So Jamie and I have taken it upon ourselves to host a dinner party. This is not something we would normally be inclined to do, but we’re in extenuating circumstances.

One, there’s a birthday, and that causes people to do crazy things like have parties.

Two, every month we write a cheque for the equivalent of a years’ worth of Canadian college tuition and then we call it our rent. This allows us to be comfortably certain that we will be impoverished in our golden years, but it also affords us a fairly sexy house. And as everybody knows, you don’t get a nice house for yourself. You get a nice house to make your neighbours jealous.

Anyway, the party. We decided to have one. But we left most of our clothes in Canada and the clothes here are way better anyway, so we had to buy party clothes. We work from home and neither of us owns anything that could be accurately described as even business casual, let alone Christmas season party wear.

So we’re in Marks and Spencer and we’re buying shoes for Jamie. There are a lot of options because the English take their shoes pretty fucking seriously. (They can do that because they don’t have snow. Except, um, today. When it snowed. For what it’s worth, I want my money back.)

Anyway, I don’t know about men’s shoes and Jamie sort of knows but doesn’t care. Therefore, we have to trust what the tags are telling us and make our decisions based on that. Which leads us, after much ado, to our Monday marketing lecture.

Doing Features Vs. Benefits Right

What follows is taken from the tag on Jamie’s new shoes. Emphasis is theirs, not mine.

Features & Benefits

* Light flexible sole for All day Comfort

This is the single best execution of features/benefits description that I have ever seen. Here’s why:

Most people only use features, which is stupid.

As we discussed the first time we talked about the difference between features and benefits, when you just give features (”Now With Fresh Feet Antibacterial!”, for example) you’ll get one of two subconscious reactions:

- “What the fuck is Fresh Feet Antibacterial?”

- “Why should I care?”

Neither of these are what you want.

Some people give only benefits, which is half stupid.

Benefits without features to back them up are unverified and have the tendency to look like bullshit marketing claims. (”All Day Comfort” begs to be argued with. I mean, it’s not like they’re going to say “Comfortable for at least half an hour, maybe even forty minutes!”)

So if you use only benefits, you run the risk of your customers not believing you. Not exactly ideal.

What you want is BENEFITS VERIFIED BY FEATURES.

Tell them why they care, yes. But prove it so it doesn’t look like you’re talking out of your ass. “You’ll lose 37 pounds by Monday” is a good benefit, but it’s fairly likely people won’t believe you. “You’ll lose 37 pounds by Monday because of our patented Cut Your Right Leg Off* Technology” is a surefire hit.

*Cut Your Right Leg Off is a registered trademark of IttyBiz Inc. OK, maybe it’s not.

By Naomi Dunford - Jan 5, 2009 in Small Business Marketing

Question: What three words let you double your prices?

Answer: It doesn’t matter, as long as they’re adjectives.

Recently, some total genius — um, me — decided that it would be a good idea to go into London to do some Christmas shopping. (Note: Never do this.) We got to Euston Station and decided we’d try to grab something to eat before facing the throngs of vicious Londoners itching for a deal.

In Euston Station, there is a slightly nicer looking version of what we in North America would call a food court. Burger King, fish and chips, sandwiches, paninis, that sort of thing. (UK residents, can you please explain this country’s obsession with paninis? I mean, seriously. I like paninis as much as the next girl but this is over the top.)

We decide to get sandwiches. We both get pork. As we are starving, we pay no attention to the price because it will be too depressing to contemplate anyway.

As we’re eating, though, I realize I’m in full view of the menu for that particular establishment. I notice two things. One, the prices are exorbitant, but that’s hardly unusual in this country. Two is the alarming profusion of adjectives.

I only had a little scrap of paper with me so I wrote down the two shortest examples:

Wiltshire Ham and Taw Valley Cheddar Cheese, £3.85

Free Range Egg and Country Tomato, £2.75

WILTSHIRE ham. TAW VALLEY cheddar cheese. FREE RANGE egg. COUNTRY tomato.

“Hmm. I was thinking of getting the sandwich, but what kind of ham is it? Oh, Wiltshire ham. And the cheese? What kind of cheese is it? Oh, Taw Valley? Well, in that case, I’ll take two.”

What it all works out to is spending eight bucks for a ham and cheese sandwich and an additional six if you want, you know, a warm Coke and some chips.

So all you need to do is shove in some adjectives and you’re laughing your way to the bank, yeah?

Well, no. Not quite. As much easier as my life would be if all I had to do was tell my clients to add a few adjectives, that’s not quite the case. In fact, most adjectives that people use in their copy are totally ridiculous and hurt your cause more than help it.

Professional web design, for example. Unlike your competition who are all still, what? In high school? Millwrights by day?

Service oriented is another great one. As is committed. (”Committed” is especially bad when associated with a meaningless noun. “Committed to quality” and “committed to excellence”, for example. This obviously differentiates you from your competition because on THEIR websites, they say they try not to commit at all, but if they have to, they only commit to mediocrity?)

So what kind of adjectives should you use so that you too can charge eight bucks for a lukewarm baguette?

Two things:

Your adjectives need to be objective. A Wiltshire ham is a Wiltshire ham, no two ways about it. A tasty ham, on the other hand, is debatable.

