Sep
30
A Peek at My Hate Mail and Why Women Fail
Every now and again, I like to take a peek into my inbox and share the most amusing pieces of my hate mail with you. Today’s installment is the best we’ve had in a long time. But first, some context…
If you were on my Advance Discount List yesterday, you would’ve received the following email. (ADL people, THANK YOU!!! We got our target in less than an hour and Jamie got his surprise. And thank God we did, because now I can put this piece of deliciousness on the blog before it loses its patina.)
Howdy!
We’re doing a secret thing for my hubby Jamie’s birthday. And we can’t say anything about it on the blog. (Not that he reads my blog… he doesn’t. But his mother does.) So we’re doing an exclusive for the people on the email list. Because if he doesn’t read the blog, you can be damn sure he doesn’t read the emails.
First, the non-secret part. This one IS available on the blog. We’re doing a 60% off sale on THE BRAND SPANKIN’ NEW Marketing School and Marketing 101. This is a scratch and dent sale, so there’s fine print. The sale is on till Friday:
http://ittybiz.com/scratch-and-dent/
Second, the secret part. (I’m very serious about this being a secret, by the way. A lot of you know him, so please don’t tell him, OK?) Jamie’s birthday is on Saturday and I’m doing a surprise. (It should be noted that the REASON for this is that we’ve been so busy with IttyBiz and Jack being preemie that we haven’t done anything for his birthday in FOUR YEARS.)
I want to take him on a big night out to a hockey game and an uberfancy dinner and a hotel and everything. Much excitement.
The problem is that as a modern and forward thinking couple, we share finances. And to pull this off, I’m going to need secret money. That’s where you come in.
I’ve cleared some space in the November calendar for 5 consulting slots. And instead of doing what we’d normally do and putting your payment through our main Canadian PayPal account, I’ve set up a way you can buy through our old English account. Which he thinks we don’t use anymore. :)
The point of all of this is that if you’ve ever wanted consulting but wanted to wait for a sale, it would really help me out if you chose THIS sale. Regular price is $500, you can get it for $200. First five people get it, and the instructions are here:
http://ittybiz.com/happy-birthday-to-jamie/
That’s it! You rule! I’m going to go buy a card. Unlike last year.
xx
Naomi
YAY, right? Happy birthday for my long-suffering husband who puts up with all manner of start-up business bullshit with calm and grace and aplomb, right?
Then I get THIS in my inbox:
This is so scuzzy and disingenuous. You make up a birthday event for your husband and bring your premature baby into the scam? This is just beyond the pale. You must really think your readers are idiots. If they fall for this manipulation, I guess they are. I’ve been reading for a while hoping to see you reach out honestly, but it’s just manipulation to you.
This email really turns my stomach. You need “secret’ money? Good grief. I’ve never heard anything so lame. You should market on the merits of your product – not this kind of made up manipulative drivel.
Take me off your list! I’ve seen enough.
Ahh, where do I begin?
I’ve been accused of a lot of things…
You can call me vulgar. You can call me uneducated. You can call me rude. You can call me unprofessional. You can call me unqualified. I’ll cop to all of those.
But lying? Seriously? And about this?
Of all the things I could lie about, my husband’s birthday (shockingly, the one I lied about on the exact same date last year) and the fact that my son was premature, RIGHT BEFORE MY HUSBAND’S BIRTHDAY? For reals?
What kind of a life must she have?
What kind of a life must a person have if they think that doing something nice for their husband simply HAS to be a lie?
What kind of a relationship must a person have if they think that a couple can’t be so close that they always share their finances?
What kind of fucked up fears must a person have to think that I can’t have the kind of relationship with my customers that they’d actually like to hear what I’ve got going on in my personal life?
(And what kind of shitty ass business must a person have if they think I’d need to lie in order to make sales?)
The part that really concerns me…
This email bothered me. A lot. All hate mail bothers me. But not for the reasons you’d think. I was talking to Jamie (my fake husband with the fake birthday) about this yesterday, and here’s what I realized.
I have never, ever, ever received mail like this from a man. In the history of this blog, I’ve received some mighty fine Fuck You Mail. But never from a man. And I got to wondering… why?
Here’s my theory, which is admittedly done in generalities…
Women are trained by their parents, by society, by each other, and by themselves to not have courage in their convictions. They put up with shit and put up with shit and put up with shit. If something bad happens, they find a way to assume a mistake or blame themselves or make excuses for people. They simply do not react, because reacting would be… bitchy. And there’s nothing worse than being bitchy, right?
