Help Me Come Up With A Stupid Tagline
Generally speaking, I’m a fairly relaxed parent. (It’s easy to be relaxed when you let them do whatever they want and make your husband be the bad guy all the time. He’s not the one running the home business, goddammit.) If my kids don’t want to eat, that’s fine. If they don’t want to put pants on, no big deal. Read, don’t read, I don’t really mind.
Today, however, I am ready to trade my youngest for a year’s worth of hosting and two packs of Marlboro Lights.
He does not want to eat, but at the same time, he does want to acquire food. All of the food. He wants to put each and every grape tomato in his mouth and then throw each one on the floor in quiet disgust. He wants all of the cucumber slices on his tray, even though he doesn’t like them with dressing, he doesn’t like them with salt, and he doesn’t like them plain.
When I offer him an empty fruit cup — and in Jack’s world, holding an empty fruit cup is the equivalent of holding a winning Powerball lottery ticket — he shakes his head and puts it on the floor. When I throw it out, he heads on over to the garbage to remove it, giving me this look the whole time that says, “What is wrong with you, woman?” When Jamie — who is hated with a venom today for some reason — tells him to stay out of the garbage, he screws up his face in despair and wails like a puppy left alone in his crate. (Jack, not Jamie.)
I have gotten nothing done. This is the third blog post I’ve started today but my brain has been toddlerized and I can’t string two words together. (Passive income, my ass.) The only thing I seem to be able to do is drink Yellow Tail and compulsively click “refresh” on my Twitter page.
Therefore, I offer you a mishmash of insights only vaguely related to the topic of this blog.
1. Please read this post, called Mess Is Not Clutter. The chick who writes this is a professional Feng Shui something or other, and it gave me great hope. When you work outside the home, you can forget about the mess for 10 hours a day. When you work inside the home, your house surrounds you. This will make you feel better about your mess and inspire you at the same time.
2. I was walking by the hardware store today, and they tend to have a bunch of stuff for sale outside. You know, recycling bins, rock salt, that kind of thing. Well, they also sell mats, the kind you put on your doorstep or outside your laundry room or whatever. We’re not talking interior design here, we’re talking about four dollar mats.
Anyway, there’s this one brand of mat that instead of being rolled up with the other shitty mats, has its own display unit. (Outside. In Canada. In the snow belt.) I don’t know the brand name, but they look like your basic… mats. Well, on top of the display, there’s a sign. It’s a nice sign, and obviously somebody took their time to design it. Are you ready?
“Mats for all seasons, for all the right reasons.”
It was in this really adorable font, and it looked really pretty. Cute slogan, cute sign, normal mats.
Here’s the thing, though. It is widely accepted, both via Bob and Doug MacKenzie (traditional Canadian icons, for those of you not in the know) and life in general, that there are two seasons in Canada. Some call it Winter and July. Some call it Winter and Construction. We do not have all seasons. We have hot and muddy and cold and muddy.
Also, and maybe I’m just not that creative, I can only think of one reason for a mat. They only have one destiny. You send a card for “all the right reasons”. You send a scented candle, a bouquet of flowers, even an Amazon gift certificate for “all the right reasons.” There is only one reason to buy a mat.
These people obviously thought they were being clever, and normally I respect a clever tagline. As I’m in the business of writing taglines, I think everybody should have one. But this tagline is stupid.
Stupid taglines make you memorable. You’re remembered as the guy with the stupid tagline.
I am not going to pay eight dollars for a four dollar mat when I can steal one off my neighbor’s porch for free. It’s that simple.
3. Scanners, read this. I need your input.
I’m trying to come up with a new meaningless tagline of my own, and I’d love your input. Here are the choices, all of which are comments made about me at some time or another:
“Crass, yet artfully poignant.” From Margie, in the comments of this post.
I’d set up a poll but I don’t know how and I’m too lazy to find out. Please leave your opinion in the comments.
***
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With reference to your young’un, I happened to be reading this a few minutes back:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/family/03/26/par.baffling.behavior/index.html?eref=rss_health
Section on “They’re hungry but won’t eat” ..
I love “Defiantly ridiculous.”
The copywriter/web content rockin’ dude in me speaks up and says:
If your tagline isn’t benefit rich, it sucks.
(No one should go look at our tagline because yes, it sucks. We’ve been struggling for three months to have a better tagline and we can’t. It’s called TOO CLOSE TO YOUR OWN WORK, which is what Naomi’s suffering now.)
First: Decide what your blog is about.