Your adjectives need to differentiate. The objective here is to show how you’re different from your competition. Free range eggs are different. White and yellow eggs are not.

Bonus for the slow learners: Your adjectives cannot be cliches or words so time-worn that they’ve lost all meaning.

So what have we learned today?

Use adjectives and eat before you leave home.

By Naomi Dunford - Jan 2, 2009 in Small Business Marketing

Well now. This HAS been exciting.

First of all, I moved to England. Hurray! If you’re ever looking for something really fun to do, I recommend crossing the Atlantic with a 2-year-old. I also recommend you try to co-ordinate it so that said 2-year-old does not sleep for a second during the entire overnight flight. And if you can swing it so that they close the airport you’re supposed to land at and you have to hang around for 3 hours in a locked airplane at Heathrow instead, well, so much the better.

The good news is, I now live in an idyllic little town called Cheddington which has all of 1103 people. (When you think of a pastoral English town, this is what you’re thinking, folks. Remember The Holiday? I think I live in Kate Winslet’s house. Except is warmer, which is a plus.)

The bad news is, I live four houses down from the 15th century pub. Now, I don’t know about you, but I simply cannot be expected to walk AN ENTIRE FOUR HOUSES just to get a fucking glass of mulled wine. I thought of writing to the mayor to complain and then I realized we didn’t have one.

Let’s move on, shall we?

I wrote another book. Well, Dave and I did. But then I wrote this post and Dave’s like, dude, it hasn’t even launched yet. And I didn’t want to change the post. So anyway, we did this thing and it hasn’t officially launched yet so all the requisite bonuses and BUY RIGHT FUCKING NOW isn’t there yet because Dave’s busy making a total fortune on other people’s launches. Isn’t that nice?

I provided the wit, he provided the, um, substance. In future I will do all of my projects this way. Please also note the title, How To Launch The **** Out Of Your Ebook. Pretty damned cool if you ask me, which nobody did. We’ve had a bunch of buyers who got the chance to buy when they bought Online Business School, but now it’s (sort of) open to the public. YAY!

Seriously, go check it out. It’s killer.

Next up, your donations. Holy shit, dudes. We raised THOUSANDS of dollars for the woman leaving her lout of a husband. Like, a lot of thousands. There are two donations I want to mention in particular.

One, from a woman whose partner was just laid off. The partner was laid off, the woman was given the option of taking a 20% pay cut or getting laid off herself, and they just found out that their charming bank was about to foreclose on their home.

How did I find this out, you ask? Because she donated a THOUSAND DOLLARS and I wrote to her to make sure it wasn’t a typo. Get out your hankies, darlings.

“Right after all this happened and when we were in the depths of despair, we stumbled upon a speech being given by someone in which the phrase “nothing leaves heaven until something leaves earth” was uttered, and it penetrated us. The amount of $1,000 was mentioned - and we looked at each other and said, “Universe, we are open to demonstrating infinite supply in the next 30 days - when the right thing comes along to release $1,000 to that in no way benefits us directly, we will know what it is.”

Over the past couple of weeks, we have been presented with some opportunities that did not click for us. We said, “No, that’s not it yet.”

Last night I read your post out loud to [name removed] and we looked at each other with tears in our eyes and no small amount of terror, and said, “This one is it.” We held hands as I clicked the button to finalize the transaction. We know that ultimately, $1,000 won’t save our condo, but it could make the difference that saves two lives - and we’re both resourceful individuals in a loving relationship and we’ll always be fine - whatever that looks like.

So there. We did it, with open hearts and trembling hands last night. And this morning, we woke up feeling just fine.”

And they ask me why I blog. Jesus.

The other donations I want to draw your attention to are from the literally hundreds of people who donated one, two, three, five, seven, ten dollars. The people who sent emails saying they hoped it was enough because it was all they had. The people who said that if she needed more money, they’d see if they could borrow some so they could donate more.

You know when your mother said every little bit helps? That woman is not going to end up dead on her bathroom floor because of each and every one of your little bits and you should be really fucking proud of yourselves. I could not have dreamed up better readers than the ones I have.

Lastly, so I don’t leave you all in a crying jag, completely unable to face wrapping presents, let’s have a little chat about Josh Hohmann. We talked about him before in the Partners Rule, Mentors Drool post. He’s been a busy little beaver and I thought I’d give you a heads-up.

Twelve days from now the online business world is going to explode with not-so-subtle suggestion that if you don’t buy this product or that product, your business will fail and you will die hungry and alone. (Don’t worry, I’ll probably do this too.) But Josh, on the other hand, decided to give something away for — wait for it — FREE! Who knew? It’s called the Internet Marketing Report Card and you have to sign up for his (quiet and totally not pushy) newsletter to get it.

He’s taken a look at the stuff on offer out there and has reviewed it unbiasedly. It’s cool. I like it a lot. And I’m pretty sure he’s going to be updating it as new stuff comes out. He spends his money so you don’t have to and all that.

Anyway, go check out the Internet Marketing Report Card. (Yes, he says nice things about SEO School but y’all already have it so that’s not the reason I’m sending you there.

OK. That’s it. Now go email Charlie Gilkey and tell him to get that guest post done so you’ll have something to read around here. (I’m kidding. Don’t email him. He’s a very busy man. But you could go check out his sexy ass new header. Just sayin’.)

