Feb
02
What to Do With the Worm at the Bottom of the Tequila Bottle?
Sometimes being self-employed sucks.
You spend every waking hour (and some sleeping ones, too) working on your precious business – it’s your baby, your lover, your ever so slightly co-dependent best friend.
You spend so much time and energy on it that your real baby, lover, and best friend complain that there is nothing left for them.
But you can’t help it – you are obsessed. You are determined to share what you got with the world.
And sometimes people love what you’ve got, love you, and shower you with roses and orders and blog comments and 83% organic dark chocolate.
And sometimes? Sometimes, not so much.
Sometimes it’s dead quiet out there and you feel a tad exposed. You troll Twitter and everyone’s tweets are so peppy, all about how great their businesses are doing, you start to feel a tad bad. The story line, “What was I thinking?” starts sucking you in.
Add to that the overwhelming number of things you could be doing for your itty-biz– split page splitting, strategic partnership partnering, product launch launching – and, if you’re anything like me, by Friday at noon you’re under the covers sucking down an endless pitcher of margaritas and fantasizing about putting an application in at the post office.
Suddenly, a job comprised of very simple, very repetitive actions sound very appealing.
At least you wouldn’t have to explain to your Aunt Edna what you do and have her not understand you – again.
Every self-employed lunatic ittybizzer faces moments like these – and the more your business is connected to your heart, the more you’re selling something that matters to you — the more overwhelming and depleting it can all be.
That’s why I’m here to tell you that the single best thing you can do for your business – besides buying all of Naomi’s products — is to become the linchpin of your own support system. If you are to succeed in this wacky self-employed world, you have to befriend and care for yourself.
But self-care is tough. It can seem self-indulgent and whiny, rather intangible, and you usually put it off until you’re hiding under the covers swilling that pitcher of margaritas again.
Or if tequila’s not your thing, maybe you find yourself:
- Surfing the Internet until your butt goes numb and your heart grows stiff
- Buying another Platinum-Plated-be-an-Internet-Billionaire program
- Imitating your favorite blogger, sure that if you could write like Naomi (or Darren or Seth) you would be rich and loved (and therefore safe)
- Raiding your kid’s brittle Halloween candy
- __________ (fill in your favorite avoidance technique here)
These avoidance techniques are what I call “Shadow Comforts,” things we turn to for fulfillment, but which don’t really fill us up.
It’s natural to turn to these pseudo-fulfilling tidbits because they familiar, numbing, and accessible. But to truly be filled up, you MUST go beyond the bags of Cheetos, the all-night Twitter marathons, and the three-hour naps.
You probably knew that already. Most people know intuitively that renewal and comfort are not found at the bottom of a bag of Oreos, even if they are organic. But knowing something and putting it into practice are two very different animals.
Fortunately for you, having written more than my fair share of self-help books and magazine articles and snappy speeches, I have a few nifty ideas on how you can translate what your heart and soul already know into action and end that crispy-fried vibe you may be feeling:
Nifty Tip #1. Accept that ittybiz burnout happens. Your aim is not to stop the cycle entirely but to interrupt the cycle sooner.
Nifty Tip #2. To successfully implement Nifty Tip #1, you must develop the habit of noticing your mental state and intervening before your self-talk and mood tank. It’s what Seth would call taming the Lizard Brain. Charlie Gilkey calls it metacognition. I say “witness consciousness.”
Mindfulness meditation, having your computer beep at you and checking in with yourself, keeping a time/activity log, using the Life Organizer process — develop ways to witness your choices.
Nifty Tip #3. Keep remembering that you get to choose. Your stress level skyrockets when you think you’re boxed into a corner and don’t have a choice. Watch out for words like “I should,” “I have to,” or “That’s what they told me to do.” (Sidenote: Don’t ever take the advice of “Them” or “They” over your own intuition and knowledge. If “They” were so smart about everything, there’d be end to war, hunger, and Jersey Shore.)
