?
Another run at accountability happens in the 12 step programs where you have a sponsor to call in a weak moment.
This is my first visit to your site and…well, let’s just say I’ve perused a few posts and I’ll be making regular visits back :)
Love the content, love your style. Keep up the good work – you have a great thing going here!
(Oh, and this post is spot on. It took me a few eons, but I’ve finally figured when it’s motivating for me to share my goals, and when I should keep them to myself for greater effect)
Right on, Naomi! I’ve been consulting with a woman and helping her set up her own book publishing business and get her first book published. I took a little retreat over the holidays to get some reading and writing done. I normally would be instantly responsive when she e-mailed me a question or told me of serious problematic issues in her family owned business. But, after I got back this week, I was a little slower in responding. She wrote me wondering, “Is everything is okay?” I wrote her back and listed all that I was doing and had on my plate, which was why I was slower in replying. When I looked at my own list, I realized, I must think I’m superman or something. Goals are great, but too many at one time are a recipe for missing the boat – and broadcasting all of them – well, you hit it on the head – accountability. Living and working free means I’m only accountable to MYSELF. I have to start practicing that. Thanks for your insight – I just relaxed a whole bunch.
Ed
Love your posts. When I see them in my email I know I”m going to get a good laugh.
I have a goal for this year. It’s to get you to do a profile and podcast for my website for teenage girls, lookilulu.com. I would love my viewers to learn more about you and your story. One of the goals of lookilulu is to help young women see that they can be free to express themselves. You do an admirable job.
FYI, I’m the IP lawyer who is in Martha Beck’s tribe. I heard about you from Pam Slim.
Also, my other goal for this year is to get my blog about IP law for startups on-line. Rachael A is working on it this week.
Thanks for writing brave posts.
I’m loving this series on goals and I’m especially digging this post. In the flutter of the New Year, about every blog on the planet is quick to tell you to post about your goals for the year. I’m glad to read a post that says the opposite. It’s a refreshing reality check.
Don’t get me wrong – I think goals are grand and I’ve been working on mine for 2010. But, truth is, very few of them are for public consumption. Beyond personal preferences, I think the marketing argument is a fantastic reason for not sharing your goals. Sometimes, we don’t reach our goals, but still move the needle from where we started. Celebrate the successes and leave the planning behind the curtain.
Well said, lady.
I’ve got some new top secret stuff I want to do the first half of this year.
There, now I’m held accountable and am secretive at the same time.
SNEAKY!
I genuinely appreciate the timing of this post. I recently got invited into an accountability Mastermind group. I participated sceptically for two sessions and realized that:
1) I was going to do everything I said I was going to do and didn’t need anyone other than my self to be accountable to
2) I wanted the right to change my goals without having to justify that to anyone. Isn’t that why we work for ourselves in the first place?
One of my friends that is participating told me she wished I would have stuck with the group. All I could think was: why?
So do you not have your driver’s license yet? If so, I’m glad I’m not the only one.
I lost mine because I moved halfway around the world and Ontario doesn’t care that I’d been driving 22 years before I got here! I am perfectly happy to never drive for the rest of my life, but hubby says I really should because after all we have 3 kiddoes who need to be chauffeured (sp?) around yada yada. So I’m working on it. Not for my happiness, necessarily, but for the sake of the family :-)
Well if you insist on unleashing ‘Allo ‘Allo on your unsuspecting and unprepared audience you may as well do it in full glorious and slightly blurry technicolor http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boexrgu1hCk
I agree about keeping private goals, they are way more fun and more powerful. The last thing an unborn dream needs is someone killing it off with negative comments. Keeping my big dreams for this year tightly under wraps ;o)
Congrats on new sprog… (running now!)
I so agree with you Naomie. When something’s still in an embryonic state, it makes senses to be alone with it.
I remember in grad. school when profs would come into my studio where I had a few things tacked up on my wall to help me think about a new project. Embryonic stage. They wanted to critique the bits on my wall. There was less than a whips of an idea up, a critique at that point was idea crushing.
There does come a time when a nucleus (love that) or people who really have your back can be a real gift.
Enjoying these posts.
Have you ever tried to explain a goal to someone before it’s fully developed in your head?
It’s like taking something out of the oven too soon. You think it will be good, and then it comes out, and it’s not fully cooked, and its got that gross slightly cold part in the center, and everyone looks at you like your a dipshit for not cooking something all the way.
That’s how I feel when I share too soon, before my goal is ready to take out and eat.
Dude, that happened to me YESTERDAY. It took me an hour and a half to explain something to a person much smarter than I, even though it made perfect sense in my head.
LOVE your description.
Love Deren’s description almost as much as I loved the points of your post. In the same way BAKING is more exact chemistry and COOKING is more (forgiving if) subjective and flexible, so too some “dishes” can be shared and developed and cooked up in the Kitchen (see Havi!) with others or not, and served at more than one point along the fixing/making/conjuring/creating. Baking: not so much.
Some ideas are to be cooked up and shared along the process, others are better planned, measured, mixed, proofed, kneaded, given time to rise again, maybe punched down, seasoned… and given their full due in the privacy of the oven. Where the heat and the fat make yummy — gotta go eat something baked now, sorry — lovely post.
@TheGirlPie
PS: I love that you pretty permalink your posts just by title; not by category or date; they ARE timeless.