By Naomi Dunford - Dec 21, 2008 in Small Business Marketing - 16 Comments

Every person who was abused as a child has a choice to make. They can beat their own kids, or they can spend the rest of their life doing everything they can to make sure it doesn’t happen to other kids.

I choose the latter, and sometimes it’s a hard choice to make. I’m a Pisces which means I have the tendency to burst into tears when I watch the evening news, and hearing about suffering makes me want to curl up into a ball and listen to Enya and pretend like it’s not happening.

But when someone is in trouble or danger, the Enya option isn’t an option.

Children are forced to watch Daddy beat Mummy and we can’t ignore it.

One of your fellow IttyBiz owners is being stalked by her very violent ex-husband. Business isn’t exactly great — she’s got other stuff on her mind — and she needs to get out of there, pronto.

She wanted to have a sale to drum up a bunch of money so she could move across the country and get away from this fucker, but I’m going to and veto that. She doesn’t have the audience and a sale will result in a whole lot of screwing around that she doesn’t have time for with very little extra money at the end.

So I’m taking shit into my own hands and asking for donations on her behalf.

I’d love to put a picture up with a nice, heartbreaking shot of her son but that would be a.) cheesy as shit and b.) a security risk. I’d like to create a killer call to action and make a big fuss, but I’m getting in the car for a nine hour drive in fifteen minutes. So this is what you get.

I have a feeling that if this woman gets out of this alive, she will turn this situation into something very good. But what concerns me most is the son. He’s not little anymore, and as a teenager, he needs to see that there is good in this world and that compassion, generosity and kindness change lives just as much as violence, abuse and injustice.

Please help. Even five bucks. If there was ever a time when every little bit counted, this would be it.

(If you are reading this via a feed reader and the button doesn’t come through — I didn’t have time to test it — please click through to IttyBiz and the button will be there.)

By Naomi Dunford - Dec 4, 2008 in Charity - 80 Comments

DISCLAIMER: I don’t make one thin dime if you hire any of the people I recommend in this post.

”Dear Naomi,

I know about guest posting and comment strategies and social media, but everybody’s talking about those. How do I REALLY get traffic? How do YOU do it?”

I get this email a lot. Like, a lot. And I thought I’d take the time to answer it, and the dozens that are kinda sorta like it.

A good portion of the people who come to me for brainstorming or marketing consulting are people that are brand new to owning a business. They are still in the reconnaissance stages and figuring out what their plan of attack should be.

To these people, I thank you for sending me your money, but in future, you might be better off if you didn’t.

Nothing I come up with — and nothing any other marketing coach comes up with — is going to be any different from what you can figure out for yourself. We are not revolutionaries. We’re just creative.

When you’re first starting out, you don’t need creative. You need to get off your ass.

Unless you have a decent amount of start-up capital — and in “start-up capital” I include your own salary, as well as being able to pay service professionals and still have a marketing budget at the end — what you need is elbow grease. And I can’t give you that. No marketing coach can.

Here’s the biggest problem I see. People want to someone to give them a magic solution to increase conversions and get customers to throw their panties onto the stage. And that IS possible. But it’s not possible until you have some infrastructure in place.

And how do you get that infrastructure in place? Cue big ass red text…

If you have a business, and there’s only one of you, and you struggle with getting shit done, you don’t need a business coach. You need a life coach.

You need someone to help you do what you already know you should be doing. And marketing coaches are way too expensive to be retained for that purpose.

There are a lot of life coaches out there, and they all have their strengths and weaknesses. I think I know every life coach north of Mexico and I could recommend all of them for various purposes. But you might want one who can specialize in getting you to analyze exactly what it is you’re trying to do, and WHY YOU’RE TRYING TO DO IT. Because the answer isn’t always what you’d think.

If you want someone to help you launch a product, talk to Dave (he launches mine). If you want someone to help you get your Big Thing organized, talk to Charlie (he organizes mine). And if you want someone to help you get off your ass and do all the shit YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU SHOULD BE DOING, talk to Tim.

(I also have it on good authority that people who sign up with Tim this month can have four sessions for the stupidly low price of $249. As in, four hours with Tim for a dollar less than an hour with me.)

Just less than a month from now, the universe is going to conspire to convince you to part with large sums of your money so that you can make your New Years’ resolutions have a hope in hell of actually happening. Try not to succumb, because very savvy marketers like myself have been retained to convince you that your Visa cards are better off in our hands than in your own.

So yeah. If you think you’d like to hire me one day but you don’t really know if it’s the best use of your money, go talk to Tim. He’ll talk to you for free to see if y’all get along. Then send him $249, make a shitload of progress, get making some money and THEN think about if you should hire me.

And even if you have no intentions of ever hiring anybody, you should really watch this video. Killer.

Oh. And just so you know? The magic secret to getting traffic? Blog commenting, guest posting, and social media. AdWords and well-written banner ads if you can afford it. Wasn’t that easy? I just saved you $250.

By Naomi Dunford - Dec 3, 2008 in Ask IttyBiz

So, that thing that happens at the end of December is coming. You know what I’m talking about. It’s the thing that every year makes me threaten to convert to Judaism and every year, Jamie reminds me that the Jews don’t have it any better than we do.

