Mar
23
Guinea Pigs, Gurus, and a New Columnist at IttyBiz
(Editor’s note: This is not my post. I did not write it. I have two things to say about that. One, I do not agree with everything Johnny says here. He says that’s why he’s writing it and not me. Fair point, so I’m leaving it as he wrote it. Two, this has Very Dirty Words. Dirtier than usual. Consider yourself warned.)
My name is Johnny B. Truant. My blog is The Economy Isn’t Happening, but that’s not what’s important here. What’s important is that I’m a guinea pig.
Not literally. Because that would be fucked up, having a guinea pig write on a marketing blog. Even if it were Naomi’s guinea pig (which would probably smoke and drink and say “shit” a lot), chances are it would know virtually nothing useful about marketing given that lettuce and feed pellets pretty much sell themselves.
No, I’m the kind of guinea pig that has experiments done on it. Inhumane ones. IttyBiz style ones. See, I’m going to let Naomi run an experiment on me. Here, in front of you, updated once a week on her blog. We don’t know the results of this experiment yet. You’ll find out as we do.
See, here’s the thing: Naomi is a guru. She doesn’t want to be a guru, and she doesn’t think of herself as a guru. Most of you probably don’t think of her as a guru — or at least, you don’t THINK you think of her that way. In fact, given the IttyBiz attitude, you’re probably a bit pissed off at me for suggesting that she’s a guru at all. She’s REAL. She’s one of us.
True. True. But someone who is truly, honestly, 100% able to operate as “one of us” doesn’t have experiences at a conference that cause her to write a post like “Starfucking 2.0.” People don’t get nervous meeting someone who is totally “one of us.” She’s “Naomi of IttyBiz,” and you all know it. One day I’ll have that same kind of mindshare, but not quite yet. Hopefully that changes quickly.
A bit of history:
For Christmas, I asked my mom to buy me IttyBiz’s Online Business School. For those of you who haven’t checked it out, OBS teaches you how to make money online.
Let me repeat that phrase, and then we can all go take a shower: “Make money online.”
Ugh.
The phrase stinks like a Teletubbies reunion. Why? Because nobody thinks that a real person can do it. Not really. They think it’s a scam. Or, they think that gurus can do it, maybe, but not real people. In fact, real people who even try are dumber than a Teletubbies reunion. Think about it. Your brother tells you he’s going to make money online and you’re totally picturing him in a Tinky Winky bodysuit and questioning his sexuality. (Tinky was the gay one, right? Like Ernie, Bert, and SpongeBob?)
(By the way, nobody flame me for that. You’re the one who pictured him in the bodysuit, questioned his sexuality, and then tacitly decided that was a bad thing. Now my gay fans — and there are a lot for some reason — are going to want to kick your ass. Including Bert, and that dude is INTENSE.)
So I says to Naomi, I says, “Why don’t I use your stuff and your advice to make money online. Publicly. And show everyone that an average guy who’s never done this before can actually do it. And you can coach me through it. Make course-corrections. Turn me into a millionaire. And together, we can make this whole ‘make money online’ thing a reality for everyone.”
And she says to me she says, “Shit cocksucker motherfucker doubleshit.”
So that’s what this column is going to be about. Me. An average, non-guru. Learning, from scratch, how to make money online.
And if you want, you can and should follow along. I think Naomi is going to leave comments on for at least selected posts, and I asked her if she’d leave comments on for my posts, and she said, “Fuckstick asswipe doucherocket!” So I imagine both of us will be willing to answer questions: Me about what I’m doing, and Naomi about how poorly I’m doing it.
We’re going to see if we can’t hit the six modules of the OBS course, and try to exploit them all. They are:
1. Affiliate marketing
2. Coaching and consulting
3. E-books and downloadable products
4. Niche websites
5. Physical products
6. Service business
Some are going to be kind of hard for me given who I am and what I do (I’m currently not even in the same state/province/gang territory as 3 or 6), so who knows if they’ll actually happen. But we’ll at least give them a mention, or perhaps just act like you’re crazy or a dick when you say that we haven’t covered them yet.
I’ve already started doing some of this, but this post is getting pretty long. So I’ll wait until next week to let you know what I’ve done so far and what I want to try to do. Actually, I may act as if I’ve done nothing so that I can pick a new niche and start from scratch on that. So we can go step-by-step from the beginning.
And in the meantime, I’ll probably start at least mentioning some of what I’m doing on my own blog at www.TheEconomyIsntHappening.com, although most of my blog will still be about ninjas, waffles, and fart jokes. Or maybe not, but you should really come check out the fart jokes anyway. They’re about farts.
Ok, totally jealous now – I’ll be following along and watching intently
Wow. . . I went to bed last night drafting an email in my mind that would be a proposition like this for Naomi. No joke. Now I understand how people feel when they leave a comment like, “I was so totally thinking/writing/saying that!”
Have fun and good luck, Johnny!
(..and Naomi, if you want to ditch Johnny and use me instead, I’m all yours. Just don’t tell Johnny.)
I cannot wait to see how this works! What a brilliant idea.
