Why Your Loved Ones Want You To Fail
“Do you really think this is a good idea? I told my husband and he seemed really lukewarm.”
I hate to get all cliché on your ass but if I had a dollar for every time I heard something like this I sure as shit wouldn’t be living in Canada’s Snow Belt when there are perfectly good beaches in Bali I could inhabit.
In the time I’ve been hanging out in the aforementioned Snow Belt doing home business marketing consulting, I have heard one bad idea. (If you’re reading this, it wasn’t yours. I’ll tell you right now that the creator of the idea in question does not read this blog.) Sure, there are lots of bad ideas in the world, but intelligent people reject them before they hit the discuss-it-with-your-loved-ones phase and the lame idea never sees the light of day.
So if there are so many Not Too Bad At All ideas kicking around out there, why are the husbands and wives and mothers and fathers and sisters and best friends trashing them? Why all the hate?
They don’t want you to get hurt.
By far the nicest reason your peeps aren’t rooting for you is because they don’t want to see you hurting. If they shit on your home business idea now and because of that you quit, then Big Mean Strangers can’t shit on your idea later when it’s hanging out for the world to see.
The concept here is that you will avoid pain and suffering. The reality is that you will not because you won’t be being true to yourself and you’ll always wonder “What if?” Wondering “What if?” sucks far more than being shit on by strangers ever will.
They don’t want you to succeed.
On the other hand, we have the people who don’t want you to succeed. This is totally selfish and totally normal. Everybody feels this way sometimes, we just don’t happen to like it when other people feel it about us. They might not want your home business to succeed because they’re pricks or they might not want you to succeed because they’re insecure and afraid or maybe because they tried and failed and don’t want to look like the loser.
In any case, too bad for them. If they’re pricks, cut the bastards out of your life. If they’re insecure and afraid, use some of your newfound riches to buy them some therapy for Bonus Karma Points.
They don’t want you to change.
Along the lines of not digging success we have not digging change. Similar beast, but not quite the same. Imagine this: you’ve been humming along being a stay-at-home mom or dad. You have been ostensibly happy packing peanut-free snacks in the kidlets’ lunches and driving Grandma to Bingo for years.
Now you want to start a custom bowling ball painting company. This will undoubtedly take up a bunch of your time. Your elderly mother and your distracted spouse and your codependent sister are terrified this means that they will not get the you they signed up for.
Most people suck at change. Unfortunately for them, change is both inevitable and necessary for growth. Sucks to be them. There is nothing you can do about this attitude other than hope to God it goes away. You might get them with boatloads of reassurance but frankly, it’s probably a waste of time. You have a business to run.
They don’t want to get involved.
This is probably the easiest problem to fix. A lot of people, when they hear you’re about to embark on something new and possibly big, freak out because they think you’re going to want them to get on the bandwagon. This can be a practical bandwagon — they have no interest in stuffing envelopes with you until three in the morning — or an emotional one — they don’t care if you fail and get disappointed, they just don’t want to be disappointed themselves.
Easy peasy. Don’t involve them. Find other help or sources of support. There are plenty of people out there ready to roll up their sleeves or tell you that you kick ass. Don’t waste your life begging from people who won’t give you what you need.
They don’t want to adjust their life view.
This is probably the most common issue. In my case, people really, really want to think of me as the high school dropout or the pregnant teenager or the ex-Mormon. People I went to school with viewed me as my brother’s sister or my mother’s daughter. Maybe you’ve always been conservative and it’s just too much of a pain in the ass to contemplate you tying yourself to a tree named Luna to save the geckos.
Canadians are famous for this. We have no interest in our own artists, writers, or athletes until they’ve succeeded in the rest of the world. Canadians believe that Canadians suck. Then when they win the Nobel Prize we act like we’ve been their biggest fans all along.
This one’s pretty easy to deal with, too. Do what you’re going to do. Succeed. They will either come around, in which case you’ll feel vindicated, or they won’t, and you’ll be so successful and fulfilled that you won’t care. Yay!
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Ah, this is excellent. How come no one talks about this?
OK, men vs. women question. For the men in the audience this evening, does this stuff even register? Do you notice when the people you’re close to don’t support you? (OK, spouse is hard to miss. But anyone else?) Or do you not really expect anyone to hold your hand, so it’s not really on your radar.
