Aug
31
The 5 Most Offensive Things I’ve Ever Written
Every now and again, after we get a big surge of new visitors, I like to do little round-up posts of stuff I said before y’all got here. This increases new visitor loyalty while increasing my traffic statistics. Sometimes I like to theme little roundups. Like today, where we will chronicle the five (plus one) posts that resulted in the highest number of people unsubscribing from this blog.
(For future reference, when you link here, for God’s sake, WARN PEOPLE! Housewives in Omaha are having fits of the vapors. They come on a non-offensive day, think it’s an OK place, and then get hit with one of these. Don’t let it happen, people! Think of the housewives!)
1. How To Become Rich and Famous on the Internet in 5 Easy Steps
“You don’t have to be Johnnie Walker to know which whiskey tastes like a harem full of honey-covered virgins and which one tastes like rat piss.”
“If I see one more fucking person criticize internet marketers for “trying to sell a lifestyle” while happily drinking Coke and typing on an iMac…”
Based on feedback, I’ve learned this post also makes for a great business success predictor. If your brain starts screaming “EEEW” when you read it, I would strongly recommend asking your old boss for your job back.
3. Branding on a Budget, or Thumper Was A Communist
“I can’t afford $1,500 for a logo. Am I better off buying a cheap logo, or using none? None. Slap some marginally decent shit in your header and call it a day. That kind of branding is for Coke. You’re small enough to just go with Not Some Shit My 9 Year Old Could Do With Microsoft Paint.”
I’m not sure why this one was so offensive. Maybe we had a disproportionately high percentage of Communist web designers. The bunny thing wasn’t bad, was it? Jesus. It’s BUNNIES, for Christ’s sake.
“It’s not enough anymore to have seen Guy Kawasaki while you were skiing in the Alps. You have to have held his hair back while he puked in the women’s bathroom of a dive bar in Zurich.”
5. How To Be A Titan Of Industry
“All the dudes in the middle flock to the eco end of the spectrum. Instead of a bell curve, you have 99 newly minted vegans and one neanderthal who clubs his breakfast to death.”
BONUS!!! If You Build It, They Won’t Come
I don’t think this one was offensive. I think they just took the last line a little too literally.
You’ll notice the pink vibrator one, the peeing one, and Get Out Of My Fucking Shop didn’t even make the list. I’m a little disappointed, to be honest.
Naomi,
You continue to amaze. You should be very proud that, in such a relatively short period, you have yourself such a kickass Top 5 list. They were each a brilliant read at the time and served up many keen insights and rawfully funny analogies about marketing practices, consumer behaviors, branding, and just good ole fashioned LYAO spot-on truths without all the sugarcoating and added fillers.
Great marketing is supposed to evoke, emote, and cause an action…these posts, as your others, do just that.
Cheers to you in another great achievement!
Dude! All my favorite posts, linked in one handy list! :D
This is why I love you Naomi. It’s extra funny because I wasn’t really into the offensive swearing thing until I got to know you. Now that I know your personality/smartstuff, I kind of look forward to the offensive funny but true comments you make. :)
Fuck’em if they can’t take a joke, and if they can, then make them buy drinks afterwards. Havi’s got Right People and you’ve got People Who Have a Fucking Clue. Both great groups, but I know which want I’d want to close/burn down a bar with.
And, “Nothing provokes outrage so much as the public proclamations of the secret sins of a hypocrite.” I’m not sure who said it. Hell, come to think of it, *I* may have said it. Doesn’t make it any less true.
And, and, who gives a shit about Communist bunnies, not matter which stars they’re fucking?
Now I have to go take those meds I’ve been saving for a special occasion…
“All the dudes in the middle flock to the eco end of the spectrum. Instead of a bell curve, you have 99 newly minted vegans and one neanderthal who clubs his breakfast to death.”
This is hands-down one of my favorite lines in all of IttyBiz. Every time I read it, I picture a line of hemp-wearing, peace-loving hippies standing next to one caveman wearing a leopard skin, carrying a bloody club with a huge dead elephant behind him.
It makes me giggle every time.
Oh goodie, nice to have a list for my rereading pleasure.
Yeah, the “Starfucking” post was pretty offensive. However, luckily, it does not contain the word “doucherocket.”
All customers Are Liars should be on the list of all-time greatest everything posts. Seriously.
@Gilbert – you don’t want to burn down barns with my people? Seriously? What’s wrong with you?
Oh, wait. BARS. Not barns. Yeah, I could see how a bar would burn better, what with the alcohol and stuff. Fine, we’ll move on to burning bars. But only so we can hang out with you.
@Johnny DOUCHEROCKET!
This strikes me like one of those sit-coms, where they rehash old material from previous episodes to keep newbies up to date. Not bad, mind you, merely a pleasant and vulgar walk down memory lane.
Moral of the story, you’re not for everyone, but that’s ok. Be yourself and you’ll do fine with your niche (a lesson we can all learn).
Gah, stupid comment ambiguity. I just realized that it kind of sounded like I was saying “Johnny Doucherocket!” when the actual intention was more like, “Johnny Truant! Thank you for giving me the word doucherocket which I will now say gleefully in all caps with exclamation points as I dance around the room!”
Whoops.
Or: “The Five Reasons I Heart This Blog.”
The Guy Kawasaki line kills me every time.
@Havi can say what she likes, but JBT’s new name is totally Johnny Doucherocket.
I’m voting with Sonia and the rest of the pink hair crowd.
So was his name Johnny Douchrocket before and now he’s changing it back?
Well if the shoe fits…..
@ Selma — Selma! How could you lower yourself to let Havi comment here?
@ Havi — Is Selma feeling OK? And, fwiw, I would burn down a barn with you any time, you crazy barn-burner, you.
@ Johnny — Thank you for making Havi say “doucherocket”. More than once. If I were paying you, I would totally give you a raise.
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@1kaday You know we’re picturing you obese, flatulent and wearing nothing but hip waders and a tutu dancing uncontrollably while cheese drool slobbers and flies all over, right?
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@Havi – It’s sweet of you to cover for Selma, but I know the truth because she keeps phoning me and calling me doucherocket, like, I’m totally going to have to get a restraining order.
P.S: Bonus tips from Mitch Hedberg’s comedy routine: Ducks eat for free at Subway.
F*ck Omaha, f*ck the housewives, f*ck the communists, and f*ck the bunnies.
Well, maybe not the bunnies. The bunnies can stay.
You go girl.
-Nick
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