This post was worth it just to be introduced to the word “doucherocket.”
And of course it is brilliant marketing.
She’s bald, she lives in England, and she swears. She’s not a guru — she’s Sinead Fucking O’Connor. I’m assuming that she’ll soon be tearing up pictures of Barack Obama on television (but not watching herself on television) just to get more bad press.
You’ve fallen in with a bad crowd, young man.
Trapped… in basement… send help…
Posting on IttyBiz alone won’t get you money? Now that you’ve posted on Naomi’s blog, I would expect people to pay you in lumps of freshly mined gold just to touch you or have you breathe into their airspace. No? Wait… my reality is crumbling…
Okay, I’m better now, and in my Freshly Minted New World View think this is a great idea. I’m quite a fan of both yours and Naomi’s work, and quite interested to see how they mix.
Johnny! Yay!
This is a great idea and an awesome opportunity for you!
I can’t wait to see what happens next.
All the best!
deb
Great now this is one more place I have to go to get my fix of all things Johnny. Mr Truant, you’re s’pposed to be making my life easier here on the interscapes. I will try my best to follow both along, though failblog will most likely suck me away to oblivion. Great idea, if only some of this fat moneycake could make it to me!
You need a Life Coach because quite frankly that language was disgraceful and sets an atrocious example to people stumbling across this post by mistake..
Did your parents never teach you that there should be a hyphen in mother-fucker?
I challenge you to a GURU-ATHON!
Naomi, or any other guru she recommends, i mean, any other guru she fucking recommends, there that’s better, can take me under their wing to see who makes the most money.
The line has been drawn.
Fernando.
Wow, that’s a great idea Johnny. I’m looking forward to seeing your progress. Although I think many of us are on the same type of road, it might give us some insight into why we are or aren’t getting the results we want.
Looking forward to reading your story!
When Johnny says “trapped in basement”, what he means is that he has locked himself in his basement where he is smoking weed and listening to Jonathan Coulton with the volume on max. In the meantime, I will moderate.
@ Tim Brownson — For God’s sake, didn’t I fire you?
@ Jeff Moriarty — Can I please just have your babies and we’ll get on with it?
@ Cheryl B — We can totally fire Johnny right now. Clearly he’s too busy “trapped in a basement” to talk to us right now.
Oh, I should mention that I will also be working with Tim Brownson. You may or may not have heard of him earlier in this comment stream. He’s going to teach me how to get my head right and how to talk with that cool accent.
Wait… I’m supposed to be moderating? Nobody’s asked questions. I was just sitting back and enjoying. And freaking out because I thought I had lost the audio tapes of several interviews with HR leaders I conducted last week.
See how much I need this? HR is not the best use of my time.
So apparently Naomi has me on comment notification because I’m getting two copies of everything. That’s cool as long as the comments are positive because it feels like twice the love. But this is a leveraged thing, so nobody be a dick.
I take it the ‘dirtier than usual’ word was “guru”, right?
@everyone: Jamie here. If the site looks a little weird right now it’s because we’re trying to do an update. Posts and comments should not be affected, so please go ahead and keep reading/commenting.
@Johnny: Sorry dude, if I had know this would happen I wouldn’t have done it during your post. I would have done it to Naomi :)
Naomi isn’t so much a guru as she is a god, an all-seeing, all-knowing god of ittybiz. (How’s THAT for starfucking?)
Good luck, Johnny. As others have said, this is an awesome idea and, perhaps, the ultimate starfuck.
This site’s mangled ad handling and design flaws have caused me to seriously question where I should go daily for my humour fix. I also have to give kudos on “doucherocket”. I need to see if I can slip it into conversation at some point today.
In re-reading my last post, I am suddenly hyper-aware at how poorly sarcasm comes across over the posting digital format. Could explain why I’ve alienated so many friends. Seriously enjoying this site and not ragging on the looks, though it did take me a bit to realize the girl in the logo was wearing a camo skirt and not some kind of transparent fabric over blotchy ass-skin.
Okay for reals, I’m stopping now.
OMG WHAT THE FUCK I’M TOTALLY OUT OF HERE
@ Johnny — You can’t quit now, darlin’. We’ve only just begun.
Since we’ve obviously passed the realm of polite cursing, I’ll just say it: bloody fucking brilliant. Abso-fucking-lutely.
This is even better than the crap they show on TV!
@Johnny: Of course many of us wish we were you; you’re in a lucky and enviable position. Don’t screw it up! And if you do, Naomi – can I have his place? <– Only partially kidding there!
Great experiment and it will be interesting to see what happens.
I’ve already screwed it up. That’s the secret.
This is a good idea, so I suspect it was Naomi’s
(JBT, you really think you came up with this all by yourself?)
Good post-writing, Johnny; got your hands full, Naomi.
Looking forward to all the levels of learning to come.
(And I like the bee-utiful new blocks up top — nice job ~ !)