Then, with all this built up hostility, with years and years worth of slings and arrows lodged in their psyches, something happens that justifies their anger. Something pushes the This Is Serious And You’re Allowed To Be Mad button. That incident, combined with the anonymity of the internet, makes them lash out. And in lashing out, they forget one critical thing…
Nobody gives a shit.
I don’t care what she thinks of my marketing. I got about 15 emails from people I know and respect telling me they thought the sale was great. Sorry, honey, my (very busy) friends and respected colleagues taking time out of their day to tell me they dig me trumps a stranger’s righteous indignation any day.
Scanners, this is the important part!
I don’t talk about women in business, because I don’t like to give the gender issue any more airtime than it already gets. I think it’s a colossal waste of energy, discussing women’s issues. I think we’d have a whole lot fewer issues if we spent more time getting on with kicking ass and less time discussing how we’re oh-so-fucking-marginalized all the time.
Why women have it harder when it comes to their careers
Generally speaking, and I fully include myself in this generality, women are totally fucking irrational. We make no goddamn sense. We take a stranger’s marketing campaign as some sort of personal affront and wildly overreact. Then, when somebody fucks us over on a business deal, we keep quiet because we don’t want to sound like a bitch.
Is this any way to run a business? A life?
If we freaked out when something was worth freaking out over and stood firm when something was worth standing firm over and relaxed the rules a bit when something was worth relaxing the rules over, we’d be taken a hell of a lot more seriously in our work. But we can’t let ourselves do that, because we don’t trust ourselves.
We don’t believe we know what’s worth reacting to. We complain that people treat us like we’re stupid, but we’re the worst perpetrators.
We treat ourselves like we’re stupid every day.
When I talk to female clients, they ask, “Is this going to work?”
When I talk to male clients, they ask, “How can I make this work?”
That’s the fucking difference between men and women in business.
Which brings us to… Artificial Scarcity, Part Two
Monday, I mentioned we’d have a few announcements this week. Yesterday’s sale was the first one. Here’s the second.
In March, the Havinator and I got together to teach a class about dealing with money fears. (Havi and I get along really well because we both got rich on the internet by lying about our personal lives.) It’s been $19 since then, but it’s doubling in two weeks, or when we sell the last 100 copies, whichever comes first.
The greatest selling point of this call is this line right here:
“You know the expression ‘you’re leaving money on the table’? Ever thought it would be useful to find that table with the piles of monies on it?”
If you want to get it while it’s still under twenty bucks, do so by clicking this little link right here.
If you don’t, I’ll go poor and I’ll have to make up more medical conditions for my kids.
“If you don’t, I’ll go poor and I’ll have to make up more medical conditions for my kids.”
HA! Thanks for sharing the email, and this post. LOVE what you said about women speaking up about dumb things but being scared to speak up when someone is screwing us! I have definitely myself do that.
So interesting–about the women being the only ones who send you hate mail, and about women asking “will this work?” and men asking “how can I make this work?” I’m going to be carrying around that observation/insight for a long time as I work on my itty biz and face my fears…
Thanks for that!
Love the bit about the different types of questions men vs. women ask in business. (Plus, the points where it doesn’t seem to bother women to be bitchy, like your email….versus being bitchy when it really counts.)
I’d be interested to see what kind of shadow beliefs that woman has. Actually, I could probably guess a couple of them. (And yes, people do let them loose through the anonymity of the internet.)
You’re uber-creative, so I’d be rather interested to see what medical conditions you actually *would* invent.
Thanks for the post, and sharing the email!
All the best!
deb
P.S. I got the email and thought, “Wow. Has it been a year already?” ha
At least it’s fairly well-written hate mail…
I thought the sale was a lovely, touching and utterly fab idea. If I’d been in the market for consulting (I’m not), I’d've been hugely excited at the prospect of getting CHEAP consulting and I’d even be able to have that nice warm glow of satisfaction for helping out with Jamie’s birthday.
If you weren’t reaching out honestly, I’d like to see the emailer’s idea of who is :-S
I buy from you cos I like you, cos I feel like I know you (from reading IttyBiz for a good while and, heck meeting you) and because I know your products are good and because you have a hell of a lot of experience and expertise. Why the heck should you market to me “on the merits of your product” alone?
What a kickass post. I’m sorry about the hate mail – that was crappy, to be sure. But taking a lesson for yourself and us out of it is completely awesome of you.
You’re right – I don’t take myself seriously enough. I don’t trust myself enough. I don’t think ‘HOW CAN I MAKE THIS HAPPEN’ enough.
Lately, though, I have been. It’s revolutionary, changing the way I think like that. And the only thing that made me realize that I was approaching everything (business, life) the wrong way around before was this: I was going to KEEP getting screwed over, over and over and over, because nobody else gives a shit about that either. I have to take care of me and my life and business because it’s nobody else’s job but mine.
