Look Like an Idiot in 7 Easy Steps
My mom tipped me off to this one. I’d link to her but, tragically, she doesn’t have a blog. (Maybe not so tragic, actually. She’d probably just talk about cleaning as a recreational activity and how much she hearts the color beige. She’d say “hearts”, too, because she’s hip like that.)
Anyway, today we pick on Microsoft. (Put it back in your pants, Mac fans. Not that kind of picking on Microsoft.) Matt Farrington-Smith, someone with a tremendously long title who hangs out at MSN UK, put out a list of seven deadly sins of blogging. (Is it just me who can only remember 6 of the 7 real sins at a time? There’s always one I forget. Different one each time, too. Weird.)
So, if you want to go check it out, by all means. In the mean time, I’ll give you the synopsis.
1. Not blogging.
2. Blog only when you have something to say. (I assume he meant this to be what you’re supposed to do, thus making it a virtue and not a sin.)
3. Having a meaningless post title.
4. Not leaving comments for your friends.
5. Don’t delete your comments.
6. Don’t strive for perfection.
7. Shameless self-promotion.
He invites comments, too. Doesn’t seem like he’s got any, but he invites them. Hard-headed journalist that I am, I did a little investigative research into a few of his previous posts and — who knew? — nothing there either. I’m obviously extremely wise on topics such as these, so I figured I’d bang up a lil’ list of my own.
1. When slapping up some content because you have a quota to meet, read it before you click “publish”. The “7 Deadly Sins of…” and the “7 Habits of Highly Effective…” and “How To _____ Friends and _____ People” are all popular and gimmicky and fine. You’re not going to win a Pulitzer, but everybody does them. They’re linkbait. Or filler. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’re going to give seven deadly sins, give seven deadly sins. Don’t give six minor errors and a handy tip.
(For a bang up version of the 7 Deadly Sins, read Jarkko’s 7 Deadly Sins of a Side Business Entrepreneur. It has Latin and a really scary looking lady doing some serious damage to an éclair.)
2. Don’t act like an expert when there is visible proof that you’re not. Dude has no comments. He’s not exactly the Blogging King of the World, is he? Considering he lists “not leaving comments for your friends” as a DEADLY sin and he has no comments, it kind of looks like he doesn’t have any friends, doesn’t it?
Don’t write a post on getting new RSS subscribers when your Feedburner count of 54 is proudly displayed in your corner. Don’t write an article on how to lose weight when there’s a big fat picture of your chubby mug in the other corner. It’s lame. We can call it inauthentic and we can call it untransparent (which I guess would be opaque) or we can call it whatever we want, but at its heart, it’s lame.
And, scanners, this is the most important:
3. Eliminate barriers to action. This is important for blogging, for business, for dating, for pretty much life. Do not put up roadblocks to your desired outcome. I went to see how many comments there were, meaning I had to pretend I was going to comment, and it told me I had to login using my blahblahblah account. When you ask me for my feedback, do not make me jump through hoops to give you my feedback. Business-wise, and in this case blog-wise, this is totally retarded.
Do not make it hard. I am extremely lazy. I’m not going to whip out my handy laminated password card so I can log in to comment on your blog post. It’s just not that important to me.
I hate commenting on Blogger blogs because I have to login. (Google has finally figured out how to keep my login, but it’s still a pain in the ass.) I hate it when Typepad makes me go to a separate page with the wiggly Captcha words. Every step you put in the way, you’re giving me one more door with a big red EXIT written on it. Don’t.
I know. You’re terrified of spam. Oh, spam. The horror. The terror. The shame. “What if I lose all credibility?” you shriek.
Honey, you have 9 subscribers. You don’t have any credibility to lose.
If you get spam, you can login to Wordpress and click “spam”. Hell, you can even do it from your inbox. Takes two seconds. Relax about the spam. It won’t kill you. When you’re getting two comments a post and 91 pageviews a day, spam is not what you should be concerned about.
Anyway, thanks Mom. I was terrified I’d actually have to think of something intelligent to say for today’s post and now I can just slam Matt instead.
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YEAH! YEAH! UNGH! (that’s the sound of me punching the air and displaying my war-grimace.)
Oh, yeah: first!