Every woman I know spends 98% of her mental energy worrying about everyone else’s reaction, and this shit is CRIPPLING. But guys seem less prone to it–or maybe they just don’t yak about it as much.
I agree with Sonia - women tend to seek approval. Curious too about men. Asked husband. He says that he does seek approval, but naysayers never caused him to change direction or avoid a new adventure. He thinks that women do tend to try to please, more than men do.
Interesting post, interesting discussion.
This is a great post. I’ve been avoiding telling my family that I have my own business for the same reasons. But I think it’s mostly because I’m afraid of the judgment. I don’t really know why, but it is so much easier to avoid telling them than it is to have them ask me a thousand questions about it. And if I fail, they’ll know it.
As for the Canadian thing, I agree. I’ve been totally immersed in the Canadian writing culture that I’ve forgotten that other people aren’t aware of the talent that has been produced here. I think it’s a shame because there are a lot of talented people out there who are being ignored, and may never make it because the attention comes only after the recognition.
This has been tearing me apart recently. My boyfriend and my friends just don’t seem to be supporting me as much as I’d hoped. The boyfriend (a.k.a Captain Obvious) is always ripping into my ideas about my work, opportunities, hypothetical ponderings, even assignment scenarios! So hard when I’m always reminding myself of the possibility of failure (or success!) and getting anxious over that.
I have the reverse problem. Everyone really wants me to succeed. I know this is the equivalent of the skinny chick bemoaning that she can’t gain weight, but seriously, if I don’t become a multi-millionaire with my business, I know about twenty people who are going to be extremely disappointed in me, and they are not going to be able to hide it.
And I will be BROKE and surrounded by disappointed people.
Extraordinary confidence is overrated. I don’t know where these people get the idea that I know what I’m doing. They seem so SURE. How come I’m not that sure?
Is it too late at night for me to be making this argument?
Yes. Yes it is.
See? I failed at THIS, too. And I’ll bet you Naomi is disappointed in me.
I LOVED this post. There are some reasons in there that I hadn’t thought of–for instance the idea that they don’t want us to get hurt. It’s never occurred to me when someone I love is shooting down one of my ideas that they are attempting to protect me. I’m sure sometimes their motives are less loving than that, but at least I’ll keep that one in mind next time! Keep writing articles like this and I will keep on reading them. ☺
Hmm…all women so far. I’m with Sonia, I’m looking forward to hearing from the guys. We probably worry to much about what others think.
I’m glad to say I have a very supportive boyfriend (it’s my own brain that spews negativity sometimes. AND I’m Canadian…geez). I’m the one kicking HIS ass to go it on his own, which he is on his way to doing. At least we make a good team.
And my mother is 3000 miles away so I only have to hear her negative energy once a week by phone. I tell her very little. ;)
TOO much…that’s ‘too much’.
See? I worry that you’ll think I don’t know the difference between ‘to’ and ‘too’. How pathetic.
Reading this post I think I figured out that until now I have been supportive and happy seeing people succeed only in the cases where they’ve really wanted it…
Still not sure what to think about this symptom of mine I just ‘discovered’…
On men vs women “needing” supportivness. I suspect that it is less an issue of men not needing to feel that people around them *support* what they are doing than it is an issue that men do not need those people’s support to *validate* what they are doing.
Everyone wants and welcomes support, but most men I know do the things they do to establish their place in their own “mental hierarchy”, how they stack up against other men they know. Women on the other hand do what they do to establish membership in a group, as being left out causes great distress.
Just my $0.02…
This is a great post. I’ve had support in my business, but I do have to say I was reluctant to tell those close to me because of some of these very issues. Then poof! it was successful and it seemed ok to let the cat out of the bag.
This is exactly why you TRUST YOUR FUCKING SERVICE PROVIDER when he tells you that something isn’t right for you. No matter what you think. If the pro - the neutral, objective expert - tells you that the look is perfect or that black isn’t your color, LISTEN TO HIM.
Or her.
So why ask?
If I’m confident in my decision, I don’t need to ask anyone. If I do harbor reservations and feel I need more input, I certainly don’t mind negative responses because positive responses don’t really help me.
It’s my mother……….’why don’t you go and get a proper job dear…….’
She just cannot appreciate that I really love sitting here into the wee small hours doing what I do best (for the avoidance of doubt, that’s coming up with ideas and writing about them………..what were you thinking!)