Which makes it nobody else’s fault but mine if my business fails and it was because I was too much of a pussy to make the world my bitch.
(Wow, long-ass comment much? Maybe I should write about this on my OWN website.)
Dude, what the FUCK?
That is some messed up hate mail.
Sending you many cuddles, monkeys, birthday wishes to Mr Naomi and an Asshat Eliminator (TM, patent applied for) to work over your mailing list with
As always, a great story with a HUGE point ~ or several in this case. You were understandably bugged by this hate mail because of the obvious insults she accuses (and it was soooo clearly written by a woman!), but also BECAUSE it was a woman and she was making that stupid mistake (in addition to the mistakes you note about the gender diff in biz) of being bitchy/petty/personal!
Most male readers who didn’t like this would’ve just unsubbed to the list. This person ASKED to be in the group that gets the inside word, and now doesn’t trust that? Fine, whatevs, but even a male who didn’t like the offer, or didn’t believe it (they obviously don’t read you work and were only looking for discounts) wouldn’t have been catty and shitty in their exit — well, not most men, anyway.
I see a personal competitiveness between some women in business that seems to be a more professional competition between men, and that bothers me about my gender. But seeing you + Sonia, you + Havi, and the link love you support and educate we-your-readers with, I have to thank you again for walking the walk, man. You lead by example and I wish we had more like you (and I mean in the wonderful-surprise-for-my-honey way, too!)
I’m glad they’re off your list, I don’t want them in the club.
Ah, I loves it when Naomi gets her cranky socks on.
And I’m sorry that the email bothered you. You’ve got more important things to worry about (like making sure that you keep the fake birthday scam alive year after year, right?).
I’m cringingly familiar with the whole treating-myself-as-stupid routine. And I know I can’t all-of-a-sudden stop doing it once and for all, but I’m getting better at catching myself. And even just your simple question, “How can I make this work?” is a great one for me to ask myself every so often. Not because I want to think like a man. Because I want to think like a successful entrepreneur.
Twenty bucks for Havi and Naomi talking about money? If I hadn’t bought it the second it was originally released, I’d be buying it again right now. For reals. You rock, Naomi. And I love that you know it.
Clearly you have scared the menfolk so much they’re afraid to send you hate mail. I’m glad Jamie got a fan-tabulous bday present. I bet all the other imaginary husbands are wicked jealous.
Funny… I LOVE getting hatemail for some reason. Probably because one of my websites sells admissions consulting services to MBA programs, and a lot of my traffic is from international applicants. So, a few times a week I’ll get a glorious piece of hate mail (in broken English, no less) telling me how I should send my mother to India for various vulgar acts, etc. Not sure why, but this kind of stuff makes my day…
Hey, at least they’re opening my emails, right?
P.S. I agree 100% w/Wendy on the value of the teleclass w/Havi. I listened to it in the supermarket parking lot.
If some people do not hate what you do then you are not trying hard enough ;)
For what it’s worth I get hate mail in equal amounts from both men and women :)
Only today I was called a douchebag.
A day without crazy is like a day without sunshine ;)
Oddly, the part of the hate mail that really rubbed me the wrong way was “Take me off your list”. Were his eyes so clouded by rage that he couldn’t see the unsubscribe link?
I love that you don’t want to add to the “woe is us” female in business thing. But you definitely nailed it on the head in this case, and that’s what I love about you. :)
Oh, and I totally thought your idea for secret money to buy something special for Jamie a really brilliant thing. My boyfriend would have been proud of the sneakiness. ;)
Now… onto making things work!
-Pace, missing the point since 1977
Wow – just, wow …
and I actually SAVED the message because I thought it was a really great, funny idea that maybe I could steal some time in the future. She just must have been having a really bad day!
One of the suggestions I see all the time is to contact your customers or send them greetings on unusual holidays (National Peanut Butter Day anyone?). To me, this was just a Naomi-style version of a tried and true marketing tactic – plus it made me laugh loud enough that the person in the next cube over looked at me kinda funny. You keep on, girl, and those of us who are your peeps will keep right on with ya!
Chris
Wow. As a man, I never realized this difference. I always thought that women were the same as men, only nicer. I didn’t realize that they ask different questions and have that much self doubt.
I’m sitting here in awe, trying to understand the implications. This will help me when I’m dealing with women from now on.
I’m not a huge Naomi fan. Not a hater, but not a fan. Then, every once in a while, something like this comes along and blows my mind.
Thanks, Naomi.
