Home Business Marketing Lessons from the Homeless Dude
After a few weeks of home business lessons from the sex shop and home business lessons from the tattoo parlour, it’s time for another one. It is Tuesday after all. (I had a request to do a brothel next, but even I don’t know how to track down one of those. Southwestern Ontario is not known for its liberalism.) Therefore, without further ado, here are 5 home business marketing lessons from the homeless dude:
1. Ask for the sale.
You know when you walk by a homeless dude on the street and he’s sitting there with a sign that says “Spare some change?” You know how he never has any money in his cup? You know how you see him there every damn day? He’s there every day because NOBODY’S GIVING HIM ANY MONEY.
Takeaway: Don’t be the dude with the sign and the empty cup. Don’t just post a classified ad or hand out your business card and assume your marketing job is done. It ain’t.
2. Be specific.
I don’t know about you, but I am much more inclined to give money to complete strangers when they have a good reason for wanting it. Like, “My mother just died and I have to get on the next bus to Tulsa or I’ll miss the funeral” or “I’d really love to get a sandwich because I haven’t eaten since Sunday”. Much more likely to make the sale than vague begging.
Takeaway: Tell me what you want me to buy from you and I am much more likely to buy. You do not provide “business solutions” or “quality technology” or “positive results”. You provide dog walking or web hosting or cheese graters.
3. Bark up the right tree.
If you’ve been homeless for a while, you know who is likely to give you money and who isn’t. Certain demographics don’t carry cash. Other demographics don’t have cash to carry. Still more demographics won’t talk to strangers at night no matter how compelling your argument.
The other night I was walking home from the IttyBiz Branch Office — otherwise known as Coffee Culture on Dundas Street — and a guy asked for money. It was dark and he was standing in a not very well lit area and I wasn’t carrying my wallet. I wasn’t carrying a purse, either. Just me, my laptop, and my debit card.
He practically jumps out at me and asks for money. I am a young woman walking alone at night… is that really the best way to start? There is no visual sign that I have money on me and now I’m afraid of you. Um, no. Bad prospect.
Takeaway: Qualify your prospects. Certain people don’t buy. Certain people act cheap. Certain people adore you but can’t afford you. Pay close attention and view the trends.
4. Don’t be a prick.
Speaking of the jump-out-of-the-night dude, I tried to be nice. I said, “I’m really sorry. I don’t have any money on me. Good luck, though.” (I’m much nicer in person than I am on my blog.)
Dude totally lays into me! As in, “Look, lady, I work hard and I’m not out here every night and I just need some fucking money for some dinner, OK? You don’t have to be a bitch about it. A buck woulda been fine.”
That’s when I stopped being nicer than I am on my blog. My mother reads this so I won’t tell you what I said but to the outside observer it looked a lot like me ripping my debit card out of my pocket and waving it in his face yelling, “Are you calling me a liar? Look, fucker! This is what I have! Will this help you?”
Takeaway: I think the takeaway here is obvious.
5. Never doubt the power of the USP.
When my first husband and I moved to Toronto, we were shocked by the amount of people asking money on the street. Not shocked like morally opposed — there were just so many more people there than we were used to. More people than any one person could possibly help. (This is called market saturation and it’s very similar to the web design industry these days.)
People think that you can’t succeed in a saturated market and that’s total bullshit. Many succeed. But they’re the best, and they’re usually the unique ones.
Example One: My ex and I are walking down Queen West and a young man asked if he could make us a bet. He held up a loonie — that’s a dollar for those of you south of the 49th parallel — and said, “I’d like to bet you a dollar that I know where you got your boots.”
Since my ex had owned the boots for seven years and had bought them in a different city, he felt confident about the bet. “You’re on.”
The young man makes a huge show of thinking and posturing and generally being hilarious. (Picture someone who looks like they fell out of a Sex Pistols show with two fingers to each temple looking like he’s thinking so hard he’s trying to conjure up the dead.) Finally, after about a minute, he has the answer.