Do Buddhists have the fat dude in the red suit?

Anyway, since you have to shop anyway, you may as well shop from a fellow IttyBiz, yeah? Here’s some awesome stuff to get you started. (For those of you into conspiracy theories, none of these are affiliate links. I’m just doing this because I’m cool.)

IttyBiz Featured Picks: People I Adore

One of my favorite people in the world is Michelle from Little Shop of Beauty. Michelle makes hand-made bath and body stuff. Like, really handmade. As in, with her hands.

(If you’re a guy, stop reading this and just buy a gift certificate. I can’t think of a woman I’ve ever known who wouldn’t DIE to pick her own stuff from here.) If you’re a woman, you’ll appreciate that there are more than 500 scents available in the Custom Beauty Bar, as well as a lot of pre-fab stuff if you’re not down with choosing.

A couple examples, you ask?

Almond Cheesecake Tart: A scrumptious fragrance that begins with top notes of sweet cheesecake, graham crackers with middle notes of tart almonds and lemons that ends with notes of vanilla and cake bake.

Spicy Little Number: This luscious blend of smooth cinnamon sugar dough, cream cheese frosting and brown sugar buttercream will have you feeling playfully coquettish all day (and night) long!

Winter Hug: Sweet, buttery apples, topped with cinnamon, nutmeg and sugar. So warm and comforting!

And there are over 500 more. I can’t make this stuff up, people. Once you try handmade cosmetics that are made fresh to order, you will never, ever buy any shit from a drugstore again. (She’s Canadian but ships worldwide.)

Now that I’m done eating my body butter, let’s move on, shall we?

Vivian from Blend Creations rocks my world. She and her husband work from home and have a 2-year-old boy named Jack. And they’re in Canada. Basically, they’re us but better looking. They make stainless steel jewelry. Really, really awesome jewelry. I bought this one for my mom and she just about lost her shit when I gave it to her. They also do stuff for cool boys.

Also interesting is their Metal For Monsters collection where they teamed up with a bunch o’ artists to create some supercool stuff with a chunk of proceeds going to UNICEF.

Got dogs? Got people with dogs? You need one of these. These cool dog collars are so goddamn awesome I have considered buying a dog just so I can get one of these for every day of the week. They have just generally cool collars, but then they have custom ones, “the Manolo Blahnik of dog collars”. Seriously. I promise you, anybody will sleep with you if you buy their dog one of these collars.

(Also cool to note is that Alisha employs a handful of local textile artists who were booted out of work when the economy went to hell. Like, single moms and stuff. I have so much respect for this woman it’s ridiculous.)

For babies, little girls, pregnant people and women you just happen to like, we have Baby Pash. Cashmere baby blankets, and other cashmere and silk blankies and wraps for pretty much whoever wants them. For babies that will not accept Walmart.

I have five of these. Like, actually five. I don’t think I can endorse them any more highly than that. Oh, wait. Yes, I can. I’m giving my mom one of the grown-up ones for Christmas.

Jennifer Louden is my favorite author ever. When I was knocked up and in a shelter and generally poor and disenfranchised, I checked one of her books out of the library, thinking it would be an escapist piece of fluff. You know, kind of like reading decorating magazines. But instead of promoting a bunch of feel-good stuff that I could never afford, I actually FELT BETTER. Imagine that. Anyway, flash forward a few years and turns out, she’s friends with the Havinator and SHAZZAM! She friends me on Facebook and I wet myself for four days straight.

Yeah, she was on Oprah. And yeah, we’re totally Facebook friends. So there. Whatever. Buy her books for someone you like. But not for someone you don’t like because they don’t deserve them. In times like these, your loved ones really can’t afford not to have a big fat dose of Jen.

And Amy. Amy is quietly breathtaking in her accomplishments. She lives in Michigan and homeschools two sets of twin boys. These factors alone should qualify her for sainthood. But she’s also running an IttyBiz and I’ve watched her do it from the ground up and I am so fucking proud of her it makes me want to cry. She makes puppet theaters and we’re going to get one for Jack when he figures out that puppets aren’t mittens.

Get one for the budding artist in your life. At this price you would be insane not to.

Other Nifty Looking Stuff

OK, you know when you’re reading some socially responsible magazine, and they tell you about some new initiative that helps women in business in developing countries or locally sustainable stuff or whatever? (Usually bracelets or baskets.) And then you check out their stuff and it’s either a.) ugly as shit or b.) so expensive that it makes you wheeze? Yeah, Boutiko ain’t that. Gorgeous stuff and prices that are low enough that you won’t die, but high enough that the people making them are making a decent wage. Isn’t that nice?

The seriously cool thing is that they have a little legend for their products that shows if they’re recycled or local or organic or whatever.

AWESOME. I want the bags. And the aprons. And everything else. It’s entirely possible that I’m moving to England for the shopping.

In other pet stuff, we have portraits. And holy pet portraits, Batman! For pet-lovers or for the pets themselves, these babies will rock your furry little socks. Since we’ve got so many to choose from, check out the portfolios to see whose stuff you like the best.

Jandi Small seems to specialize in making your pet look likeable but real. For example, if she were to paint my cats there might be an outside chance someone might want to adopt them. Check these out.

