Jan
09
Moral Of The Story: Topless Edition (With Photos!)
I was writing this in an email to my good friend, Bill, and I realized that this is the kind of story IttyBiz readers would like. We are discussing my feelings on the topic of semicolons. (If you’re interested, I hate them. A lot. The rage gets unleashed when semicolons come up, and the rage, it is not itty.) Does this have anything to do with home business, you ask? Oh, but it does. Anyway, here’s my email.
“Oh, I stand by my not-so-casual disregard for the semicolon. It all stems from my tattoo. One morning, a teensy bit hungover, I decided to get my tattoo. (My tattoo, and not a tattoo. It had been in the works for a while. This was not a flight of fancy.) I have four Japanese symbols across my back, gleaned from a Japanese-English dictionary. In case you weren’t aware, Japanese-English dictionaries are printed in 6-point font. Like 6 Sigma, but with less “Sigma” and more “point font”.
Anyway, there I am in the tattoo parlour, all by my lonesome on a rainy Tuesday morning, design in hand. Said design has been photocopied and enlarged to within an inch of its life. It begged for mercy and I didn’t care. I settle in to the chair and raise the back of my shirt. Anthony, my friendly neighborhood tattoo parlor employee, asks where exactly I want the ink.
“Right above the bra line,” I say.
“What bra would that be?” Anthony is amused.
I guess I hadn’t worn one. This was before I nursed three ungrateful children.
Anyway, I was totally embarrassed and in a rush to get out. When we were done, I thanked him profusely and essentially ran like hell.
Upon my return home, I showed my roommate. He had seen the desired design many times, so he knew what he was looking for. I pulled up the back of my shirt, removed the gauze, and showed the new art.
“Dude, is that a fucking semicolon on your back?”
Yes, it would seem that in our haste, nobody took the semicolon from the dictionary entry out of the design and it now lives for eternity on my skin.
Moral of the Story: Always Proofread.
If you’re new here, you don’t know the joy that is Moral Of The Story. You may want to check out:
Moral Of The Story: Problogger Edition
Wherein I almost unleash semicolon style rage on Darren Rowse.
Moral Of The Story: Neocitran Edition
Wherein I figure out why I didn’t do too well as a freelance writer.
Moral Of The Story: Marketing To Alcoholics Edition
The one that made Moral Of The Story famous.
Moral Of The Story: Psycho Blogger Edition (With Bonus!)
This is a guest post from my husband, Jamie. Wherein I interrupt, graphically comparing PLR to child pornography and say a very bad word.
Moral Of The Story: Generally Ashamed Edition
Wherein my customer service skills are put to the test.
After all that, how can you not subscribe?
***
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Ok.. I am really sorry you have a semicolon on your back.. but that made me almost fall off my chair laughing! I think it was a crime you didn’t make it into the finalists for the performancing awards!
Thank you, Rose. It’s OK. I’ll get an Oscar instead. Or maybe Oprah will have me in her book club.
Just add a close parenthesis after it! Instant Japanese IM.
Unless it translates to something like “Hope Cheese Loves Jupiter ;)”
Oooh. IM! I can’t believe I never thought of that. I would be so hip it hurts.
So hip you can’t see over your pelvis!
… I’m a geek. Ten geek points to the person who ids the quote!
….
*wipes away the tears of laughter from his eyes and fails miserably at appearing sympathetic. instead he does what any true friend would do. Points and laughs some more.*
I was all prepared from some Vonnegut-ish comment about how the semicolon is the lazy man’s comma. This is a far better story.
Oh, and Kat…
“If there’s anything around here more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot now!”
Now that’s something!
I mean, anyone can have a tattoo written in japanese. But how many have a semicolon at the end of it?
Maybe you could get known as the Semicolon Girl (a bit like the nametag guy, or something…). Would that get you to Oprah’s show?
The characters are actually chinese characters, but were also adopted by the Japanese, except they called it Kanji, and they used it with their own hiragana and katakana components to form their writing system.
This may make you feel worse if you don’t know them already, but the tattoo’s first character ‘mother’ is actually upside down, the second character ‘girl’ or ‘female’ is tilted at an angle, the third, ‘younger sister’ is correct, the fourth is too blurry for me to see what it is.