“You got your boots… ON YOUR FEET!”
Example Two: I used to go to a downtown college and as I was walking to the subway one day, a girl looked up at me from her sidewalk spot and said, “Excuse me, miss? Can you please spare $2.29 for kitten food?” Sure enough, right beside her is a kitten on a leash.
In both of those cases I don’t care if they used the cash to buy cocaine solely for the purpose of doing lines off a Tijuana hooker’s abdomen — they got the cash. And I’m pretty sure they weren’t the only ones.
Takeaway: Don’t be like every other loser. USP, people. USP.
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Image credit: romulusnr
Once again, Naomi, you totally ROCK!! Excellent post. I love the writing, I love the funny, I love the content, as always. I’m not just reading: I’m taking notes!
Moral of the story: Homeless people should accept debit cards.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You made me spit out my gin.
I’m beginning to wonder if there’s anything in life Naomi can’t turn into an entertaining marketing lesson. Keep writing and I’ll keep reading.
This post is so great I had to call the BoyPie into the room to read it to him aloud and with accents (acting out all the homeless dudes except for Creepy Prick.) My first boss in the business taught me that people learn better in a story, and he told some pretty funny stories, but the lessons were oblique at best. These IttyBiz lessons make for BiggieBiz action steps — thanks again for consistently delivering on your potential — to our great benefit.
As always, taking notes….
Can’t wait to hear about lessons from a brothel. Now, can I request “lessons from my kids?” I’ll bet there are lots…. : )
If I understand correctly you give money to do drugs with Mexican prostitutes.
Alright, I’m too Canadian to read these posts because afterwards, I realized that yes. Interac is a problem for the homeless, isn’t it? Is there a solution? How can people start to swipe cards to give money? Could homeless people carry a wireless swiper? There has to be a way to bring them up to technology.
I wonder if they feel the crunch, too, as more people make the switch. Kind of sad, really, and it makes me want to go out and give money to someone.
(Emotional sales pitch catches reader’s heart and squeezes… very good marketing lesson in that.)
@ Timothy - No need to go to Mexico. There are plenty of hookers in Canada too.
I was in San Francisco a few weeks back, walking on a sidewalk with my husband. There was an unsual amount of people standing outside a hot dog vender waiting expectently for something. I turned to my husband to comment about this oddity when suddenly a man DRESSED AS A BUSH jumped out at me and sceamed in my face. ( Yes..he was dressed in branches and leaves from head to his toes with only his face peering out) He seemed to be homeless judging from his tin can and lack of teeth and slurred speech but he had turned his situation into a sidewalk show and the crowd loved him.
I, being scared out of my wits, had screamed uncontrollably and in Knee-jerk reaction, hit him with my camera. THe crowd has thought this to be hysterically funny and were roaring with laughter. When I recovered enough to understand the situation, I advanced on him with my camera and took his picture. To which he retorted, “Hey lady, if I wanted to take a picture of your bush you would charge me a lot of money. Put some money in my jar!”
I responded that he had gotten all the entertainment value from me that he was getting and to tell his audience to pay up. At that point, he looked at the now very large crowd and said “You heard the lady, pay up!”
They filed right over and plopped in the dollars. People will pay good money for a laugh. Even at someone else’s expence.
I read this Blind Man Marketing post yesterday and thought it would apply well to this one.
It’s not too long so I’ll just post it here.
One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of a building
with a hat by his feet and a sign that read:
“I am blind, please help.”
A creative publicist was walking by and stopped to observe.
He saw that the blind man had only a few coins in his hat.
He dropped in more coins and, without asking for permission,
took the sign and rewrote it.
He returned the sign to the blind man and left.
That afternoon the publicist returned to the blind man and noticed
that his hat was full of bills and coins.
The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked
if it was he who had rewritten his sign
and wanted to know what he had written on it.
The publicist responded: “Nothing that was not true. I just wrote the
message a little differently.” He smiled and went on his way.
