Aug
11
Why I Go To Jack Astor’s, or An Ode To My Writer’s Block
Naomi is in Ireland and mostly away from all things internet, and so we present for your reading pleasure and general edification Post #8 in the Unofficial List of The Top 15 Best / Favorite / Most Popular IttyBiz Posts.
Originally published May 12, 2010
I don’t have writer’s block, per se. I’m writing just fine, thankyouverymuch. The problem is, ever since I started work on the greatest copywriting class in the history of the English language, I’ve been writing. About writing. And I’m momentarily fresh out of words.
While I allow the writing nodes of my brain to refresh themselves — and research podcasting how-tos — I will tell you a tiny story I’ve been meaning to tell for ages.
As described in many places — most vividly in the how to love your customers story — I don’t cook. This means many of my lessons come from restaurant marketing. (If I had any sense, I’d write a series on marketing ideas for restaurants. Then again, I would also quit smoking and floss more. Je ne regret riens, my ass.)
Anyway, we have a chain of restaurants around here called Jack Astor’s. To give you an indication of the kind of restaurant we’re talking about, their logo is the ass end of a donkey, grown adults are encouraged to color on the tablecloths and the waitstaff wear shirts that say things like, “Tip well, I have to make bail.” Savvy?
Jack Astor’s is okay. Sometimes good, sometimes not. Tonight was great. Last time, James Chartrand found half a bread tag in her food and the server’s entire response was, “Huh.” Its most obnoxious quality is that, having branded itself as “fun”, it tries to manufacture fun where none exists, like an alternate universe where the entire staff of Disney World, Minnie included, is hungover. But the food’s okay and the music’s okay and the staff’s okay and the prices are okay.
Okay. Just like East Side Mario’s, Boston Pizza, Casey’s, Kelsey’s, Tony Roma’s. I haven’t been to any of these other restaurants more than once — if at all — since I’ve been back in Canada.
I go to Jack Astor’s around four times a month.
Same thing with McDonald’s. What are my options in the fast food market? Wendy’s, Harvey’s, Dairy Queen, Burger King, Taco Bell, KFC, Arby’s, A&W. God knows how many others. Do I go to any of them? No, I do not. I got to McDonald’s between three and five times a week.
When we were trying to figure out Jack’s great allergic skin explosion of ’07, the one thing we could hone in on was that when he went to McDonald’s, he didn’t get sick. We couldn’t figure out why, but it didn’t matter. McDonald’s = kid who doesn’t stay up all night scratching himself until he bleeds. Win! We got used to going, and now that’s where we go.
(Later, it turned out that the reason we could eat there was because they didn’t coat their fries in flour. Clever.)
Flash forward a few years and we know that he’s allergic to wheat and dairy. Combine that with our prediliction for not cooking our own food, and you have a fairly limited proverbial palette. Fortunately now we know that he can handle both wheat and dairy in small quantities, so we can break out of our mold periodically. One day, we did so by going to Jack Astor’s.
It was okay.
Well, it was okay until we saw the children’s dessert menu. (I would link to it, but it’s all sexy flash and shit and doesn’t have a distinct url. Restaurants: don’t do that.) There were two items. First, a brownie. Second, orange sorbet. And in case we weren’t already aware, they actually say right under the heading, “peanut free, tree nut free, wheat free, gluten free, dairy free…”
Okay or no okay, it is now the restaurant we go to most often. For a family that eats dinner out at least five days a week, that’s saying something.
Marketing Messages: The Many Takeaways
1. People will put up with almost anything if you’re the only one solving their most painful problem. (This is one of the reasons people continue to read this blog. It’s not like you’re here for the production quality.)
2. Parents even more so.
3. People are creatures of habit.
4. Parents even more so.
5. People will generally take boring and safe over novel and risky.
6. Parents even more so.
7. The moment I find out about a family-friendly restaurant with wheat-free fries, dairy-free ice cream and some fruit on the menu, the first six items on this list are moot and I am out the fucking door.
Marketing blah blah. Whatever. Read what comes next. It’s even better.