Good Lord Naomi, I nearly pissed… wait.. no… actually pissed myself laughing at your peril. Good night!
Ha! That is hilarious. Also, you either wear your bra WAY too high, or your tattoo artist is either a virgin or gay ;) <–Imagine that on your back, for a preview.
I nearly spit my coffee out when I burst out laughing. Good thing it didn’t go up my nose. Would’ve hurt.
Perhaps you need to add another line below it, and then close it out with a “full stop”.
Oh, that sucks! It’s too funny not to laugh though. At least you don’t have a huge manga cartoon dragon on your ankle like me. I got it when I was 18, but now that I’m 26, it doesn’t seem so cool anymore. Ugh.
@ some other Naomi
Don’t worry, it will seem cool again when you’re 86…
Cool, Pascal programming code on the back. (Pascal lines of code end in semicolons.) As others have said, thanks for the morning laugh. But I was at least hoping for a reflection in that monitor. Dang it.
@ Everybody who was nice – Thank you for your support.
@ Everybody who was not nice, including, but not limited to Harry – It’s OK. No big deal. When I’m famous you will be sorry you crossed me.
@ TLC – Thank you. It kind of minimizes the impact of the semicolon, knowing the whole fucking thing is wrong.
@Naomi: Aw, c’mon, admit it, you would have done the same thing. :)
i can’t…i don’t…where do…
i just…
really? i can’t stop the laughter. i just can’t stop it.
i’ll hook you up with my friend who got his state’s motto tatted on his shoulder. he’s from new hampshire…his shoulder will forever read:
LIVE FREE OR PIE
want his number?
I’m voting for adding closed paren to make a winky smiley face.
Unexpected bonus — that tiny wink can tell the world “I know these characters are completely wrong, but so what?”
P.S. Naomi, promise you’ll let me know if you get traffic searching for “winky smiley.” And if you do? I’ll chip in for the tattoo.
-Sally J.
(The Practical Archivist)
@ Harry – I admit to nothing.
@ Erin – Screw this. I’m getting LIVE FREE OR PIE on my shoulder. One is taken but there’s plenty of room on the right.
@ Sally – I’ll keep you posted.
Okay, I’m not sure whether I fell into the “nice” or “not nice” category, but while taking a coffee break right now, I clicked through one of the other “Moral Of The Story” links.
It was the Neocitran Edition, and yes, I’m cleaning the coffee out of my keyboard… damn that was funny, and I’ve done that sort of thing before too…
oh dear, like Dave C. I was preparing for a grammar rant, but this really is priceless. and hysterical. maybe Moral #2 should be not to get a tattoo when you’re hungover and in a hurry… ;)
it could be much, much worse tho. and at least it’s on your back so you don’t have to look at it every day.
@ Brett – You’re totally nice. I could hook up tattoo haiku.
@ Degan – The grammar rants will come, I promise. When I’m not hanging out here talking smack with you guys, I’m an editor at a pretty big blog that shall remain nameless to protect the innocent. I will rant about the related grammar issues when I’m done therapy.
@ Naomi – thanks! Of course, you’re totally nice too, and I’m not just saying that ’cause this is your blog page.
I’ll remember this post, and once I have a blog (working on it) I’ll base a post on this one.
I, too, have a tattoo (from my youth), which seemed like a GREAT idea at the time…
…and I’ll save the rest of the story for a blog post. :)
If that’s Japanese, then the semicolon is at the beginning of the line, isn’t it?
Japanese text reads left to right. They just have this thing about books and stuff that open right to left. I believe Arabic and Hebrew read right to left. Oh, and DaVinci.
Smartypantses. :P
Dave C.: Shouldn’t japanese, in fact, be written from up to down? Or is it just in books?
Now, I’m no expert, but I believe the vertical type is more reserved for Newspapers and nostalgic publications. If you look at modern Japanese magazines and books, they write horizontally. I guess they figured out it is easier to read that way. One of the few positive influences the West has had on that country.
a) Wow.
b) Isn’t the pelvis quote from Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy?