Susan Donley breaks out of traditional puppy and kitten mode by doing other pet paintings as well. Like, even parrots! And let’s face it — nobody takes on a parrot for 100 years without liking the thing, you know what I’m saying?

Also doing pet portraits is Pups in Pastel, which specializes in — wait for it! — dogs. Pastel ones. This woman knows how to kick Unique Sales Proposition ass. Killer.

OK, these guys make cool baby clothes. (And other peoples’ clothes, but we’re talking about babies right now.) Clothes for baby Democrats. Now, their O Baaa Ma onesies are pretty awesome, but here’s the really cool part. During the lead up to the election, they ran a “Buy One Swing One” campaign. For every O Baaa Ma onesie you bought, they would send one free to the person of your choice, as long as they lived in a swing state. The creativity of this act blows my fucking mind.

Durtbagz makes bagz. We got a bunch of shirts from them as delightful swag when they changed their designs and it was fun and good. These are for young people and cool people and, well, just go to the site. You’re either the type of person who thinks this is hilarious, or you’re not.

I love Julie at SpecialtyCards4U. She does, I don’t know, cards and stuff. But it’s more than just cards. It’s cards and tags and wine stuff and just about everything people who geek out on paper would love. Like, say, me. If you know paper people, they’ll eat this up.

Somebody who lives in this house but forgets that he is usually still sleeping when the mail comes bought me this as a surprise for Christmas. But, um, I opened it. (Sorry.) But it’s gorgeous, as is all the other stuff from PoppyFish. I also like the Love Lines — jewelry for people who aren’t really jewelry people, you know? So if you have a man in your life and want to get him something special but not loaded with awkwardness, this is a lifesaver. (No, not for you, Jamie. I got you a fucking computer. Cross your fingers for Valentine’s Day, greedy guts.)

MyNameLabel makes labels. Which sounds boring, until you have people who need labels. Then it’s not so boring anymore. These lovely dudes make labels that don’t suck for people who need their stuff, uh, labelled. As in, people who are too young to know their stuff is their stuff. (Like my son.) Or people too OLD to know their stuff is their stuff. (Like my mother.)

Tangerine Meg makes art cards. Like, the cards you buy for people you like instead of the people you just sorta have to buy cards for. Or for people you don’t want to buy for, but you know you’ll look superior if you get them something awesome. (Not-So-Secret Santa, for example. Or that relative that always buys shitty presents and you want to look smug.) “Saving the world from insipid illustrations and generic greetings, one art card at a time.” What more do you want?

Summer Rose Scrapbooks makes personalized family illustrations. You, your spouse, your cute kid and your ugly dog, doodled for all eternity. They’re pretty freaking cool, actually. Would make a great gift from a kid or to some grandparent type who has everything under the damn sun.

OK, so if you’re a woman you’ll understand what I’m talking about here. You know how you exfoliate in the shower and it’s awesome? And then you’re telling the love of your life how awesome it is and they just don’t get it? And you know they’re not GOING to get it as long as the only exfoliation option is flowery or caramel-y or whatever? And you’d really, really like them to be a little, uh, smoother? Here’s your answer. I don’t totally get it, but if it’s a quarter as cool as I think it is, it’s going to be AWESOME.

Michael from Box of Crayons is THE SHIT, and he came along at just the right time in my life. When I was ready to sell this business to the first person I ran across with a free five grand on their Visa, I got the Eight Irresistible Principles of Fun in my mailbox and pretty seriously changed my mind. Go poke around — there’s no one thing I can recommend above anything else, but the little postcards are pretty freaking cool to start with.

Bauble Bath makes baubles. For your bath. Get it? Bath fizzies and lip balm and bubbly stuff and all manner of girlie delightfulness. Lots of stuff at different price points, too, which I always like.

While we’re talking about girlie stuff, let’s talk about make-up. Purely Cosmetics make make-up without all the crap that comes in regular make-up. If you’re buying it as a gift, just buy a gift certificate, though. She’ll want to pick her own because the options are ENDLESS. Mmm. Make-up.

GlueAndGlitter doesn’t recycle — they upcycle. The stuff they make is better than it was to begin with. I checked this out when they first submitted to the gift guide but the shop is closed for orders till December 6th so I don’t remember too many details. I do remember that they made brown bagging your lunch seem like a good idea with these block-rockingly gorgeous lunch kits for grown ups.

And speaking of upcycling, Funky Body Décor makes jewelry that you’ll actually wear. OK, not everybody will wear it. But I sure as hell would. In her email to Jamie, Nona said this about her stuff:

”I sell hand-crafted art-jewelry that I make from everyday objects and sparkly stuff. It’s cool because every piece I make is absolutely unique, because I recycle/upcycle stuff that would otherwise be landfill, and because I can even do beige for Naomi’s mom ;-) I don’t do precious metals or stones ’cause people leave the “good” stuff at home and I want them to wear mine! And my stuff is so much Fun to wear!”

Not your grandma’s jewelry, people.

While we’re talking about Grandma, How To Cook Like Your Grandmother sounds delicious — literally. “Cooking used to be all about making food that tasted good. But somewhere along the way, we seem to have decided the diet-of-the-week was more important. “How to Cook Like Your Grandmother” is a return to recipes and techniques that are based on what tastes good, not on junk science and fad diets. You won’t find the words lite, low, lean, free or skim anywhere. This is all real food, cooked the way Grandma would have done it.”

