How To Make Sure Your Ads Are Ignored And Your Money Is Wasted

Can I make a confession? When I watch something on YouTube and think it’s awesome, I don’t want to tell anybody about it because I’m secretly convinced everybody has already seen it and will think I’m a loser for only finding out about it now.

Now that I’ve got that off my chest, let’s talk about a video, shall we?

Go to Stuff4Business and check out Lindsay’s post, titled How To Create a Very Boring Advertisement That Will NOT Work. Go. Now. I’d embed the video myself but, a.) I don’t know how and Jamie is busy, and b.) then you wouldn’t go to Lindsay’s site

Why do people do this? Why do people pay good money for bad advertising? Why do people make bad advertising? I don’t understand this because we are all consumers. When I’m creating a campaign for somebody’s home business, my first thought is, “Would this ad make me buy this product?” Then I ask my husband. I ask my friends. I ask the baby. (He’s often very enthusiastic, which I like.)

Why do advertisers and marketers think like advertisers and marketers, not like consumers? It’s not like they don’t shop. It’s not like they’re impervious to marketing and advertising themselves. They need bathroom cleaner and undershirts and engagement rings and cars just like the rest of us.

Before you put pen to paper, think about these things:

Do you even know who your potential customers are?

The other day I was in the lobby of my apartment building. I’m going to repeat that for emphasis. I was in the lobby. Of my apartment building. On the little table under the mailboxes, there’s a stack of flyers. Being the type of person who eats, sleeps, and breathes marketing, I take a look.

“Thinking of Selling Your Home?”

Now, an argument could be made here that this moron’s customers might assume that since she helps you sell your home, she might also help you buy a home. It would be a stupid argument, but it’s an argument. Here’s why it’s wrong. Your customers might be stupid. They might be literal thinkers. They might be busy. You shouldn’t be making them think. Also, it costs three cents to print a flyer. Had she spent the three cents and made one that said, “Tired of your jackass landlord refusing to fix your hallway light?” she might have had my attention.

Is your potential customer listening?

Staying with Bob’s Auto Wash, why are they advertising on the radio? Have you ever been driving down the road, heard an ad for like that and said, “Holy %$#^! I gotta go get me a car wash!”? It’s ridiculous. Go where your customers are, people. You want to sell car washes? Go make friends with a salesman at the local dealership, hand him a fistful of coupons, and promise him free car washes for life. Go to the driving range where people have had to drive up an ugly gravel and dirt road for 300 yards before they got to where they wanted to go. Find the Wal-Mart closest to your car wash and pay some teenager to stick coupons under the windshield wipers. (Oh, and if you ever do that, send someone to make sure they actually did it. Don’t ask me how I know this.)

Unless you’ve been under a rock for the last fifteen years or so, you know that you need to identify your target market. Bob thinks his market is people who need car washes. Bob is wrong. Nobody needs a car wash. People need food. They need shelter. They need love. They do not need a car wash.

Bob’s actual target market is car-owners who are in buying mode. He wants people who own their cars, are physically close to their cars, and are in the mood to spend money. This is why the above three examples work well - whether you’re at the driving range or Wal-Mart or the car dealership, you’re already spending money. When you’re listening to the radio, you’re probably not. The average person listens to the radio three times during the day. Once in the morning, surrounded by slow and idiotic drivers, probably late for work. Not buying mode. Again at work, working. Not buying mode. Lastly, on the way home to their spouse and kids and hopefully a decent dinner. Still not buying mode.

Bob seriously needs to get off the radio.

Does your potential customer care?

Like in the video - you did watch it, didn’t you? - most advertising lists a whole bunch of uselessness that nobody cares about. They don’t identify a Unique Selling Proposition. They don’t differentiate themselves from all the other car washes. They don’t single out anything about their service that will make their customers’ lives easier.

Nobody cares that you have superior technology. Nobody cares about your commitment to quality service. In Bob’s case, nobody cares that his ragmen (ragmen?!) have ten years of experience. They care about their cars.

Bob would be better off saying: “Dirty cars suck. You know it. We know it. That’s why we wash your car for you. We don’t charge a lot, and we’ll give you a balloon to distract your screaming kid. Isn’t that cool?”

I hope you liked the video. I take no credit for it. If, however, you’ve already seen it seven times and are thoroughly bored of it by now, please don’t tell me. I’d rather not know.

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By Naomi Dunford