Oct
28
Wherein We Define Marketing And Its Related Sub-Industries Using Sexual Prowess As Our Metaphor
My good friend (and the very nice woman who sold me her house… did I mention I bought a house? I bought a house. Thanks, Mel!) sent me this email today with the preface, “I know you hate forwards, but I had to send you this.”
And let’s be honest. What’s the point in being internet famous if you can’t pass your email forwards on to 20,000 people?
Now, we at IttyBiz have our own definition of marketing, and it is better than this one because it has a swear word in it. But this one isn’t bad. Also, as an email forward, it doesn’t have to adhere to the stringent publishing standards of, say, a blog post.
Therefore, with that caveat in place, I give you… the definition of marketing:
“The buzz word in today’s business world is MARKETING.
However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of Marketing.
Here it is:
You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, “She’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed,” That’s Brand Recognition.
You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That’s a Sales Rep.
Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. That’s Tech Support.
You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” That’s Junk Mail.”
I only have one issue with this little allegory. What happened to referrals?
Nice to know that I’m sloppy seconds. ;)
I think these all qualify as “social media,” too. Some more social than others, of course…
If your friend goes and tells the guy you’re good in bed, the guy kisses her and then sleeps with you, would that be affiliate marketing?
I’m thinking the guy who makes who refers all his friends to the woman who is good in bed becomes a pimp.
All the best!
deb
He’s a pimp only if he gets affiliate commissions.
Also, does this make marriage a continuity program?
You go into the men’s locker room at the gym and write your own name and number on the wall saying you’re good in bed. That’s guerrilla marketing.
You get one of those inflatables mounted on the roof of your house saying you’re good in bed, that’s gorilla marketing.
You find a guy, tell him you’re fantastic in bed, sleep with him and then keep showing up at his house sleeping with him every few days, trying new positions, techniques and toys until he marries you – that’s an auto responder
You find a guy, tell him you’re fantastic in bed, sleep with him and then keep showing up at his house sleeping with him every few days, becoming kinkier and kinkier until he hangs himself in the closet autoerotic asphyxiation responder
You are at a party and a girl comes up to you and says, “I’m good in bed.” You tweet on your blackberry that a girl told you that, “A girl just told me that she is good in bed.” By the time you are finished tweeting, the girl is gone and you are still a virgin – that’s a social media expert!
OK my last one did not make much sense. Try this one:
A girl comes up to you at a party and says, “I am fantastic in bed . . . let’s go back to my place.” Before you get to her place, she wants to stop and get a drink. You buy her a drink. Her friends show up. Before you can leave to go to her place, you have to buy them all drinks. You get back to her place and she tells you, “I am fantastic in bed, but you have to take me on a real date to find out how fantastic.”
The next Friday you go out on a date, then another. A few months later she says, “Let’s go on vacation, then you will find out how fantastic I am.”
You go on vacation, and still don’t get any. Another few months pass and she tells you, “A ring might help.” You propose, get married, then find out she is as fantastic as a dead fish.
That’s a sales funnel.
Your fraternity targets a specific sorority on campus, and sets a goal that you’ll sleep with every single member.
That’s Market Penetration.
You take two girls to bed, and try to determine which one is more skilled at pleasuring you.
That’s an A/B Split.
You keep a little black book of all the men you’ve slept with, and how they performed.
That’s a Dupe Check.
I don’t think I learned a whole lot from this funny little post. But I sure did laugh my ass off! Thanks, Naomi :)
(P.S. Loved Lee’s autoresponder comment – that was a pretty cool add-on to your list!)
O.K. I will play.
You’re at this party and you sit in the corner and sip something, anything, and you take notes on how everyone else is hooking up.
That is benchmarking.
Or
You only tell the related cousins of the boss you slept with last week that you are fantastic in bed and want to sleep with them
That is Brand Identity
I actually did learn a lot from this post. Nice way of making a vague understanding a bit more colorful.
Only suggestion: next time include a male rubbing his junk for a “public relations” example.
It’s good PR for women (and men) to play around with stereotypical examples. It makes room for bigger thinking . . .even change.