I hadn’t thought about this being a male/female thing but she doesn’t do that to my brothers…….how come?
If this were any more Canadian, you’d be apologizing. :D
Actually, I already know as long as I can stay focused and stick to what I’m supposed to be doing (instead of commenting on blogs maybe) then I cna be pretty darn succesful.
As long as I don’t lose interest. Which is a realistic risk, as I’m a.d.d. on top of that.
So when hubby nay-says my latest idea, I know it’s because he knows I’ll wake up the next day and go , “Nahhh… don’t wanna do that..” I also have way more ideas than actual time to implement them, so he does help me narrow it down to the most workable. :)
He’s good like that, what with the focusing ability.
Great post, Naomi - one that I needed to hear given recent events.
I can’t speak for all guys, but I really only care about what my wife thinks about my endeavors - and that’s mostly because it will inevitably directly or indirectly affect her. As far as families and friends go, I’ve learned not to let the way they feel about what I’m doing affect the way I feel about it - they aren’t living my life, putting their asses on the line, etc. Plus, the never really understand what I do anyways; perhaps it never helps that I’m a philosopher and only about 500 people understand what I’m really doing, anyways.
There is more of a “pioneer/cowboy” ideology that’s inlaid into male socialization such that going our own way is revered. Most (male) hero stories involve males leaving the homeland with THE BIG CHALLENGE, conquering that challenge, and then coming back home (or being unable to return). Most female hero stories have historically involved women staying at home and supporting the family structure and the challenges therein. Of course, these myths translate down to the mundane, so it’s understood, by the stories we tell, how the different genders are to navigate life.
I’ll end now before another few paragraphs flow…
Your timing is impeccable, my dear. I proposed an idea to my husband recently and he was lukewarm at best. I spoke to other people about it and they loved it. Despite the fact that he’s my best friend and a huge influence on my life, I’m gonna have to ignore him on this one. Thank you!
Its a bit freaky what you said. Indeed there are overprotective people who don’t want you in harm and then there are fools. Though i hope there are overprotective people who don’t want you in harm UNLESS they are are on board with you.
[...] Why Your Loved Ones Want You To Fail - IttyBiz [...]
As I just sterted really paying attention and reading your blog, I have to ask, Was that one bad idea….mine?
@ Liz — No. But if you have any bad ideas kicking around, feel free to email me and I’ll trash them for you. But only because I care about you so much. If you want I can put them on the blog and we can have the readers trash them too! We provide full service smack talking here at IttyBiz. :-)
Yea it can go the other way around too.
Where they have too much support, so much faith in you that their useless constructive criticism is:
“yea do it, hot idea”.
And I’m left standing there like “that’s it, WTF am I supposed to do with that?”
At least when my mom is shitting on things I know it’s b/c she’s terrified if I fail I’ll call her weeping about my worthlessness.
Can you hear that groan? See the head slap? Yep, this is what sent my therapist’s kids to school.
I think it is a gender thing. I am a little late to the party here, but I love the discussion.
Guys also compartmentalize better I think, so that it is task, then next task. I have to practice compartmentalizing a lot.
What makes me very good at what I do, open, sensitive, intuitive, etc, can also make me very vulnerable. I respect certain people’s approval, but it is more my approval of myself that counts bigger.
Smart post in two ways:
1) I already knew all that, yea! None of it gets me off track in my biz — On the same page with IttyBiz — yea!!
2) Oh my Gawd! This is what I’m doing to my pro-solo BoyPie when he spouts a brainstorm, works up a new angle, or adds another career to his juggling…! I’M trying to protect him as Devil’s Advocate… I’M trying to maintain some control of our life with unasked-for counsel… I’M trying to be the gold star winner in the house… OH MY GAWD — thankyewthankyewthankyew…
This post will help me practice being my Sweeter smart self and nodding and trusting and smiling and supporting, and reserving criticism or blind faith or doubts or revisions until they’re specifically asked for ~ ! And then we’ll both get a gold star for good behavior. Thanks for the good thunk!
See, this is why I don’t talk to my family.
Guy here, and Canadian, although I left 20+ years ago. Got tired of hearing “That’s a good idea. Come back to us when you’ve tried it a couple of times.”
