The Home Business Happiness Scale: Where Are You?
OK, you have to stay with me on this one. I will get around to relating this to home business, I promise, but it’s going to take me a while. So go grab yourself a coffee or a Crown & Coke or whatever because here we go.
The other day I was talking to a very good friend and she said something to me that really got under my skin. She and her boyfriend are looking to buy their first house, and a couple of weeks ago they found perfection — love at first sight. They put in an offer and held their breath. This weekend they just found out that their offer was refused and the owner had sold the house to another couple.
Naturally, she was disappointed. But what really seemed to annoy me was just how much it seemed to get her down. After all, at least she had someone she loved, they both have great jobs and good health, and at least they’re in the position to buy.
I was feeling jealous because Naomi and I would like to buy a house but can’t right now.
I was feeling petty and believing that any problems Naomi and I had were much more serious than just not getting the house we wanted. After all, there are plenty of houses out there and my friend just needs to keep looking. I didn’t like that I was feeling this way so I started thinking about it. I came up with a theory.
The Re-Calibrating Happiness Scale Theory
Most of us believe that events come along with their own preset happiness quotient. If viewed objectively, most of us can rate a list of events in order of the amount of happiness they would bring the average person. Good is good, bad is bad, that sort of thing.
Let’s say I gave you three events and asked you to rate them in order of least-happiness-inducing to most-happiness-inducing — 1 being the lowest and 3 being the highest. If those three events were a funeral, getting a new job, and your own marriage, most people would rank these 1, 2, and 3 respectively.
This is all well and good, but when it comes to our own lives, we can’t be objective.
If we all have a happiness scale of -10 to 10, my -10 is not going to be the same as your -10, and your 10 is not going to be the same as my 10.
My friend is in a different stage of her life than I am. What she expects to get from her life is different from what I expect to get from my life. This is why not getting her house is a -10 on her scale — she expects that she should be able to buy a house based on where she is in her life. I can’t relate because putting an offer on house is so far beyond my scale right now, and therefore I have no expectations about it.
When I thought about it a little further, I realized that not only is my scale different from my friend’s scale, but my scale is different from my own scale of even a few months ago.
Because my life is changing, my scale is being re-calibrated based on my new circumstances and the new expectations that arise from those circumstances.
OK, we’re almost to the part where I relate this to your own home business.
In a previous life, I worked at a job where I had to deal with a lot of red tape. This used to really piss me off, especially when I kept seeing commercials for my company on TV talking about our wonderful customer service.
A -10 day at work for me was any day where my interactions with a client were hampered by red tape. Then Naomi came up with the brilliance which is IttyBiz and I quit to work with her. One of the things I clung to was with our own business, we make the decisions. No more red tape.
When I did that, my expectations about my new job role changed. I no longer expected to have to deal with red tape, and at that moment my happiness scale re-calibrated. My old concept of -10 was deleted. But while the events on your scale may change, the scale itself never does.
The scale doesn’t change.
You always have to have a -10 and a +10 and they always feel the same. You feel just as frustrated or elated at -10 or +10, only the events and your own expectations have changed.
A few months ago I was getting disappointed with working from home because it felt like it hadn’t made me any happier. I was thinking about going back to work. Guess where I was going to apply first? You got it, my old red-tape job. Naomi was able to remind me of all the reasons I wanted to leave that job, and finally I realized that I did not want to go back. I was indeed happier working from home.
The moral of the story? Any given day can be a -10 or a +10 or even a 0 or a 3 or a -2. But…
Just because you’re having a -10 day doesn’t mean you’ve made a bad choice in your life.
Some days working from home will seem like the best decision you ever made. Some days you will wonder whatever possessed you to leave the security of a 9-5 job. Once you realize that you will always have days like this — no matter what you’re doing — it’s easier to look at your life as a whole and see that it’s not as bad as you might think.
The key is not “how do I feel today?”, but “how have I been feeling since I made a change in my life?”
The secondary moral of the story (can a story have more than one moral?) is to remember that everyone has a scale, and everyone feels their -10 or +10 just as intensely as you do. Just because I may wish I had my friend’s problem doesn’t mean she’s not deeply affected by it.
So what can you do to help keep some perspective?
One little thing I’ve found that works for me is to schedule the tasks I most enjoy doing for the end of my work day. I can have a pretty good day, but if the last hour is shit then I think I had a shitty day. Ending on a positive note can turn a bad day into a good one. (Charlie from Productive Flourishing made a similar point here.)