Second: Decide why your blog matters to people. Tell yourself what your blog is about, and then ask yourself, “So what?”
Third: Take that “so what” answer and rip yourself a rockin’ new tagline.
All three suggestions to date are feature rich. That equals flop. Benefits, baby, benefits. What makes my Ittyfix the most important thing - and what do I get from it?
OK, here’s a few suggestions:
“Mostly harmless” (but you’ll have to deal with the estate of Douglas Adams to use it, I think)
“Like injecting Red Bull directly into your bloodstream!” (OK, not so appealing)
“Shut up and pay” (again, not so appealing)
“Outthinking toddlers daily (and YOU!)”
Hey, I tried!
Definitely “Crass, yet artfully poignant”. “Defiantly rediculous” doesn’t paint as positive of a picture for me, and rated R just does nothing for me. But you know how all those years of cubicles trained most of my swearing urges out of me… :-)
@ Y’all — Thanks, please keep them coming!
@ James — That’s why it’s a stupid tagline. It’s supposed to be stupid.
ittyBiz - now with more BLAHRGENDAHAAAAAAH!
ittyBiz - we got class
ittyBiz - please don’t tip the waitress
@ Anthony — That’s a cool link, thanks!!
Rockawesome Sass-Poignantly Plated!
Rawsomely Good Content!
Rawsomely Ripping Content!
I like this new word, rawsome.
See, I’m having trouble with the word, content. It sounds to tame next to ripping. I don’t know what a tagline is, but I guess I will learn. I just like playing with words.
Yeah, I have two kids and have dealt with the food scenario. When they are hungry, they’ll eat.
IttyBiz - ROF MMO & NSFW
IttyBiz - Cool Career, Life on Fire
Ooh, I love this. No design brief, no client breathing down my neck. I could riff on this for a while. I’ll try to restrain myself.
Why do I have Ittybiz in my RSS reader?
“Ittybiz: F*cking Great Marketing Tips”
or, in a tamer sense
“Ittybiz: Marketing Tips You Haven’t Learned Yet”
Or something to that effect. Which is why people don’t pay me to make taglines …
Anthony,
Completely off-topic… I was just reading an old post of Naomi’s where you said something about hozey-ing and I instantly knew you were from MA. (Snooped on your site to be sure, too.) I have nothing insightful to say at all, just a two-months-belated hahaha.
Later,
Kelly
@ Mr. Polite - If I go with We Got Class, I think I’ll have to change it to “We Gots Class”. Just to make it more, you know, classy.
@ Ellen - Rawsome sounds like something from professional wrestling. I love it! I don’t think I have the tits to be a professional wrestler, though. Then again, I also don’t have nearly enough hair, so I’m probably destined to be nothing more than a groupie anyway.
@ Kelly - Ooh, I love NSFW. What’s MMO?
@ Dave - I like “…you haven’t learned yet”. I could change it from month to month. Marketing tips. Work from home tips. Not killing your kids while working from home tips. It’s endless!
@kelly
Hosey is New England only? I did not know that.. but how do you know? A transplant perhaps?
Naomi,
MMO is “Making Money Online.” So it’s Rolling on Floor Making Money Online and Not Safe for Work. It’s all about the benefits, baby. It took me a few minutes to figure out why do I come back here, and that’s it to me. The benefits of hangin’ at IttyBiz.
The article made me feel better about my mess but worse about my clutter.
If you’d like to feel better about your chilly surroundings, read this one. In which Naomi finds out that she has so many U.S. readers because we’re all jealous of you.
Regards,
Kelly
Hosey (or hozey?) is not just NE only, it’s MA only, and specifically, northerly and easterly in MA. My Mom’s from Connecticut, Dad and I both born in Waltham (this involved Mom moving…), where hosey is said. I’d say even 20 miles west of you they’ve never heard of it (went to UMass and then stayed on as a semi-townie, and it’s never said out there.
Somewhere online there is a very cool dictionary of lingo from that exact region that would probably make you roar. My Dad and I cried over it last summer. I can’t find the link right now but if you get creative and search for Boston jargon or Mass. jargon or something you’ll probably find it.
Lay-tah,
Kelly
IttyBiz - All the S**t You Wish You Knew, and Some You Don’t
Anthony,
The wicked good link is below:
Hosie with var. spellings, from the Wicked Good Guide to Boston English
Enjoy!
@ Mark Dykeman — I found you, dude! You were in Akismet. God knows how much else was being deemed spam. I love “outthinking toddlers daily”. A very accurate portrayal of my life.
@ Kelly — I love that Stuff White People Like. My sister in law sent it to me and I was totally transfixed.