Wow, it’s been quite a week for guru-bashing! Take a peak at @timbrownson’s twitter stream from late yesterday…
“You should market on the merits of your product.” Fascinating! Let’s assume your product has merits, shall we? When did anyone EVER run a sale that was the “We Have The Most Meritorious Widget Sale”?
Props to you Naomi for being more creative than “Columbus Day,” “Year End Model” or “Wonderful Wednesdays.”
– Laurie
PS – We all knew you were scuzzy when you used your biggie commissions from Teaching Sells to build a school. Man, was that disgusting!
Well as one of the idiots who fell for the obvious and blatant manipulation (tell me, I was the first one right?! I hit that paypal button within seconds…), I am afraid I don’t have any time to comment because I’ve only got a limited time to get my money course for under $20. Gotta run!
There is a lot of truth in this post. I see it all the time with women.
Naomi: I think you are a tiny bit wrong about not discussing “women’s issues” because you don’t want to give it air time. Here’s how I approach it: I don’t usually instigate those talks, but I occasionally contribute to them when I find them online. Because we need more women saying “don’t we have better things to do with our time?” and other such logical and reasonable things.
Otherwise the self-absorbed b*tches will take over.
That is all.
Frak me. I’ve been fretting about trying to get comments on my blog, now maybe I’m glad my first batch of readers are the quiet type.
I happily plunked down my $20 for the Naomi/Havi recording because there isn’t a button on this page that lets me pay to celebrate Naomi’s rant. I don’t care if the recording is useful to me. I didn’t even read the sales page.
I’ve been down this road in person. More than once. It’s usually a woman doing the bullying, but not always.
Maybe the absence of hate mail from men is because a man can easily dismiss a woman *because* she’s a woman – she doesn’t have to be taken seriously – but a woman taking offense at the actions of another woman needs a different strategy. We’re also socialized differently. Boys can punch each other in the head and get over it; girls aren’t supposed to vent, period.
This makes my blood boil, so I’m shutting up and ending on a positive note.
Happy Birthday, Jamie, and rock on, Naomi.
Sorry, Naomi — Heather Armstrong has already beaten you to it:
http://jezebel.com/5361824/mommy-blogger-heather-armstrong-monetizes-the-hate
A month ago she decided to “Monetize The Hate Mail” with it’s own site.
My first Zen teacher used to say, “Believe nothing that I say.” The subtext was that I should test what she said and see for myself whether it was true and whether it was useful to me.
I doubt you could manipulate me into buying something I don’t want or need. I read your blog because I enjoy your insights and you are so entertaining. Like an outrageous friend I secretly want to be more like. I thought the secret birthday sale was a lot of fun. Sadly, how often do we get to apply that word to business every day?
I didn’t buy in because what you were selling doesn’t fit my current needs and budget. So, I’ll keep reading you and I’m sure one day we will find ways to help each other be more of who we want to be.
Thanks for being you!
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times…
You rock.
I love how you take a nugget of stupid and turn it into a brilliant post. A post that’s insightful and funny and crazy smart. And how you manage to close with a line that causes me to practically choke on my drink.
So, yeah, you rock. And sorry about the people who get drunk on hater-aid and send nuggets of stupid your way.
FUCKING AWESOME POST.
And I’ve completely enjoyed reading the other comments.
I have trouble understanding what the ‘haters’ like this one are hoping to accomplish, exactly… Could they not find a more productive use of time and energy? Just seems to me, there’s quite enough negativity in the world without going out of one’s way to add to it.
First happy birthday to Jamie! (HUGS) and Sorry to hear about the hate mail. I always view things like that as a sign of success. No one bothers to kick at someone who’s not visible.
Second thank you for the things to mull. A guy I know and I are both stay at home parents working on (different) side programming projects. His is launched and he’s working on some VC funding. I’m still working on the code where I can fit it in during my spare time when the house is spotless. (Anyone home with small kids will understand that happens about once a year for an hour right before a relative shows up from the airport.) Really makes me think about how his mindset and mine are different and how it’s probably making the difference on where we both are. Thank you!
*wince*
First… Hi! I just found you, and you’re amazing, and I just signed up for your email lists, and we have a bazillion things in common, and I’m your new fan. What I’m about to say doesn’t change that.
But… I come from the land of fucking with gender assumptions and I run a community expression blog about it: Genderfork.com … so my spidey sense get a little extra tweaked around this topic.
That said… what you say in here about women absolutely applies to me as a woman and to many other women I know…
But… I humbly submit that it this post is both completely proving and completely missing its own point.
This is a rant. It’s full of generalizations that characterize women as hopeless fuckups, and I don’t think you really believe all of us are really that catastrophically self-defeating. But you give us lots of indications that this rant’s been building up inside of you, and it just hasn’t been let loose because you try not to give airtime to gender issues… because “We, the Progressive Entrepreneurial Women” believe that kind of talk is bad form.