When I was previewing this piece in WordPress, the Related Posts plugin reminded me of a post called Duct-Taped Breasts, Hairy Mangoes, and New Kids On The Block that I wrote back in February 2008. I don’t know if it’s still in the list now that it’s published but, seriously? You should read it. The awesomeness knows no bounds.
I have a Very Important Question. Do you not eat peaches? I only eat canned peaches because the fur grosses me out. Never really liked mangoes regardless of fur.
Wow, I’m glad the first/only time I managed to be the first commenter on your blog, I’m asking a totally random question that does not reflect positively on me in any way. AWESOME.
Hey, that’s okay. Look below, I’m talking about being hit on in mime by a girl in a communal mouse costume. It’s after midnight, your mind’s allowed to wander.
Although I don’t know what part of Canada Naomi’s from. For all I know she’s from, like, Canadian Japan and it’s actually 4 PM there.
Actually, now I’m curious about the peaches thing too. They’re hairy on the outside (and delicious on the inside), but you eat the outside. What say you, Naomi? Inquiring gnomes want to mine.
I take no issue with peaches. Maybe I’m not against fur as much as wet, juicy hair.
I’m SURE there’s innuendo to be made here, but I’m drawing a blank.
That’s why God created nectarines. (or were they genetically engineered? I forget.)
On my second trip to Walt Disney World (my first was back in 1990, which I remember because they were advertising Dick Tracy), I went with my then four-year-old son and my father. One morning, as part of the deal, we attended a character breakfast.
Minnie spent the entire breakfast hitting on me.
I’m just saying.
There is a corollary to the list which, I think, you’re actually addressing but not saying out loud: People will actively remember the person who solved their most painful problem, and will come back to them to solve other problems. This is, frankly, why we have places like Wal-Mart, but also why referrals work so well: if you’ve solved someone’s Problem A, the problem they couldn’t even live without solving, even if you can’t solve their Problem B they’ll tend to trust your opinion about who can solve it.
Hell, maybe I’m making that up, it’s 12:43 AM and I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since Reagan was President, but it sounds good from this end so I’m stickin’ to it.
Also I need to get a Gravatar associated with this email address. I’m so lame.
that actually makes sense, chris. if someone solves my one of my big problems, they head right to the top of my go-to list of people to ask about the next problem.
also why it’s good to know all kinds of people who can help with all kinds of problems.
chris that is so true and so well said. and it works the opposite way too. if you go somewhere, or to someone, and they fuck it up, even if they might do better next time you probably won’t go back. at least i don’t. =)
OK, your business point is well taken and appreciated. But the Minnie part is what really takes the cake. That’s fucking AWESOME.
This is just too good: @SheilaS (Sheila Scarborough) tonight on No, You May NOT Pick My Brain, then I come home (following a bit of babysitting to let my kiddo’s also have a bit of what was the rest of a night out) – and read IttyBiz for the first time.
Marvelous “out-loud” laughter is always great for the soul, and I’ve had plenty of that tonight thanks to you two.
IttyBiz…I’m pretty sure though you visit Austin, you don’t yet live here. Listen, we have TERRIFIC restaurants here who fully GET wheat-free, dairy-free, and some are even sugar-free – and that does not mean “diet” anything.
Come on ‘back! We’d love to welcome you permanently. :)
Austin has some of the best GF restaurants ever. I almost cried when we went to Wildwood Art Cafe. “That is gluten free? THAT is gluten free?! EVERYTHING is gluten free?!!!”
And The Grove has awesome Italian food and can do pretty much anything gluten free.
Austin would be my #2 choice to live (after San Diego, which is where I live now, and where restaurant owners are pretty cool about GF.)
-Erica
Erica, I’m hearing the end of that first paragraph in Billy Mays’s voice. Perhaps it’s just the sleep deprivation but I’m deeply entertained. :)
Also sympathetic. A close friend can’t eat wheat and the options in my town are dismal; I’m glad she could move away. My son was, at a young age, allergic to the dye Red #2, and my wife is allergic to Yellow #5 (an allergy I shared when I was younger). And I have, perhaps, the oddest allergy of all: I am not allergic to olives, or olive oil, or brine, but to the brine in which Kalamata olives are packed. Black or pimento olives? I’m fine. Kalamata olives that have been washed thoroughly? Also fine. Brine that’s never come into contact with olives? A-OK. Olive brine? I swell up like a blowfish. Sigh.