Common Naomi give this guy a break. Actually the link doesn’t work and I so wanted to be his 55th subscriber. Now I can’t.
You are correct though with your comment comment. I stopped commenting on blogger blogs for exactly that reason as it is soooo slow.
Being on edge all the time I just haven’t got the want to bother.
You have a bad link on the “7 Deadly Sins” thingy. Being the web detective I am, I found the post anyway. I’m off to read it now.
P.S. Where are those sexy biz cards you promised?
@ Y’all – The link is fixed. I can’t even use drunk as an excuse anymore. Shit.
@ Michael – I will sleep easier, knowing you have a war grimace. That is the most delightful sentence I have read all week.
@ Monika – He may have a bazillion worshipers. Sadly, we’ll never know. What I do know is that it must have been picked up by something big, because it’s not like my mother is trolling around doing Del.icio.us searches, you know?
@ CSO – You crazy web detective, you. Re: cards. Um, yeah. Totally bailed. (Me, not him.) I forgot and then I got busy and then I forgot again. Maybe I’ll just hold out for yours. Love the knitting/Digg thing, btw. I want Tetris knitwear.
Hey Naomi, thanks for linking to my post! (Although, as CSO points out, the link’s broken…)
The first thing I did when I went to see this guy’s blog was to go and check how many comments he has. Scrolled down the page – nothing – just a link to comments. Well, needless to say that I didn’t even click on the link… Why, oh why do people like Microsoft try to make people blog on places like MSN that just spoil the whole thing??
YOUR link is broken, too? Jesus. I suck. Fixing now.
Why, oh why indeed.
Alright, I admit it, I’m guilty of a “7 Deadly” post (Forgive me, Naomi, for I have sinned – twice if you count the shameless self-promotion). In fact, it was a series. But it was good, I swear!
I agree with you on the credibility issue. Lately I’ve been wondering if it was just me, or were there a number of bloggers out there just spouting off advice and not following it themselves. I know if I’m writing about X, and telling my readers to do X, you can damn well bet that I’ve tried X myself and I know what I’m talking about. There’s nothing worse than getting called out as a fraud.
Naomi, I love you! No really!
Ok I gotta go back to my WordPress admin and write a list of 7 mind-blowing ways to market you freelance business (well, actually that’s not a bad title, not bad at all, that’s a Digg front page right there baby!)… ok I gotta write that, but before I got 3-4 spam comments to delete :)
I have to partially agree with #2. I don’t get a lot of comments (yet) and I don’t have a lot of subscribers (yet), but does that make me less of an expert in my field? Maybe I don’t have any friends either.
Granted, instead of telling people how to get more RSS subscribers, I’m more likely to mock myself for not having any. I’ll know I’ve arrived, when James comes over to comment.
Yeah, I never really like the blogger form where it makes you type in the captcha word thingamajigger. Akismet for wordpress really is a godsend… no weird commenting forms needed, and it’s caught over 20k spam comments for me so far… of which only maybe .1% have shown up on the actual post comments.
@Dave, that’s what I was thinking too, but then I looked back and realized that she said don’t act like an expert if there’s VISIBLE proof that you aren’t an expert. Looking at your blog (which is pretty awesome by the way) there’s nothing that makes me say, what does he think he’s doing… he’s not an expert in his field!
Thanks Allison. I don’t know how awesome it is since the damn thing won’t work right on IE7 (Damn you Bill!!), but I’ll take the compliments where I can get them.
I think it’s important to be bold in what you write. Say things honestly as they are but still with authority, even if your authority is still building up.
If you wait until everyone thinks you’re an expert and only then start acting like one, you will never be considered an expert.
But yeah, I agree with all of you. This guy doesn’t have ANY proof for being the expert he tries to be (plus all his tips have already been posted somewhere else in a better form, so he’s not original either).
Bottom line: be honest, or fake your experience really well (…in order to be able to do this, I guess you already have to be an expert of some kind…though).
I just wanted to follow up my last comment because for the first time in, well ever, I referred to myself as an expert. Normally I wouldn’t be so bold because I have this amazing talent for self-doubt, but I’m trying to change my mindset thanks largely in part to Mrs. Dunford, and the other horsemen.