I can’t say I have a solution. Gender analysis fucks us up matter what — whether we engage in it or avoid it. We’re stuck.
But I humbly request that you try to find ways to resolve the pressure cooker on this… so that the next time the lid gets knocked off, your analysis can have the same clarity and respect you bring to the stuff that’s less screwy to talk about. We really need more smart brains on this issue.
With great respect for the work you’re doing,
Sarah
I’m totally saddened, disgusted and appalled because I’ve been excluded from your lying and manipulative list! Here I was, believing that I was on the ADL, and yet I only got the blog post this morning, with the link to the hate mail!
Don’t you love me Naomi? Have I been dropped off your mail list? Am I not worthy!? I hate you now!
/endsarcasm ;)
Great post. You’re completely right on the not being bitchy enough when it would be useful. I was reading the hate mail and my first thought was “OMG, what if I get mail like that, it would destroy me!” Which of course, is utterly ridiculous. Live and learn. Oh, and next International Talk Like a Pirate Day, I’m totally having a sale. :D
@Pace: “Take me off your list” is a control thing. He doesn’t actually want to be off the list; he wants her to say “I’m sorry”.
Clearly he doesn’t know Naomi very well.
Hate mail sucks. We don’t get any yet, but we do get strongly-dislike mail. It still sucks.
Also, Pace is funny.
Also also, now that I’m thinking about it, that does happen to us. Pace, having an occasionally more stereotypically male mindset, tends toward “How can we make this happen?” I, being all girl all the time, tend toward “Will this work?”
Fascinating.
@Chris: Ah! That makes sense. Thanks!
First, I hope you have a splendid time with your husband. You and he certainly deserve it.
I’m not sure why you needed to pull this into the content/context of your blog. If it’d been a comment to a post; sure, take the gloves off. The comment would have been in a public forum. But the email was to you directly, so wouldn’t you respond to the person directly? I’m not saying the email person was justified. I’m just intrigued by your motivation to blast ‘em in a very public fashion. Isn’t that kinda what bullies do? Publicly embarrass people to exert power over ‘em?
Great analysis of that particular piece of hate mail. Though I really wonder why she could just hit the old unsubscribe button and save herself a lot of time.
When I saw that, I wanted to e-mail and ask which game. ‘Cause I heard on the radio the other day that the season opener on Thursday was Leafs vs. Habs and I thought that would be a fantastic birthday present. But maybe not for Jamie.
The thing that gets me about complaints about marketing is the idea that somehow you should fix it so they like it rather than that if they don’t like it they should not buy from you. What makes people think they are the “ideal customer” and if the marketing doesn’t speak to them the business is going to fail?
@Kyeli: Yeah, it’s neat. I get to be a woman without having been raised as a girl, so I didn’t get the “don’t have courage in your convictions” crap that most girls get.
It’s interesting to see how much of gender roles are biology (not much), how much is hormonal (some), and how much is bullshit (a lot).
Man, that was only a tad harsh. Was she having a bad day or what? I thought the sale was a fun idea and I understand the shared finances thing perfectly well. {{hugs!!}}
You know, I’m glad you confirmed this. I’ve always thought women are often our own worst enemies. There are a lot of caring, supportive women out there, but also a lot of others trying to pull each other down. People think women are not as competitive as men. Not true.
I consider myself blessed to work with some lovely people, men and women. But, I have to admit that the worst issues I’ve had in the past with clients have always been with women and for personal issues, not business issues. Which, really shouldn’t come into the equation as much when you are conducting business together or don’t know each other personally.
If I find something offensive, I just don’t read it or unsubscribe. Not so hard.
I, Female Business Owner, love you for adding a page to your website called Scuzzy and Disingenuous. Please do not ever, under any circumstances, remove me from your mailing list.
Also, I so need to be bitchier, and next time hate mail or hate tweets or hate fill-in-the-blank makes me cry, I can just come back and read this to remind me. So thank you for being awesome.
My theory is that when it comes to business, many women don’t treat other women very well. Maybe we are trying so hard to overcome the “less than a man” stereotype that we see each other as competitors? I’m not sure. But my guess is that your hate mail would not have been hate mail had you been a man writing about a birthday surprise for your wife. Women possess so many positive attributes which allow them to excel in the business world. We need to support and promote these attributes in one another.
This made me laugh because it reminded me of an email I received about a thing I used to send out called Something Daily, which was a simple daily (duh!) inspirational quote. Some people loved it. Some didn’t get much out of it.