Nifty Tip #4. Go on a retreat. When you are too far into burnout, you can’t stop the cycle yourself. You can’t find – and you might not even believe there is — another way. You need someone else to help you feel safe enough to relax, fill up, and maybe even see how you are making your life a bit harder than it needs to be.
Need a really easy way to retreat? (Trust me, you do). My 2nd annual Virtual Retreat comes to you Valentine’s Day weekend with 13 world-groovy teachers. Get the benefits of self-care without getting out of pj’s. Which is as it should be.
Nifty Tip #5. Tell yourself it’s going to be okay. You don’t have to figure it all out today. Relax and take the rest of the day off. Or at least let yourself go pee. I promise the World Wide Web will still be here when you get back.
Bio # 1, written by Jen: Jennifer Louden is a best-selling author of six books, one of which helped Naomi through a really bad time. When Jen’s not swigging tequila, she plots how to help people do what they love without burning out.
Bio # 2, written by Naomi: Jennifer Louden is one of my all time personal heroes. (One of the nice things about having a blog is that sometimes your personal heroes offer you a guest post.) Out of the blue one day, she friended me on Facebook and I called my mother in England at three in the morning to tell her.
Once, when I was living in a homeless shelter, I spent perfectly good cigarette money on one of her books and it was an integral part of me not killing myself. If there was no Jen, there would be no IttyBiz, no Dirty Talk Marketing School, and no delightfully entertaining stories of toplessness disguised as marketing advice. Also, she was on Oprah, which she is probably SO over, but I am SO not. Based on all of this, don’t you think you should at least take a LOOK at her retreat?
“If there was no Jen, there would be no IttyBiz”
The debt of gratitude is acknowledged. Thank you, Jen!
oh Naomi, that was very very wonderful of you to write. i have a big lump in my throat. And thanks for letting me whine on your blog!
Oh goodness. I love this post. Yes, yes, yes. I am right in the middle of stuck and what was an external situation has suddenly internalised and maginifed into one huge gloop of not looking after oneself.
I realise now just how easy this writing on the internet thing can become a crazy way of avoiding looking after yourself. As if all the hunger and unmet need to be heard, or to express yourself, or to do your ‘thing’ and actually make it happen, builds up like an irrepresible volcano and then PING a whole day and night has passed with barely a sip of tea.
I love this space and others. I love the freedom of the internet. But goodness yes. Everything in good time. Everything in good friggin time.
Thanks for this and Naomi – thanks for the most awesome, insightful business sweetie and I love to hear, to make real the fact that you didn’t spring magically into fantasticness and have passed through the hardest of places too.
Thanks for the inspiration.
I’m off for a cup of tea and to turn the PC off. The kitchen looks like 6 people ate there. Slob city.
Ha, this post really hit home. I find myself doing things just because I can, like some little kid whose parents are away.
But the work must be done…
I’m looking over my shoulder a lot now – have you been spying on me?
I decided last night/ early hours of this morning, I’m beginning to reach that burnout phase… sometimes it’s like a treadmill that’s going too fast to jump off but at the same time not a good idea to keep on it.
I’m going to stop work at 5pm toady – please kick me if I’m still here any time after that!
Thanks for that…yesterday I found myself starting up at a help wanted sign at the wine store, thinking to myself, “this would be so. much. easier”.
I’m still waffling…I mean, it’s bound to have decent perks, isn’t it?
Yeah, this hit home, but I don’t know what to do about it anymore.
I’m 23. Only child. My parents and grandparents were dead before I was 20. Had to sell a house and execute two estates almost entirely alone. Wall Street greed and incompetence has ruined my inheritance investments. I quit school at Virginia Tech last year because I wanted to figure out what really matters to me before I blow more money stumbling my way through it.
Every step of the way has been plagued by a constant “What the hell am I doing?” and that continues even as I’m trying to start a business that actually does some good for people.
I wish I could just escape the US and move somewhere quiet and peaceful and affordable. I’m sick of the defaults in my life. Right now I’m just so clueless and down about it all.
This post came just at the right time. Which avoidance technique is mine? Try “all of the above.”