I’m speechless … but not speechless enough to ask what the tat actually means (maybe someone asked already but I didn’t see it in my quick scan)
It was supposed to say “Mother Daughter Sister Wife”. Then wife was a pain in the ass and it was supposed to say “beauty.” Who the hell knows what it means at this point? My cousin (who went on to major in Japanese) asked me if it said “rice paddy”, so that’s what I’m going with…
Mother. Daughter. Sister. Rice Paddy.
Rock on, me.
Cannot comment. Laughing too hard. So glad I’m no longer pregnant or I’d have wet my pants by now.
Wow, just wow … I am so sorry to admit that I cackled like a banshee when I read the post about your unfortunate punctuation error, because that probably makes me even less pure.
However it is pretty f-ing cool that you carry a permanent reminder to proofread around with you at all times … no wonder I love your blog!
I also love your robe … if it is available online please send me the link.
@ Margie – Yeah, you and everybody else. And sadly, it’s unavailable. My sister-in-law brought it back from Thailand. I think she paid a dollar for it. It’s reversible, too. On the other side it’s black with a dragon. Kinda makes me feel like Rocky.
(Note: I meant “You and everybody else” about the cackling, not the loving. That would be cocky. Which I’m not. Nobody with punctuation accidentally tattooed on their body gets the right to be cocky. It’s like, a rule.)
Too fucking hilarious. Maybe the funniest and most permanent type-o in history.
I like the suggestion that you add the close paren. to make it ;)
and as for the semi-colon. me too. hate it.
I just found this site today. I read your blog. I read the comments. Now I feel all empty inside. Am I the only one who cares if bill was right about the pelvis quote?
(Besides bill, of course.)
The link to the ProBlogger post is dead–what happened?
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. My suggestion is to find the correct kanji in the style you like, run it by a native speaker, tattoo a red line through the original and add the correct kanji over it. Maybe a red “sp?” over the wrong kanji…
Naomi,
After a year plus of being a voyeur to hundreds of sites, I have added you to my Google front page. You make me laugh, which to me is the highest of all compliments. You also have something to say; and the occasional “fuck” keeps me a little “tingley”, if you know what I mean.
Your devoted follower,
Bob Whitney
Thanks for the birthday present.. Lol Too bad I didn’t see it till now. Rage, Rage against the misuse of the semicolon.
Naomi,
This is my first reading at your blog…
Excellent stuff. Your feed hath been subscribethed. LOL
Joe
I rather like the semicolon
Ok, so you learned rule number one: always proof-read.
But what about that other rule: You can’t proof-read what you can’t read. Foreign tat’s just make you look as stupid as you are.
no sympathy.
Semicolons are my favorite; I love them. I am a freelance copyeditor. Now you have me thinking about getting my own semicolon tattoo, only without the Japanese characters.
I hope the semicolon grows on you; I like you better, knowing that it’s there.
I love your blog; I have subscribed. Thanks for the great laugh! If you need an editor, let me know. It’s my, uh, home business. heh-heh.
And thank you for a great story with an awesome moral. Kudos! And happy new year!
Naomi, I love your blog..it’s the only blog I ever subscribed to! Thanks for your candor-life is funny-this is hilarious!
Contrast:
When I first read this, I didn’t laugh. My jaw dropped, all the air went out of my lungs and my eyes bugged out as I stared at the screen in utterly speechless horror.
Then I laughed. But first, the speechless horror.
Fuck me but you are one funny chick. Plus, you just rock so much more than words can express. You and Havi both – where the hell were you guys five years ago?
I bow down to your brilliance ND. Not only do you know how to make a margarita party out of a lemon, you’ve enticed me to send this to everyone who needs a good chuckle, and got me to look at semicolons on wiikipedia.
I knew a Japanese girl who had a tattoo, but it was a design – full back, Kwannon, goddess of mercy, no Kanji. That was long ago, far away. I wonder what happened to her. Thanks for the memories.
Yes, I laughed when I saw the picture. My daughters have the Kanji for their middle names as tatoos, and my wife (Japanese, no tattoo – no girl of that generation who was not a bar girl or yakuza girlfriend had a tattoo) went with them to make sure it was correct.