The new sign read: “Today is Spring and I cannot see it.”
@Wendi: *Especially* at someone else’s expense!
@ Jeremy: Whoa. I actually got teary.
@James, Naomi specified Tijuana but if she gives out cash for doing lines of coke off of hooker’s abdomens in Winnipeg I guess there isn’t that much of a difference…
@ Jeremy — Holy shit, dude. I’m totally crying. DO YOU SEE, PEOPLE? DO YOU SEE THE POWER OF COPYWRITING???
So, I’m thinking a homeless guy should have a sign that says “Please help me get a laptop and wireless Internet.”
Then, once he has that, he could use Paypal to accept Debit and Credit Cards!
How is this for a USP? “Your money will be used to do lines off a Tiajuana hooker’s abdomen.”
OK, maybe not the best, but can it get bonus points for truth in advertising?
I thoroughly enjoyed this, especially Jeremy and Willy’s responses.
What about an article on “Home Business Marketing Lessons From My Oatmeal Throwing Toddler”?
Sounds golden. You may have to pay me for that one.
Chuckling here… Honestly, From the sublime to the outrageous…gotta love it, Naomi.
And now when I think of bush, I will see Wendi and her camera smackdown on the streets Of San Francisco…
And ohh, Spring and I can’t see…..sniff…grabs ya huh?
So much brilliance, so little time to stop right now, but thanks for another rip roaring read packed with a lesson.
:)
Naomi,
Man, the panhandlers in Canada are forward! Asshole. I’ve had them accost me in Montreal. In French. I don’t know how to respond to that. I don’t want to get hit.
Least he didn’t take your debit card. Asshole.
There are a lot of panhandlers in Canada. I don’t get it. I thought Canada was a nice Socialist nation. Unlike the US.
Panhandlers should hit the rich neighborhoods. But if you notice the cops are all on them like stink on shit.
The rich like their roughness from a far.
I wanted to check on you to see if you were okay. Looks like the illness has left and your back to your excellent self. Take care.
E
PS. I love your stories but I can’t afford you. I’m in that demographic.
*cough cough cough cough*
There are actually very few panhandlers in Montreal, Quebec or Ontario. I can’t speak for the other provinces yet; haven’t been there.
I’m going to leave it at that.
@ Ellen — That’s OK. You can buy the ebook. :)
Good one Naomi. I think there will be more than a few of us queueing up for that. :)
@James - Don’t you have any creativity? A wireless swiper? The homeless can accept money the same exact way Naomi does - through PayPal. All you need is a sign “Homeless. Need Food. PayPal Money to HomelessDude@IDontHaveAHomeButIHaveAComputerToGetTheMoney.com.”
If anyone steals this idea, I will hunt him or her down. Informational products are all the rage, and I plan on selling a course on how homeless people can leverage PayPal to increase their daily takes by 764.3%.
Hilarious and useful article. Thanks for this!
Willy Dude. Couldn’t they just go to the library and use their computers. And an email account is free…hm ? You may have something there.
I totally call Willy’s bullshit statistics.
Damn Sonia, I thought I had earned your trust after you backed me up on Copyblogger. I’m hurt. I even added the decimal to make it seem more legit.
[...] Home Business Marketing Lessons from the Homeless Dude [...]
I’ll never look at a homeless beggar the same way again. Thanks to Marti for linking to your post - I’ve added an RSS feed.
Holy shit am I ever late to this party.
But when I read “Today is Spring and I cannot see it,” I just about jumped out of my chair. DAMN.
I love the way you come up with these examples to explain marketing ideas, Naomi. Pure gold. The chick with the kitten was the best. I would’ve given her money just for doing such a great job of asking me for it.
Great picture of the homeless guy infront of the Pike Place Market!
This is my first visit, really enjoyed your blog.
Wendi and Jeremy…Great stories!
[...] home business marketing homeless dude is back to reiterate his [...]
[...] home business marketing homeless dude is back to reiterate his [...]