Welcome, sweetie! Yes, Austin kicked unholy ass in the wheat-free arena. Hurray, Austin, for getting it.
Total win. Love this post. I have Celiac disease and only go to restaurants that have a gluten-free menu. Fortunately there are tons of websites that chronicle this (the local one for San Diego is glutenfreeinsd.com)
For those of you without food intolerances, it’s estimated that 15-30% of the population can’t tolerate wheat! But the tests only became available recently. Less than 5% of those with food intolerances are properly diagnosed.
If you want to make a buttload of money, gluten-free/casein free (especially for kids) is HOT. This is an exploding market and is ripe for info products, recipe books, restaurant consulting, etc. Doesn’t matter if you can cook–if you can compile a book of recipes that doesn’t taste like crap, you may have a real winner.
-Erica
I’m actually on day three of wheatlessness myself. Trying an experiment based on that very stat. Maybe I won’t be so puffy and bitchy if I ditch the bagels. Of course, if I AM just as puffy and bitchy, well, I’ll deny this conversation ever took place. :)
Oooh I am so happy to hear you’re giving the wheatfree thing a try! It’s amazing how you’ll feel. (After the initial shock of “omg I can’t eat that?! But it makes me feel so good… until it doesn’t”.
:) Definitely let us know how it goes!
Er… What the hell was the point of this article?
Where’s the e-junkie link?
What am I buying?
Hello! It’s a marketing blog, Naomi. Sell me shit.
(Actually, scratch that. I’ve still got 20 hours left of Question The Rules to listen to. On and on and on…)
…which I forgot to buy through your affiliate link and so missed out on the Speak Easy goodies.
*shakes fist impotently*
Dude! It says it was free for everybody who bought, regardless of who you bought from. Get thee emailing the ninjas, silly! There is free stuff to be had.
My dog is allergic to wheat. I’m not sure what the stats are on that…but the cost of having her ass-glands expressed bi-monthly caused me to find a pain-killer…Iams Lamb and Rice. I love Iams, I would eat Iams if they made something that didn’t smell like…well…dog food.
The stats are “most”. Current theory is don’t feed dogs or cats anything containing grains, period. Sadly many people feed their dogs and cats better than they feed themselves. Our diets are overloaded with empty carbs.
-Erica
Oh I forgot… you should sell Iams…
Things are getting a little better here in the UK but unfortunately my daughter’s Number One food allergy (along with nuts and a few other things) is egg. Egg is really, really difficult to avoid, especially once you start going somewhere very slightly fancy.
I have come to deeply admire Mcdonalds for many things, and one of them is their habit printing an allergy guide on the back of every tray liner.
My daughter was invited to a birthday party at a waffle restaurant the other day (!!!), and that didn’t go too well. She didn’t get ill, but there was nothing she could eat and the staff didn’t get it – they sighed deeply over changing anything on the menu to suit her. She’s 9.
I sometimes feel that we’re a segment of one – the issue is so much off the radar that no one will bother catering to it. But you’re right. When our family becomes a customer, we’re there for life.
as i was reading the post on the hairy mangoes and new kids on the block my husband played step by step in the kitchen for the girls to dance to. weird.
There is so much marketing research to be had by just going out to eat. I’ve gotten some killer sales tips listenting to a redneck mom yell at her kids over chicken strips, learned some new demographic information sitting back to back with a retired couple that likes garage sales, and always find a new blogging tip by popping open the menu and looking at the specials.
When you sell stuff for a living, the world is your content-playground. I think that you should write a book just about your family’s eating habits.