Secondly, keep a journal. Not a “I had tuna fish on rye but we ran out of light mayonnaise” journal, just a simple little journal of how things went. This helped me when I was thinking about rejoining the rat race.
I was able to go back and read about how badly some of those days at the old job made me feel. After time and changed expectations, those bad feelings lost their edge. When I realized that some days I felt as bad as I did today, I was able to remember that the old job wasn’t as great as nostalgia would have me believe.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, try to get rid of your expectations. I don’t really follow Buddhism but Naomi tells me this is like losing your attachments. If you don’t wake up each day expecting the day to turn out a certain way then you’re less likely to be disappointed.
Less disappointments mean more happiness.
I’m sure this is not groundbreaking stuff, and it may not even be all that original. But I was at a point in our home business where I was wondering if this was really for me, and what I came up with on my own helped me get through it. As always, if you have any thoughts on how to cope with indecision or unhappiness, please let me know, I’d love to hear them.
Photocredit: netsrot
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Yay for Jamie!
I’m with you. Ever since I’ve been working on starting my own business, I’ve been broke, constantly struggling to make ends meet, in debt, confused, scared - and happier than I’ve ever been, ever, in my life.
Freedom is a giant +100 for me. So is living by my own ethics and standards. The debt? Eh. It’s maybe a -20 or something. Not so big, when you think about it.
P.S. You gots to get you a stupid tagline, Jamie. I suggest “Yay for Jamie!”
Not groundbreaking, but I deal with this every single day. On paper, I have everything that a person could possibly ever hope for. But I still struggle and complain to my poor husband and whine endlessly to my poor friends. I even managed to whine to your wife via email a couple of days ago.
Do you like cliches? I do. They have a calming effect on me. One of my favorite cliches, which I was reminded of when I recently watched “Berenstein Bears” reruns with my daughters (shrug):
Count your blessings.
It’s that simple. Whenever I’m in a bad mood, I force myself to look at what I DO have. And we have so much, don’t we?
I like your idea of saving the best for last. I am going to try that.
Yay for Jamie. (You can always count on me for an insightful and intelligent comment, oui?)
I hear ya Jamie. Sometimes being self-employed is rough, but the flexibility and freedom is so worth it to me. Thanks for the tips on making the rough days go easier.
The plus side of being a small business owner is that every -10 day, was still a day investing in your own business and unlimited possibilities.
At a “normal” job, a -10 day is just another crappy day making someone else rich off your labor.
“Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, try to get rid of your expectations.”
I think that’s so true. Expectations, to use your scale analogy, really impact how you will view an outcome. If your expecting the worse and it turns out average - you’ve got a +5. If you go in expecting the best and it turns out average - you’ve got a -5. Not to say you should be forever pessimistic - just that you should manage your expectations.
Good post, Jamie.
“how have I been feeling since I made a change in my life?” A well-asked question, and something that represents a definite mind shift for most people, myself included. I’ve been feeling a lot better over the last month or so since I made the conscious decision to get my freelance writing career started. I’m slowly working my way through my task list, and am feeling much better about things because of it.
This was a great post that has definitely got me thinking. Thanks!
Okay, this is not exactly responding to the main topic of this post, I know, but maybe it helps you and Naomi: You don’t have to qualify for a mortgage to buy a house. Especially in today’s market. If you really want, there are other ways such as buying subject to existing financing, in which you get the deed to the property and pay the existing mortgage of the seller. I know real estate situation is specific to each local area. . . I am just saying there can be ways. You guys are gutsy and creative.
I define success as the meeting of expectations. Managing expectations is just as important as the accomplishment. Your custmer and you may have different expectations for the same result. There’s nothing wrong with adjusting expectations to coincide with reality.
Very well written and thought out. Naomi, I don’t think it is fair that you get a cool sense of humor and writing skills PLUS a husband who “gets it”.
@ Alisha — It all works out in the end. I have no boobs and it takes me an hour to shave my legs, but I have a great husband. Balance is restored in the universe.
You shave your legs? I have my husband convinced that the new “in” thing is leg hair.
Another good riff on this is to look at where you are and ask yourself how you can slide the scale.
If your day is a 5, ask yourself, “What would I have to do to make this an 8?”
You might be surprised at how easy it is.
And yes, Naomi, Subscribing to Ittybiz is a sure way to crank your day up to 11.