Excellent first post Johnny. This is also my first time commenting on IttyBiz, which I wouldn’t have bothered doing if not for your impression of Naomi making me belly laugh at a very inopportune moment. Let me quickly explain…
My wife’s uncle passed away recently and while this is no biggie to her (she couldn’t stand him) her parents and sister were here at the house consoling and commiserating, while I was “working on the computer” (reading IttyBiz). I get to your “Shit cocksucker motherfucker doubleshit” impression and proceeded to laugh out loud – just as Mom in Law begins uncontrollably sobbing over her loss.
Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know they can remove the Grandfather Clock from my ass with a minor surgical procedure, so I’ll be out of the hospital in a week or so. Oh, and my divorce lawyer says I can bunk at his place during the proceedings.
Isn’t it nice to see what can come from a well written article?
;)
Haha! Well on that note, thanks, you’ve been a great audience. I’m here all night.
May you become a swanky Millionaire via the economy that isn’t happening with help from the non-guru-guru and lots of foul mouthed peeps in the peanut gallery. Break a leg!
@ GirlPie — For God’s sake, he’s giving me weekly free content. Don’t fuck it up by telling him you know the truth. Jesus.
@ Peter Gibson — They say mourning is very stressful. People do all sorts of crazy things, like burst out laughing at the oddest times. First, I’m delighted you commented, even if it was from your sickbed. Second, I am even more delighted that you did so under the circumstances. Rock on. And, um, sorry about the clock.
Naomi, I’m in. Just, y’know, don’t let him out of the basement. There’s no telling what he might do.
This was my first time commenting, too. I’ve been lurking around on ittybiz and other wonderful sites I’ve found through your links. My head is full of information and great ideas–now I just have to figure out where to start. I know you were up in the air about allowing comments again, and I understand all the reasons behind it, but I do have to admit: I felt so gosh darned special when you replied to my first comment! (Oh, the powers you possess!) So, yay for comments–at least on the special posts. (and, hi! nice to meet you!)
I’m in. I have my popcorn and am ready for the big show. Bring it on.
What an absolutely awesome idea. Wish I’d thought of it first (as I’m sure many of us do). I will most definitely be following along. Gotta love it. Good luck and have a blast!
Ok – here’s your first negative comment coming up Johnny.
I found that truly offensive. I’m glad Naomi added the ‘Dirtier than usual’ warning because at least I can’t say I wasn’t warned.
When Naomi swears and uses profanity on here, it emphasises a point – it’s very Naomi. This post went way over the line. When I read this, it seemed that you were trying to be as offensive as possible, almost trying to out-Naomi Naomi.
Were you really trying to put yourself out there as that kind of person? Is that really the image you want people to have of you?
Someone hasn’t had their happy pills yet today. ;)
LOL! I knew I’d forgotten something this morning!
Actually, I read this post hours ago, must have been soon after it was posted. I wasn’t going to say anything – hey, it’s Naomi’s blog and she can say whatever she wants on it – but the more I thought about it the more I wanted to comment on it.
I think the message of the post was lost in the distraction of excess unwarranted profanity.
Hey Melinda,
OK, I have to say… fair props to you. Well played. This has absolutely zero to do with your comment, but it has a lot to do with my general state of mind at the moment. Thank you for leaving your comment with good grace. This gives me great hope about the commenting thing.
Seriously, I appreciate it. My mind has been chock full of drama about this whole commenting debacle and I have a lot of respect for you for stopping by and saying your thing with graciousness. That’s a big deal for me, so thank you.
Thanks Naomi. :-)
Okay, I should pop in on this one. First of all, I’m sorry that you were offended by this one, and thanks for your honest opinion. It would be weird if everyone only thought the whole thing was awesome.
But if I may attempt to explain myself, I was going for over-the-top parody. Maybe that wasn’t the right choice for an introductory post. I mean, we all know Naomi as the lady who swears. That and the buzz cut are a lot of what she’s known for.
So I was trying to do a ridiculous caricature of her in this one, and maybe it was too much.
That’s why there seemed to be “profanity for profanity’s sake” in this one. There’s no “seem”; it very much was that exactly.
I don’t normally do that, so you can be pretty much assured that future installments will be far tamer, closer to the speed this blog normally runs at. Unless I have to quote Naomi again. :)
Wow Johnny,
Trying to be all like “more professional” and stuff and you end up alienating more people because of your childish use of profanity. Stings of delicious irony, though I myself am a big fan of profanity as a method of exaggerating that which is already funny or becoming it’s own joke in the use of too much you know, swearing and stuff.
We’re all adults in theory though, right?
The point is not lost because of the excess profanity – the point is made because of it. The parody was successful and funny, a sign that JBT is a great writer. The fact that some people were offended? Additional proof that both JBT and Naomi are doing something right. Fucking awesome.
I can’t wait to see the next chapter. The spit-take that I did at “doucherocket” made the choice to start reading JBT’s blog an easy one. Now I’ve got Havi, Naomi, and Johnny to read – who will catch my interest next? I’m sure I’ll find out here. Yay!
Hey Casey, thanks for the props. Are you following me on Twitter or anything? @johnnybtruant to connect.
@ Johnny — Whore.