Just discovered your website and I like it! You write with a familiarity, like you know I’ve been putting off starting a blog and can be somewhat lazy but have so many ideas to share. I have signed up for a few of your things and I can’t wait to hear what you’ve got to say! I’m hoping you will get me into gear!
THANKS!
I also sometimes get weird heebie jeebies if I announce something, where suddenly I hate to work on it. Like I would totally and very literally rather scrub the toilet for the 4th time this week than work on my allegedly Big Hairy Audacious Goal.
I do get a lot out of working with my coach in that I tend to not piddle time away if I know he’s going to ask me about something. But he’s not a “kick your ass for accountability” type person. He’s more a “ask nicely if you did the thing you wanted to do” person. Which is still pretty irritating some weeks.
you never fail to deliver, itty bitty biz whiz. so i linked you today on my blog. http://bit.ly/5xpZL nobody does marketing like you. thanks! velma
Naomi, Thank you for reminding me that it is ok to not share my goals. I’m a grown woman but someone made me feel like a little girl with a secret yesterday because I wouldn’t share a goal I have.
@Dave – I love the name of your group. I belong to a group that meets once a week for support and ‘accountableness.’ I’m going to suggest this name to them.
@Deren – great description and it exactly why I don’t want to share my goal – it’s not fully formed yet.
Honestly, accountability hasn’t worked.
This whole question of setting and meeting goals is irksome. Why do we have trouble doing what is good for us? I suppose it is because of conflicting beliefs. To overcome conflicting beliefs we try to create positive beliefs, and discipline, and accountability, in essence one corner of the mind sets up incentives and threats for the rest of our being. It’s rather schizophrenic. I don’t have any earth-shattering answers, but I’m exploring what would happen if we simply remain aware, release all beliefs, and just remained in mindful awareness. Is this the flow we’re searching for?
Thanks, very thought-provoking.
k
You know, losing weight (or getting shredded) is something that benefits from both these angles. I’ll tell some of my E-Training clients to write down their goals on a piece of paper and give it to their closest family member (or spouse) but no one else.
This makes their shit accountable… so they follow through. The big impact comes when a 60 days down the road, they reveal themselves to friends and family that haven’t seen them in “revealing” clothes for a while.
Oh how those ecstatic emails make my fucking day.
Good stuff.
P.S- Your mom reads your blog? Respect.
I don’t think goals are ever a waste of time, no matter what they involve. I do think people get a little bit carried away on how to accomplish their goals.
To be fair, I think theres a difference here between dreams and goals.
Dreams should be private, until you decide you want to do something about them. That is not to say you should tell everyone every goal, but certainly the willpower goals that you want to achieve (eg stop smoking) are more likely to be achieved through the support of others.
you know, this very thing came up in a group that we have. one member wanted us all to get together and discuss our goals for the coming year. in the end, of a group of seven, only three people were interested. the reason? “some people don’t feel comfortable disclosing the things they’re working on.” what the eff are they in the group for then?
i think in those cases, it’s more about trying to save face than it is about actually be pushed until you move forward. i’ve heard it said: “pain pushes until the vision pulls.” some just don’t want to be held accountable.
Rachel’s experience struck a chord here. Having someone prematurely critique your newborn idea, before you’ve even pinned diapers on it, is a real downer.
On the other hand, I love to hear the plans of others – not for accountability. It’s just the voyeur in me.
And for the same reason, I have an instinctive dislike of disrobing my own goals and plans for a panting and prurient crowd who just want to know what’s going on in my head. Well, screw ‘em – they can just wait till I get it done… IF I get it done.
Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles
Nice!
I like how you boiled it down into three parts. While I’m a big fan of public accountability it does get a little…annoying at times.
I’m with you, I’d rather have/create a “wow I can’t believe this is happening moment” than a “guys later this year my goal is to _____. Boooring.
As someone who just announced a bunch of scary goals on her blog, and has several more in her head, this post was deeply appreciated. I find the best goal group is my closed trusted business buddies. They understand, they support me, and they nag nicely when needed!
Ha!!! I like the way you put things. Blunt, that’s my kind of language. Funny thing is I wrote on resolutions and setting goals and I think it SUCKS!!! I believe we look at setting goals all wrong and think having some accountability will be the magic trick that makes it work.
For me to meet my goals I have to kick my own ass and just do it. Publicly announcing my intentions just means I’m weak and probably won’t get the task done in the first place.
I just have to do it…
I used to broadcast my goals, but I set my goals *really* high under the assumption that if I make it halfway, I’m farther than 95% of people. This works for me, but I got tired of being the kind of person who other people view as not meeting my goals. So now I keep my mouth shut until I’ve accomplished things. If I need accountability, I may share a goal with my wife or my cofounder. Aside from that, I just keep my head down and keep working.
I usually broadcast my goals and my latest endeavor is scaring the living shit out of me. I’m opening a one-woman show here in Las Vegas next month based on my book, Bastard Husband: A Love Story. It would be sooo easy to back away from this had I not already told the whole friggin’ world I’m going to do it. Growth never happens unless you leave your comfort zone, and it’s easier for me to push myself if I feel accountable to others.
That said, this post really got me thinking; I love the idea of surprising people. Hmmm….
And hey, I love your potty mouth. Girls who say fuck ROCK!
The only true accountability is whom you chose to be accountable (or not). Being responsible who you make your confidants is the most important thing, imho. Thanks for the post.