Just when I’ve been getting down on business and seriously thinking about that post office job, this post comes up. Today I’ll work on trusting myself and just getin’ a few things done.
For me, my bible study is rejuventaing, so I’ll make more time for that.
thanks
Wow – seriously, how do you tap into the psyche of so many? I’ve found myself with a numb butt and a glass of wine with countless blog-tabs open more times than I care to admit. Thanksfully, it appears I’m not alone.
Here’s to each step after this – and taking advantage of the wonderful techiniques you and Jen have lovingly shared. Thank you.
Perfect, and just what I needed right now. Thanks.
I’m glad my words, and Naomi’s generous sharing of her space, are helping ease overwhelm today.
Joe, just wanted to say it may be hard to get your business going and thriving when you’re still grieving. Is it possible for you to take off some time or do a less demanding job for six months while you take care of yourself, and mend? May not be possible or appeal but do know that much grief and loss takes a toll. I lost my dad and my marriage and a dear friend in about a year and it’s been 3 and I still feel sucker punched.
Lisa, we all do the shadow comfort stuff. Just human nature. Spiritual traditions have been addressing it for thousands of years. But I wish I could read minds, I would be so rich!
Now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve made the mistake of believing that the money I lost didn’t matter, when it’s actually had a direct consequence of making things more difficult. I suppose I just overestimate how much I can handle at once and underestimate how long it takes to heal up.
Be gentle with yourself!
So true. I see myself in all of it and love tip #4. In fact, I was just on my way out to–What was it?–to fake self-nurture myself by buying a big bag of sunflower seeds to crunch on while I suffer today’s “Project on hold” (i.e., proposal FAIL)and chunk down another one. I need to call some trusted friends instead.
Thanks so much for the post, Jen, and for writing like a dream.
Thanks Janet, that means a lot coming from you (dream writing compliment).
‘If “They” were so smart about everything, there’d be an end to war, hunger, and Jersey Shore.’
I love this. I love it so much I may just write it on my kid’s forehead in sharpie. Or maybe just the cat.
Thanks Amber. That was a good line :)
thanks jennifer – i am going to bookmark this so that the next time i feel like drowning in margaritas i can come back and read it again. now going off to check what else you write about, cuz if naomi says you rock then you must. ;)
Been there, done that and have the t-shirt to prove it. Now I’ve learnt the hard way to take time out, I really can’t do it all on my own and I deserve to look after myself as well.
Funnily enough (said with sarcasm because it’s not funny at all) a really high percentage of my clients don’t look after themselves and I end up having a lot of conversations about taking time out. They don’t believe how much it will help them until they actual do it, and realise that the world didn’t fall apart because they took an afternoon – or longer – for themselves.
Thanks for the post Jen!
Well, thanks for this post, but I already feel overwhelmed.
Why?
I am not a tech person and computers make me feel like throwing up, well, sometimes anyway. But not all the time.
I would rather switch off any time and spend time doing physical activities in the outdoors, but that’s just me.
Maybe I’ll just chuck it and unwind for a change.
We don’t really need to stare at a computer screen, 24/7, to be happy. If anything, it makes you feel blue.
Who needs this virtual reality when you have natural reality? On the other hand, exercising in the outdoors ain’t gonna pay the bills and put food on the table, so…
I wonder: am I the only one who can’t make up his mind?
Something I learned in the past month or so: If it takes more than fifteen minutes for you to figure something out, make a phone call or send an e-mail to ask someone. You can find my e-mail address on my site if you need help figuring something out. If it’s about computers, I probably have an answer for you.
Joe, re: ” I suppose I just overestimate how much I can handle at once and underestimate how long it takes to heal up.” I’ve felt that as well. And that’s a lot of hard in a very short time.
Hehehe, isn’t that normal human nature?
This is just another one of your blogs that hit home for me. I LOVE IttyBiz because it’s smart, sarcastic, way too real, and it totally gets ‘me’.