But one woman felt the need to explain why she was unsubscribing and went into a diatribe about how much a certain quote irked her. She called it inane and complained and complained. She also completely misread the quote, but all I could think was, “Why are you wasting all this energy over a quote?”
WAIT WAIT WAIT…
Like, a million comments back up there:
Who on EARTH could ever POSSIBLY think that Chris Garrett is a douche bag?
@ MM — I KNOW!!! What the fuck?!
When I got that email, I immediately forwarded it to several people and said, “This is the most stellar example of personality-based marketing I have ever SEEN!” Gifts are always dicey in our household too, due to the shared finance thing – plus you were offering incredible value in exchange. I seriously considered participating.
I have often said women are each others’ worst enemies – they’re the ones putting the money in the pockets of the “oppressors” and supporting the attendant value systems. I have seen the enemy, and she is us.
I always wonder what people who write hate mail are like in real life. Are they full of hate all the time, or only when online? Anyway, when are you teaching us how to launch an effective hate mail campaign?
Oh wait, I meant to say this:
“Now this is really scuzzy and disingenuous…faking hate mail to win sympathy. Of all the scuzzy and disingenuous things I’ve seen, this is the scuzziest and disingenuousest. Take your blog out of my RSS reader.”
Is it too late to say that?
“Take your blog out of my RSS reader”. That bit really bothers me.
So…she thinks your husband doesn’t actually have a birthday?
Well I’m so late to the party all the good stuff has been said.
If you want the technical term for why women fuck ourselves and each other over it’s called, ‘internalized sexism.’ The beauty of oppression is that after a while, the top dogs don’t even have to do anything to enforce their dominant role. The underdogs have been so beaten into submission that they won’t even try too hard, and should one of their own actually look like she’s going to make it…. they’ll be ready to tear her down in a heartbeat.
For better or worse, this is not a gender-specific issue. Look at any marginalized group- you’ll see the same dynamic at work.
Bottom line- Naomi- you totally rock and obviously your tribe has your back. I shudder to think about the cans of whoop-ass that would be unleashed should the identity of the hater become public knowledge!
Something I find hilarious about this is that I’m one of the “suckers” who fell for Naomi’s brilliant manipulation. Except I didn’t buy because it was her hubby’s birthday or anything like that. I bought because it was like “Holy crap! Consulting with Naomi for only $200! What an awesome deal!”
But I’m sure that was part of her evil plot. Naomi, you naughty, naughty girl! So tricky!
@ Pace, you realize I’m just making fun of the guy who wrote the hate mail, right?
Naomi –
First of all, I just want to say, “hells yeah!” As a woman entrepreneur, I am so tired of women bitching and moaning about the injustices of womanness and blaming other (more confident/successful/powerful/wealthy/insert-adjective-here) women for their own shortcomings in business and in life.
Second of all, I want to give you a big double loud-ass smacking high ten for posting that email and sharing it with us. Every day, I look forward to receiving updates from you via email, and every day I hear your voice and I feel like I’m not alone in my endeavors.
So keep it up, we depend on you out here. And to your hate mail sender: Quit fucking projecting!
Cheers!
P.S. I just bought The Fluent Self, and I can’t wait to get started. Thanks for the awesome deal.
I love the way your personality shines through, Naomi, and I take your point about women. But I have to admit, one of my first thoughts on reading the birthday post was “Naomi has told us a bazillion times how much money her business makes but she runs a sale to take her husband out for dinner?” I also liked the blog better when not every post was intended to sell something – or written by a guest blogger.
Okay, readers. Go ahead and dismember me.
@Hunter: You realize I’m just making fun of myself (in my earlier comment), right? (:
@Pace, your humor is so meta. I’m giggling. :D
I’m kinda just stuck right here because it feels like you’ve just peeked into my life.
“Then, when somebody fucks us over on a business deal, we keep quiet because we don’t want to sound like a bitch.”
You people [like that?] are up in my stuff knowing things you have no possible way of knowing. Except you do. And how often this happens on the intertoobs, is beyond me. Like ALL the time.
But then here is it. Wonderful wisdom disguised as hate mail & made up birthdays complete with preemies.
I’ve already fantasized about being you and unbitching myself. What would Naomi say….?
And with a lot of help from my friends and that visualization trick I just mentioned starring you, I think I’m pretty darned close to arriving at the “How” part of it and I’m learning to take it (reframe it) like a man.
Which reminds me. Nobody f’ing cares.
PS. Thank you for this post and I hope Jamie has a kick-ass bday celebration.
