The First Thing You Should Know:

The submissions for the IttyBiz Gift Guide end today. Click for details if you’re interested. It would appear that my writing ability is getting better because only two of the submissions were wildly and ridiculously inappropriate. Based on the frankly shocking level of inappropriateness, I choose to assume these people had Google Alerts for “gift guide” and were submitting with their eyes closed and their finger poised over their mouse clicker.

The Thing That’s Kinda Neat:

Thank you for all of your emails asking if I’m spending my days having dirty sex in a pile of American money. No. But not for lack of trying. I’ve been very busy responding to hate mail. (See below.) Since I have to make sure I’m drunk and angry before responding, it’s taking me some time. You can only get redrunk so quickly, you know?

Anyway, I did find time in my busy schedule to buy myself a very pretty purse. You know that thing that you said you’d buy once you “made it”? (Don’t lie. You SO have a thing. Do not try to get all monk-like asceticism on my ass. This is IttyBiz. We know all your secrets.) Anyway, I bought my purse from Ebay.

Morning after, I get one of those confirmation emails from the seller. Among the details, here’s the gem:

“You have selected one of my favorite bags!”

This made me feel very nice. It made me feel like spending three hundred dollars on a purse was not a bad idea. Even this woman who SELLS PURSES FOR A LIVING admired my taste in purses. Clearly, I’m Jackie fucking O.

Now, do you really think it was one of her favorites? Or do you think she’s doing this to hedge against buyer’s remorse? Either way, it’s absolutely genius. Go look at your own business and find a way to emulate this because it is letter perfect. Especially considering the asshat levels of dumbness attained by most Ebay sellers.

The Second Thing You Should Know:

Thank God I don’t have comments because this one’s going to be a doozie.

Since the launch of the product which shall remain nameless, I have got a lot of emails. Some of them were incredibly kind and helpful in their feedback. (Thank you, kind and helpful people!) Others were, uh, not. And what I’m about to say only applies to the Meanie Pants out there.

(If you are wondering whether or not you were a Meanie Pants, you weren’t. True Meanie Pants think they’re totally justified in being Meanie Pants and wouldn’t waste their time wondering if they were Meanie Pants. They say things like, “If you can’t take the heat, get outta the kitchen.”)

I’ll give you the Readers’ Digest version.

- The videos are too small.

- The videos are too large.

- The file that isn’t zipped should be.

- The file that is zipped shouldn’t be.

- The audios should be all on the same page as the videos.

- The videos should come in the same zip file as the audios.

- You hate audio. Can I change it so it’s all video?

- You hate video. Can I change it so it’s all audio?

- You hate PDFs. Why are there transcripts? Are people DEAF or something?

- I should be getting back to my email faster.

- I should be getting the content up faster.

- That free content module I gave away? It should’ve been a different module.

- The sales page is too long.

- There’s not enough information on the sales page.

- The Buy button isn’t big enough.

- The Buy button should be at the top.

- The Buy button shouldn’t be so close to the top.

- There should be more Buy buttons!

- Jesus, what’s with all the fucking Buy buttons?

OK, I know this is going to sound bitchy. That’s probably because it is bitchy.

Do you remember when we learned about not running our mouths off online? (Seriously, go read that one. In it, I use the line, “If you don’t know all the facts, put the laptop down, Tolstoy.” I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there.)

Do you remember when I was a bitch to Dan Schawbel and looked and felt horrible after?

I really don’t want to get all “Don’t you know who I AM?” here, but really. I am in the business of making very popular information products. In those products, I pimp the people I like. Really, really hard. PEOPLE PAY ME TO TELL THEM WHO TO BUY FROM. I do the same thing with my blog and on Twitter.

Is it really in your best interests to have your first communication with me be nasty? Would it not behoove you to give me the benefit of the doubt? Is assuming I’m trying to fuck you REALLY a good idea?

This is not just true for me. It’s true for everybody. We don’t like it when people are mean to us. We don’t like it when people say things about us that aren’t true. We don’t like it when we feel impotent and wrongly accused.

I don’t always remember the people who I was angry at. But I do always remember the people who hurt my feelings. And when you come out with both pistols firing, assuming that I’m totally dishonorable and trying to screw you over, that hurts my feelings.

Just a little lesson in online reputation management.

And, whoever you are and whatever your email, I promise you I will get to it personally as soon as I can. Even if you wrote to tell me how much you hate me.