And by ‘me’ I mean a big portion of the self-employed, biz-obsessed, slightly neurotic people like me who teeter bewteen total bankruptcy and taking over the world… or who spend many days overwhelmed with guilt for either not not doing enough for lients and business or not spending enough quality time with family (sometimes I catch myself ‘uh huh’ing the kids as I think about business even WHEN I’m with them – I’m going to mommy hell for sure). Please never stop writing!
Joe – So true. If I spend more than 10-15 minutes on something I can’t figure out, I kick myself and google it.
This is such a good reminder of how important it is to take time to fill the well. I’m an ittybizer and a mom (talk about the ultimate ittybiz… chief cook and head bottle washer? check! management, production and customer service for clients whose difficulty is often inversely proportional to their size? check, check and check… I could go on, but you get the idea!.
Until a couple of years ago, I couldn’t imagine how I could ever put things on hold for more than 24 hours. Now I go on retreat for a week (7 days!) twice a year. I’m headed out in a few weeks for this, but before that, you’d better believe I’ll be playing along with Jen and the gang at the virtual retreat.
With that fabulous line up and all the great folks I know are already coming… Would. not. miss. it.
Jennifer, I loved writing this for Naomi so my sarcastic side could come out and play!
Melinda, how do you convince your clients to stop and take care of themselves?
Depends. Sometimes it’s forced on them because they burnout and I have to bite my tongue so I don’t say ‘I told you so’ LOL. Often I’ll set it as a challenge for them “find 3-4 hours where you get away and do ‘you’ things. Get a babysitter or leave the kids with hubby. Get out of the house. Meet friends. Whatever. That’s your homework for the week” Often I have to remind them over a couple of weeks “We’ve talked about this before, when are you going to look after yourself?”
It’s not something you can really tell someone about, they have to experience it themselves to see the benefit and necessity of it. Luckily (generally) once they’ve taken time out and felt the benefits they’re better at doing it.
My hubby tends to notice me starting to burn out before I do and he’ll tell me it’s time to take a break.
Damn girl, you must be a mind reader. Just battling a wave of self-doubt this morning. It happens. The important thing is rejuvinate and get your mojo back on track. It’s also nice to know that I’m not the only one who fights this feeling from time to time. Rock on my friends!
That was REALLY lovely, dude. Nice reminders for a Wednesday morning! I hope your retreat goes GORGEOUSLY.
Dang Jennifer, what a treat this was to be introduced to your writing today! Looks like I’ll be adding one most subscription to my ‘must read list’ ;-) …..Great stuff, thank you!
Jen, I never imagined you as a tequila swigger.
Thanks for the awesome advice. Our passion for our ittybizes and our drive to succeed makes it easy for us to overdo things and forget about taking care of ourselves.
In my case, I’d rather stay up all night reading, listening to audio courses, mindmapping… doing anything but sleeping because who wants to waste time?
So thanks for the reminder, Jen!
I don’t really swig that much – but my sweetheart spent / spends a lot of time in Mexico so we have the good stuff!
You remind me of my single days. Tequila = crawling to the bathroom. My friends, that is, not me ;-)
Well, okay, total honesty here: one shot every couple of months. But c’mon, don’t tell anybody. I’m trying for the young and hip look.
Did someone call you and tell you I needed this? I’m starting to think my little corner of the world is bugged, because I swear this was written just for me.
Thanks!
Wow, what a feel-good post! Tip number 3 really rang true to me. When you’re able to truly distance yourself from the minor catastrophes happening, and look at life as a series of choices that will eventually lead to good things, it makes it that much easier to get through the day, especially as an entrepreneur. Great post!
Archan – you are definitely not alone – just said this very thing to my brother this morning…
At least I’m not alone in my wish to bung the laptop in the bin and go dig in the dirt…or go for a very long walk, or paint a bird or write something inspiring.
Why is it we can’t seem to figure out how to make a decent living doing something we actually like? Or is that just fear speak?
Great article Jen – right on the mark…thanks!