I don’t have any either. USMC, but never drunk enough…
Great and very funny post Naomi. Just read your hand-in the-wine-box post too and couldn’t stop laughing! It is just the sort of thing I would do!
In fact on a wine related incident it wasn’t so long ago I clean knocked a full bottle of red off the table just as we were sitting down for a meal – shattering on the floor, splattering the good stuff all over the place.
If that wasn’t enough…
Keen to clear the mess up as quickly as poss; on the floor on all fours with cloth, reversed into the wine rack and… well you know what comes next I guess! Two bottles to clean up!
Was I in trouble? You bet I was!
Oh that is great. I could see me doing something like that…little slip of the mind, details, haste and boom, there ya go.
Never been a huge fan of semicolons. Despite numerous classes and references I still can never figure out proper usage. I just remember one instructor yelling “Semicolons are NOT Super Commas!”
Too funny! Here I am reading and thinking, “Dang, i use semi-colons all the time. Am i wrong?” and then you hit me with the pic and final line!
And rarely has a point ever been made so well.
You know what sucks — I clicked on the link to this page because it said “with photos.” I’m a dirtbag and you caught me at a weak moment.
Now I’ll read the whole thing to try and redeem myself.
A semi-colon is just a half-ass period.
Maybe the solution is to tattoo a second line of characters, ending with a period.
But that wouldn’t really solve the problem; it would just compound it.
The only solution is to complete the sentence.
How about:
I am
Mother Daughter Sister Wife;
I love
Father Son Brother Husband.
Kind of fills out the family/humanity while completing the sentence.
Is there a character for “I am” and “I love”? Maybe they can be centered on their own line.
;-)
I’m sorry you have a semicolon on your back. I actually had something similar happen when I was a kid, although it, thankfully, did not become a tattoo.
–
Furry cows moo and decompress.
Cool blog I wish it had more then one picture on this post, but it’s all good :)
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Heya I just randomly happened across your site and I noticed the kanji on your back.
Well, bad news.
The second Kanji is written all akwardly slanted. Should look like 女 and not something like it was written by a 1st grader.
Sorry you got screwed lol.
Dear Naomi, I think that proves the point about proof read more than if people shouted it from the roof tops. If there is anyway in this world you can find for us to reduce the poor use of our beautiful English language (If I see another apostrophe where it doesn’t belong……), I will support you in your effort. Excellent post. I enjoy your stuff, and mostly, your writing voice!
what? misplaced apostrophes? You mean like writing “the dog chewed on it’s bone”?
Yes, that’s a very common one (the dog chewed on it is bone, brilliant really! Where did people go to school? English is my 4th language :))! The other one is whose/who’s!! Drives me insane. I think I need therapy to cope with it all :)!
Though I am an American, living in Japan, I laugh at Americans that go out and stupidly get Kanji tattoos without any knowledge of what is actually being permanently placed on their body. Agreeing with F’Off. No sympathy, what so ever.
I don’t even know how or in what order to count the ways I love this.
I’m an editor, so the proofreading thing is pretty big [*ensures she will make some hideous typo in comment*].
I live in Japan and study Japanese, so there’s that.
I have that robe, with the dragon on the inside.
I am a big fan and frequent example of the idea that if you can’t set a good example, you’ll just have to serve as a terrible warning.
I mean that in the nicest way possible.
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That first one is supposed to be 母 mother? Could’ve fooled me. I can see why you were asked if it was 田 rice paddy. Actually now that I get a look at TLC’s comment, I see that it’s rotated 180 degrees. Weird.
女 woman is a little crooked, and doesn’t mean “daughter.”
妹 little sister is decently written, though it may be the wrong choice if you are in fact the 姉 elder sister.
The fourth through sixth strokes of 美 beautiful are terribly sloppy making it difficult to read and it certainly doesn’t mean “wife.”
Honestly, complaining about the semicolon is kind of dumb when the tat is just bad in general. In sum: 母 upside-down mother, 女 crooked woman, 妹 little sister, 美 blarghtiful.
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Just go back and have him pack it with white ink. It’ll help. You could always have him put a little flourishy thingy-doo next to it after he packs it so that it won’t show. Or just keep it because it’s fucking hilarious…
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I believe i will always remember this story whenever I would be posting a new article.
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