Just riffing off the ‘benefits’ insistence,
how do your Loyal Readers feel about:
1. Spiked Miracle-Gro for Your Biz
2. A Dose of Smart-Funny to that Pain-in-the-Ass SO/HO Fever
3. The Hair-of-the-Dog Cure for Small Biz Blahs
4. The Daily Boot Your Small Business Ass Needs
5. Self-Marketing Made Easy, Like Self-Tattoo
6. The B-12 Your Small Business Needs Daily (Injected)
7. Daily Steroids for Your Business Brain, only Funny
8. Like Bactine on an Owee, Naomi Hurts So Good
9. Strong Enough for an MBA, but Made for a Newbie
10. You’ve Got Dots, We’ve Got Connectors
11. An Acquired Taste for Can’t-Get-Enough Marketing Tips
12. Helping You Realize What You Probably Knew All Along
13. Like the Senior Who Tells it Like It Is to the Juniors
14. Father Knows Best for Your Small Business, but Twisted
by the South Park Guys
15. The Horseradish on Your Small Business Seasoning Shelf
16. A Dose for What Ails Your Budding Business
17. The Antidote to Business School
18. Your Off-Site Marketing Department, Kinda
19. The Kick in Your Marketing Cocktail
(If I knew more about booze I’d suggest something like:
“The Gin in Your Marketing Gimlet” but I’m clueless)
20. Where to Come to Get Smarter, and Feel Pretty Damn Smug About It
(or, more honestly:)
21. Where to Come to Get Smarter and Not Feel so Dumb About It
22. We Got Reasons for Working for Ourselves…
23. Marketing Tips to Make Our Name Incorrect
24. Where You’ll Discover the “I” in “Business” —
and the “itty” in “calamity” — only spelled different
25. Tips to Put the “I” in “Business” —
and the “itty” in “idiosyncrasy” — if it were spelled that way
26. Not for the Faint of Heart Nor Light of Brain Cells
27. The Sharpest Tool in Your Marketing Toolbelt (don’t poke yourself!)
28. Like Running With Scissors, But For Marketing Your Business… like, see, if her tips were scissors, and your competitors, no wait, your customers were… not, um, like…
29. Hot Marketing Tips from a Cool Chick with a Warm Heart in a Cold Place
30. A Spice of the Week Club for Seasoning Your Marketing
31. How to Bullshit About Your Business and Call it Marketing
32. Morning Coffee for Your Small Biz Brain
33. Hot Marketing Tips Served Daily, With a Side of Personality
34. Funny Stories, Serious Take-Aways
35. [207] Loyal Readers Can’t be Wrong
(use a box that keeps changing/updating the number, like the death counter for smokers or whatever — even silly changes, as the pages sits there)
36. Get Your Fix While It’s Still Legal
37. A Daily Rush of Brilliance, Kindly Disguised So Mortals Can Comprehend
38. Smart Marketing Tits That Make You Look Twice
(No, that’s the point…)
39. an MBA’s Mind on a Community College Budget
40. A Nicely Twisted POV That Helps You See Straight
41. Stretch Out, Enjoy the Flight, Naomi’s at the Controls
42. The Tough-but-Warm Drill Sergeant for the SO/HO Privates
43. The Sit-ups You Need for the Marketing Six-Pack You Want
44. A Daily Upgrade to Your Business Brain
45. With All the Flavor and Half the Fat of The Leading Marketing Blog
46. Premium Proof Marketing Tips on a House Label Budget
47. A Smarter, Funnier Version of Yourself — But Not Jealous-Making
48. If Marketing a Small Business Were a Holiday,
It’d be Called IttyBiz
49. Marketing from a POV Like You’ve Never Seen Before
50. Your Morning Marketing Vitamins,
washed down with the hard stuff
51. The Cranberries of Marketing Tips: Tart but Powerful
52. (we could do a lot on that idea… )
53. Daily Antioxidants for Your Small Business
54. The Probiotic of Marketing Blogs
55. For That Daisy-Fresh Feeling,
or for clever marketing tools, your choice
56. Give Us Three Posts, We’ll Give You The World
57. Getting You Hooked, One Useful Post at a Time
58. For That Irrational Exuberance We Need to Keep Going
59. Common Sense, Uncommon Stories, C’mon In
60. The High-Def of Marketing Tips — As Long As That’s Hot
61. Get Brighter Quicker, or Your Money Back
62. Like a Smarter, Funnier Friend Who Makes You Feel Like the Pretty One
63. Hope on a Page, With Marketing Tools That Kick Ass
64. All The Lessons, None of the Pain of Learning Them Firsthand
65. Like Fun Sex, if it were Marketing Tips
Oh, look at that… got a little carried away…
OMG, I adore it…
I lived in Rochester, NY as a young adult and used to run over to (around to?) Toronto as often as possible (up until the little person took all my extra dough for her baby Gap this’n'that). I have been trying to move to Toronto ever since, so that part is true. The rest… okay the rest is sort of horrifyingly true, too. He’s doing a book this fall. I’ll have to peek through my fingers to read it.