@ Michael Martine – I’d have been “first!” if I hadn’t had to fix my furnace last night (priorities, priorities…) :)
(but, today in my house, I am definitely the man)
@ Naomi – when I saw the title to this post, I thought, if I wrote this same list for me, step 1 would be ‘get out of bed’…
Can I just say now how much I CANNOT STAND Blogger blogs? I CANNOT STAND partial feeds. Most of the time, I get Captchas wrong too, because I CANNOT READ the friggin’ letters properly. By the third try, it’s a question of do or die. I CANNOT STAND a site that looks like crap. I CANNOT STAND regurgitated content. Be friggin’ original, people. I CANNOT STAND having to register to comment. I CANNOT STAND commenting on blogs where everyone ignores me.
Oh, and the big kicker – I CANNOT STAND blogs that don’t have a Subscribe to Comments feature.
Thankfully, Naomi does. Because I nagged at her. I heart Naomi.
@ Dave – This is interesting – I’ve become number 2 in the list of “Five Ways to Know You’ve Made it as a Blogger” :)
@James: Well said. The easy solution that I take these days is to ignore any blog that fails in more than one of those aspects – too bad if it’s a good blog otherwise, though… But life’s tough.
I’m glad I added the subscribe to comments plugin… :)
@ Jarkko – that was the first thing James suggested when he stopped by my “test blog”. I had a look, discovered you couldn’t do that with the freely hosted WordPress, and thought “that’s dumb, nobody will want to come to my page”.
So that’s why I’m working towards a hosted service, right now.
And yes, Captchas must die. Slowly. In the Sarlacc pit.
Ha, that’s right, I nagged you too!
Anyone else need a shove in the right direction? ;)
I should put a sub-title on my blog that says:
“all nags welcome”
“When you ask me for my feedback, do not make me jump through hoops to give you my feedback”
Can I just say that I’m with you 100% sistah! This bugs the living daylights out of me. (thanks for letting me get that off my chest – mucho better now) :-)
For #2: I think he actually meant it. But not in a “blog even when you have nothing to say” way, but a “everytime you have something to say, you do not have to blog it” way.
I hate blogger’s commenting system too, so clunky and slow…
Hi Naomi. A mom is suppose to share embarrassing stories of her kids. If you’d stop beating your mom to it, maybe she would have some motivation to start her own blog. :-)
For a long time I had the perception that the average bloggers were wannabes who wrote about what they wished they could be doing. Your 2nd tip reminds me to be thankful that I’ve found some quality blogs to follow.
Cute, Naomi. Okay, maybe you weren’t going for ‘cute’- but it’s really true. It’s so easy to mistake ‘have a confident voice’ for ‘faking like someone (or something) you’re not.’
One can be confident, clear, and still unsure of something. There’s a difference between having a confidence in your personhood, who you are, and how you speak, versus perhaps being unsure or have a lack of experience on a topic.
I’ve noticed that I’ll overlook a lack of expertise on a topic, if the person who is writing is interesting enough to read.
Like I said, cute.
“…now I can just slam Matt instead.”
Why? What did I do? Oh. That other Matt. Whew!
I like to think of this as “Commandment #7.”
The RSS thing cracked me up. It amazes me how many people muster the energy to blog the same stuff in the same language chasing the same readers. The optimism is nice to see, I guess.
I have a metaphor but it is maybe too crude even for ittybiz.
No, wait, commandment #9. Although #7 is good too.
@Dave: It’s okay, I’m on FF and oh believe me, I know the hell of trying to get a website to work on IE!
@James: You’ve given me some things to consider… *Allison figuratively runs and sees about adding a subscribe to comment thingy… because she never thought of that before!*
@ Allison – :)
Well, duh, it’s Microsoft..
In 1993 I sat in on meeting with a bunch of high volume computer resellers. I was there because one of them wanted to talk about Unix, just about everybody else was selling Microsoft.
At that time, Microsoft did not use TCP/IP. They had their own very limited networking protocol. Of course if you wanted to get on the then still nascent Internet, you needed TCP/IP. I told the assembled group of Microsoft lovers that Microsoft needed to get on the TCP/IP bandwagon and if they did not, the world was going to pass them by.