Cool article, and ditto to all the other comments. My “real” lover is complaining. I am drinking coffee all day long. I am obsessively browsing the internet and counting click-throughs and signups from my most recent super-affiliate promotion. I need help. Life is not all about the money.
Off to the gym now, halleluja, thanks for interjecting a little sanity here. Are we all like this? Well then I don’t feel so alone.
Wow, this post couldn’t have come at a better time. I have sooo been feeling like this recently. Thanks for the great tips!
I’m not self-employed, but will be one day. It sounds tough… but I know it still has to be better than the boredom of the cubicle.
Hi Naomi,
Just got back from Niche Affiliate Marketing Systems 3 (NAMS3) in Atlanta.
I drove because I hate the hassle of flying, not afraid of it.
The ride down was uneventful barely remember it but it took 26 hrs. should have taken 17.5 hrs. according to Google but a man needs a cat nap here and there.
I was going to test a multi-something device which plugged into the electrical outlet where cigarette lighters use to be but ended that test when the speaker cable going from the ipod to this device crapped out.
It had great reception when it worked back home while also running the GPS so I wouldn’t have to ask for direction even if I really needed to.
Knew the ipod charger didn’t work from the test back home trying other USB cables before leaving.
I already had a thingamajig to plug the Mac into so I went back to the cassette tape player thingy for the ipod.
You know I’m telling you this because of the NAMS3 training and after reading your post.
Got to the hotel went to my room unpacked then went into some serious contemplating.
Should I go down stairs mingle?
Right shoulder.
Skip the shower order supper get some sleep?
Left shoulder.
This went on for quite a while.
After blocking out every bit of light in the room I got under the covers closed my eyes for a solid hour but never slept.
Now it was back to the above.
This was my third event, still not making money but here I was.
People who are making it, know me as are people like me who are not.
I was feeling like a dog who shit all over the furniture but drove down here to GET IT this time.
I finally went down to the lobby and was greeted well by new comers and folks running the event.
Having read the whole book, the PDF version, I gave Dave Perdew the NAMS3 organizer a copy of BEYOND BLOGGING to give away at the event along with other swag.
The meet up went well.
The first day went well also but I have to stop listening to my gut or get stuck in the beginners room which was repetitious at this point.
The second day went well and I actually learned something new.
I had good advise for the newbe’s.
Don’t do what I did, Nothing!
It is a sin to have all of the data throughout the gray matter and not do anything with it.
I went back to the room called my wife as she updated me on my mother who was in the hospital.
As if that was not shock enough when I looked down at my ihome speakers my ipod touch was gone!
Third time here never had this happen.
Fuck the information overload going on downstairs, I was having crisis overload in my room.
Now I’m back home finally saw my mother, she looked like scary crappy for someone I just talked to last week.
My wife spazzed out over the hotel’s insurance company wanting to know if I had a receipt for the ipod.
She gave me the ipod for a 34th anniversary gift.
What do I write about?
I do have all of your houses and lap tops bugged. Or perhaps only my own. Thanks for the lovely kudos. Hope you can all be gentle with yourself today.
I relate a lot to this post. I’ll spend a whole day trying to get somewhere, but really I haven’t done anything that I planned to do.
There are about a zillion distractions online and procrastination is the biggest killer. I get distracted from what I originally set out to acheive.
Some days I’ll do twice as much in half the time.
I think that the bit about holding yourself accountable is a very good idea. Otherwise it’s so easy to get sidelined by something irrelevant, like facebook friends, or twittering, or anything other than what you originally set out to do.
I love the frank style of the writing on Ittybiz, thanks for a great post.
I’m just in the starting phase of my ittybiz and already feel many of these things! The further I am going, the more I feel like it is actually possible, though. I will keep these tidbits in mind so I can stay on track!
Thanks Naomi!
I am still learning the nifty tip #3 -> doing stuff against ingrained sense because someone said so, can lead to a horrible cycle of feeling stupid for listening to the person and having made the wrong decision.
Are you talking about me? How did you me so well? Were you stalking me???
Seriously Naomi, this was such a relief to read, thanks for posting it!!!