Dig art? Know people who are totally impossible to buy for? (In-laws, I’m talkin’ ‘bout YOU.) These guys take your pics and turn them into digital photos on canvas. (Quick note to my mother-in-law: Jane, if you’re reading this, please forget you ever saw this and act surprised on Christmas. Thanks.)

I also love the story for these guys. Dude makes one for his wife, all the neighbors dig it, he decides to make a business out of it. This is the ultimate IttyBiz, people.

In other artsy news, check out this craziness. Part digital, part painting, all adorable. If you are male and not ready to have children, do not let your significant other see the picture with the baby behind the plant. Seriously. This is the stuff that makes normal, intelligent women flush their birth control pills down the toilet. Not that I would do that.

For something a little different, check out these Pop Art Portraits. Take a portrait of whatever — although these guys are pretty pro-pet as well — and turn it into Pop Art. Very cool idea for people who don’t dig landscapes and flowers and stuff. Super cute.

OK. Do you know any writers? Go tell them you found hand-crafted, leather-bound, made in Italy journals. Then take them to the website. This is Spanish Fly for writers.

Laney Pottery makes all sorts of pottery stuff but what I think is super cool is the apple baker. I have a kid who can’t eat anything normal people would see as dessert, so anything that makes me say something other than, “Seriously? Apples? Again?” at dessert time gets a major thumbs up from me. And they’re like, nine bucks. Crazy cool.

The Billable Hour makes fun stuff for business types. My fave? The world’s smallest briefcase. OK, not totally sure if that’s its real name, but it’s a fully functioning briefcase made for business cards or credit cards or cocaine or whatever. Know someone starting a biz in the new year? Killer stocking stuffer.

If there’s an IttyBiz owner in your life, they probably can’t get enough of their little enterprise. I own and really like this book. It’s very cool. I mean, nobody’s as cool as IttyBiz but you can’t wrap IttyBiz and give it as a gift. Plus, the Flying Solo guys, they don’t swear so much, so the fundamental Christians will dig it too.

Lastly, John. My history with John Unger is long and complicated and I’m sure each of us will get our own chapter in the other person’s autobiography. What is relevant to y’all is that he makes fire pits. As a non-homeowner, I do not get fire pits. But I have had enough people see my links to him and write me saying something along the lines of “Holy fucking shit!” that I gather they are popular. Go look. It’ll take ten seconds. (You’ll either love them or you won’t. He also makes mosaics and they’ll be getting their own blog post.)

By Naomi Dunford - Dec 1, 2008 in Home Based Business

OK, we all know how I feel about memes. (Although if you want to read a meme IttyBiz-style, check out Duct-Taped Breasts, Hairy Mangoes and New Kids on the Block. You know you want to.) But 90% of you are recovering from The Great Turkey Incident of 2008 and I am recovering from seeing Australia, the longest movie ever made. So we’ll slack off and just chat, huh? Totally not a meme because nobody made me do it.

(Re: Australia. Total thumbs up. I LOVED it. I would love to say it’s the best movie I’ve seen all year but there’s a good chance it’s the only movie I’ve seen all year, so that’s not the best endorsement I can give. But yeah, awesome.)

First up, we’re having a sorta sale — Online Business School buyers can get consulting for crazy stupid cheap. Go here for details, because there’s not-so-fine print. (You’ll find it under the ingenious heading, “The Not-So-Fine Print”.) And yes, it also applies to those of you who already bought.

Yesterday, when this went out to my advance discount list (you ARE on that list, aren’t you?) there were fifty. There are no longer fifty but that’s all I’m saying to avoid the Filthy Marketing Whore scarcity tactics thing that we’ve already talked to death.

And yeah, the price on OBS is going to double soon and no, I don’t know how soon because I can’t predict the future and Seth Godin might decide to become an affiliate tomorrow and sell fifty million copies in half an hour. You just can’t know. Probably next week, so you might want to get off your ass on this one. (If you don’t want the consulting deal because you’re afraid of the phone or commitment or whatever, you can just get the course at the normal Online Business School page.)

On that topic, if you go to the same page as my sorta sale, you’ll find Dave Navarro is giving away 30 Hours A Day for $77 which is totally insane and retarded. (Note regular price of $147. Sale-hating-Havi is probably knee deep in deep breathing right now just to handle the stress.) There’s, like, nine left or something at the time of this writing.

Next up, writing ebooks. The very lovely Tina McAllister has done what the rest of us have been telling ourselves to do for months — she’s specializing. She’s a freelance writer and she really likes ghost-writing ebooks. So she said to herself, “Tina, you know what you should do? GHOST WRITE EBOOKS!” So she is. She’s got some contest going on or something where you can win a free custom book, but that’s not really what I’m interested in. (Although if you are broke or cheap, you may very well be interested.)

What I’m interested in is the fact that she doesn’t suck. Now, I can’t have my books ghost-written because nobody drops the f-bomb quite like I do and readers would know something was amiss. But from what I’ve seen, Tina doesn’t suck. And if I were to get a book ghost-written, she would be my go-to chick.