Oi!
The emotions of working for yourself are also way off the map compared with being an employee. What may have been a scale of -10 to 10 before becomes a scale of -120 000 to 3 (I’m pretty hard on myself and don’t dwell on success as much as I should as you can see).
I do receive updates about how screwed up the place I used to work has become so some god of free enterprise is looking over me telling me to stick it out which helps too.
So Naomi’s post about being scared shitless helped convince me quitting my job was a great idea. And now Jamie swoops in to reassure me that i did in fact make the right decision.
If i could schedule the two of you to say the exactly right thing at exactly the right time with regards to all facets of my life… i’d be set.
thanks dudes
For most of us, our lives are about what we’ll trade. Some will trade endless hours of “red-tape” or abusive work for the wherewithal to drive a Porsche and live in a 5,000 sf palace.
I’ll drive a Subaru and live in 1700 sf in exchange for freedom.
Unless you inherited unlimited wealth or had some similar extreme condition, you probably need to make choices. Self employment is a choice that many make for similar reasons: control, freedom, challenge.. but even here there are choices: do I work twenty hours a week or sixty? Do I take only work I like? Only customers I like?
Choices determine happiness. We are most unhappy when we have no choice, or when all alternatives lead to dismal results. But even when all outcomes are less then desirable, we’ll be happier if we can choose.
And that’s why most of us self employed are happier than other people. We get to make choices, to trade one thing for another. We’re involved with our lives, steering the course rather than hanging on and letting someone else drag us where they want to go.
The more you can choose, the happier you will be.
Thanks for posting this. I’ve been having a bad last few weeks and feeling guilty for not being grateful enough for what I do have. It’s good to remember that I’m human.
Jamie: one good thing is that you realise that buying a house is the wrong move right now. Just look at the “sub-prime” mortgage fiasco down south. Many people bought homes when they should not have done so. You may be saving yourselves endless grief and heartache on the financial front.
I love your -10 +10 scale.
that is brilliant Jamie.
How to cope with unhappiness?
Here is a quote to help with that.
” When we choose not to focus on what is missing in our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present-love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure- the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth.”
-Sarah Ban Breathnach
I have been reading this blog for a while and have gotten some great tips, and today I leave my first comment. This post is right up my alley - personally and professionally.
I agree that letting go of expectations helps a lot. In addition to expectations, letting go of judgments, of others and ourselves, is critical to happiness as well. We are all different - comparison can cause more pain and some believe it is the root of suffering. I know from my own experience, comparison doesn’t help my happiness levels!
I recently heard someone say during a talk:
…Don’t let situations create your happiness, allow your happiness to create your situations….
Thanks for the thought-provoking post - it inspired me to write one, too!
First, thanks for the link, Jamie. I very much appreciate it and am glad that you found it useful.
I’m a big fan (okay, nerd) for self-assessments and the scale you’ve provided is a really good way to look at things. What I try to do is never to make really important decisions when I’m holistically at the sub-0 stage. If, after a few days or weeks, I’m still sub-0, I know that it’s not for the fact that I was dehydrated, hungry, mopey, inebriated, or any of things that affect our happiness - the unhappiness is caused by something that needs to change.
Then, as you point out, it’s just finding out what it is that’s causing the unhappiness. Unrealistic or just plain stupid expectations are generally the first suspect in the lineup.
Great post, Jamie. I’m glad to see you’re still alive and brave enough to post after your last few flirtations with death (aka a sleeping Naomi).
Jamie,
If its my marriage, then it’s gonna depend on whether you let me choose whose funeral. I might go 3-2-1. A whole different scale. ;)
Seriously…
I love the idea of the re-calibrating scale. I never thought of it that way, but it’s so true. The same things move around, new things find a place on the scale, and old things drop off.
Getting rid of my expectations doesn’t work for me, though. This will sound corny, but it’s how I do it: I expect laughter, brilliance in nature, and aha! moments, then I go out and bring them to me daily. I make people laugh constantly, and I am always laughing out loud with others; I stop to smell the roses or marvel at the stars; I absolutely crave new knowledge or insights daily.
Kinda hippie-dippy, but I expect joy. I’m not Pollyanna, I don’t always get a “good day” (Lord knows), but I get moments. Always. I have to.
It cracks me up that you (almost) don’t swear. I can tell whose writing it is right away. So…
Stupid tagline for Jamie: “Go ahead. Open IttyBiz at work today.”