God Bless you. I’m going to sign up for your stuff even though I haven’t yet read what you do. I work in radio and get my fair share of hate mail for a variety of reasons. I cheer for the MN Vikings-not GB Packers, I am short, I have an opinion on something, I am a woman, I am from Minnesota, I wasn’t born in Wisconsin, I like ketchup and not catsup, I call it pop instead of soda, I don’t have a penis, I prefer cats over dogs, I like Arctic Cat more than Polaris, I think drunk driving is bad, I hate Michael Vick, I pronounce the “R” on “car” a little more than most…good grief, you get my point. The internet makes it MUCH easier to express hatred. There’s no face and rarely consequences. With each piece of hate mail, I experience a new range of emotions and and new reasons why I should quit my job and never deal with people again. But within a few hours, the pain subsides and I get pissed. Pissed that someone can openly spew such hatred at ME. Then, I realize that it’s THEIR issue, not mine. I pick up my copy of The Four Agreements…read for a few minutes and then find my happy place. May you find yours, as well.
“Generally speaking, and I fully include myself in this generality, women are totally fucking irrational. We make no goddamn sense.”
My boss/friend says the same thing. He’s listened to marketing meetings (our marketing director is female as well) and, after five minutes, he’s shaking his head because he has NO IDEA how she and I manage to communicate.
I know that men and women have different approaches to problems and such, because we’re wired differently, but some of the things women do really bug me. For example (paraphrased from a comment I posted on Havi’s blog, when I went to a meeting of female entrepreneurs, there seemed to be a lot of man-bashing going on, with a general gist of “We can do this because men CAN’T.”
I never went back to another meeting, because I didn’t agree with the idea of tearing another group down in order to build ourselves up.
I don’t know if this is “why women fail,” but I do agree that the differences between men’s and women’s psyches probably play a huge role in why men tend to dominate in certain industries.
And just for the record, I loved the sales letter. I thought it was very sweet, and I hope you and Jamie have a kickass birthday weekend.
So I’m the opposite of Pace: I’m a man who totally identifies with Naomi’s description of her female clients! Naomi, I owe you (another) one for giving me something to think about.
Naomi, thank you for sharing the dark side of being a public figure.
I am terribly (like bad dreams) afraid of receiving emails that tear at my soul.
I wonder how I will cope when this happens. I will remember, I hope, the universality of negativity about us. That we have to remove it from the personal to survive.
I also commented on the gender aspect on Havi’s blog.
Well this is my first time commenting on your posts, I’m somewhat to new to this whole blogging and commenting thing. But I do want to say that I LOVE your site, posts & newsletter. The “foul” language is real and refreshing and the birthday ideas make seem more like a real person is behind this business versus just a company trying to push a product. Keep writing the way you do, and keep promoting yourself and your business the way you do because many of us find that real and refreshing!
Phew – this is kinda like having a colonoscopy. It’s important yet uncomfortable, even humiliating. But at the end of it all, with one good fart for the medical staff, you go home a better person (or at least your colon does) and 5 pounds lighter. Yay!
Preach it sister! =D
I’m absolutely thrilled out of my mind that I got to be the LAST PERSON at yesterdays sale!!!!! FUCK YEAH!!! I totally understand the need for a really great party and applaud you and all you do!!!!! Can’t wait to chat with you after you’ve Rocked Jamie’s world!!!! Have a MAGNIFICENT TIME!!!! xoxoxoxoox
When I talk to female clients, they ask, “Is this going to work?”
When I talk to male clients, they ask, “How can I make this work?”
I sell snow throwers this time of year. For men it’s all about price/features.
For women it’s all about “can I trust you.”
Caught this post by accident.
Best laugh I’ve had in ages. Naomi (my 82yo mom’s name as well) you are soooo out there and you’ve got some very funny fans.
That bitchie thing is a damned if you do damned if you don’t kind of deal. As a gross generalization – when there’s and issue on the table: women focus on their feelings, need to share them and to be validated – and guys really don’t want to hear about it – let’s just figure out what to do and move on.
It does make for some awkward moments.
I think the competition just plays out uniquely by gender. Guys tend to beat you up – literally. The girls just have sharper knives (language)!
Great stuff. Love me, hate me, just do not ignore me!
I don’t know if I’ve ever commented on your blog.
I’m sitting here chomping. At the bit. And I’m scared. I’m scared to post this because the brand of Reese is the brand of the nice, friendly girl who doesn’t rattle chains too much.
That scared? That’s your POINT. THat’s the rub. That I’m walking this earth fearfully and not wanting to piss people off and not wanting to take the proverbial bull by the horns and not wanting to be out there in a way that may rattle other people’s chains.
You nailed it. Why am I not saying “how can I do this” instead of “should I do this”?