Of course eventually Microsoft figured that out for themselves, but that entire group basically laughed at me and figuratively patted me on the head as a nice man with a silly idea.
Microsoft seldom has half a clue about anything. Look at them now, trying to buy Yahoo.. as though two search and advertising losers are going to combine to a winner? Not likely..
Go James go!
(re: Allison running…)
@Anthony – Speaking of search engines, not sure if you’ve seen it or not, but the latest issue of Fast Company has Google at the top of their Fast 50 List with notes from a dozen or more people from the company talking about why Google is kick ass. It made me want to move to San Jose and stand at the doors until they gave me a job doing something, anything.
Hell, I’d clean toilets just because they’d probably let me do it my way.
Hey Naomi, I should really thank you for sending all of this traffic my way! We can now be proud of our extra 32 page views.
It’s amazing that you (no sorry, your mom) picked up the article all the way over there in Canada. Despite some of the knocking comments, it’s actually quite an honour to get a mention!
The blog is part of a website that is still in very early stages so we’re not yet graced with the stampede of comments that I’m sure you are used to. But still, why not leave your comments on the blog itself – it might actually get a conversation started. Can only be a good thing, no?
Matt
Matt: Mom is now in the UK, so you can stop being amazed that she picked up the article all the way over there in Canada.
Sterling says: “A mom is suppose to share embarrassing stories of her kids. If you’d stop beating your mom to it, maybe she would have some motivation to start her own blog. :-)”
Oh my dear Sterling…. the things I could tell you (and for a small fee I might be persuaded to…)
I was actually thinking of starting my own blog… I thought I would talk about cleaning as a recreational activity (Sterling, I can tell you this… my own daughter hates the fact that she’s actually turning into her own mother… cleaning things because she wants to, not just because mother-in-law is visiting – note that she doesn’t clean when I’m visiting – she leaves that for me). I think I’ll talk about how underrated the color beige is… I heart beige… always have… (Sterling, my own daughter thinks I AM the color beige – she’s right, of course, but that only shows her up in glorious color…)
@ Naomi’s Mom – I’m honored to meet you. I’m James, the Comment King (otherwise known as spammy pants by your daughter), and I think that you should start your own blog so I can come hang out with you and talk about how I should clean more often and get advice on raising two kids. Also note that you should put in a good word for me with Naomi – I’m still waiting for her to declare us BFF again. I heart blue. Not beige. Unless they’re horses.
@Naomi’s Mom: *waves* Pleasure to meet you. I’m Harry, James’ business partner and the one responsible for keeping him in line. Believe me, that’s more of a job than a house full of kids. Loved your comment, I can see where Naomi gets her great sense of humor from.
@ Naomi’s Mom – nice to meet you too. I’m the guy who would have been the Comment King if not for James, so instead I can be known as the father of a 6-year old boy and 3-year old triplets (two more boys, and a little girl). Your daughter keeps me laughing and (mostly) out of trouble… in all seriousness, her words here have helped inspire me to start my own blog and really work on my writing.
It is obvious that you’ve done a great job being “mom”.
@ my mom – Please do not be charming on my blog. It will completely ruin my credibility when I complain about you later.
@ James – You’re sucking up to my mom now? Dude that is so low.
@ Brett – Thank you for your kind words, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell my mom you’ve got triplets. If you do this and you sound lucid when you do so, it will make her think that more children is a reasonable idea, and that’s a thought she really doesn’t need to get into her head.
@ Harry – Thank you for all that you do. I cannot imagine doing your job. :-)
@ Matt – It’s pretty cool to know that there is a real human behind an MSN blog – thanks for coming. In answer to the comments question, well, I didn’t and won’t because logging in to comment — let alone signing up to comment — is a big pain in the butt. That’s the platform’s problem, not yours, but will affect the outcome.
@ Naomi: Jippieya, the guy has now 2 comments and 3 friends. And all thanks to your post. ;-)
@ Naomi’s mom: *grabs her and gives her a cyber hug* great to meet you. I’m the chick who likes to be Naomi’s comment queen so next time she does another kick ass post she will remember me for a regular and not some passers by “fleeting” person.
I’d invite her for a beer to get to know her better but unless Australia moves closer to Canada this ain’t happening. Meanwhile I’m happy to pour another cyber beer for any thirsty souls.