:)
Kelly
IttyBiz: How to stick it…out.
Oops the OMG etc. was for Naomi. submitting at the same time as—
GirlPie, you are my new friend. You make my comments look short. Come post at my blog!
I like #4, 9, 11, and 29 (LOL but too long).
And I thought I might riff a bit! Ha!
Until later…
Ummmmmm. Ittybiz: Marketing advice for the little guy.
Ittybiz: The hilarious life of a work-at-home marketer.
Ittybiz: Marketing tips for the above-average.
Ittybiz: Tips and advice from a genuine work-at-home marketing genius.
Ittybiz: Marketing genius of a crazy woman.
Hey, you asked for stupid. Arentcha glad I don’t do this for a living??
You forgive me for the crazy woman comment….right?
Ittybiz - I’ll say what I fucking want and you’ll like it.
Ittybiz - Crass, but hardly an appointment.
Ittybiz - Grass, with harpies aplenty.
Ittybiz - Massive Marketing Ointment
Ittybiz - Chaz, I’m parking the Penguin!
Ittybiz - Glass half-full aardvark joined a gym.
Ittybiz - Seth Godin’s favorite blog*
How ’bout “Artfully Crass” ? Hm. More features…
@ GirlPie — Jesus Christ. Please guest post. Immediately.
@ AmyL — I think the crazy woman one was the best.
@ Bill — Oh my God. Number one actually made me spit out my baguette. Are you married? Would you ever consider marrying me? There’s a bigamy issue there on my end, but I used to be Mormon. We can work around it. Where have you been all my blog?
@ Matt — I like “artfully”… makes me think of the Dodger, who, I must admit, I had a bit of a crush on when we were doing Oliver! in the school play.
OK, I’m voting for; “For that Daisy Fresh Feeling!”
I was buzzing through GirlPie’s list and involuntarily guffawed… and a guffaw is good at near-midnight when I should have shut down already. Cheers.
Safe:
IttyBiz — Teeny Tiny Tips For Your Itty Bitty Biz
IttyBiz — Cheeky Tips For Tipsy Peeps
Stupid/Bizarre/Irrelevant:
IttyBiz — Fuck the semicolon
IttyBiz — Marketing like it’s 1999
IttyBiz — Down with pants! Up with marketing!
IttyBiz — Llama farmers unite!
Sheesh! It’s too early for this…
I’m still recovering from one of your posts from a couple of weeks ago, so my suggestion is:
IttyBiz - Will Naomi pee on the floor today?
Don’t get me wrong - I love your work.
My favorite is defiantly “Defiantly ridiculous.” Yep, that’s defiantly it.
I think I like the “defiantly ridiculous” a lot too… I also like “Marketing genius of a crazy woman” (no offense, but we’re all a little bit nuts here, huh ?).
And I submit :
IttyBiz - Hilarious Kick-Ass Marketing
And I’ve juste discovered a new word so I have to use it :
IttyBiz - Uproarious Kick-Ass Marketing
‘Cause that’s why I keep coming back :)
IttyBiz: Bodacious Business Blather
IttyBiz: Bodacious Business Banter
IttyBiz: Bodacious Business Babble
Sorry…having an alliterative thesaurus spasm! May try again after lunch…
Holy shit guys, this is hilarious! Definitely creative people on this blog.
@Nick- if you have ever heard one of Naomi’s now famous rants about the semi colon then you know how appropriate your suggestion was. I don’t want to play favourites, but that one was my favourite.
@ Rudy — I have a feeling my husband’s university theses were shorter than GirlPie’s list. She should be writing this blog. As a matter of fact, I think I quit.
@ Nick — I think with “Fuck the semicolon” you have truly captured the spirit of this blog.
@ Michelle — I have a feeling my husband is still recovering as well.
@ some other Naomi — You’re defiantly a smart girl. Could be the name.
@ Joohliah — It’s a requirement for admission. I mean, seriously. Do you think sane people come here? What the hell would they get out of it?
