As I write this, Jack is on his third day of vomiting and liquid refusal. Since he has never vomited before, it has been traumatic all around.

Whatever he has, I think I’m getting it. His sickness started with clinginess — charging over to me and putting his head anywhere he could get it horizontal, or demanding “Uppy?” and putting his head down on my shoulder.

I now know this was not because he loved me but because he was dizzy. World rockingly dizzy. I am not in any pain, but I cannot be vertical for more than about three minutes at a time.

All of this exists to give you an excuse for why the post you’re about to read doesn’t make any sense. Well, some of it makes sense. The part at the end that wasn’t written by me.

Once upon a time, maybe in November, my friend Chris Guillebeau wrote a post. Because it wasn’t appropriate for his blog (it’s way too short and it involves giving people the finger and that’s just not how he rolls at Art of Non-Conformity), he sent it to me.

(By the way, if you are one of the nine people on earth who have not read his ebook, you might want to pick it up. It’s called “The Unconventional Guide to Working for Yourself: Creating Personal Freedom through a Very Small Business“.)

But I didn’t want to run it. It’s not that it wasn’t good. It was just short and I was concerned that the subject matter might alienate people. (Unlike last Friday’s post which was, to use the Havinator’s words, “a sensitive mouse of a delicate flower wrapped in a petunia and swaddled in moonbeams.” Emphasis hers.)

Then I got an email.

Some backstory. I worked with this person previously. They clearly liked me OK because they hired me a second time. The Lovely Jess and I got our wires crossed and this person was scheduled to have an appointment with me on like, the day after Christmas or something. Because I thought nothing was scheduled between December 10th and January 19th, I didn’t look at my calendar, and this person got missed. Totally blanked on the call. Totally my fault.

I apologized. This person figured rescheduling right away would be dumb because both of us were in the middle of a move. This person advised me they would let me know when they wanted to reschedule. I figured we were cool. I said sorry. They said no worries. We all move on, right?

Flash forward to this week, and they’re ready. Because I’m in GMT and they’re in PST, there is 8 hours between us and it is difficult to find a time that works for both of us. They want a weekday time slot that coincides with me homeschooling my kid or putting him to bed. I offer to do a weekend, but this person has other commitments.

The Lovely Jess suggests that I call this person while I’m in Austin for SXSW. That way there is only a three hour time difference and since the Havinator (who I’m renting a house with) gets up at four in the damn morning or something, I figure I’ll have a wider range of availability.

This is her reply to Jess:

“I can be available when she is in US, but will she have time? I’m assuming she is traveling for a reason and will be very busy. You scheduled me right after she moved to UK and as a result, I got bumpted out. Naomi and I talked about it over the email. She knows that wasn’t professional, and I don’t think we want the same thing happen again. Not that I am upset about it, but I’m just saying.

Just a suggestion — when a scheduled meeting / phone session has to be canceled for any reason, it would be professional to be proactive and contact the person to reschedule. (Says a former admin)

Also, if you are unfamiliar with the time zones of the world, you may find the World Clock useful.”

Emphasis mine.

I spent some time in a fancy ass English girls’ school and I’m pretty sure the last time I received a smackdown like this was from my headmistress back in 1987. The only conclusion I can reasonably draw is that I am in a consulting relationship with one of the former staff of Burgess Hill School for Girls.

(Oh, and the next time anybody talks to my staff that way, I’m going to open up a can of whoopass in front of over 10,000 people, the likes of which the internet has never seen. Not that I am upset about it, but I’m just saying.)

So, without further ado, I think now is the perfect time to introduce you to…

How To Give The Finger To Your Worst Customers

After getting a series of emails like the one below a few years ago, I decided to rethink the way I did business:

“Where is my order?!? I have not received a tracking number and need this tomorrow. I am going to call the BBB, my credit card company, and the Attorney General to complain!”

When I hurriedly checked the database, I saw that the customer had placed their order less than 24 hours ago. Less than 24 hours and you’re ready to place a chargeback and call in the authorities? Maybe if you buy from Amazon.com and pay for overnight shipping, you’ll get the hand-holding service you’re looking for, but that’s not how I roll.

I wrote back: “Sorry, I have canceled your order. Feel free to buy from somewhere else.” I then blocked the person’s email address from my mail program and moved on to more important things.

Was I a bad business owner? Well, think what you will… but I believe life is too short to chase customers who have a chip on their shoulder right from the beginning of the relationship. All it takes is one bad apple to take away the joy of doing business with all the good customers – you know, those people whose lives you improve with the stuff you sell.

How to Stop Answering the Phone

I decided a long time ago to stop chasing customers, and one of the strategies I learned was to not provide phone support to prospects. I post a phone number on my business web sites, but in most cases the number goes directly to an automated recording that tells callers to use the web site for support.

When customers request personal help by phone, I tell them, “Sorry, but due to my frequent international travel, I do not provide phone support. I understand if this means you won’t buy something from our company.”

This practice has been incredibly freeing. A few people have complained over the years, but I’ve made the policy as transparent as possible. Interestingly, some of the people who have complained and said they wouldn’t shop from a merchant who did not provide phone support ended up buying anyway.

There Is no “Everyone”

No matter what you sell, remember this: your target market is not everyone.

Your business can not serve everyone.

If you try to help everyone, the odds are that no one will be attracted to what you offer.

Filtering is good for you and your customers. Because you can’t do it all, you might as well find a way to do what you’re best at. And by the way, ’m not advocating that you act like an asshole to anyone. In fact, I think you should provide great customer service – to the right people.

The answer is to keep your good customers and do amazing things for them. Rock their world, and they’ll make you a hero.

As for the rest, give them the finger and move on. You have better things to do, right?

Chris Guillebeau is an entrepreneur and world traveler who writes at The Art of Nonconformity. His microbusiness has supported him since he gave the finger to his FedEx job when he was 19 (11 years ago), allowing him to visit 100 countries and spend four years volunteering in West Africa. Learn more in the Unconventional Guide to Working for Yourself, a 60+ page report with three 20-minute audio sessions all about creating your own freedom.