Regards,
Kelly
Well, learning to be satisfied with what one has is a big part of being happy and also being able to know when enough is enough can also contribute to a feeling of peace and calm. Must it always be more, more, more? I’m happy to have all that I need and much more.
I’ve been trying to not let the last month get me down. The thing is for the last 12 months my traffic and income from my website have increased all but a couple months. This month my hosting performance went totally south. They say nothing is wrong.
Pages never load. DB queries that should take under a second are sometimes taking a minute which means that’s how long it takes the page to load. My traffic has dropped to less than half of what it was a month ago. It looks like from Google’s webmaster tools they’ve pretty much quit crawling my site.
So why didn’t I change hosting sooner. The hard drive on my 4 month old computer totally failed and I had forgotten to back up a critical file needed to update my site. Fortunately with a lot of effort I was able to recreate it. Now my site is almost ready to go live on a new host. Hopefully this is just a bump in the road. The thing is I would have been happy 6 months ago if I had the traffic I have after my big drop.
[...] Which is why, I think that self hosted Wordpress blogs ROCK as a primary web presence for the average small business owner are the KEY to increasing your small business happiness factor! [...]
Launching a business is HARD!!! Really, really HARD!!! And sometimes, it’s hard to be happy when things are so HARD!!!
The reason for the high “failure” rate of new businesses is NOT because the business didn’t make enough money. The number of business “failures” in the sense of the business was too far in debt and unable to cover its expenses are actually much less common than you might imagine. Many, many small business owners throw in the towel because they lose sight of the long term happiness goal. Today was hard, yesterday was hard but not quite as hard as today. OMG! If this trend continues, I’ll be suicidal in less than a week!
As a “boot strapping entrepreneur” you get to wear ALL the hats… even the ones you hate. You get to wear the sales hat… the bookkeeper hat… THE WEB MASTER HAT (I hear you Rob!) even the janitor’s hat.
Oh, and even when your business “grows” to a point where you can hire other humans to wear these hats for you… the buck still stops with you. If the bookkeeper you hired doesn’t do his/her job… the buck still stops with you. If the sales superstar you hired doesn’t deliver, the buck still stops with you. (Which is why I finally settled down into my comfortable “micro-biz” and quit trying to hire staff to take twice as long to do half as much as I could do myself.)
You are fortunate in the fact that you have a supportive spouse to help remind you of WHY you left your red-tape job. Because happiness is relative.
My sister’s spouse wasn’t nearly so supportive… and after pushing for her to go back into her “red tape” job….then filed for divorce because he couldn’t deal with how MISERABLE she was living 2/3 of her waking hours in a job she hated. You two are VERY lucky to have each other.
Thank - you Jamie for your great thoughts. I too have been having -10 kind of days. You helped put things in perspective. I wasn’t questioning my employment or perhaps starting my own business, that’s not for me. But the daily struggle of helping someone so ill is kinda tough and I was wondering if I could handle it. But you’re right some days are going to be -10 and some +10. I’m just hoping the +10 is coming soon. So keep up the good thoughts we all need a little kick in the perspective butt.
Great article, Jamie (Yay for Jamie!). It reminds me of a story told by someone who worked in the Bread & Puppet troupe based in Vermont (where I live). These guys go around putting on these giant shows with gigantic puppets to make political statements (it’s way cooler than it sounds).
Anyway, they were all tired and rained on and dispirited one day, and everyone was complaining. The troupe’s leader quietly said: “Happiness is not important.”
I still think about that, a lot, because there are many days when I feel unhappy. I know how relative it all is, and hearing your story helped a lot.
Thanks!
Oh! Michael, I saw them last year when I was visiting my parents. They are wonderful. That’s a pretty great thought, too. Just letting go of the term “happy” as such a critical measure.
[...] Which is why, I think that self hosted Wordpress blogs ROCK as a primary web presence for the average small business owner are the KEY to increasing your small business happiness factor! [...]
Dear Jamie,
I have just read your fantastic article and realize - once again - why my daughter adores you, and how proud I am that you are in our family.
Thank you for looking after the most important people in my life.
With much love, forever and always… Maman xxx
[...] The Small Business Happiness Scale: Where Are You? - IttyBiz [...]
[...] about running a small business, that aren’t really about running a small business at all. This is one of my favourite posts that I’ve seen on the site, and it’s a really good way of talking about expectations, [...]