@ Crystal — With a domain like BigBrightBulb, you can hardly be faulted.
@ Everyone — Did you see that? Did you see Jamie comment? What you don’t know is that he was racing me to get his comment in before I did. This is what happens when you work from home with your spouse. It gets ugly.
I love some of the suggestions, but I’m worried that GirlPie has too much free time on her hands . . . ;-)
@ Lorna — You’re back! How are you doing? How’s the addition?
I’m back . . . mostly. Baby Dot is doing very well. We’re still getting to know each other, and it gets a little easier as time goes by. If you’d like to see her, check this out: http://www.flickr.com/photos/brewer_rob
@ Lorna — Oh my GOD, dude! She’s beautiful!!!
Why, thank you. I happen to be of the same opinion. ;-)
@Lorna - Beautiful! Congrats!
@Naomi - I like the “artfully”, too. So now I’m thinking:
Artful Marketing Bluntly Delivered (Hm. Adverb. Bleah.)
Artful Marketing Advice Bluntly Given (Hm. Doesn’t really flow, does it? And, again, adverb.)
IttyBiz: Artful. Effectual. Blunt. (Two-dollar word in the middle doesn’t fit.)
IttyBiz: Artful. Kick-ass. Blunt.
Yeah, I like the last one.
… and the copywriter in me is still thinking, “So what?” Benefits, everyone. Benefits. What’s in it for me?
@ James — And I repeat, that’s why it’s called a STUPID tagline. If I wanted a GOOD tagline I would’ve called you or done it myself.
@James - You’re right. You’re right. Okay, how about:
So defiantly ridiculous, she’ll make your competition cry!
A tagline that is, itself, defiantly ridiculous!
At the risk of starting a war, I’m with James (which is of course what I like about ROF MMO & NSFW. A little snarky and “2.0,” yet tells what you’ll get: laughter, money-making tips, and salty language—that’s the bennies of hangin’ with Naomi).
Don’t start shooting until I’m out of the way, okay?
IttyBiz - No “shit” shit, just good shit.
I don’t know why, but that’s the first thing that popped into my head!
Naomi,
This was in my email this morning, from some new research about taglines: “Surprisingly, … the degree of understanding doesn’t necessarily impact how consumers respond to a catchphrase. In fact, consumers who didn’t get the joke often liked the slogan more than consumers who got all the meanings.”
As you probably suspected: no need to talk down to readers. Go ahead and get a little clever or “stupid” if you want to!
Regards,
Kelly
You see people? KELLY UNDERSTANDS ME!
;)
How about: Hire me so you don’t have to live off ramen for the rest of your fucking life
Remind me how old your little asshole, er, angel is now. Mine continues to be fabulous, but in an annoying we-want-to-murder-him-most-of-the-time way. And man, he treats his dad like shit. We are working on it, but I think it’s an unavoidable part of being poo-and-a-half (Cosi’s favorite joke).
Or: It’s marketing advice but with more swear words than usual.
[...] “IttyBiz: All The Lessons, None of the Pain of Learning Them Firsthand” (Today’s stupid tagline brought to you by [...]
[...] As you read on, think on how you can use this method to brainstorm your next product, a new service offering, that client’s logo, or a new tagline [Go GirlPie!]. [...]
[...] here to subscribe to IttyBiz or get out of my fucking shop.” (Today’s stupid tagline brought to you by Alisha [...]
[...] here to subscribe. “Ittybiz: Small business tips for the above-average.” (Today’s stupid tagline brought to you by [...]
Lemon Squeezy
Cruckin’ Fazy
Whip it out and let it hit the floor
Let’s make some goddam money
Advanced Delinquency
Fuck You Fuckball
Stickin’ it to the Man - and making him pay for more.
Commerce in denim or paisley
You can’t turn away
Perforated Skin
Just found your blog, by the way, and am pleased to be able to say I fucking love it!
[...] me this in an email. Thank you, George. Now I don’t have to write a post. To James Chartrand, the tagline hater? You may bite me. To Melanie Despard, no, this does not give you permission to start sending me [...]
“Winter and Construction”… I laugh because I hear it a million times a day, and also because it’s so ridiculously true.
I’m sorry. I don’t have a witty tagline. I suck at writing taglines.
[...] subscribe to IttyBiz. “Like Bactine on an owee, IttyBiz hurts so good.” (Today’s stupid tagline courtesy of [...]
[...] so you don’t have to live off ramen for the rest of your fucking life.” (Today’s stupid tagline brought to you by Sonia [...]