What I’m ALSO interested in is that Tina got off her ass and said, this is what I’m doing. This is a gutsy and vital thing to do. If you want to make any real money in freelancing, do what she’s done. (Well, not ghost-writing. She’s got that well in hand. Specializing.)

Speaking of books, I’m reading two and you should be, too. The new Malcolm Gladwell (of Tipping Point and Blink fame) is looking like it’s going to be killer. It’s called The Outliers. Very cool. And The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less
has me literally gasping. Wicked.

Moving on to Charlie. Now, I want to be Charlie when I grow up but that would involve a lot of lifestyle changes I’m not particularly willing to make. (I have a feeling I’m not going to be allowed in to the US National Guard, and I’m a long way off from getting my Ph.D., for example.) While the rest of the blogosphere is running top ten lists, Charlie is, you know, using the brain the good Lord gave him. However, if I linked to as many of Charlie’s posts as I wanted to, IttyBiz would become The Charlie Show, so I don’t. BUT.

This post was fucking killer. I won’t go into too much about what it’s about, but it really touched a nerve with something I’ve been having a hard time with lately.

Eco-friendly practices have become the new black. Being green is dead sexy. But it’s hard to be as green as we want to be when we know we’re flawed and it feels like any of our attempts at helping are a drop in the bucket when held up against our many, many failures. Charlie sheds some very interesting and thought-provoking light on this. Go read it.

Last up, speaking of top ten lists, have I ever linked to this video before? I don’t remember, but I remember that it’s awesome. That’ll make you feel better about the turtle situation.

By Naomi Dunford - Nov 28, 2008 in Small Business Marketing

(This is a guest post from Conrad Hees who writes about self-marketing, among other things, at ConradHees.com. He realized that I was moving across the Atlantic and that might make me a little busy, so he very nicely offered to pitch in. Not a bad little self-marketing effort, come to think of it.)

As marketers, our main job is to connect in an effective way with clients/customers who are in need of our product or service, and elicit a desired result from them. This can sometimes be difficult, and other times it is easier. But one surefire way to fail at marketing is to chase after and/or try to convert people who just don’t get it.

Many of us feel like if we are passionate enough about our product or service and a good enough salesperson, we will be able to convert potential customers who really need what we have to offer, but just don’t realize it themselves yet. While you may sometimes be able to convert an ill-informed or ill-motivated potential customer, most of the time you can’t, and it will take too much time and effort to do so, making it an effort in futility.

In this article, I will illustrate exactly why you cannot waste your time trying to market to those who just don’t get it.

Case in point:

I have recently joined a social network on Ning, a site that allows people to create their own social networks centered around a topic, such as blogging or Shania Twain fans or Republicans who live in Kentucky or whatever.

The name of the network that I am a part of is called the 20 Something Bloggers, and it has over 3.000 members. I would estimate that the composition of the people on the site is made up of about 75% diary bloggers who write on a free service such as Blogger.com, another 15% who have diary blogs on their own self-hosted site, and the remaining 10% is made up of bloggers who write about focused topics on either their own site or a free one.

My purpose in joining this community is to try to reach the 100-300 (and growing) bloggers who write well about a focused topic on a free Blogger or Wordpress.com blog, and who are interested in having me setup a self-hosted Wordpress blog for them (for a commission of course). I hope to create a nice little side income with this approach.

My problem with accomplishing this is that I did not anticipate that many of my target customers just don’t get it.

Having your own self-hosted blog is much more powerful than blogging on a free blogging service, simply because people take you much more seriously and that you own your own blog, among other reasons.

I know the powerful benefits of owning your own self-hosted blog, and I assumed that many of the bloggers on this network would be very interested in making the switch to self-hosting, but perhaps were just procrastinating because of technical reasons or what-have-you. It became apparent to me very quickly that most of these bloggers, even if they were interested in getting self-hosted, were holding back from taking the plunge due to several factors:

1) They do not realize the power of self-hosting over ‘free-blogging’, and even when it is explained in great detail to them, they are unreceptive and resistant to the concept of actually owning their own blog, rather than spending 5-10 hours per week or more blogging for a site which they do not own.

2) They do not realize exactly how much time, effort, and energy they are wasting blogging for a free service. They do not see that people never take a ‘free’ blogger quite as seriously as a self-hosted blogger.

(Worse, many actually claim that they cannot afford $7-$10 per month to get a self-hosted blog, which they spend hours on each day, yet will spend $7 on a sandwich without blinking an eye.)

3) They simply are not motivated to advance their careers or put more money in their pocket like others are. Even if they are ‘authority blogging’, they do not want to get self-hosted because they just don’t care about how they are being perceived. They write for themselves.

My point in all this is that I quickly realized that these people are not my target market — not because they don’t need what I have to offer, but rather because they just don’t get it.

And it’s useless to try to reach and convert people who don’t get it.

Permission Marketing and Converting the Non-Believers

Don’t bother trying to convert those who don’t get it. Why not, you ask?

1. Because if they haven’t gotten it by now, there is probably a very good reason why.

2. The ones who don’t get it are, more often than not, unwilling to see a different way of thinking. They don’t want to see your point of view or hear your pitch, even if you really are trying to help them.

3. These people take literally 5-10X the amount of normal effort that you usually put out to get a sale. It’s not worth it.

4. You will drive yourself absolutely crazy trying to prove your point to a person who doesn’t want to hear it, or worse, will not admit you are right or have what they need, even if they finally do ‘get it’.