Well, I claim to be a bit of a marketing expert. Although my blog is weak and fairly new, and not well promoted at this time, I like to think it maybe has some good stuff on it.
Maybe this comment will encourage people to go check it out. I may even get some subscribers!!
By the way, Naomi, you get my award for favorite blog post with your post last week about “Violent Snuggling.”
So yes, this comment is aggressive pimping of my own blog, but at least I am being very transparent about it. And it IS topical in regards to your post.
@ Brent II – Your name is Brent II now, because of Brent Legree, who is already Brent. If it makes you feel any better, there’s a “some other Naomi” as well, but she picked her own name. We could use real names but that would make this seem like a legitimate and serious blog, which it clearly is not.
Anyway, thanks for coming, and feel free to pimp on my blog. Everybody else does. We have whole streams of comments coming from people telling my readers how awesome they are. You’ll fit right in. :)
@ Naomi – No no! I was… I like moms. Moms are nice people. Moms have a hard life and I was being nice. And gentlemanly. And putting a good word in.
@ Brent – Well done. And keep your name. The other guy is Brett, not Brent. Close, though!
@ Monika – My toddler asked me today who I was working for. I said, “A woman named Heather, a man named Charles and another man named Brad.” “Where do they live?” “In the city, honey.” “Oooohhhh is that where they have the kangaroos?”
Obviously, we don’t get out enough.
Uh, oops. I’ll play the drunk card on that one.
And kangaroos? They have kangaroos in QC?
I would prefer not to be called Dave II, Also Dave or The Other Dave.
Thank you for your support.
Sorry. International clients. My daughter assumes all the people I work for live in Australia.
I obviously don’t get away from the computer enough because I just realized that this mig… uh… well…
You know, I could really use a coffee.
@ Dave – Mighty Dave?
@ Dave “I” Conrey – There is a special set of rules in place for people with extremely common names, so you’re safe.
If we had a Hortense, and then another one came along months later, Hortense II becomes Hortense II, because no-one knew Hortense I by her last name anyway. Too bad, so sad. But Dave and Joe and Steve keep their real names because people knew they’d have to use them from the beginning. Nobody expects to know only one Dave, but more than one Hortense fucks people up. It’s complex, kind of like A Series Of Tubes.
Now we’re even Naomi. You didn’t get the sun god robes and throwing little pickles reference on my site, and I don’t get the series of tubes reference, but my guess is it’s a Douglas Adams reference.
HA! I don’t know a lot about it either. Apparently, US senator Ted Stevens went on TV talking about net neutrality and said this:
“Ten movies streaming across that, that Internet, and what happens to your own personal Internet? I just the other day got… an Internet was sent by my staff at 10 o’clock in the morning on Friday, I got it yesterday [Tuesday]. Why? Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the Internet commercially.
[...] They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the Internet. And again, the Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It’s not a big truck. It’s a series of tubes. And if you don’t understand, those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it’s going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.”
Totally Wikipedia. Now it’s semi-pop-culture.
*hums* These are the Daves I know I know…
sorry, Kids in the Hall flashback.
@ Naomi – if I sound lucid or even very slightly sane when I talk about it, I’m probably drunk… :) seriously though, have as many children as you want, but for heaven’s sakes have them one at a time.
(A co-worker of mine said she thought I was “lucky” to have the bulk of my children all at once. I laughed for weeks – and I didn’t even have the “pleasure” of carrying them around in my belly…)
But, as I may have said before, having two children is like having four; having three is like having five; and having four is like having two – because you stop caring.
I’d like to explore whether having six is like having none, but the other person who’d have to help me out on this will have none of it…
This is very good advice, Dave. Your wife is also a very smart woman. The thought of three children at once is basically inconceivable to me. I think it’s like that woman who had 7… once you get past one per birth, it seems to be pretty much mayhem from there on out.
See, the birth is probably the easy part (and I say, probably, because I really didn’t do too much for my part of the pregnancy – we all know how that works…)
No, it is when they all get stomach flu for the first time, at the same time, and all three of them are simultaneously vomiting and pooping.