-Joshua Black
The Underdog Millionaire
Or like a freebie for opting in. What You Can Learn From 10 Total Fuckup Restaurants. :)
Reading this post and the replies has given me a brilliant business idea. As no doubt intended, we’re all sat beneath metaphoricalific lightbulbs that just went ‘ping’; we need to be problem solvers . . .
But I’m going one-step further people, I’m going into business as a ‘Creator and Purveyor of Fine Problems’. Can’t find any problems to fix for people? No problem! I’ll make you one!
I shall be called Tammy Chaos and I will be requiring a cape.
Honey, I would pay you for that right this second. 10 problems faced by IttyBizzers? That’s worth its weight in gold.
I’ll get right on it!
I’ll hire you. How much chaos per hour can you cause?
You have a chaos-maker in-house, don’t you? I mean, Gavin’s probably not much use in the problem solving capacity just yet, but I’m pretty sure he should have chaos totally down by now.
Well, Karl, I imagine I would charge on an hourly-basis for the chaos set-up and initiation. As a chaos expert, I know there is no master of chaos, merely dealers. Once set free, the chaos will work to it’s own time scale, so I feel it would be unfair to give you an estimate or quote on resultant chaos.
As a very rough guide, an hour’s chaos initiation could flap up about eight weeks of essential remedial work.
Hope that helps!
If I may go off-topic —
This groovy post had at least 3 examples “of the reasons people continue to read this blog:”
a) you tell a story magnificently so I come for the entertainment–
b) you teach by example so I come for the education behind the schooling–
c) you reference a life so unknown to me so I come to have my experience of others expanded in safe, funny, understandable multiples–
and
I always learn something NEW. (And at my age, “new” ain’t around much.) So reading that you’re working on a copywriting project is very exciting (or if that’s a euphemism for what you’re really writing, amen, too…)
AND you make me think of Things I Already Know In A New Way, which is probably some grail of teaching. I know the tenants that your takeaways are based on (upon?), but your tossing “parents” into the “desperate” and “problem” line-up was an eye-opener to me. As the end of my bloodline, solving problems having nothing to do with being a parent, I never think about that angle, but… parents are the majority in the world…
So if I want to take on a new angle to what I do, I’ll consider what my clients-as-parents-with-a-problem might need from my brain and maybe tailor something to them.
The good ideas your posts generate are a bonus to the nifty writing.
THANKS, and for the snappy production values, too.
Your pal,
~GirlPie
Were the comments on topic? Which one :-)
Ohh–poor Jack. Glad you found a fast-food remedy so he can sleep at night.
Next time you’re in California–Island’s Restaurant chain is pretty food-allergy-resistant and family-friendly, not to mention the right recipe of tacky, predictable, familiar, decent, + great tropical drinks!
OMG!!
I am no longer an IttyBiz comments virgin. (Now, for the cigarette and scotch.)
Annie
(My web addy will go here as soon as I get my shit together and FINISH the damn thing)
I love restaurants where I can color on the tablecloths! My wife might roll her eyes, but it really makes my day.
This post is too funny. I can’t imagine what it would be like to fight the wheat monster, it is everywhere! I know people who are allergic to it but still. My daughter has kidney disease and while she was on dialysis we had to avoid potassium and phosphorus but she would only eat french fries (from Mcdonalds only) and guess what? Potatoes are loaded with potassium and phosphorus. It was extremely hard to keep track of that and all of the things that she couldn’t eat, like chocolate.
I am glad there are some wheat free options out there, it must be a nightmare some days to keep track of everything that has wheat in it.
And color on the tablecloths for our family usually means heated games of tic tac toe and hand turkeys where at least one kid ends up crying and we are just praying the jerk off waiter gets here with the food soon…..
If you live where you can find one of the many, many P.F. Chang’s they have:
1. gluten-free ways to prep (not all but) many of their dishes simply with using slightly different ingredients in the sauces (and are glad to do so)
2. a special menu for athletes or anyone in training – which they are glad to provide on request
I know they are opening FIVE locations just this summer – nationally (USA) as well as internationally.
(disclosure: nary a whit of connection for me to P.F.Chang’s – just like to eat there! My experiences so far are in Austin and Houston.)