Besides, there are too many people out there who do get it. Although it may not seem like it, for every person out there who needs what you are marketing but doesn’t know it or get it, there is someone who totally gets it and is ready and waiting for you to sell it to them.

Permission marketing is a term coined by Seth Godin (who else?) that is used to describe the new wave of marketing that goes against the grain of the old, throw-it-against-the-wall-and-see-if-it-sticks way of marketing to the masses.

Permission marketing is when you market and pursue people who actually want what you are selling to them. It is when you have permission by the person to sell to them, and they welcome your marketing.

TV advertising is old-fashioned, where you show an ad to 5 million people, and 4.9 million do not want what you are selling, and don’t want to see your ad.

Pay-Per-Click advertising is permission marketing because you are putting your ad in front of people who want to see it. They are looking for what you have to sell, and they don’t mind being sold to.

These are the type of customers we are looking for. People who don’t need a lot of chasing after or convincing. People who f***ing get it. (Editor’s Note: He’s a guest poster and his mom is probably reading this, so we left the little stars in. Hi, Conrad’s Mom!!)

Final Thoughts on Marketing to Those Who Get It

In our businesses, we need clients and customers who get it. The type of people who see exactly what we are trying to do for them, who see the value in our services and products, and who understand that a true, valuable professional who can add real value to their lives is going to cost more than $18/hour.

Most importantly, we need people who understand what an investment is. Who will spend $500 now because they know it will make them $25,000 down the line.

We can find these types of customers who really get it by doing a few simple things:

- Going to the places where people who get it may be meeting and hanging out

- Making a decision very shortly about whether they get it or don’t get it so as to avoid wasting time as much as possible

- Seeking out customers who have a history of trying new things and being intelligent, and also those who understand an investment.

- Cutting the fat from our list of leads to make contact with. Anyone who has not been sold after the first several contacts may just be a tough shell to crack, they just might not get it. If you suspect they are the latter, axe them from your list.

- Creating enough of a reputation for ourselves and our businesses that the people who ‘get it’ simply come to us, all by themselves. This, of course, is the hardest and longest way to get good customers, and yet the easiest and best way once you reach a certain level. Naomi knows all about this.

So, now that I’ve brought it up, are you marketing to people who don’t get it? It’s a question we all should ask ourselves periodically, or we run the risk of not getting ‘it’ either.

The money, that is. :)

By Naomi Dunford - Nov 26, 2008 in Small Business Marketing

Tomorrow, there will be a very well reasoned guest post on this blog, discussing something important and topical and intelligent. Today, you get me screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK?” So much so that I’m opening up comments because I am DESPERATE to hear if somebody, ANYBODY, has an intelligent answer to this question.

What is the point of this?

Let’s say I go to your website. And you have a flash intro. And the flash intro gives me no information whatsoever. It’s just, you know, some pictures fading in and out. And then you have an option that says I can “Skip Intro”. WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN SKIP THE FUCKING INTRO?

This also applies to “Enter Site”. I get there, there’s a picture (because the cheap-ass site owner didn’t spring for a sexy flash intro) with a button beside it that says “Enter Site”. WHY WOULD I HAVE COME HERE IF I DIDN’T WANT TO ENTER THE FUCKING SITE?

Now, I admit I may not know something here and my total screaming caps-lock-bolded-text fury may be really stupid. (If you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you’ll know I do not make these types of admissions easily.) But seriously. WHY?

***

And now for a couple of completely off-topic snapshots into my brain:

1. The sound of Toby Keith singing Christmas hymns totally makes me want to go have sex. (Luckily my husband could be mistaken for Toby Keith in any bar in America, which eliminates any possibility for unpleasantness involving tequila, a cowboy hat and a stranger.)

Who knew that Go Tell It On The Mountain would make you want find the nearest cowboy and whisper, “I’ll wash all YOUR sins away, baby”.

This is obviously disgustingly wrong. Generally speaking, things that are THAT wrong have marketing lessons in them. I’m clearly too distracted right now to think of what the associated lesson here is, but you’re bright people. You can figure it out. Let me know if you come up with anything.

(EDIT: It has come to my attention that when I ran this post, I said “The sound of Toby Keith signing Christmas hymns…” Somehow, that’s even weirder than what I meant, which was pretty damn weird in the first place.)

2. Somebody returned Online Business School because there wasn’t enough swearing in it. (This is probably the same person who returned SEO School because it had too much swearing in it.)

Am I joking? I am SO not joking. You can’t make this shit up, people.

By Naomi Dunford - Nov 25, 2008 in Small Business Marketing - 79 Comments

First of all, in a delightful homage to something — irony, maybe? — I’d like to let you know that according to Alexa, this website gets no traffic. Nope, not even from you. (Alexa is a website traffic ranking website that compares your traffic to other sites.) Back when this site was getting 15,000 hits a week, it was about the 60,000th most popular site on the internet.

Now that it’s getting 100,000 hits a week, it is the 357,930th most popular site on the internet. Isn’t that nice? I think that’s nice.

Thank you, Alexa, for being slightly more unreliable than the Bush administration. Continue Reading…

By Naomi Dunford - Nov 17, 2008 in Small Business Marketing