Remember the elevator speech we talked about yesterday? With the pamphlets? And remember how we wondered who in hell would take one of the pamphlets?

The enterprising Megan Morris would, and did, bless her little heart.

So, simply because there are no lengths to which I will not go to ensure you learn everything you need to know about marketing, I studied it. (Aside: If I had studied in school the way I studied this pamphlet, my mother would probably love me more.)

In a sea of probably 100 simple photo ads with no text, one ad stands out:

“I’m Amanda and I specialize in entertaining couples.”

(I made that nice and big so your coworkers will look at you funny. I told you, if you quit your fucking day job already, that wouldn’t be an issue, would it?)

Let’s channel our inner Jill From Poughkeepsie, shall we? Jill has been married to Dan for eight or nine years — God, who can remember anymore? — and their sex life has gotten stale. They have the opportunity to go to Vegas for a few days to get away from little Hunter and Mackenzie for a while.

After seeing the souvenir cups at the bar outside the Paris casino, Jill gets it in her head that she wants both the Eiffel Tower glass and the balloon glass, and sagely decides that, hell, this is Vegas. She’s going to get a pina colada AND a strawberry margarita. Jill is a racy little tramp. Dan encourages this because there’s an outside chance he might get laid for the first time in four months.

The result of all of this rampant debauchery is a marked decrease in Jill’s inhibitions. She’s heard that boys like girls who fuck girls. Maybe a call girl is just the thing for Dan’s flagging libido.

(Not that she likes women. Except that teeny tiny crush on Jennifer in college, but that totally wasn’t a CRUSH crush. She just really thought Jennifer was pretty and smart and funny and and really fun to hang out with but that Jason guy TOTALLY wasn’t good enough for her. But it’s not like she wanted to kiss her or anything. Eew.)

Jill boldly takes one of the proffered brochures and looks through it on the sly. What does she see?

Random girl with fake tits and stars on her nipples.

Random girl with fake tits and stars on her nipples.

Random girl with fake tits and stars on her nipples.

Amanda, using a headshot instead of a Look At My Ankles Behind My Head shot, who specializes in entertaining couples.

Who gets the call? Amanda gets the call.

Why? A few reasons:

1. Her USP. Amanda specializes. She will understand the unique needs of Jill and Dan, likely better than Random Girl With Fake Tits #346 will.

2. She is noticeable because she’s different. This is similar to number one, but not quite the same. If Amanda had said “I’m Amanda and I have brown hair” she would STILL get more calls because she differentiated herself. Not by having brown hair, but by USING WORDS.

3. Most importantly, Amanda is SAFE.

Let’s explore that last one for a minute.

I don’t know a lot about the demographics of the average bachelor party call girl patron. But I know a lot about differentiating yourself to appeal to the outlying 10 percent. In this case, the outlying 10% consists of people like Jill and Dan. They’re not different because they’re couples. They’re different because they’re shit scared.

Jill (and Dan, although he’s not going to admit it) is terrified.

She is terrified because she’s never read a blog article about the appropriate etiquette when hiring a call girl.

She is afraid she will make a terrible faux pas.

She doesn’t know how you order a call girl.

Do you pay with a credit card or cash?

Does the call girl stay for an hour or till you’re done?

Do you pay overtime?

What’s allowed and what’s not allowed?

What does she do if she’s uncomfortable?

She and Dan haven’t used condoms in 10 years – what the hell do you do about those?

Most of all, she is scared that the worldly and sophisticated call girl will think she’s an inexperienced loser from Poughkeepsie who’s only slept with four people.

Amanda looks like she won’t mind all that.

Amanda looks like she’ll be nice to Jill and Dan.

Amanda looks like she will understand.

Amanda gets to send her five illegitimate but adorable children to Yale.