I’ve been looking for a kick in the ass for a while. I daresay this post has done it better than anything else has.
And Jamie, happy birthday. I thought the email from you, Naomi, was brilliant and wonderful.
I am trying to think of something brilliant and original to add, but all I can come up with is Yeah That’s It Exactly.
(Happy birthday, Jamie!)
“women are totally fucking irrational. We make no goddamn sense.”
NO NO NO NO NO.
I am very disappointed to see this on your blog. I expected better.
Yikes. This is the first time I’ve visited your site and I had no idea what I’d be stepping into. I blithely came over from the WorkHappy guy’s site (by the way, he says you have a brilliant mind). So after reading your post and all the comments, I got to wondering about two things. First, why all the fuss? I wouldn’t categorize this as hate mail, but rather an unhappy customer. I mean, I know it’s no fun to get this kind of email, but I don’t think she’s going postal on you or anything. Second, aren’t there a bunch of creative/helping types on this site? (Not sure – I could be wrong about that). And if so, might it be possible to look at her email from a deeper, less surface perspective, maybe even bring some empathy to it? You know what they say…all perception is projection, and clearly she’s projecting a whole lot of stuff on you, which you and your readers are projecting right back. But you’ve definitely rallied the troops, and I admire you for being well-loved and respected. Although as far as the connection between women sending hate mail and women failing goes, I’d have to ponder that one a whole lot longer.
Happy belated birthday, Jamie!
Naomi, like Sonia, I have nothing new or smart to add to the debate, so here’s a{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}.
Next time you get an email like that, just delete it. The folk who know you love you.
PS If Jamie and the kid really are fake, send back the present!!
WELL DONE. I love this post.
As a woman in technology I have, for so long, been “one of the guys.” Not “a woman who can kick your ass every day and twice on Sunday when it comes to computers,” but “one of the guys.” The token female of the IT sausage-fest.
Which is ok, except it’s not.
I hate that there’s this assumption that women are not as capable as men at certain things, and that women have to remain small and please everyone all the time. I hate that women buy into that and perpetuate it – and inflict it on their little girls. I hate even the fact that there’s such a distinction as “women in business” – as if it should be miraculous and amazing that a woman is an entrepreneur. What about “humans in business” ?
Thanks so much for this. It really does come down to having the courage of your convictions – and the right person to kick your ass when you don’t. You rock. :)
This is the bit that has me nodding so much my neck hurts:
OK, duh, not every single woman on earth. Obviously.
But a lot of us? I think so. I see it every day, in myself & other women.
Reading that comment brought me right back to the days when I worked at the bank…women stabbing women daily, but not in the heart, square in the back, in a lovely passive aggressive kind of way…and what for! Perhaps she was one of my co-workers :)
After lurking here a couple months, this one got me. Here’s why I think the very angry woman missed the point:
I want to have a successful ittybiz and make oodles of money. I want to do this so me and my family and loved ones can be financially secure and do cool stuff together. I also want to have a successful ittybiz and makes oodles of money so I can do some good in the world. And I want it all without selling my soul.
So Naomi comes along and says, I want to do something really fabulous for someone I love, so I need to make some money. Why else are we in business, but for this?
I was really bummed that I couldn’t take Naomi up on her discount consulting offer, because I’m still in the info-gathering phase. But I will gladly pay $500 when I’ve got something concrete and need direction, because as far as I’m concerned, Naomi’s got her priorities straight.
Right now I’m off to buy the Marketing School package before Friday ends, so I can take one more step toward “how can I make this work?”
Male-female brain differences >>> http://www.doctorhugo.org/brain4.html
;)
1st time here and loved this! Really refreshing and I can see the truth in what you say here, great to find such an honest and entertaining blog! Subscribed.
Jen
Hi,
Also my first time here. Loved your honesty and excellent points. Interestingly, I felt a sting after reading your blog. Thing is, I know I take lots of people’s shit, don’t speak up, and then my anger grows and grows. I hate that I do that. I am working on not doing that anymore. But after years of doing it, it’s not easy to just turn off.
You pointing out that it sucks that we females don’t speak up doesn’t exactly help me. What would be more helpful is to talk about how to do something different. Okay, progress, I’m being honest.
Carrie
“Something pushes the This Is Serious And You’re Allowed To Be Mad button.”
Oh yeah, Naomi, you nailed this. I’ve never seen/heard this point so well-voiced before! And yet we have known it all along. My latest experience was losing my best friend as she went through a divorce — nothing I said or did could comfort her devastation, so I became the fall guy. Silly bitch, she’d probably still take him back, while I am frozen shit on a stick.
Well done, and thanks for putting it into perspective!