I must admit I have observed the bias you describe. It’s influenced by cultural forces in addition to gender. I definitely saw it a lot more in Canada than I do here in the US. I have also live in Latin America (Venezuela) and Europe (Spain). It was prevalent there as well, more in Latin American than Spain. My experiences in four countries on three continents suggest the more paternal the culture the more likely you will hear the nay sayers, related or otherwise.
On the guy front, I can only speak for myself. I have a strong tendency toward taking action on an idea and allowing experience to be my guide for correction. This has occasionally, more frequently if you were to ask my wife, gotten me into trouble but it has also allowed me to develop many interesting ideas that haven’t been done before. I welcome input and dialog. It can be very stimulating. But at the end of the day I make a decision and move on it.
My personal key to success, have no fear.
Awesome! I’ll be sure to do that. Like the way I spelled STARTED, sterted?
xx.
L
Naomi,
I had never thought of it as a gender thing, and since I’m not Canadian, I hadn’t thought of it that way, either. It happens a lot, though—people wanting you to scale back, change less, or even fail because then they don’t lose sight of you. Nobody wants to be left in the dust by their kid/friend/spouse.
Your point about the nice reason—that they don’t want to see you hurt—is good, but from what I see it’s a lot less common than the various selfish reasons. Humans are selfish beings!
I wrote a post on this a while back. Warning: Some Friends Don’t Want You to Be Like Steve Jobs. Be informed, and like Tony said, be confident in your decisions.
And absolutely, succeed! Living well is the best revenge.
A really thought-provoking post. Thanks!
Regards,
Kelly
I heard it called “leveling” in some magazine article a friend sent me. Not the kind that means straight , honest or direct. The kind that means the leveler wants you not to be any different, leave them behind, upset the status quo.
Quirky , this human nature thing. I like people who bring out the best in us, the ones with no hidden agenda.
Interesting what James said about the Patriarchal countries. Maybe it’s hardwired, some genetic pack thing, where survival is dependent on the alpha remaining that way…I see Rams butting heads…not good… rambling again. .Thought provoking post. Thanks.
Really fantastic post, once again! (And you TOtally hit the nail on the head with the Canuck thing.) But I think the worst thing is not getting any reaction at all. People are so used to me getting excited about some revolutionary idea that when I decided to quit my job and become a freelance editor and writer five years ago, they had no reaction at all. You’re taking off for a year to France? Cool. You’re leaving your Catholic upbringing to become Mormon? Huh. You’re leaving the Mormon faith and never going to church again, ever? Gee. You’re quitting your full-time job to start a freelance business with no plan and no cash reserve? [...]
They really don’t give a shit, I think, and I find that infinitely harder than them saying, Ha! Good luck with that, or Oh my god, you’re going to so rock at this, it’s GREAT!!! I’m the kind of person who feeds off people’s reactions, so often I find myself provoking; even an argument is better than apathy. What ends up happening is the constant need to outdo myself to elicit some type of praise, and that’s often in the form of editing something I really don’t care about. Sad, really.
Phew. Er — sorry for the issue vomit.
@ Steph — I love issue vomit. It’s 90% of the reason I blog.
I agree, apathy is horrendous. I somehow spark apathy even when I succeed. This business is fairly effortlessly supporting an entire household and all I get from certain people is “That’s nice, dear. You know, it’s not too late to go to university. You could take classes part time.”
My husband gets, “Make sure to give Naomi lots of pampering. It’s hard to watch the kids and homeschool and cook and clean and then run her little business at night. Oh, and have you thought about going back for your MBA?”
I don’t remember the last time I cooked or cleaned anything but it wasn’t recently, let me tell you. I want to scream at them, “Fucking CARE, dammit!!!” But they don’t.
All those reasons are true, but another reason is that if you go for your dream they have one less excuse for not pursuing theirs. A lot of people are just more comfortable with mediocrity.
Wow, did you hit the nail on the head. Great post..even with my site… there is very little support from my family. I have to bring it up..or its ignored. On I go alone..and its alright…because it was my dream..
Thanks for the reality check..
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
grammology.com
My parents wanted me to succeed. They wanted to see some visible proof that all they had suffered, all they had worked for in menial jobs and all the crap they had to put up with had some tangible result. Not only were we expected to go to college, but the best colleges we could afford and get the best education we could.