Six messy ends all at once, three sleepers to change every couple of hours, 24-hour coffee drinking for mom & dad…
And the biggest rip-off of them all, parental leave doesn’t treat you fairly – oh no, if you have them one at a time, you get leave for each child, but if you have them in “sets”, you don’t get a multiple of the standard time.
I actually called HR at my company and asked if I could have three years off – you know, made sense to my demented brain – I think they are still laughing at me… :)
LOL! I heart Naomi’s Mom.
@ Naomi: did you call my name sugar? I’m right here right now attracted by the call of your mighty word. ;-)
@ Hortense: stop playing my alter ego, I told you before this isn’t how it’s done.
@ James: Kangaroos in QC, right now the roos are on a pub crawl.
@ everyone – Oh my gosh look at all those chatty pants !!! How can I keep up with work reading all these comments ?!?
@ James – *Joohliah copies and pastes your advice for a good blog so that she remembers it when her own blog is launched*
@ Naomi’s mum – Nice meeting you, congratulations on your awesome daughter. But could you ask her to pass over the sugar please ? She’s been holding on to it for almost 2 days now !
@ Brett – Wordpress doesn’t have a “subscribe to comments” plugin ?!? OOooh shit :(
@ Joohliah – Wordpress that is self-hosted does. Wordpress through the Wordpress site doesn’t :)
@ Joohlia – Yeah, what James said. You gotta have it self-hosted if you want to really rock the blog.
@ Joohliah – I was tempted to write a post called “failure number three” on my little test blog about that exact thing. Well, I called it “fail early, fail often” for a reason, so that I could learn very quickly that I need a hosted site.
@ James, Michael & Brett – Thanks for the hints, I’ll be saved by joohliah.com then :D I found a wordpress “subscribe to comments” plugin, I’ll test it when I’m done with translating my blog interface (yeah, a single language was FAR too simple ; I found it more challenging to start with a bilingual blog ^^).
I’ll let you know as soon as it’s open, so you can nag all you want ;)
@ Brett – I love your subtitle “all nags welcome”, but I would change it too “all constructive nags welcome” :D
… for all your French-English translation needs, feel free to contact MwP!
@ James – thanks for the offer, but for the moment my mum, who’s a retired english teacher, will be glad to keep busy with this… But I might get fed up with sending her all of my posts and get to a more professional technique in a while ;)
@ Joohliah – it is tempting, I might add it just for fun!
Yes, please, let us know when your blog is open for business, all nags will be constructive and relevant… can’t wait to see it!
Take your bloody sugar. I hope you’re happy.
@ Naomi,
*Glurps*
Thank you…
*Joohliah helps herself to some sugar, hands it shakily to Monika, and tiptoes out of the room*
Ever since reading this post, every time I comment on someone’s blog, your #3 is automatically reciting in my head. Damn, you’re good..
@ Joohliah – “Glurps”? That’s the best word ever!
@ Tanya – Good. The brain control has begun. Seriously, though, doesn’t it just make you whacky when they make you bust your ass to up THEIR comment numbers?
*Monika kindly denies Jooliah’s offer of sugar since she is already sweet enough and high as a druggo from reading all these hilarious comments, so she passes it on to James who never seems to sleep and might need some extra substance to keep going*
*yoink* I’ll take that, thank you. :) It’s good to see I’m not the only one burning the midnight oil while the Comment King, Lord Chatty Pants Himself, gets his beauty sleep.
*Joohliah, still trying to wake up for good, gets a huge smile on her face reading your comments, and decides this is gonna be a great saturday in Paris*
I hope James had a good night. Someone will have to remind him to take the cucumber slices off his eyes when he gets here, it doesn’t look very professionnal… :-S
*stumbles over to the site with thick, thick coffee, grabs the sugar from Harry, dumps it all in his cup and begins the process of waking during pitch dark while muttering something about f**king cats and cold floors.*
@ Joohliah – No cucumbers. No frou-frou here. And I slept okay, thanks :) Just not enough. 5 hours sucks.
@ Harry – I think you gave me your insomnia or something. Thanks, bro.
@ Monika – Sugar and coffee = jet fuel for James. You’re lovely.
[...] to start my second series looking at the same topic from a different angle, both Naomi from IttyBiz and Skellie from Anywired linked to one of the posts in the original series: The Seven Deadly Sins [...]