I believe that a referral would be when your ex assures his two best friends of your sexual prowess and encourages them to sleep with you.
You prove to be fantastic in bed, email a week later to ensure that, yes, the man agrees you were fantastic in bed and then ask if you can use his words when you tell the next man you’re fantastic in bed.
That’s getting testimonials.
You prove to be fantastic in bed, email a week later to ensure that, yes, the man agrees you were fantastic in bed and then ask if you can use his words when you tell the next man you’re fantastic in bed.
That’s getting testimonials.
P.S. – Sorry, forgot to tell you great post!
You put up a website offering to show people how to make money teaching people how to hook up with the opposite sex. You offer plenty of free tips, always offering admission to the membership program for only $147 / month.
When they finally buy, you send them directions for creating a membership site for people looking to hook up with the opposite sex. That’s internet marketing.
[/sarcasm]
Hey! How come you make Marketing and “all the above” so fun!? And why did “Brand Recongition” make me laugh way out loud sitting here all alone??? hmmm.
Tanx for today’s creative lingo, N.
Great Post. Will you be doing one on “deceptive marketing practices”?
Is that a serious question? Because, sure, I could. We’re getting some interesting thoughts on the idea on Twitter.
The thing I find most interesting is how many of people’s examples of deceptive are within the letter of the law. I guess that’s what makes it so deceptive. I suppose the fact that I find it interesting is pretty naive.
Yes, I am serious. I am certain your readers can provide plenty of examples that are not “within the letter of the law” and using your format.
Naomi, you get the BEST trolls on your blog. Absolutely.
Wrong. That’s a deal closing call to action. Unless the handsome guy is gay, which let’s face it, he probably is.
Sonia would have your ass for calling that a call to action.
Although, come to think of it, what constitutes a call to action is pretty dependent on the demographic.
Never mind. As you were.
Fuck, we’re geeks.
Okay, so I’m a music geek, and a computer geek, and a food geek. And now apparently I’m a marketing geek because I thought the same thing. Now all I need to do is start collecting stamps.
We should all start collecting stamps. I talked to somebody today who makes two million a year in stamps.
Fucking STAMPS.
You know, if you write “stamps” over and over and over again, it starts to look like you’re spelling it wrong.
stamps stamps stamps stamps stamps
If that handsome guy is gay, and your offer is strong enough, you might see an unanticipated growth spurt in a new direction.
Wait a minute. How has nobody tried “joint venture” yet?
Okay, too easy. How about …
You call the guy back three days later and tell him, “You might want to get yourself checked out.” That’s post sales support.
This is like that tire swing comic meme, but without the clever drawings.
IttyBiz: Like other, better blogs, but without the art. Or the class, come to think of it.
This post Rocks!
And I learned something.
I do wish I had something clever to add…but alas I do not…so I will sit here and giggle and appreciate all of your wit.
I forwarded the link to several of my fiction writers’ groups. Some are full of mystery writers, others are for romance writers.
So many novelists get all confused and deer-in-the-headlights whenever those complicated buzzwords like marketing, branding and PR come up.
Thanks for the colorful, easy-to-understand examples. Even if they did come from ::gasp!:: a Forward. ;)
Hahahaha! God, I needed a good laugh! Scary thing is, I actually learned something from that! Love it!
Great article, but what if you don’t want any Spam?
Hahahaha, I call that AWESOME.
You’ve seen this guy before and since you know you like him, you’ve been through his trash, read his mail and spoken quietly to his friends about what he likes and dislikes. For weeks before the party you’ve primed all your friends to chat to him and casually mention about how great you are at all those things. At the party he’s checking out the room and spots you. He comes over and says “Hey, I hear you’re great in bed”.
That’s SEO, baby.
PS. Rotflmao @ “Sales Funnel” !
This is AWESOME!
You walk up to a guy at a party and say “I’m great in bed – let’s go back to my place” except you don’t go to your place, because it’s a run down trailer with eight screaming kids inside and five good ol hound dogs lounging on the cinderblock steps. Instead you sneak in to somebody’s vacation home on the ritzy side of town – complete with satin sheets and a jacuzzi. The guy totally falls for it.
That’s a LANDING PAGE.
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