Dad’s career as a lawyer was permanently derailed by Executive Order 9066, as was mom’s. Mom managed to make it out of the camps with a degree in nursing, but Dad couldn’t take the bar exam, because he wasn’t a US citizen, never mind his 3 Purple Hearts and 2 Silver Stars. I’m sure he was privately bitter, because some of the students he personally tutored became senior law partners and federal judges in just a few years after the war. He went about making a career as an electronics retailer and never complained about how the war and its consequences destroyed his career hopes and dreams.
He and Mom pushed us to excel, to be the best we could. We didn’t get to whine about how hard it was, because they had it infinitely harder.
I definitely talk to everyone I can about my new ideas, because it never surprises me how often someone will mention something I didn’t think of. Having said that though I have a few people on the list that tend to hear about my ideas after they’ve already happened. I think that it’s mostly because they want me to succeed but they have their own definitions of success, and they don’t understand mine. I get hang out at home with my son, pay with him whenever I want, and help my wife with her business. But I still get “Don’t worry, you’ll figure out what you want to do someday.” They don’t seem to understand that I’ve already figured out what I want, and this is it.
To the group: how do you get people to understand that you ARE living the life you want, and get them to stop worrying?
@Nikki- Naomi and I had this same problem. She would describe an idea to me, and I would start picking it apart. I did this out of an honest desire to understand how this idea would work, but I didn’t realize how much t sounded like I was naysaying her ideas. Now, I make sure I say at least one poisitive thing before I start asking questions, and she has come to understand that just because I question doesn’t mean I think its a bad idea.
Jamie,
That’s a good idea.
I have learned over the years to be careful who I share my ideas with. Some people I want the feedback, they stoke my creativity, stretch my ideas, help me to see pitfalls. I don’t need just cheerleaders, although some cheerleaders are good, I need truth.
But I don’t….do NOT, need moldy, wet blanket, eyore type people.
They do’t find out what I’m up to til I’m all done.
I have to say my loved ones don’t want me to fail. They wouldn’t, though, maybe seeing some more success a little faster. But the support is there.
Oh, and tag. More info: http://tuleydocs.com/2008/05/09/sixteen-random-facts-about-me/
(sorry. Just nowhere else to post this!)
@jamie having spent most of my career working with advertising creative staff you quickly learn that an initial focus on the positive gets you a lot further.
I also watch for “yeahbuts” in meetings. So easy to identify issues but, in reality, these are usually the things easiest to fix. Having an idea, even a flawed idea, is rare. Ideas should be nurtured so they can become something special. Do this and magic happens.
This should be required reading for all entrepreneurs. Although some family and friends seem supportive, most seem to fall into one of the categories you’ve described.
I’ve been operating in a different world from my family all of my life, so I seldom pass any ideas before them for review. My adult kids are mostly supportive, but sometimes fall in the “don’t want me to be hurt” and “don’t want to be involved” groups.
Since my family and friends aren’t too involved in cyberspace they don’t read my blogs or visit my websites. That means I can have great fun making reference to incidents involving them to support my points without any fear of repercussions. Tee hee!
Can I just chime in late to point everyone to what a sensible solution Michael Martine has?
That’s why he makes the big bucks, ladies and gentlemen.
This is kind of late, took a week break from the feeds. You know, this post makes me feel a whole lot better. Hubby and I have spent years trying to figure out why the lack of support and have tried several times to figure out which group they fit in. I mean, very often it just feels like the two of us against everyone. I think hardly anyone understands what we do for a living or want to.
I can’t really speak for hubby, but I know it’s been as hard for him as it is for me. A few specific incidents have been pretty rough to deal with.
Anyway, the good thing about it is that when we are successful, we’ll know we did it all by ourselves and then I can go “neener neener”, lol.
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As my wife -the other Naomi- has said, we seem to be experts on this subject. We have talked about this so many times!
I’m very glad that you are talking about it because when it hits you you keep thinking what’s wrong with yourself until one day you realize it’s not about yourself. So, you can’t change people, but you can certainly change how the things that people does affects you. Through a lot of struggle, though.
At the end of the day, I don’t think it really depends on whatever you do or not, when people is like that you can’t win. It doesn’t matter how much you suceed in you personal life or in your career or anything else. You just can’t win to please them because they don’t want to share that part of your life, no matter how important is it for you. On the other hand, it gives you freedom not to worry anymore because you just can’t win to please them.
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